Conflicted (The Existing Series Book 2) (2 page)

B
irds roused
me from the deep slumber I was in, only I didn’t want to wake up. The stress from the day before lingered on my mind until the early morning hours, keeping me from getting any rest. The night was fitful, and I tossed and turned until finally my eyes couldn’t remain open any longer. Magdalena was the first person I thought of as I laid in the bed refusing to open my eyes. I didn’t know what she’d choose, but part of me wished she’d decide to live the same way I’d chosen to last night.

Reluctantly, I peered through my half-closed eyelids and took in the room’s surroundings. Only the room that I fell asleep in and the room that I woke up in weren’t the same. There was no way in hell that I was waking up in this room. Too much time had passed since I last left this place.

Without wasting another second, I jumped out of the bed, nearly tripping on the jeans that I left in the floor months ago, or so I thought. The first place I headed was to my daughter, Grace’s, room, to ensure that she was in fact still there sleeping where she should be. My breath caught in my throat for fear of what I’d find. Nothing made sense at the moment. I left this apartment along with most of the belongings behind and went to make a new life for me and Grace. How the hell did I end up back here?

I rounded the corner to her room, not willing to let out the breath I was holding until I had the confirmation that Grace was safe and sound in her crib. Ever so slowly, I turned the knob, silently praying that she’d be there, and the door wouldn’t creak too loudly and rouse her. She was a bear if she was woken up in the mornings.

Luckily I got at least part of that wish, and the door opened without making a peep. I tip-toed inside, my heart pounding the entire way over to her crib. My feet touched the rug in front of her bed and only when I was fully on it did I allow my eyes to peer over the edge. The sight before me took my breath away even more. My little angel was sound asleep where I left her, but I wasn’t quite sure when that was. My mind was still set on the fact of where I woke up and how the hell that was even possible. Her bottom was in the air and she made soft sucking sounds as she sucked on the thumb in her mouth. Her blanket tucked tightly underneath her arm the way she always slept. The blanket had seen better days. All the edges were tattered and the center was slowly wearing thin, but she wouldn’t take anything else. Not even an exact replica of the same blanket. Believe me, I’d tried.

Everything within me wanted to caress the dark brown curls on her head and kiss her before leaving the room, but I knew better. The second that she even sensed my presence she’d be awake and a bear on top of that. She had to wake up on her terms and on her own time, or else we paid for it immensely. Speaking of the word we. If I was back here, did that mean the last few months had never occurred?

Better yet, what fucking day was it?

What time was it?

I allowed my brain to bombard itself with all of these questions as I slowly backed out of the room, careful not to step on the creaking floorboard by the door. After I walked through the doorway, I quietly shut the door and went in search of the person I thought was gone.

Mackenzie wasn’t in the bed with me this morning where she should’ve been.

Or was she?

I was so caught up on the fact that I was back here that I didn’t even take the time to notice any of the other details that were also important.

The second I read that letter about her leaving me, but more importantly our daughter, I wrote her off, never wanting to lay eyes on her again. But if I’m still here did that mean the letter was never written? That me and Grace hadn’t gone through all the turmoil and healing? God my head was starting to hurt. It was too damn early for all this chaos to be taking place.

Instead of going back to our room, I went in the direction of the living room, not knowing the entire short distance of what I wanted to find. I was also unsure if I even wanted to find her.

The few short steps that it took to walk into the living room felt like walking into a clown house and going down the dizzying hallway. My vision was tunneled with only one thing to focus on.

Mine and my daughter’s fate.

I noticed that the couch was empty and the television was cut off. Both indicators that Mackenzie wasn’t in the room. A piece of me hoped that I wouldn’t find her. Only because she’d broken my heart along with Grace’s the second she walked away without saying goodbye.

I shook my head and raked my hands down my face, the stress of the morning weighing heavily on my already tense shoulders. And I wasn’t even finished yet. I still had to go and look in our room. If she wasn’t there, I’d have to figure out where the mess of my life was at. It sure as hell wasn’t where I’d left it when I went to sleep, that’s for sure.

Slowly, I made my way back down the hallway. Only this trip seemed to pass by in a blur, and before I knew it, I was in the doorway of the room I thought I’d never lay eyes on again.

Peering inside, the woman I said my goodbyes to laid peacefully sleeping in our bed. The covers half on and half off her body, the blankets between her legs, and her arm thrown over my side of the bed. How I’d missed her when I’d risen out of the bed, I hadn’t a clue. Now I was even more confused than ever. I didn’t know how I felt about seeing her, especially looking as if she had no cares in the world. I crossed my arms over my chest and leaned into the doorframe, not taking my eyes off the one person I thought I’d never see again.

The red lights from the alarm clock changing brought me out of my daze and the numbers on the clock made me groan. It was only six-thirty in the morning. I didn’t need to be up for another hour. Only there was no way I’d ever get back to sleep now. Instead, I decided that I had to figure this out. The only way to do that was to figure out what day it was and go from there.

Quietly, I walked over to my side of the bed and unplugged my phone, pushing the button on the side to turn it on. I pressed my finger across the screen to get access to my icons and immediately went to the calendar app.

Shock tore through me as I glanced at the date on the screen, causing me to stumble backwards slightly. Before I fell flat on my ass, I sat down on the edge of the bed, careful not to wake Mackenzie.

There’s no way in hell that was right. Something or someone was playing a trick on me. That had to be the case because there’s no way in the world that it was January right now. The last I checked it was December. How in the world did the past eleven months not happen? Was any of it real? Could someone possibly dream that vividly, feel that amount of emotion from something the mind conjured up? Getting the answers right now seemed hopeless. If I asked Mackenzie these questions, she’d think I was insane. A shrink would probably have me committed.

All I could do was continue to shake my head in disbelief while I stared at the pale white walls in front of me. My hands shook with fear, confusion, dread, and every other emotion known to man, causing my phone to drop to the floor. All I could do was lean over and rest my elbows on my knees and clutch my head in my hands to attempt to stop the shaking.

Only it didn’t stop.

The harder I gripped my head in my hands the worse the shaking became.

The bed dipping behind me barely registered as my thoughts ran rampant with every possible scenario, outcome, and question it could muster up. So many thoughts continued to run wild at such a fast rate that they became jumbled, causing my head to hurt. The piercing pain of an oncoming migraine started behind my eyes and shot to the back of my head. Even the pain didn’t stop the thoughts which made me groan out the frustration coursing through me.

Is there really a Magdalena?

Did Mackenzie never actually leave?

Did I never move back home to start my own shop?

Did the pain never really exist?

Those questions and much more continued to float around in my mind until I felt lips kiss my bare shoulder and move up to my neck. Warm hands wrapped themselves around me causing me to jump off the bed and spin around, the dizziness from the fast movements instantly causing me to almost fall. She reached out and gripped my arms, saving me.

Only I regretted even turning around. At least with my back to her, I didn’t have to face her. Now that I was turned around, I’d be able to see her face. See the emotions as I questioned her. There’s no way that I couldn’t not ask the question. I’d always have my doubts if I let it fester inside of me. There was also no way I could go on being with someone if she planned to leave. It’s one thing if things don’t work out and people say their goodbyes’. It’s an entirely different story if said person leaves and allows a note to do their dirty work.

Glancing down at her, she was smiling as she continued to hold onto my arms. Every fiber of my being wanted to pull away from her, but I had to remain calm. Had to at least attempt to make some sort of sense between all of the confusion.

“Good morning,” she muttered through a yawn, causing me to yawn in return. Damn them and their contagiousness.

I attempted a smile, but I knew it didn’t even remotely appear true or real.

“What are you doing up so early?” she asked as she rubbed her fingers lightly up and down my arm, goose bumps rising behind her path on my skin.

“The birds woke me up,” I replied trying to hide my aggravation.

“Well come back to bed,” she goaded as she tried to pull me down on the bed with her. Only I didn’t fall for it. I stood my ground, refusing to lay down with her until the one question I wanted answering was in fact answered.

“What’s wrong with you this morning?” she asked in a hasty tone as she flopped down on the bed on her ass.

“I need for you to answer one question for me without asking any in return.”

She rolled her eyes to my demand as she blew out a huff of air, causing her hair to flop out of her face.

“Fine. What do you have to know this early in the morning?” she countered, crossing her arms over her chest.

“Are you planning on leaving me and Grace?” I asked, not even feeling slightly guilty in the hasty question, my eyes trained on hers so I could read her expression.

I got my answer when the first thing that crossed her features was guilt. Her eyes moved frantically back and forth, anywhere but at me.

She opened her mouth only to shut it several times, no answer coming from her lips the entire time. I waited but the only movement she made was to lower her gaze and stare down at the bed sheets.

“That’s all I needed to know. I want you to leave before Grace wakes up. I don’t want her to see your back as you walk out the door. And don’t worry, I don’t want an explanation. I just want you gone,” I gritted the demand through my teeth, knowing that if I yelled my sleeping angel would wake out of her happy slumber.

“How did you know?” she whispered.

“That’s all you’re worried about. How I knew? Some fucking girlfriend and mother you really are. You wouldn’t believe me if I told you. But I will say this. I’m thanking the lucky stars as to how I know right now. Everything else doesn’t matter. Oh and don’t even think about trying to take our daughter. She’s staying with me. It’s not like you were going to take her with you anyway. I’ll be in our daughter’s room while you pack your things,” I spit out, refusing to even look at her as I pulled a pair of basketball shorts out of the dresser and put them on before I left the room.

I stalked down the hallway toward our daughter’s room, angry at the world. Only I knew this was for the best. I just wish I didn’t have to relive that part of the dream. It was brutal the first time around. The only good thing out of the entire situation was that I got to send her off instead of getting some half-assed letter.

I opened Grace’s door the same as before, shut it behind me, and walked over to the rocking chair beside her crib. Leaning down, I pulled the chair over until it sat directly in front of her crib and then sat down. I wanted to watch my daughter’s chest rise and fall. Seeing her in such a peaceful state calmed my nerves little by little until almost all of the anger, confusion, and fear had completely left me. Anytime she was in my presence, all was right with the world. She was my reason for living. Only now I didn’t know how I was going to do this on my own.

Yeah, all was right with the world in my dream.

Or vision.

Or premonition.

Whatever the hell it was, it may have revealed that one answer, but the rest I’d have to figure out on my own.

The door shutting off in the distance caused my head to immediately turn toward the sound. That didn’t take her long. How the hell did a mother just up and leave her child? How did she get to the point where neither of us mattered to her anymore?

The second Grace began to stir, none of those questions mattered anymore.

The only thing that mattered was raising my daughter. She was my one and only priority.

Love damn sure didn’t matter. It just wasn’t in the cards for me.

I’d get my answers one way or another.

To hope or not to hope? That was my main question now. Only I didn’t know what the hell I was hoping for.

Until I figured that out, everything would remain conflicted.

I
turned
my head and looked over to the crib where Grace stood, a contagious smile forming on her lips as I acknowledged her. And just like that the horrible events that occurred moments ago disappeared from the forefront of my mind. My only focus right now was Grace and making her happy. Helping her transition from two parents to one.

“Good morning, pumpkin,” I stated in a hushed tone, smiling back at her.

“Daddy, up,” she demanded while dramatically throwing her hands up in the air. My little diva.

“Of course you can come up,” I stated as I walked over to her and lifted her out of the crib. Her head immediately went to my shoulder, her thumb instantly going into her mouth. She might be awake, but she still needed time to become her cheerful self. In about thirty minutes I’d be running around the apartment praying that she’d lose some of her energy soon. But these moments were the ones I cherished.

The ones where she needed me.

Needed my comfort and security.

I held her tight and patted my hand on her back, softly swaying back and forth. I began humming to no tune in particular. The sway back and forth matched the beat of her heart that I could feel beneath my hand. The reason that I’m the person I am today is because of this tiny heartbeat.

She gave me a reason to exist.

A reason to live and want the most out of life.

Who knew someone so small could have such an impact?

I surely didn’t.

About five minutes went by and my sway and humming came to a stop. The moment the movement ceased, her head popped up off my shoulder, the thumb out of her mouth.

She looked at me so intently and placed her hands on my cheeks and rested her forehead on mine.

Her little hands squeezed my cheeks and then she spoke.

Demanded rather.

“Daddy, dance? Yes, peese,” she whispered, her eyes held just how serious she was about me continuing.

She laid her head down on my shoulder and tapped her hand against my chest and held onto my neck with the other hand.

Who was I to deny my daughter? I laughed inwardly and gave the demanding princess what she wanted.

A dance with her daddy.

Before long, she wouldn’t want to be in the same room with me, so, for now, I’d give her what she wanted.

Time with me.

The phone ringing in the other room brought us out of our haze. Grace’s head moved so fast off my shoulder as she squirmed to get down. She loved talking to anyone on the phone and enjoyed answering it even more.

I let her down, and she took off to find the noise with me not very far behind her.

We were in my room as the phone rang for the fifth time. She got to the phone before I could and picked it up. She looked at the screen and squealed. Apparently, it was someone who I had programmed the picture into the phone. She turned around and handed me the phone with a huge grin on her face. She hadn’t quite figured out how to answer it yet. Thank goodness.

It was my dad. Someone I should probably talk to right now, but I couldn’t relay everything to him in front of Grace. I’d just have to tell him all of it when she went down for her nap.

“Pop-Pop,” Grace jumped up and down demanding I answer the phone. I swear sometimes she loved him more than me.

“Hey, Dad,” I said into the phone after I slid my finger across the screen and answered his call.

“How’s your morning going, son?” he asked, and I had to groan to myself at having to tell him some of the news.

“It’s going. Grace just woke up so I was spending some time with her before I made her breakfast,” I told him, withholding this morning’s events. There was no way I’d risk Grace hearing her mother’s name. She’d yet to realize Mackenzie wasn’t here, and I didn’t want to point it out.

“Pop-Pop,” Grace screamed as she jumped up and down reaching for the phone.

“Let me talk to my pumpkin,” my dad demanded.

I laughed and handed the phone to the screaming demon that was tapping her foot on the floor impatiently waiting to talk to my dad.

She cooed and talked her baby gibberish, and I had no doubt that my father took everything in and pretended to know exactly what she was talking about.

Moments later she handed the phone back to me and took off in the direction of the kitchen. Only she needed her diaper changed before we did anything.

“Hey, Dad. She had a lot to say this morning didn’t she?” I joked and took off in the direction of my daughter.

“She usually does,” he laughed.

“Let me call you back after I get her down for her nap. There’re some things I need to tell you, and I can’t do that in front of her,” I admitted, hoping that he didn’t ask any questions and take the hint that I couldn’t delve too much into it at that moment.

“Sure thing, Weston. Make sure you call me and tell me, though. I know how you kids can be,” he stated, and I had to agree with him. Me and my brothers would say we’d tell them things all the time and hold them in for weeks before we had the courage to come clean.

“I’ll call you as soon as I know she’s asleep.”

I went into Grace’s room to find her attempting to pull her blanket and bear through the railings but not having much success. The determined look on her face reminded me so much of her mother causing my heart to ache.

Only it didn’t hurt for me.

It hurt for her.

What she’d miss out on in life. I’d try my damnedest to make sure she wouldn’t feel the loss, but I knew deep down when she’s older she would, and I could only hold her while she processed it all. Until then, I would love her enough for five people in an attempt to fill the void.

Giving up, she turned around and marched toward me with a scowl on her little face.

“Daddy,” she pouted as she pointed over to what she wanted.

“Are you having trouble?” I asked, trying not to laugh.

Instead of responding she wrapped her little finger around mine and pulled me toward the crib. We stood in front of the bed, and she pointed to what she wanted and stomped her feet. I swear her tantrums should annoy me, but they were too cute to make me aggravated.

“How about we change your diaper and then I’ll give you the blanket and the bear?” I tried to coerce her, hoping it worked so they wouldn’t get in the way.

I changed her diaper and before I could pull her pajama pants back up, she was pointing to the items that she so desperately wanted.

I picked her up from the changing table and grabbed her blanket and the bear then walked out of the room toward the kitchen.

“How does a banana and some eggs sound, pumpkin?” I asked as I bounced her up and down on my hip.

She nodded her little head, the curls bouncing along with her movements.

I buckled her in the highchair and quickly made her breakfast, knowing the whole time that if I didn’t hurry, she’d start to throw a fit. Yes, I could admit that this two-and-a-half-year-old toddler ran my life. But I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Our morning passed rather quickly after I cleaned up the mess from breakfast. Only I couldn’t stomach to eat. The only good thing was that I had Grace to focus on or I knew that my mind would be running rampant with a thousand and one questions. Sadly, the questions mostly pertained to the crazy dream about Magdalena. Not about the fact that Mackenzie had intended on leaving and had actually walked out the door this morning.

I rocked Grace to sleep and lay her in the crib once I knew she wasn’t faking being asleep. Instead of calling my dad right away, I picked up all of the toys throughout the apartment and put on a load of laundry. Doing anything I could to pass the time before I had to call him. Before I had to admit defeat. Before I had to confess that I failed my daughter in the worst way possible. I couldn’t keep our family together.

Before I knew it there was nothing left to do but pick up the phone. Make the phone call that I didn’t want to make. My pride was the reason I didn’t want to tell him. I didn’t want to admit that I shouldn’t have followed her out here. That I shouldn’t have made my own path. Only I couldn’t regret those decisions because I wouldn’t have Grace. I wouldn’t be a father to the most precious gift that had been given to me. The sleeping angel in the next room.

I walked to my room with my shoulders down and my head hung in defeat. Now that I didn’t have anything to focus on, I felt the stress of the situation. My brain was a jumbled mess from attempting to figure out how I was going to make it and provide for my daughter.

I dialed the number before I could make another excuse not to and waited for my dad to pick up the phone. On the second ring, he answered.

“What’s going on, Weston?” he demanded without even a hello.

“Well, hello to you too, old man,” I joked. Everyone in this family was demanding.

“There’s no time for pleasantries. If I know you, you wasted a good chunk of Grace’s nap time doing everything but calling me. Now spill the beans.”

“Mackenzie’s gone,” I whispered as I hung my head down, letting it rest on my chest.

“What do you mean she’s gone?” he asked in disbelief.

“Have you ever felt something so deep in your bones, Dad, that you knew it was coming? Knew it was going to happen without the person telling you?” I asked, not even caring if I made any sense.

“Yes, but that doesn’t explain what the hell you’re talking about. Where did Mackenzie go?”

“Do you believe that we can dream something so deeply that it feels as if it actually happened?” I asked, ignoring his line of questioning yet again.

“Yes, I do. Now tell me what the hell is going on, Weston,” he demanded.

“I woke up this morning with the strangest feeling. Like I knew something was off even though I hadn’t suspected it until now. I had pondered over it before she woke up, and I had no choice but to ask her. She didn’t deny what I felt I already knew, and I told her I wanted her gone. You see, Dad, I dreamed she wanted to leave. Only in said dream, she was gone, and I moved on without her. Me and Grace both did. It felt so real that I didn’t understand how I woke up in this apartment. How she was even still around. It’s hard to explain, but I had to go with my gut, and my gut said to make her leave before she could up and leave us without an explanation. I don’t care if there’s someone else. I don’t care about her reasoning at all. The only thing I care about is having custody of my daughter legally so she can’t take her away from me. Everything else is semantics,” I explained all in one breath for fear that if I didn’t just spit it all out at once that I wouldn’t let it come out at all.

I waited and waited but all I could hear was my dad’s breathing on the other end of the phone. For once, the man was rendered speechless.

“I just don’t know what to say. The father and grandfather in me wants to leave now and come get y’all, but I know you need to figure this out on your own. I’m not going to pester you with more questions because I know you will explain everything in your own time. Just know that me and your mother and brothers are here for whatever you need, son,” he reassured me, and it warmed my heart. Knowing that he’d have my back no matter what.

“Give me a couple of days to get it all figured out and I’ll let you know what I decide. Whatever that may be, it’ll be what’s best for Grace.”

We ended the call with my promise to call the moment I made a decision. Only we both knew that I’d call after I stewed over the decision for a few hours.

Now that that was all taken care of, I needed to figure out if I was crazy. Needed an explanation how I could’ve just dreamed everything when it all felt so real. I needed a professional opinion. Needed a doctor’s advice. If I was going crazy, I wanted to get help so I could be there for my daughter. If I wasn’t, I wanted to know how I pictured everything so vividly, felt everything so clearly, for it to all disappear in an instant and remain in dreamland. I remembered the pain I felt, the tears Grace shed because Kenzie wasn’t here. I didn’t know if I could bear to experience it for the second time. Only time would tell how strong I truly was. Only this time I had a feeling I wouldn’t have a green-eyed beauty to get me through it. I’d have to drudge through the pain and hopelessness alone.