Crashing Souls (2 page)

No. She was worth it all. I didn’t know who she was anymore. But what I did know was the ache in my chest where she’d been. The details of her had been ripped from my possession, leaving a gaping gash within me. The ache. And that ache was like a lantern, leading me through my blindness. If I had to live another life, I’d do it. I’d be Dexter. I’d be anyone. As long as that ache eventually subsided.

The nurse spoke once more, pulling me from my thoughts. She wore her hair in tiny braids down her back, and she smelled like something tropical. It was soothing.

“Yesterday was quite the day. Miracles all over the hospital.” She worked at gently sitting me upright
and
parking a wheelchair close to my bed. I felt the dull pains of it, most of it being numbed by the medication they’d given me periodically.

“Miracles in a hospital. You’d think this was the place most miracles happen.” My voice still sounded foreign to my own ears. It carried a lower pitch than I remembered. Or thought I remembered. I cleared my throat.

“Yes, well, some days it doesn’t happen that way. Ready?”

I nodded, noticing the crease in her forehead as she transferred me to a wheelchair. I couldn’t hold back the grunt I let loose when I moved. Some pain even the medication couldn’t take away.

“Sorry about that.”

“It’s not your fault….” I looked for a nametag. “What’s your name?”

Her smile was beautiful and immediate. She was so eager to spread her personal happiness. “Secilia. My friends call me Sessie.”

“Sessie. Seems fitting.” Her brown hands smoothed the blanket over my lap.

“And why is that, Mr. Andrews?” she asked as she began to push me into the hallway.

“Uh—I think my friends call me Dex.” I faced her to smile back at her. “And it’s fitting because it sounds very…pleasant.”

“And you sound a lot older than you actually are, Dex.” She wheeled me into an elevator, and when the doors closed, I saw my reflection for the first time.

It seemed...
familiar?
The kind of familiarity I was experiencing frequently. An itch that I couldn’t scratch. I shook my head, watching as long locks brushed my jaw. I had splotches of stubble coming in and my eyes were a bright blue, contrasting drastically with my otherwise dark features.

“
How old am I, Sessie?” I watched my reflection’s mouth move in time with mine, and I closed my eyes. It was a fun house, and I was the main attraction.

“Turned eighteen last month. You’re a senior in high school. We’re going to get you walking independently in time to cross the stage.” I heard the smile in her words, but I still didn’t open my eyes. “Is everything okay, Dex?”

No. I’m losing my mind. Everything is so familiar, but I’m living a stranger’s life.
I felt like I was having déjà vu. Did I know this life? Or was I crazy?

The elevator came to a halt, and I opened my eyes as the doors parted.

“Here we go,” Sessie said, forgetting my small moment of insanity.

If only it were that easy for me. When they put the mask over my mouth and I descended into a medically induced sleep, I prayed I’d wake up knowing myself again.

•••

Don’t tell anyone.

The words echoed through my mind as I surfaced back into consciousness. I blinked, taking in the bright fluorescent lights of the hospital. At least this time when I woke up I knew where I was. No such luck on who I was.

“Oh, you’re awake.” I watched as Sessie checked my vitals, asking me if I was in any pain. The throbbing in my leg was annoying and taking a deep breath was uncomfortable, but I shook my head. I looked down at my leg, seeing it was inside some sort of contraption. Before I could ask her what it was, she started talking again.

“Well then, you can have visitors, mister. You’ll be required to be on your feet later, when a physical therapist comes in. We’ve got to test out that new knee.
For
now, we’ve got it in the continuous passive motion machine to make sure it doesn’t build up scar tissue. There are some folks sitting in the waiting room for you, but your aunt hasn’t come in yet. Would you like them to wait until she gets here? It might be easier…with you not remembering and all. What do you think?”

I tried to sit up, wincing as the pain radiated through me. Sessie fussed over me, placing pillows behind my lower back and easing the bed upright. I ran a hand through my bedraggled hair, itching to look at my reflection again.

“Is it bothering you? Your hair?” I nodded and she stepped into the bathroom, emerging with a rubber band in her hand and triumph in her eyes. “Let me pull it back.” She made quick work of it, tucking the shorter strands around my face behind my ear. She leaned back. “There you go, handsome. All better.”

She moved to the door. “Want them to wait, Dex?”

“Who is it?” I wiped my clammy palms on the crisp white sheets. I didn’t know why I asked. It wasn’t like I’d know who they were.

“Not sure. I think its best they wait until Ms. Andrews gets here. She shouldn’t be long.” She walked back over to me. “And I’m clocking out.” She noticed the panic in my eyes. “Don’t you worry, Dex. Carla, my replacement, she’ll be good to ya.” She winked and closed the door behind her.

I sat there for a few minutes, not liking the blank thoughts in my head. I didn’t have much to think back on. Only the mystery girl I’d have to find, sooner rather than later. But first, I had to get comfortable being in Dexter’s body. I had to be normal. So I turned over, looking for something with which to fill the time and emptiness. I found the remote and clicked the red button. The volume was low but as the screen appeared, I knew I was watching the news.

The
man on the screen was somber as he looked into the camera. I raised the volume.

“…week after the accident that killed two, and we are now told the only survivor is expected to make a full recovery.”

Ms. Andrews rushed in, took one look at the television and reached up to turn it off. Her eyes took their time making their way to mine. “You just focus on getting better, Dex.”

I nodded, not understanding what happened.

“You have some people here to see you. Becca…” she said it and glanced at me, looking for a hint of recognition after saying the name, “well, Becca is here. Um, Ralph. He’s here. I’ll let them know you’re awake.” She stepped out without another word.

The door opened slowly and in walked a striking girl. When her green eyes saw me, she smiled and walked up to me and kissed me. It wasn’t unpleasant. But it wasn’t…right. I looked past her at Ms. Andrews. When her eyes filled, I knew she understood that I still didn’t remember anything. Not even the girl who’d kissed me like it was a natural occurrence between us.

“Hi, babe,” she said, tucking her dark hair behind her ear and looking at the machine my leg was in. “Feeling better?”

Before I could attempt to answer, the door opened again.

“Hey, jackass. Try to die again and I’ll kill you myself.” A voice boomed from behind who I assumed was Becca. Ralph. I
knew
that. Blonde hair that sometimes looked a little orange, eyes that crinkled almost shut when he laughed, all wrapped in a towering frame. I looked at Ms. Andrews again and noticed her frown at Ralph’s choice of words. When she glanced at me, I turned back to Ralph, smiling.

“Hey,” I said, my voice catching. I coughed as he mimicked me with a laugh.

“
So, any news? When are you out of here?” He sat at the edge of the bed, and I noticed Becca staring at me strangely.

“Hopefully the end of the week,” my aunt answered. “But he’s having trouble with his memory. Ralph, he seems to remember you. Not me, and… not Becca.”

The girl looked at me, her smile fading before she burst into tears and ran out of the room. Ralph proceeded to roll his eyes, and my aunt sat in a chair with a huff.

“Can’t lie, dude. I’m glad she left. You know I can’t take her voice. She’s cute but….” He pointed his fingers to his temple, pretending it was a gun.

“I
think
I’m supposed to take offense to that. Or at the very least defend her. But I don’t know her, man. I don’t even know me.” I chuckled. “I only seem to know you. And that is limited.”

“I’m all you need to know.” He grinned, and I saw that one of his front teeth was chipped. Didn’t take away from the intensity of his features. He was a man in a teenager’s body. “A week? That means you should be at the Thanksgiving game. Watch me kick some Bobcat ass.”

“No foul mouthing, Ralph. Your parents raised you better than that,” my aunt chastised, not looking up from the phone she’d pulled out of her purse. “I have to make a call. I’ll be right outside.” She stepped out, closing the door behind her.

“Well, let’s get down to it, now that the womenfolk are gone. What the fuck, man?” He looked genuinely ticked off. From one extreme to the other. I was left somewhere in the dust.

“Wh—what do you mean?”

“Running out in the street like that, dummy. And you
sure
you lost your memory? I know Becca is annoying and you talked about breaking up, but you don’t have to fake memory loss to get out of that tragedy.” Ralph’s
grin
was infectious. Though his eyes were sad and full of worry, he was trying to be happy. For me. The person who barely knew him.

“No, man. I’m not faking. I don’t remember anything, like I said. Except you. A little. I know who you are. That’s where it stops.” Throughout my words, my face morphed from an easy smile to one of complete seriousness. I was fighting with myself. I wanted to tell Ralph; I wanted someone to share the burden of my hysteria with me.

“I’m glad you’re okay. You gave me the scare of my life, Dex. Not gonna lie. I might’ve shed a tear or two over your ass.” Ralph leaned back, the chair squeaking precariously. “How’s your aunt taking it? She looks better than she did last week.”

“I don’t know. I don’t know how she normally is.” Ralph snorted. “What?” I asked, not getting the joke.

“You complain about her, call her a pain in the ass. But she loves you, man. We both know she does the best she can. Look, I’m your best friend. If you need help remembering, I’m the guy for the job.” He looked around the room and then focused on me again. “Let’s start with your relationship with Becca.”

“Do go on,” I said, knowing where this was going without having been in his presence even an hour. He overshared, especially with his opinions.

“Purely superficial. She’s cute; you’re bored. You’ve got three months in and you were starting to realize how annoying she is. And bitchy.” He reached over me to the snacks Ms. Andrews had delivered me. Ms. Andrews. I was going to have to learn what her first name was.

“What’s Ms. Andrews’ first name?” I couldn’t call her my aunt out loud. It was like committing myself to her. Part of me still hoped…I didn’t know what to hope for anymore. But this wasn’t it.

“
Ha. Ms. Andrews. You call her Aunt Tracey. She’s in her late twenties. Too soon to be saddled with a hormonal eighteen-year-old, that’s for sure. She’s a dental hygienist. You’ve lived with her going on six months, and every day you guilt trip her to the point of tears. You’re kind of an asshole, Dex.” He held up a bag of Cheetos. “And here she is, bringing you your favorite snacks.” He ripped the bag open and began munching.

“So she isn’t naturally nervous; just with me.” I was thinking aloud but Ralph answered.

“She’s actually pretty cool. So, yeah. She’s only that way with you. She takes raising you pretty seriously.” Ralph set the chips down, rubbing his hands against his jeans to get rid of the orange dust on his fingertips.

“All right, all right. I get it. I used to be an asshole.” I caught the way he lifted a brow at my words. “Yes,
used
to. I’m trying to change. What better way than losing my memory?” It was an attempt at a joke. “Tell me more about myself. This is all interesting. Despite you insulting me, which I admit, sounds like I deserve.”

“You aren’t all that bad. You’re just grieving. You don’t know how to not be angry at her. After all, your parents died and she didn’t.” He said it matter-of-factly, like he’d said it before. Like we’d talked about this before.

“How’d they die?” I was more saddened by the absence of feeling any nostalgia toward the situation than by the situation itself. I was their legacy and now that had been ruined. I was using this body as a vessel, a body they’d raised from birth and instilled their beliefs in. I could only hope that, wherever the real Dex was, he was happy and they were all together.

“Well, the drugstore had been in your family for years. One night, a couple knuckleheads with a stolen gun came in, tried to get your dad to give them all of the money in the register. He refused. They shot him.
Your
mom was stocking in the back, heard the shots, came out and they shot her too. You were at my house at the time and
Ms. Andrews
had been on her way to help them close up. Your argument was that, had she gotten there on time, the doors would’ve been locked and they would’ve been on their way home by the time the intruders had decided to stop in.”

I closed my eyes. How sad. Everything about this life was sad.

“I’m guessing I made a point of telling her this,” I said, not bothering to open my eyes. I knew the answer.

“From what she told me about the other day, I’m guessing that was what you said before running in front of that car. By the way, I’m pretty sure your parents taught you to look both ways. Basic traffic rules.”

I shrugged. “Wouldn’t know.”

“Low blow, dude. Low blow.” He exhaled, running his hand over his buzz cut. “So, what now?”

“Beats me. I guess I have a few things to take care of, starting with breaking things off with Becca. I can’t be in a relationship with someone I don’t even know.” My mouth was dry. The more I talked about any of this, stepping into someone else’s life and making changes I’m not sure he would, the more anxiety I felt.

“You mean you can’t just fall in love with a stranger like in the movies?” We stared at each other before both of us burst with laughter. “I mean, I get it,” he said with a chuckle. “But to be honest, it was headed there before this all even happened.”