Crashing Souls (4 page)

I opened my eyes, giving up on going back to sleep. The sun had gone down; the lights were dim in my hospital room. The television was on, although muted. Beside me, Ralph was sleeping, his arms pillowing his head.

Tracey sat in the corner, her eyes on her laptop. When I shifted to sit up, her gaze found mine and she smiled warmly.

“He’s asleep,” I whispered, grunting as I moved.

She nodded, her eyebrows pulling downward with concern. “He was worried about you, you know.”

“Me too.” He began to wake up, and I sat up straighter. I didn’t know if he was going to apologize or if I needed to. I wasn’t used to the situation I found myself in. If I was being honest, I wasn’t used to anything.

He cleared his throat, blinked up at me, and smiled.

“We done?” he asked, his throat scratchy, the smile still plastered over a face suited more for a grown man than an eighteen-year-old.

“Sure. Whatever.” I smiled too. Ralph made it easy to be his friend.

“
Ha. Jackass.” He looked back at my aunt just as she said his name, telling him to watch his mouth. “I heard you’re leaving tomorrow. You excited?”

I shrugged. I didn’t know what to think about leaving the hospital and moving into foreign territory.

“You’ll be fine,” my aunt said, leaning forward in her chair.

“Certainly. I can hear the ladies offering to stop by and play nurse,” Ralph said. I glanced at Tracey.

She rolled her eyes, and I remembered how young she was. I hadn’t seen a man around and she wasn’t wearing a ring. Ralph hadn’t mentioned a boyfriend or husband.

“Are you seeing anyone?” I blurted out. When she looked at me quizzically, I realized how random I was being. “I’m just trying to get everything sorted.”

“No, no, it’s a fine question. Just not one I’d have expected to hear from you.” Her eyes crinkled with her smile. “I don’t have much time for dating. All social life flew out of my life the day you flew in it. I mean, I’d always been in your life but once you were my responsibility, I didn’t bother with friends or dating anymore.”

“I’m hurt. I thought I was your friend,” Ralph cried out.

“Sure, Ralph.” Her phone screen came to life and she stood up. “I have to take this. I’ll be right outside, guys.”

I leaned my head back. The things I’d learned from Dex’s past haunted me.

“Don’t let what happened before bother you, bro. We can only go up from here, right?” Ralph picked up a bottle of Coke from beside his feet and took a sip, shrugging when I looked at him. “You’re freaking out. I told you not to. What’s done is done. But what’s ahead of you, that’s the real adventure.” He waggled his eyebrows.

“Yeah, I’m on this cosmic search for the right girl. That should be an adventure all right,” I muttered, leaning back.

“
We’ll just try each flavor until you find one that suits you,” he said easily, causing me to laugh. “What? That’s legit. Baskin-Robbins had it right. Try all thirty-two flavors!”

“I’m not really looking for someone to just have fun with. I mean, that too, but I’m not into the one-night stand scene. Maybe something more long term.”
More like forever
, I thought to myself. But Ralph would just make fun of me if I said that to him.

“All I know is the one-night scene, man. But I’m willing to bet whatever caused you to lose your memory has also caused you to lose your damn mind. You’re eighteen!” He laughed at my seriousness, continuing on with a rant that I’d begun to tune out.

I knew this was coming. I wanted to start searching soon. Unfortunately, I’d be searching on my own.

•••

“You come visit me anytime, Dex,” Sessie whispered in my ear as she pushed my wheelchair out of the elevator.

I was worried about being home. When I saw Tracey pull up in her car, her face bright, I took a deep breath and smiled in return.

“I will. I promise.” I looked up at Sessie and she helped me up, handing me my crutches. I leaned on them, ready to head out. Sessie hugged me tightly and told me to stay out of trouble.

When Tracey held the passenger door of her car open, I leaned against it and took one last look at Sessie and the hospital. It was going to be okay. I sat myself inside gingerly, making sure I didn’t hit my leg. Tracey shut the door and rounded the car, a grin on her face. When she was settled and we were driving off, I watched her.

“Excited?”

Her eyes flicked to mine and back to the road.
“
I’ve been lonely at the house. I missed you being a brat,” she said with a laugh.

A few minutes later, we pulled up in front of a small house. I noticed a shiny car in the driveway.

“Whose car is that?” I asked as I opened the door, crutches in one hand. She ran around and helped me out, setting my crutches right.

“Yours. I washed it while you were gone. I know you hate when it gets dirty,” she paused. “At least, you used to.”

“Seems like a stupid thing to hate,” I said as we passed it. When she opened the front door, I felt a small sense of having been there before. I turned and looked out, noticing the tree across the street had been cut. It was still fresh, the bark splintered and lighter than the rest of the stump. There were remnants of police tape. I heard the sounds of brakes pumping and tires screeching followed by the ambulance. I shook my head.

“I’ve been here before,” I said with a grunt, pushing my way into the house. Tracey followed closely behind.

“You have,” she stated. I didn’t want her to think I was remembering. I wasn’t. At least, not remembering as Dexter.

“No. I don’t have memories of…my past. I can just remember the house. I don’t know. It’s hard to explain.” I stood there, unsure of what else to say.

“It’s okay. No one’s pressuring you to remember.” She led me down a hall and helped me up the steps. “I do want to take you to your room. I’ll move you downstairs to the guest room, but I figured it couldn’t hurt for you to be around your things.” She opened the door, and I hesitated on the threshold. She didn’t understand that it wouldn’t help. Rather than hurt her feelings, I adjusted my grip on my crutches and hobbled into the room.

Gray walls, a bed, a computer, and a desk covered in gadgets. Nothing stood out. I was standing in a
bedroom
that belonged to a guy who was never going to claim these items again. I sat on the bed. At least it was comfortable. Despite feeling like a stranger, my body knew the place and when I leaned back, I knew exactly how it would feel, where the mattress would end against the back of my head as I laid horizontally across it, my legs still hanging off.

Tracey cleared her throat. I’d forgotten she was there as I stared at the spackled ceiling.

“You start physical therapy tomorrow and go back to school next week. Is—do you think that’s enough time? I don’t want you to be out too long, it being your senior year and all. Did you want to see someone? Or homeschool? I never thought about that…what do you think? I know you’re going to have to speak to someone because of your memory loss but….”

Her nervousness made me grin.

“I’m sure I’ll be fine, Tracey. School in a week, physical therapy tomorrow. If I need to speak to someone, I’ll let you know.” I sat up. “Or I could just talk to you.”

Her lips thinned and her eyes watered.

I moved to grab my crutches, leaning on them to stand. “Did I say something wrong?”

“No,” she mumbled, her voice wavering. “I just didn’t think you’d feel comfortable doing that. And you called me Tracey.”

“Ah, don’t tell me you’re one of
those
. I’m not good with criers. At least, I think I’m not.” But judging by the way I was internally begging her to stop, I knew that was still true.

“It’s all right. I’m okay.” She took a deep breath. “It just reminded me of life before your parents died. We were actually kind of close then. It was nice. Made me feel like I might be decent at the parent thing.”

“We’re going to be fine,” I said, not knowing what else to say.

“
Well, I’m just glad it wasn’t your right knee that got shattered. You should be able to drive yourself to school. I mean, I’m not happy your left one is messed up. You know what I mean.”

I nodded. “I should be fine sleeping up here. It’ll do me good to use the stairs.” I made my way over to the computer, brushing my fingers over the keyboard. “I’m told I was a computer whiz.”

She remained by the door and when I looked up, her hands were tucked in her front jean pockets. “You’ll pick it up again, Dex,” she whispered. Her eyes went to the wall above the computer. An MIT sweatshirt hung before me.

I exhaled in a rush, letting my head hang. “I’m going to mess up, Tracey. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.”

She placed her hands on my shoulders before I’d even noticed she’d made her way across the room.

“I know I’m supposed to tell you to watch your mouth, but I’ll let that one slide. And just because you forgot everything else doesn’t mean you’ll forget your passion. If you do, it won’t kill you to go to a different college or find another passion. It’s going to be fine, Dex.”

I straightened, wanting to disappear.

“I don’t mean to be rude, but I’ve got a turkey to start trimming and you’ve got to rest. Tomorrow’s the big game and Ralph would never forgive you if you missed it.” She stepped back, and when I looked at her, my nervousness evident in my eyes, she chuckled. “Don’t worry. I’ll be right beside you.”

She went to walk out the door and I stopped her.

“Do you need help?” I asked. Her eyes lit up.

“Yeah, sure.” The response was so effortless. “My first attempt at a real Thanksgiving dinner. I definitely need help.”

Tracey was as starved as I was for human interaction. It was time we leaned on one another.

Chapter
5

I
t isn’t going to be easy. But I’ve given you something to provide you with a bit of direction.

I groaned as I stretched, my body awake before my mind could follow. I sat up and noticed the house smelled heavenly.

“Sorry. I thought I was being quiet. The turkey is in the oven. The rest can wait a few more hours.” Tracey spoke from the chair in the corner where she was cuddled up with a mug of coffee. I realized I’d fallen asleep on the couch. I groaned again, feeling stiff. She walked over to me, pulling a bottle of pills from her pocket and handing me two. She grabbed a glass of water from the kitchen and directed me to take the medicine. I acquiesced, welcoming the cool water. When I sat up, I ignored the pulsing in my leg.

“You forgot last night’s dose, so I figured you’d be hurting when you woke up.” She placed the bottle back in her pocket. “And I’ll be holding onto these. The last thing I need is for you to become addicted to painkillers.” She sipped her coffee easily, like we were having a normal conversation.

“Okay.”

“We have some time before anything needs to get done. Want to wash up? Maybe take another look at your things. See how that makes you feel.” She was pushing in her own gentle way. And because I didn’t want to disappoint her, I nodded.

I braced myself on the edge of the couch and stood. There was pain, but it wasn’t as terrible as I thought it’d be. I limped over to my crutches and headed upstairs. Tracey watched from the bottom step, ready to assist if I
couldn’t
do it. I shot her a triumphant thumbs-up when I made it to the top.

I turned to my room and grabbed a towel, looking at the few pictures I had on top of my desk. Two adults looking happily at me in a plain black frame. I guessed they were Dexter’s parents. Tracey resembled the man in the picture. There was one of a younger version of Dexter with a baseball bat in his hands. His eyes were squinted shut and his missing teeth showed through his ecstatic grin. There was no recognition within me. No spark like metal against metal. Nothing.

I pulled the door open to my bathroom and couldn’t help but look at my reflection when I turned the light on. The scruff had grown longer, and I itched to shave it.
I could just trim it
, I thought to myself, eyeing the clippers on the counter. It felt wrong to shave it when I’d already changed so much of Dexter’s life. I pulled my hair out of its restraint and ran my fingers through it, shaking my head. I couldn’t cut it. I’d have to live with it. It made Tracey happy.

I turned and limped to the shower, hoping that, although I’d done it before, I would be able to shower standing. It was different, knowing there was no nurse around waiting to help me if need be.

I twisted the knob and adjusted the water before stepping under the spray. There was a soothing moment when I tipped my head back and just existed.

I noted the large scar running down the center of my knee. I didn’t know how long it’d take the stitches under my skin to dissolve, but I didn’t worry too much about the healing process. Dex seemed to be a healthy guy.

I stepped out, towel-dried my hair, and set about trimming what I considered a beard.

When I opened the door to the bathroom, a towel around my waist, I heard Tracey singing along to the Christmas music playing in the kitchen. She was
banging
on some pot or pan and I could imagine her dancing around the kitchen, much like she had last night. I grinned and hobbled to my room.

I looked through the choices of clothes in Dexter’s dresser and closet. He wasn’t a typical computer dweeb. He certainly didn’t look the type, but it seemed he didn’t dress the part either. All of his clothes looked like they’d been chosen with care and an attempt to keep up an image. There were T-shirts, sure. But they weren’t worn or stained. No fraying on jeans, no grungy sweats. What did he wear around the house? I managed to dig up a pair of worn jeans, an undershirt and a blue sweatshirt. It was plain, but as I pulled it over the undershirt, I felt the softness of it.

I walked over to his desk and powered on his computer, hoping there was no password. When his desktop opened up, I grinned. I looked through his documents and photos, ignoring the guilt that was buzzing in my ear like an annoying fly. Everything looked unremarkable, except for a few documents that were filled with codes of sorts. My eyes scanned over the series of symbols, letters, and numbers and it clicked.