Creed of Redemption (S.I.N. Rock Star Trilogy #2) (24 page)

“That was beautiful, Diesel,” she says as she looks away. I don’t want her to look away. I want to see the feelings that she’s hiding. I want to kiss her tears away and dive deep within her. Instead I have to watch her walk away. She climbs back into her bunk, but she doesn’t open her laptop this time. She moves the book out of her way. She turns so that her back is facing us and I fucking hate that I can’t go to her.

I get up to get myself a glass of water. The guys are still discussing the songs and their take on it. Lily comes up to me and puts a hand on my shoulder. I jump from the shock of her touch. I wasn’t expecting it.

“I got it, Diesel, and so did Lourdes. That was fucking beautiful. Ballsy, but beautiful,” she says. “I’ll go and talk to her. I think I know what she may be feeling right now.” I knew Lourdes had told her about us and now she just confirmed it. I don’t know how much she knows, but I’m glad Lourdes has someone to confide in.

“What is that, Lily? What is it that you think she’s feeling?” I look to make sure the guys are not listening to us, but they’re not.

“Well, if I just had the man that I have feelings for sing a song like that to me in front of everyone and I couldn’t react, I’d be pretty bummed about it. I’m not inside her head Diesel, but if I had to guess, I’d say she’s sad that she can’t just be with you.” I never thought about that. Lily is nearly out of the kitchen before I answer her.

“Same.” I shake my head. “Fucking same.”

“Hey,” I hear Lily whisper behind me. She climbs onto my bunk with me and I look up at her through teary eyes. “Aww, Lourdes. Come on. Let’s go talk.” I don’t want to get up, but she’s not having it. I don’t want to cause a scene so I follow her. She throws her head back in laughter like I’ve just said the funniest thing ever. I’m guessing we’re being watched. Once we’re behind closed doors, she pulls me into hug. I let the sobs wrack my body.

“It’s not fair, Lily. Happiness has always been just out of reach for me. Sometimes I don’t even feel like I’m alive—like I’m just existing, you know?” She hugs me tighter and I let it all go. “I watch everyone else in their own happiness, but I can’t seem to have any for myself. Something always happens, and now this. Diesel practically admitted that he still has feelings for me with that song. He doesn’t let people in, Lily. Neither of us can do jack shit about it without the risk of unraveling everything the band has worked so hard to build.”

“I’m so sorry. Maybe I could talk to Xander. He’s the key to this shit storm, right? If he was on board with you two being together then Keyser and Gable would have no reason to care.” I can see the concern etched in her face.

“It would never work, and I couldn’t gamble the band’s future on him understanding. Too much has happened. He witnessed me going from his princess to what he called Goth Barbie. I transformed into an introvert who was only a shell of the girl he once knew. He had always been over protective of me, but even more so when he saw the change. He even speculated that some douche had broken my heart. You saw how Diesel was at the beginning of this tour with Ivy and then Melissa. You think my brother would willingly give him the green light to be with me? Not to mention the shit he probably has inside knowledge of that I have no idea about.”

Lily takes a seat on the bed and pats a spot next to her. “I know you’re right. I just wish there was a way,” she agrees sadly.

“Me too. I didn’t come here for Diesel. I really didn’t. We’re like magnets. When we’re in the vicinity of each other, we can’t resist the pull.” My tears fall harder. “Maybe I should just leave. We’re both stronger apart.”

“No way. You’re not leaving. I’ll do what I can to cover for you guys,” Lily pleads. I guess I said that out loud. “Look we will think of something to get you two some alone time until you can figure out a better plan.”

“I can’t ask you to do that Lily. If this all comes out, and Xander finds out that you not only knew, but had hand in us being together, he will feel betrayed. He may not forgive you.”

“I get that and it’s not a betrayal. I love you both. You’re his sister and you need me too, Lourdes. We all need to feel like we have somebody. I know you have Brooke, but guess what? You have me too, and I say just existing is not a way for anyone to live. If Diesel is the man that makes you feel alive, then it is not up to anyone else to dispute that. If Xander ever finds out, I’ll just have to make him see that I did this out of my love for you He loves you, Lourdes. I talked to him briefly before I came to you. He’s sad too. You two need each other and I plan to do everything in my power to make sure the two of you have a chance.”

Lily has said a mouth full. I know I should insist again that she stay out of this, but she is just as intense as Brooke. Her intentions are pure and sweet and frankly we could use her help. She’s right. Diesel is the only man that makes me feel alive—my skeletons don’t seem so suffocating when everything is right between us. I need him.

“Okay,” I whisper.

“Okay,” she agrees. She scoots further up the bed and folds down the covers for me. “Everything is going to be all right. I’m here, Lourdes.” That’s all she needs to say. There is no way I can go back out there without drawing suspicion and there is no way Diesel can come in here to comfort me for the exact same reason. Lily turns out the lights and I know that she’s not going to leave me. For the first time since this tour began, I’m hopeful. I may not be able to have the relationship that I want with Diesel, but with Lily’s help it will be more than nothing. That’s a start. I’ll take something over nothing.

T
he last few days with Diesel have been amazing. We sneak little kisses in when nobody is watching or early morning touching before everyone else gets up. Our constant flirting is giving me a blue vagina though. Still, I appreciate the time we get. This is the Diesel that I fell for—the tender moments that eradicate witnessing him being a manwhore. Although, we haven’t put a label on what we’re doing, it feels like old times. We’re teetering on dangerous ground, but I have never felt more alive. I’m addicted to this feeling—this high. I’m addicted to him and I can finally admit that to myself.

He is in his bunk above mine now, but since Xander is in his with Lily right across from us, I don’t make any attempts to mess with him. His phone rings and I hear him answer.

“Yeah, Sevyn. What’s up, man?” Diesel lowers his voice, but I can still hear him. “What? I wonder how in the hell they found out? This is good, though, right?” He pauses and I wish I could hear what is being said. I know I shouldn’t be eavesdropping, but something is up. “Okay. Look into it and let me know when you have something,” he finishes before ending the call.

“Everything all right?” Xander questions from across the way.

“Just peachy,” Diesel remarks. He hops from his bunk when the bus begins to come to a stop and I see that he is shirtless. I watch his muscles flex as he pulls a t-shirt from the place he was just lying and slips it over his head. I want to sneak in a touch so bad. I need to tide over this hunger for him. He looks down at me and smirks.
Handsome
Fucker
. I stick my tongue out at him.

“Give your girl a breather and come rehearse slacker,” he tells Xander. He walls off, but not before winking at me. I swear it’s one of his hottest Dieselisms. That and his signature smirk. Xander kisses Lily before he gets up to follow Diesel and a pang of jealousy hits me. I wish we could be just as open. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t envious of his relationship with Lily. Those two are so perfect for one another. As soon as he is out of sight, she comes over to my bunk.

“Want to watch some reality TV and make fun of the stupid crap they do?” I’m caught up on homework and I’ve already written some for the book. I don’t watch television that often, but a distraction is in order.

“Sure. I need your help with this grocery list first if you don’t mind. Xander asked if we could get the stuff on the list they made while they rehearse,” Lily mentions. “The list is not too bad.”

“You know I don’t mind. It’ll help cut the time in half if we split the list.” I’m already out of my bunk. “So they’re not getting off the bus at all?” We’ve haven’t reached our next scheduled stop, but sometimes Gus and Stewart will stop to take a break from driving and to allow us to get things we need.

“Yeah. They’re getting off to rehearse on Reckless Ambition’s bus,” Lily says. She’s looking through the refrigerator to see if the guys forgot to put anything on the list. She writes some things on the paper she has in her hand while I peek out of the window. The guys are already gone.

I see the sleek black bus parallel to ours. Both buses purposefully leave off any identifying signage revealing who’s inside. The other bus is always either in front or behind us, but Reckless Ambition is rarely on it. They travel by flight and stay in hotels mostly. Their bus just carries their equipment to each tour stop.

“I bet the interior of their bus is even nicer than this one,” I say, still staring out the window.

“I’m sure it is. It’s the
party bus
.” Lily pauses and tries to change the subject. “Are you ready to go?”

“What do you mean by party bus?” I’m not letting her off the hook. Apparently Xander shares with her way more than he does with me. She looks at me hesitantly. “Spill it, Lily.”

“Sometimes the guys get off the bus, Lourdes. We stop long enough for them to get on the other bus before we start moving again. That’s where all the groupie shit happens. Since the other band is rarely on there, it’s a place for them to be wild without subjecting us to their sexual conduct.”

My jaw drops in shock. I think back to all the times the bus seemed empty, but I just naively assumed that they were up front or in their bunks. “Xander told you all of this?” I question.

“Yeah. I only know because I woke up in the middle of the night and he was nowhere to be found. I didn’t understand since we were still moving. When I messaged him he told me he was on the other bus. I made him come clean about what was going on. He promised me that he didn’t do anything. He was just hanging with the guys. He even said he wouldn’t go back on there if I didn’t want him too.”