Critical Failures II (Caverns and Creatures Book 2) (13 page)

“What is it?” asked Dave.

“We’re about to make some new friends.”

Chapter 14

Cooper, Dave, and Tim looked toward the keep. Two men, as wide as city buses, clad from head to toe in black metal armor, drew swords with blades that Julian thought he might be able to surf on.

“Julian?” said Tim.

Julian took the cue. In any situation that might require some friendly words to diffuse an otherwise violent confrontation, he was responsible. He put his arms out in a gesture of peace and smiled.

“Gentlemen!” he said.

The men in the black armor did not appear to have succumbed to his charm. They did not pause in their advance. Julian began walking backwards, away from them.

“We don’t want any trouble,” said Tim, making a token gesture of pointing his crossbow at them. If they noticed it through their visored helmets, they gave no indication.

“These guys are some bad ass mother fuckers,” Julian heard Cooper whisper behind him. The truth of the words made Julian’s heart sink. Cooper was supposed to be the bad ass mother fucker around here. On the bright side, these guys might offer them a swifter and cleaner death than the zombies would have.

Cooper stood on wobbly legs and readied his axe. “Focus your efforts on the one on the left,” he said. “If we’re lucky, we might be able to drag one of these bastards to hell with us.”

Dave nodded his agreement and shifted his mace to a left-swinging grip.

The two men continued forward, slowly and almost silently. The slow pace at which they walked didn’t seem to be born of caution. It felt more like they just couldn’t be bothered to hurry, not on account of these four idiot weaklings who were in way over their heads.

“Fuck this,” said Tim. He shot his crossbow at the one on the left, as Cooper had instructed. The bolt bounce harmlessly off the black armor, not so much as scuffing it. “We’re so fucked.”

“That’s enough, Millard,” came a female voice from above, like a guardian angel in the night. Julian and Tim’s gazes darted upward to the top of the keep. There was Katherine… and some dude.

“Horace! Boris!” shouted the guy standing next to Katherine. “Stand down and lower your weapons! These men shall be my guests tonight. Please show them in.”

“Katherine?” Tim called out.

Katherine waved her arm wildly. “Hey Tim!”

“We’ve been looking all over for you!”

“Been here the whole time!”

“You inconsiderate bitch!” Tim was losing his shit. “Do you know how –”

Cooper wrapped a hand around Tim’s face to shut him up. “Something’s off,” he said. “I’ve never seen your sister that happy.” The fury left Tim’s eyes. He raised an eyebrow. “Just chill the fuck out until we see what’s going on, okay?” Tim nodded.

They followed the guards to the entrance of the keep. They stopped just shy of the door and turned around. One of them opened a large wooden crate. The inside was empty.

“Weapons,” said the guard by the crate.

Julian shrugged and tossed his quarterstaff inside.

Tim set his crossbow gently down and started to back away. The guard lifted him off the ground with one enormous hand. He held his other hand out to the other guard, who proceeded to remove his gauntlet. His hand exposed, Julian took note that it was, in fact, a human hand. With his bare hand, the guard removed the small bolt quiver from Tim’s belt. Then he felt around Tim’s person until he uncovered a small knife tucked away in his boot. These he threw unceremoniously into the crate.

Cooper surrendered his axe and Dave surrendered his mace. The bare-handed guard grabbed Dave by the neck, twisted his fingers around the twine that his holy symbol hung from, and yanked it free. He raised his visor. His jawbone must have been bigger than Julian’s pelvic bone. He horked up a gob of phlegm, and spit it onto the holy symbol in his palm. Then he threw it hard into the crate.

The other guard knocked on one of the huge double doors. A faint red light, like a laser pointer, shone through the crack between the doors. It started at the top and scanned down slowly until it reached the floor. Each guard grabbed a handle and pulled the doors slowly open.

Katherine stood looking absolutely radiant in a white, cleavage-enhancing gown. It was slit up one side, making everyone’s eyes but Tim’s follow the skin all the way up her impossibly long leg. Julian adjusted the scant remains of his serape to hide an imminent erection. Cooper made no effort to conceal the bulge rising forth from his loincloth.

To her right and slightly behind her stood a tall, distinguished looking man wearing a velvet purple cape over a black suit of leather armor, and managing to pull it off as imposing rather than ridiculous. Julian wondered if this was the look Mordred had been going for when he first met him at the Chicken Hut. If so, Mordred had failed horribly.

Tim wore a determinedly stern look on his face, which gave way to confusion as Katherine smiled broadly and rushed right by him without so much as a glance. She bent down on her exposed knee and stretched her arms out wide.

“Butterbean!” she cried. The white wolf put its forepaws on her shoulder and licked her face eagerly. She wrapped her arms around him and buried her face in his fur. “I’ve missed you so much!”

“Hey, sis,” said Tim. His face had gone back to its normal state of mild annoyance. “Glad to see you're okay. ”

Katherine turned her head back, as if startled to see them standing there. “Oh, hey guys. What's going on? Have you met Millard?”

“No,” said Tim, his face flushing. “We haven't met fucking Mil—”

“I'm afraid,” said Julian forcefully enough to cut Tim off, “we haven't yet had the pleasure.”

“The pleasure is all mine,” said the tall man still standing in the doorway who Julian presumed to be Millard. “Won't you come in?” He stepped to the side and lifted his left arm in a welcoming gesture.

“No thanks,” said Tim curtly. “I'll just be taking my sister and going, if it's all the same to you.”

Katherine stood up and pointed an angry finger down at Tim. “You're being rude, and I'm not going anywhere. I like it here.”

“You what?” said Tim. “This guy is bad news, Katherine. He has fucking zombies patrolling the grounds.”

“Had,” said Millard, frowning.

“I've had enough of this bullshit,” said Tim. “Cooper, pick her up.”

Cooper stood mesmerized by Katherines cleavage. Tim kicked him hard in the shin.

“Huh?” Cooper broke free from his trance, but the bulge in his loincloth threatened to poke out one of Tim's eyes if he turned quickly enough.

“Don't be foolish,” said Millard. “You boys look tired. Come, rest and dine with us, and we'll see if we can't reach an understanding.”

Tim stood where he was and seethed.

“We need the rest,” said Dave. “We'll never make it back to the city alive. We're spent.”

“And I'm hungry,” said Cooper. He walked into the open doorway and Dave followed.

“Come on, Tim,” said Julian. “There's no point in standing out here pretending we have a choice.”

“And what about Butterbean?” Tim snapped at his sister. “Are you going to just abandon your Animal Companion again? Leave him out here in the cold with these two butchers?”

Katherine looked to Millard for the answer.

“The dog may enter,” said Millard. “But it would behoove you to make sure he minds his manners. And when your friends depart in the morning, the dog goes with them.”

“Of course!” said Katherine, uncharacteristically giddily. “Do you hear that, Butterbean? You can come in, but you need to promise to be a good boy.”

Butterbean let out a sharp bark and licked her face.

Tim stood next to Julian. “This is wrong,” he said just loud enough for Julian to hear. “That's not my sister.”

“Let's get inside. We'll figure this out.”

They walked inside, Julian’s attention was immediately drawn to a ten-foot square mural of their host. He wore a feathered cap and a stupid grin. It looked like a Glamour Shot, but without any of the class and sophistication commonly associated with that brand. The giant wooden doors thudded closed behind them. It was chilly inside, but well lit. The source of the light came from copper bowls resting on iron sconces mounted regularly along the stone walls, with a heavy concentration of them lined up under the painting. It didn't flicker like fire. It was as soft and steady as an electric bulb. Julian stood on his toes to peek inside one of the copper bowls, and found a glowing stone inside it. He recognized immediately that he was looking at a stone enchanted with the Light spell.

Millard walked past the group into another room. “Come,” he said. “Sit at my table and rest. Katherine, you may sit at the table with your friends.”

The dining table was long and expensive looking. Two elves on either end of it might be able to converse normally, but two humans would have to raise their voices to be heard. The centerpiece was a set of copper scales, balanced with a Light stone on either side.

“Do you have a bathroom?” Cooper asked Millard. Only now did he seem to be aware of his massive erection. He was failing at an attempt to casually hide it by resting his hands on the end of it.

Millard looked no more comfortable than Cooper, trying to look at anything but the giant half-orc cock pointing at him. He waved a hand at a hallway. “Down there. Last door on the left.”

“Thank you,” said Cooper. He hurried down the hall.

“Stay to the left!” Millard called after him. He looked more annoyed than Julian thought was appropriate, given all of the circumstances. “Bard!” he shouted into another doorway.

Chaz sprang into the room with his lute. “At your command, sir!” He looked surprisingly healthy, considering the state he'd been in the last time Julian saw him. He had dark circles under his eyes, and he moved like a scared rabbit, but the color was back in his cheeks and he didn't look to be at Death's door anymore. His body must have finally rid itself completely of troll venom.

Millard smiled warmly. “Some music for our guests, please. Perhaps
The Ballad of the Cracked Rose
?”

“Of course, sir,” said Chaz with a slight bow.

“If you'll excuse me,” said Millard, "I must attend to matters in the kitchen.” He gestured to a large silver jug, surrounded by matching silver cups, at the center of the table. “Help yourselves to some wine.” He walked past Chaz into the doorway which Chaz had come from.

Chaz plucked away at the strings on his lute. The tune was instantly familiar to Julian, but he couldn't quite place where he'd heard it before. Maybe in his parents' car? When Chaz began singing, Julian found that he could almost sing along. “What is this song?”

“
Cracklin' Rosie
,” said Dave, strumming his sausage-like dwarven fingers on the table to the music. “I love this song.”

Tim stood up and walked hurriedly to Chaz. “Dude, knock it off for a second.”

Chaz didn't miss a note. He looked down at Tim and shook his head as he sang.

“Are you okay?” asked Tim.

Chaz continued singing. He shrugged slightly and nodded.

Tim bit his lower lip. He looked back at his sister. She was sitting the table quietly humming along with Chaz's song and staring at nothing in particular. He looked back up at Chaz. “Have you noticed that Katherine's been acting strange?”

Chaz nodded his head vigorously as he sang.

Cold night wind blew through the doorway which Millard had retreated through. It stopped just as suddenly with the sound of slamming wooden shutters. A second later, the music stopped.

“Dude,” said Chaz. “You've got to get us out of here.”

“Chaz!” said Katherine. “I don't think anyone told you to stop singing.”

“Shut the fuck up, Kat!” said Chaz.

Tim punched him in the dick. “That's my sister.”

“Millard won't be pleased if –”

“Shut the fuck up, Kat!” said Tim. “What's going on, Chaz?”

“Millard is a vampire."

“Ooh!” said Julian. “I was going to guess that!”

“You're very clever,” said Tim. He turned back to Chaz. “Has he been draining your blood?”

“No.”

“Is he fucking my sister?”

“Tim!” shouted Katherine.

“Shut up, Katherine. Something is fucked up around here, and I'm going to find out what's going on. Chaz?”

Chaz stammered, apparently not knowing what to say.

“Chaz!”

“Jesus, I don't know. Not in front of me.”

“
Millard
,” said Katherine, “has been a perfect gentleman.”

“Well that explains you being dressed up like a space-whore.”

Dave stifled a laugh just a moment too late. “Not cool, man.”

“To Katherine's credit,” said Chaz, “the guy has gone out of his way to be hospitable.”

“It doesn't make any sense,” said Tim. “If he's not feeding off you, and he's not fucking you, then why is he keeping you here as prisoners?”

“I'm here of my own free will,” said Katherine.