Culture War (9 page)

“
Colonel Czerinski is worse
in person than any story you have ever read,” said Lieutenant
Washington. “Don’t ever mess with Colonel Czerinski. He is the
Legion’s junkyard attack dog.”

“
Do you see a parallel
between the United States Galactic Federation and the Roman
Empire?” asked another human student. “The end came for Rome when
she relied too much on German mercenaries to replenish her legions
for defense of the Northern Frontier. Might the United States
Galactic Federation depend too much on you aliens in its Foreign
Legion to defend its frontiers? Might history be repeating
itself?”

“
What?” asked Lieutenant
Washington. “Do I even remotely look German?”

“
What is your ultimate goal
in the Legion?” asked a student as the session ended. “How do you
want your Legion career to end? Do you hope to be the first spider
general someday?”

“
I just want to be buried
in Arlington National Cemetery,” concluded Lieutenant Washington.
“I want to be buried with my mates.”

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Chapter 10

All activity stopped for the time-honored and
sacred American tradition of watching Monday Night Football.
Technology advanced as humanity marched across the stars, but as
long as American traditions endured, there would be the NFL and
Monday Night Football. To hell with soccer – everyone knows soccer
sucks.

Guido set up his satellite dish TV for the
Arthropodan marines. American satellite TV reception was still
banned on the spider side, and satellite dishes were still being
confiscated. Set on a card table at the MDL, the big screen TV
pointed to the spider side. Guido was also busy taking last-minute
bets. The recent Arthropodan prohibition actually increased Guido’s
business among the spiders, because they could no longer make
sports bets electronically through New Memphis.

The gathering of spider guards was larger
than usual because of the increasing amounts of money being bet on
the game. Most of the spiders favored the Seahawks over the
Steelers. Even spider team leaders and the spider duty officer
checked in for score updates, and to disperse the troops back to
their responsibilities. Guido set up a snack bar and beer garden
for those spider marines off duty or on their lunch break.

Meanwhile, Lieutenant Washington was leading
his first commando mission. Intelligence gathered during his school
recruiting tour indicated school kids on the spider side of the MDL
were griping about a large confiscation of Cowabunga skateboards by
Arthropodan border guards. It had become a major issue. The truck
full of skateboards was being stored at an unguarded impound yard
just across the border in North New Gobi City.

The Legion already had a secret tunnel in
place to cross the MDL. Lieutenant Washington led Sergeant
Williams, Corporal Valdez, Private Camacho, and Private Wayne
through the tunnel. They met up with waiting spider teenagers, who
drove them to the impound yard.

As a diversion, Pastor Jim set off aerial
fireworks from his church on the hill overlooking New Gobi.
Legionnaires cut through the impound yard fence and broke into the
truck trailer. Quickly they loaded crates of skateboards and
accessories into the spider teenagers’ cars. Caught up in the
emotion of the moment, a teenager extended a claw to Lieutenant
Washington in respectful appreciation of Legion help.

“
Dude, thank you so much,”
he said, shaking claws with Lieutenant Washington. “The Legion
rocks!”

“
You are most welcome,”
responded Lieutenant Washington. “If you can’t come to America,
then America will come to you.”

Eyeing the other spider legionnaire, the teen
ran up to Private Wayne to shake claws. “Dude you rock, too!”

“
Call me ‘dude’ one more
time, and I’ll cut you into little pieces and feed you to my
favorite human pestilence for midnight snacks,” warned Private
Wayne, as he pushed the teenager back.

“
He’s not much on public
relations and touchy-feely emotions during combat missions,”
explained Sergeant Williams. Williams let out a rebel yell and gave
the spider kid a high five. “We all rock tonight!”

Emboldened, the teenager ran up to Private
Camacho to give him a high five to show gratitude. Startled by a
spider rushing up behind him, Private Camacho dropped the crate he
was loading and drew a large jagged combat knife, taking a swipe at
the youth. The teen ducked back just in time. More cautious now, he
settled for giving Corporal Valdez a wave and a ‘thank you’ from a
few feet away. Corporal Valdez responded to the gesture with a chin
nod and a thumbs-up. All the spider teenagers picked up on that and
returned the thumbs up and tried to imitate the chin nod. Because
of their rigid exoskeletons, the spiders had difficulty with the
chin nod. They could only manage what looked more like odd mandible
twitching. However, their heartfelt intent was successfully
conveyed. Even Private Camacho returned the thumbs up and a
nod.

In the next few days, spider youth all across
the New Gobi Desert got an early Christmas present. To the
consternation of Arthropodan authorities, each contraband
skateboard distributed bore a stamp in large lettering that read,
‘MADE IN USA.’

* * * * *

The New Gobi City Walmart was purposely built
straddling the MDL so that both humans and spiders could shop at
the same store. The MDL was painted in red and yellow down the
middle of the highly waxed floors. The success of this business
model had been expanded to other Walmarts and businesses in the
DMZ.

Although the spider Governor of the North
Territory tolerated trade between the North and South as a
necessary and inherent evil, he was not going to allow the infamous
annual Black Friday sale at Walmart to continue another year. Black
Friday was the day after the American Turkey Holiday & Feast
when Walmart held a huge pre-Christmas sale on all items in the
store when the doors opened at the stroke of midnight Thursday.

Thousands of Arthropodan citizens lined up
waiting for Walmart’s doors to open. In years past, stampedes
resulted in injuries, fights, and heart attacks. Last year there
had even been a death by trampling. The governor’s problem with
Black Friday was not the good sales at an American store, or the
rowdy crowds, or even the mixing of the species at an
American-inspired event. His problem was that Arthropodans would be
Christmas shopping. It appeared to the governor that, once again,
the insidious human pestilence had manipulated Arthropodan habits
and culture with American decadence.

If Arthropodans were shopping for Christmas,
it meant they were also celebrating Christmas, and all had been
lost. The governor was determined that the end of Arthropodan
culture on New Colorado would not happen on his watch. Nor would
the end be allowed to incubate on New Colorado and to spread to the
rest of the Empire. The governor gave the order that Black Friday
would be shut down on the Arthropodan side of Walmart.

By Thursday night, many spiders had already
pitched tents and formed lines in the parking lot on the north side
of the New Gobi Walmart. It was a festive social event. Friends
from the outlying districts who had not seen each other since the
first of the year at Walmart greeted each other with hugs and
plotted shopping strategies. The good mood soured, however, when a
company of Arthropodan tanks, armored cars, and infantry marines
arrived and deployed between the crowd and the store.

“
I am sorry,” announced the
spider commander on a public address system. “Access to Walmart is
closed. There will be no pre-Christmas shopping allowed at
midnight, by order of the governor. The doors will remain
locked.”

As a precaution, the front doors were chained
and padlocked. The spider commander continued to explain to no
avail that Christmas shopping was an American trick to impose
Christmas on Arthropodan culture, and would not be allowed. The
shoppers booed and hissed and drowned out the commander’s voice. As
midnight approached, the crowd grew to thousands. They pressed in
on the company of nervous spider marines.

At midnight, a Walmart employee and an
Arthropodan marine team leader appeared inside the store and hung
up a large ‘CLOSED’ sign on the glass doors. The crowd got louder
and more militant, throwing shopping carts and asphalt chunks from
the parking lot at the marine armor. However, after a while, the
enthusiasm of the crowd started to wane. As the spider commander
appealed to their sense of duty and patriotism, spider shoppers
started to disperse. Most spiders considered themselves to be a
law-abiding and orderly species from a law-abiding and orderly
culture. They abhorred mob rule, and a sense of relief swept over
shoppers and marines alike as the crowd started going home
peacefully.

Then it happened. The spark needed to ignite
already frayed tempers was the sight of human pestilence shoppers
inside Walmart loading up their shopping carts with boxes of
electronic appliances and tech gear. Some Americans waved at the
spiders from behind the large plate glass doors. They held up their
bargains for the spiders in the parking lot to see. Others just
gave the one-fingered salute and giggled.

The taunting was too much for the spider
shoppers to accept. Thousands of angry spider shoppers pushed past
the marine barrier and smashed the glass doors with concrete from
pulled-up light fixtures. They poured into the store, grabbing
merchandise off the shelves and from Americans shopping carts.
Fights ensued, followed by a nasty riot. More than one spider
rioter was run over by angry fat ladies pushing shopping carts. In
the end, no one paid for any merchandise. The
five-fingered-discount sale ruled the midnight madness. Walmart was
emptied of merchandise and trashed. A Merry Christmas was had by
all.

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Chapter 11

Flush with cash from the latest Seahawks win,
the spider commander was feeling pretty good. He decided to walk to
the border crossing to talk to Guido about next week’s games.
Accompanying the spider commander was his military intelligence
officer. As they walked, both had to jump aside to miss being hit
by skateboarders using the sidewalks for a race track. The
skateboarders were wearing the latest American-manufactured
four-legged Levi blue jeans. Lots of young spiders were wearing the
blue jeans today. Normally this would have irritated the spider
commander, but he knew the blue jeans had been looted from Walmart.
There was a ban on blatantly American apparel, but the spider
commander wanted to savor this one little victory over the
Americans.

At the checkpoint, the spider commander
noticed a new American banner flying under the American flag. The
new flag had a black check mark emblem on a red background. He had
seen that emblem before somewhere, but could not remember where.
“What is that?” asked the spider commander, pointing at the new
flag.

“
It’s the Nike Swoosh,”
answered Guido. “Nike Sportswear, Incorporated, is sponsoring the
Legion’s First Division. We even get the Swoosh on all our
uniforms.” Guido tugged at his collar, proudly displaying a small
black Swoosh.

“
This is an advertising
gimmick?” asked the spider commander. “Why not just advertise on
your all powerful satellite TV networks?”

“
Nike believes in
word-of-foot advertising,” said Guido. “Would you like a free ‘JUST
DO IT’ coffee cup? We’re giving them away to the first five hundred
people or spiders passing across the MDL.”

“
Yes, I would,” replied the
spider military intelligence officer. “Thank you very much,
Guido.”

“
No!” objected the spider
commander. “Put that cup down! Now I remember. I’ve seen your
Swooshstika before. Our school children are wearing that emblem.
What does it mean?”

Guido shrugged. “It’s just Nike’s corporate
symbol. But you are right about the kids liking it. Lieutenant
Washington says the Swoosh on our Legion uniforms is great for
recruiting. We’re hip now. Did you know that the Nike Swoosh is the
most distinctive and recognized brand logo in the galaxy?”

Startled, the spider commander quickly
checked ‘Nike’ on the database. “Nike takes its name from the Greek
Goddess of Victory!” exclaimed the spider commander. “So that’s
what all these Swooshstikas are about. The Legion is trying to
claim victory over our civilization!”

“
Whatever,” said Guido.
“Would you like to have a free Swoosh tee-shirt?”

The spider commander stormed out of the guard
shack. The military intelligence officer grabbed the free tee-shirt
for his girl friend and ran to catch up. He stuffed the offending
Swoosh shirt in a pouch.

“
We are going to the
closest high school at once,” ordered the spider commander, as they
climbed into a jeep. “Did you hear what Guido said about Legion
recruitment at the schools?”

“
I think he was talking
about Legion enlistment quotas at their own schools south of the
MDL,” reasoned the military intelligence officer. “He was not
saying Lieutenant Washington has infiltrated our
schools.”

“
We shall see,” said the
spider commander, as they drove to North New Gobi High School, home
of the Tarantulas.

Most of the students were attending a pep
rally for Friday night’s homecoming football game with the South
New Gobi High Wolves. The students were gathered around a
substantial bonfire. A large poster depicted a large tarantula
mascot menacing a small frightened wolf pup.