Cyrus (26 page)
He laughed as he dried off my back, “You got
plans for me do you?”
“Yes as a matter a fact, but first I want to
sleep. I’ll wake you when I want more.”
“What the hell has gotten into you Birdie,
damn,” his mouth was on my neck.
“I can’t believe you have to ask what has
gotten into me.”
He smiled, “No? Why’s that?”
“It’s midnight, not my birthday
anymore.”
“Good damn thing cause you’re gonna swallow
next time.”
He flopped on the bed and I sat next to him,
he pulled me down against him.
“Hey Cyrus. I am having a great time tonight
with you and I don’t know if when I wake up you’ll be here…”
“Flight in the morning, no plans to leave
without saying Goodbye, that’s your MO not mine.”
I sat up and turned around and looked at
him, “I still want the chance to say some things okay? Without you
being mad?”
He didn’t answer he just looked at me.
“I don’t not like swallowing when I’m with
you. I kind of like it actually,” that made him smile, good. “When
it was with Tony, he made me be a whore…”
“You’re not a whore, Birdie.”
“I know that now, you helped me realize that
I am whoever I want to be Cyrus. Bad things happen to good people.
Julie still has you convinced…” he started to move and I slapped my
hand on that fucking mirror tattoo, “She has you convinced you’re a
bad man and you’re not bad. You’re actually the most amazing,
beautiful man I’ve ever met in my life.”
“Tara, this shit was not supposed to end
with either of us pissed off.”
“I’m not pissed…”
He sat up and tried to move me off and I
held tighter, “As your friend I should point out when you’re wrong.
Your family knows it, but they’re too afraid that you’ll be angry
to say it.”
“Let go, Tara.”
“As you’re friend Cyrus I am telling you
you’re the strongest, smartest most caring man I have ever met. As
the girl who loves you,” he froze, “As the girl who loves you: I
need to make you see you’re worth it.”
“Enough!” He stood and I continued to hold
on.
“No damn it! Cyrus, I trust in everything
about you. I love you. You have finally made it okay for me, no you
forced me to realize it’s okay to dream with my eyes open. I want
to do the same for you. I want to be yours Cyrus, not just now
but…”
“I fucking told you who I am! I also told
you no one could ever own you…”
“Then you be mine Cyrus, let me take care of
you, let me love you and listen to you and show you what you taught
me.”
“Down, now! God Damn it Tara!’
I stepped down on the bed, “I know you feel
the same.”
“Fuck! No Tara, I don’t love you in that
way…’
“You told me you were falling in love with
me five days ago.”
He stopped and looked at me and shook his
head no, “I am exactly who I told you I was, this just proves it
even more. Thanks for helping me realize what I already knew.”
I blocked him from leaving, “You can’t leave
me, I do need you.”
“No Tara you will be fine, you are fine. I
should’ve stayed the fuck away. I’m sorry I did this to you.”
“Don’t leave, please, what if something
happens and you leave mad and I never see you again and…please
don’t leave I need you.”
“Tara you are a strong brave beautiful girl,
you’re gonna be fine. And someday you’ll find someone who deserves
that.”
He opened the door and I yelled behind him,
“I ALREADY DID!”
Before boarding the plane I sent two texts,
one to Jase explaining the ticket he would be receiving in the mail
and one to Carly telling her to check in on Tara.
I was hung over as fuck, Nickie D and I tied
one on when I left the mind fuck that was supposed to be a night
making it easier for her. The one that started with the hottest sex
of my life and ended with leaving a crying girl behind. Yeah that’s
me, and that’s Truth.
I slept the entire flight and then went to
Zandor’s fuck pad and slept more. I needed to stop drinking.
When I woke I had a text from Tara
-One… safe flight. I hope you made it
safely. Tara
The casino was absolutely amazing, most
beautiful thing I had seen in my life. The craftsmanship of each
piece of furniture was out of this world and so was the local
scenery. I took so many photos, there was so much to shoot.
I sat in front of the computer downloading
photos and I had another text
-
Two… days since I have talked to you, I’m
so sorry if I hurt you…Tara
I was pretty sure I could stop myself from
responding.
The next day I spent in the hotels security
room looking for any bugs in the computer system. I found a few, so
this trip was gonna take a little more time.
I laid down to sleep and my screen lit
up
-
Three…things I want you to know. I will
always care about you, I will always be grateful for you, and I
will never forgive myself for hurting you. I really didn’t mean
to.
Fuck that wore me out. I couldn’t respond,
mission fucking come down, and I tell you what: I felt like a crack
whore in need of a fix. This was the longest time I’d gone without
seeing her, ever. And yes-- that’s wrong on many levels, I’d only
known the girl for less than two weeks yesterday and the fact that
I knew that was sick man!
The next night, another text
-Four – the number of people I see every day
that stop me in my tracks forcing me to take a second look hoping
it’s you. Tara
The next night I waited and nothing,
-Five-it’s been five days Tara and I’m just
receiving your text took me awhile to figure out the wifi…C
I only sent it because I know how she feels
about five, she fucking stumbles on it every time. Yeah I know, me
trying to convince myself is pretty fucking lame.
-Six…for six full minutes I smiled because I
think you’re okay. BTW my face hurts…Tara
The next night I try to concentrate but all
I can think is that it’s been one hell of a week. Things are going
well, and then damn I realize I’m not even trying to get back on
the proverbial horse and why the hell am I thinking that!
-Seven…been seven days since I was home-- if
you see Bell let her know Italian Ice is the same as Italian Ice
and that I was right…C
I had the day to take more photos and I was
joined by a few colleagues and yes one tried to get me to go back
to her room and I said no. Why? Because the last girl I fucked fell
in love with me and the Truth is I ain’t doing that shit again for
a while. I threw my camera to the side and grabbed my phone
-Eight…You know how in the rodeo they make a
huge deal about riding something for eight seconds? Imagine how
disappointing eight seconds would be. Thought sprung on by girl
talk at work, which reminded me of you and how truly grateful I am
that my ride lasted far more than eight seconds!...Tara
That was funny shit but I wouldn’t respond
cause then I would have to talk her into face time sex. Fuck yeah I
wanted that again
, Giddy Up, Birdie!
I spanked it and you wanna know something
sick? It only took my ass eight minutes to come. I needed to find
something to play with or I was gonna be a rodeo clown next time my
ass got in the saddle. Gotta push forward right? Fuck no, I was
here to work, and get over the girl who still sent texts after I
was a fuck to her because like always she saw right through my
shit.
I was seriously tired now, all the bugs were
out and now we were checking on cameras and I was pushing hard for
metal detectors and heightened security. Everyone thought I was
insane but this place would be a terrorists dream. US owned company
for the rich on foreign soil. Yeah, I would push until I got what I
wanted, in this case anyway.
I picked up my phone
-Nine…Nine days of stress, whose idea was
this anyway? …C
I immediately got a reply
-you okay?
-yep, probably over thinking things go to
sleep Birdie…C
Mother Fucker, she was Tara not Birdie, son
of a bitch!
-When will you be home? Can we talk when you
do come home?...Tara
-Not sure, lots that needs to be done
here…C
- I see, sorry. Take care…Tara
Note to self no more texting when
exhausted.
The next night she sent another.
-10…ten days and I understand what you need.
Ten is my end number so don’t feel like you need to reply tomorrow.
I’m good, fine, strong and so are you. I hope that someday you will
see what I do and that no matter how much time passes you know I
will always consider you a friend…Tara
Perfect, exactly what you asked for
Cyrus.
Another week went by and I was getting what
I asked for from everyone. I should have felt like the luckiest
mother fucker on the planet. Security was heightened everywhere in
the casino and the resort and Tara Gardner ended her texts. I was
proud of her for being as strong as I knew she could be.
But was I the luckiest mother fucker on the
planet—hell no! I was swamped, pulling eighteen hours and crashing
hard every night and I missed the hell out of that little Birdie. I
was gonna cave and call my sister in law to see what she was up
to.
“Hello?”
“Hey Carly what’s up?”
“Cyrus? Is everything alright?”
“Sure is, everything’s great.”
“Do you know it’s two in the morning?”
“Oh shit sorry, you got a minute?”
“Um sure?”
“How’s Tara doing?”
“Well she found out Steel owns Fit and she
was very unhappy when she brought me the cell you had given her. I
tried to explain and she was polite, but short. She probably
doesn’t trust me, so not good Cyrus, not good at all.”
“Okay so you can fix that, is she meeting
other friends, is she smiling? Come on Carly give me more.”
“She and Christoff George are close. They do
a lot together.”
“WHO!”
“A co-worker, he’s a real nice…”
“Isn’t there a no fraternization
policy?”
“Yes, apparently a lot of policy’s changed
the day she started. Cyrus you…”
“I what! She needed to be safe and…”
“You needed to control that. Which made her
not trust you or me.”
“What else?”
“She’s selling her parents’ house, so that
she can pay you back…”
“What’s her number?”
“I’m not telling you that, she doesn’t want
you to have it. She told me she loved you Cyrus. That she tried to
make you see, the truth about yourself and you wouldn’t have
any…”
“What is her fucking number!”
I was getting real pissed and apparently so
was Carly, “None of your mother fucking business!”
Holy shit Carly said a bad word, which made
me laugh my ass off.
“Bro what the hell are you calling my wife
…” I heard a door shut and Jase snickered, “Did you hear that shit
come out of her mouth?”
“Yeah I did, she’s fucking pissed.”
I heard another door shut and he laughed out
loud, “Listen you wanna talk sneaky shit you call me not my wife,
she’s kind of pissed at you.”
“She sounded like the chick from the
exorcist man,” Jase and I laughed, “Turn you on?”
“Fuck yeah, but her ass is hell bent on
getting knocked up and I’m not ready for that shit,” Jase laughed,
“So she’s holding out.”
“Jerk off in front of her, that’ll
work.”
“Fuck no, she’ll start doing the same shit,
remember that mouse Cyrus, well there was a fucking vibrator in
that box too, and that shit pisses me off.”
“Toys piss you off?”
“Yep, it’s my dick or nothing.”
“You afraid she’s gonna die man? Cause if
it’s that shit get over it. What happened to Charlee won’t happen
to her.”
“Cyrus you wanna keep dishing out advice
when you can’t take it yourself get a fucking talk show.”
“I miss you man.”
“The girl you’re not in love with is hanging
out with a pretty good looking southern dude. He’s real nice to
her, you gonna let that shit happen?”
“I gotta go, talk to you soon.”
Alright that’s what you want let it be, a
guy who’s good to her. Yeah that’s exactly what you want but it
fucking hurts still.
George hooked up a live feed at the gym to a
secure account for me. Loved that he didn’t ask questions, hated
that he didn’t tell you shit unless you asked. I wasn’t asking
questions.
I watched for two weeks as she and Ken
danced around and laughed in the employee lounge at work. I wish he
would pull that shit on video in the gym itself, mother fucker! I
hated the bastard and one fuck up and he’d lose his job. He’d fuck
up, guys always did.
The next week Tara’s house sold and she
deposited everything she could have possible owed me and then some.
I had George return what she overpaid. I watched that go down too,
set it up so I could. She shook his hand and smiled and as soon as
he left she sat down and cupped her face and shook. I couldn’t
handle much more and then I saw that fuck scoop her up and sit on
the couch holding her as she cried.
Four days later shit really hit the fan.
Jase called me and told me she was moving in with Ken and I was
done for. I wasn’t letting that happen, no fucking way was I
letting that happen. Not without a fight. She was fucking this up!
She needed to be strong on her own not behind some fuck who wore
spandex to work!
I busted ass and got it all finished up nice
and tight. No sleep either and I didn’t care I was gonna make sure
the girl I…I was gonna make sure Tara weighed her damn options. It
was a week before November first, and I was gonna stop this
shit.
Something happened to me weeks ago that
changed me, I’ve been trying to make it go away but I can’t. I was
stuck in it. He consumed me and he wasn’t even here. He was across
the ocean and I was still walking in circles as I tried to figure
out how I could feel something that was not real.