Cyrus (25 page)

I remember the childhood rhyme ‘Sticks and
stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me’. Whoever
came up with that had good intention. I picture the author of that
phrase trying to empower a child to be stronger than any person
should ever have to be. An affirmation that they are bigger than
those words, bigger than the pain that words can cause. Being
bullied, being emotionally abused and manipulated by Tony-- was
worse than any beating that he could have given me. I honestly
don’t remember that pain, but I’ll forever remember the pain I felt
when he called me names, or easily manipulated me into doing things
that I never in a million years would have done, things I truly
knew nothing about. But for Tony, to see someone who sometimes
looked at you like you truly mattered, I would have done
anything.

Cyrus Steel was visibly the most beautiful,
strongest man I had ever laid eyes on. But even laying eyes on him
hurt now. I love him for what he has done for me. He cared for me,
I knew he did. I still know he does. I could easily get past that
feeling, loving someone for what they had given or done for you can
fade with time. But I loved him for his heart and his touch, and
the tender way he loved me. The same way I desperately wanted to
love him that at first seemed okay but now…it wasn’t allowed. It is
because I know I love Cyrus that I want so badly to give him what
he has asked for, to let go. To show him I’m strong, that he made
me strong, and to try someday to be his friend. It was because I
loved Cyrus enough to not want to hurt him that I would avoid him
at all costs. Because when I see him all I want is to fall into
him, and love him the way he loved me.

Jeffery George gave me a ride to Charlotte’s
calling hours right after work. Carly had mentioned I should come
and I knew it was because he would be there. She loved him, and we
had talked after work Monday. She knew he cared for me and wished
he would admit it, that something would happen to make him stop
being a, in her words, ‘Stubborn asshole’.

I couldn’t look at the woman, Charlotte
laying in the coffin, but I made an effort to stand as long as I
could in front of the dark cherry box. Bella was strong, and I
would be that for her. I hugged her and she hugged me tightly back.
I paid my respects and signed the book.

Jeffery was truly amazing and I was blessed
to have him in my life. I felt like I had known him before, like he
and I were friends when I was whole a long time ago.

He agreed and mentioned that he was pretty
sure that his sexual orientation made him a good friend to
untrustworthy little peanuts like me, “That’s what it is Darlin’”
he winked.

See he didn’t even know me, he didn’t know
my story
, he just knew something and he didn’t push either.
He was my new best friend, that’s what he told me all the time and
after only three days I have to say, I believe it. He and Carly,
both made me feel so comfortable and loved. I just needed to
continue on like this.

Today was my twenty first birthday, I wasn’t
big on celebrating birthdays like some people. Christoff George
tried to get me to go out, but I didn’t want to so I promised that
we would on Saturday night.

I sat on my bed looking at the iPod that I
was given as a birthday gift from my employer, and Christoff George
and my other co-workers gave me an iTunes card? Yes they had to
show me how to work the damn thing but I’m ‘One smart cookie’ and
learned quickly.

I toweled my hair off and laid down. I had
bought a couple songs so I popped the little ear buds in and
listened to the music. I was a stupid, stupid girl and pushed
repeat and cried myself to sleep.

~

“Tara,” I must have been dreaming because I
could hear him, smell him and the music was gone. I didn’t want to
wake so I rolled over and tried to drift back into Cyrus land.

“Tara,” someone touched my back and I jumped
up and sprung to my feet. “Easy there Birdie.”

“Sorry, I thought I…is everything alright?”
I sat and covered myself.

“Yeah, I was going to take you to dinner for
your birthday remember? Happy Birthday, Tara Gardner.”

He handed me a bottle of wine and I
smiled.

“Let’s go get dinner,” Cyrus reached to pull
me up and I froze, “You feeling alright?”

“Have you been drinking?” I could smell
alcohol.

“I had a few after the services.”

I jumped up, “You shouldn’t be driving when
you’re drunk. NO! I won’t go anywhere with you. Can you take care
of yourself Cyrus?!”

“Hey there slow down.” He reached for me and
I ran down the stairs to grab my phone, his phone to call him a
cab. “Tara slow down, Christ! It’s your fucking Birthday!”

“So you think it’s alright…you expect me to
be … give me your keys and call a cab.”

I reached in his pocket and he froze,
“Birdie, damn you.”

I could feel him, and I froze too.

“There’s a car outside waiting to take you
and I to dinner for your birthday Tara.”

I closed my eyes and shook my head no, “I’ve
had a few drinks Birdie--- how about you take your hand off of me
and go get changed.”

I looked up at him, “I want you…to be
careful. I didn’t mean to snap.” His eyes were glazed and if at all
possible he was growing even thicker and harder.

“Forgiven,” his breath hissed.

“I don’t want to go to dinner,” I began
stroking him through his pocket and he didn’t stop me.

He reached in his other pocket and grabbed
his phone and dialed a number, “Cancel the reservations and I’ll
call you when I need you.”

He looked down at me, “I didn’t come for
this.”

“You promised three times and …it’s my
birthday.”

“It’s not why I came, do you understand
that?” His voice was deep and raspy I nodded, “I’m leaving in the
morning do you understand that?”

“Yes,” I pulled my hand out and loosened his
tie, he bent so I could pull it over his head.

“You can stop this anytime you want
Birdie.”

“I don’t want to,” I untucked his shirt and
pulled it opened.

Buttons flew and his hands cupped my ass and
pulled me up hard against him. His mouth crashed over mine, he
stilled and I could feel his hot, wanting breath against my mouth
as he walked us upstairs.

“Your birthday Birdie, you sure this is what
you want?” he sat me on the bed.

I saw the ear buds on the bed, “Dance with
me, just once first?”

He shook his head yes as I unbuckled his
belt and he let them fall to the floor. I stood on the bed and took
off my t-shirt and underwear. I picked up the iPod and turned it on
shuffle. I placed one in my ear and walked to him and he grabbed my
hips stopping me. I put the ear bud in his ear and he closed his
eyes and his hands guided my hips to the beat of the song. He
lifted my leg and placed it over his shoulder. I held onto his
black silky hair as he kissed me softly covering the tattoo that he
had done four days ago. His tongue circled it and he kissed lower,
licked lower, sucked lower.

I held his shoulders pushing my wet hot lips
against his mouth and he held my ass kneading it and with his other
hand lifted my other leg and stood. I bent over holding his back
bracing myself for the rapidly spreading heat to consume me. He
didn’t stop when I came, he continued savagely sucking me, fucking
me with his tongue until I came again.

He lowered me, dragging me slowly down his
body until I wrapped my legs around his waist.

The song changed and he pulled my head to
his shoulder as I tried to catch my breath.
Sirens
played in
our ears and he began to slowly move to the beat of the music,
“This alright Birdie?”

“Perfect,” I held tighter to his neck.

I finally leaned back and reached down
freeing him from his sexy black boxers. I stroked him and felt the
moist tip of his hard throbbing cock as he continued to move to the
beat. I reached between us and put him against my drenched opening
and I rocked to the same beat. I held the iPod in the same hand as
I was holding his neck.

To the beat of the music, I pushed down and
moved my hips trying to push further down the rock hard shaft
attached to Cyrus. I leaned back as he held my hips, I gripped his
forearms and looked at our bodies connected in the most intimate
way two people could be connected. I watched him watching me and
then us as I swayed and circled my hips to the beat.

When the song ended he pulled me up tight
against him and sat on the end of the bed bringing me down hard on
him. I brought my knees under me and began to ride him, hard and
fast.

“Damn Birdie fuck! Yeah just like that.”

“Oh God!”

“Don’t stop Birdie, don’t you ever stop,” I
looked up and saw his eyes focused on our connection. He held my
hips firmer and tighter against him as he began thrusting, meeting
mine thrust for thrust.

I came again and he rolled me over. He
pulled me to the end of the bed and shoved in even further than I
thought was possible.

He slowed and pulled out and picked me up,
“We need to finish this in the shower Birdie, I didn’t bring a
condom, I didn’t expect this. But I am so fucking glad you asked me
in again.”

“Hands on the wall, Birdie.”

I did as he asked and he slammed into me
over and over again. I came for a third time and he finished with
me, all over my back.

“You okay?” he asked as he wrapped me in a
towel and walked me out to bed.

“Yes,” I was still out of breath.

“Good, I need to tell you a few things, can
I lay next to you?”

I smiled, “You’re asking permission after
what we just did?”

“Yeah, I am. I asked permission before that
happened too, remember?”

“Of course I do.”

“Good, I don’t know where to start. Well I
do but I wanted to ease into this. You ask me about the broken
mirror tattoo all the time. That one is painful to go back and
remember, I’m a much different person now. But then when I looked
in the mirror, I saw the devastation I left behind. I had lost my
squad. I came home and straight to a girl who had broken up with me
because I joined the Navy, a girl who continued to write and tell
me how we fucked things up and that she loved me. A girl who knew I
was coming home to her, plans set in stone. I needed her comfort,
it had been six months of hell and I needed her. She wasn’t home,
she was at a party. I walked in on her doing lines. Never in my
life would I have thought she of all people would be doing
drugs.”

“When I flipped my shit, Jase showed up and
dragged me out. He told me she had been doing drugs for months and
that the fucking scum she was doing them with was her boyfriend. We
grew up together, we were friends before we even slept together.
That night I tied one on. She came to me, I fucked her, she told me
she was sorry and that because of her anxiety and worry about me
she did start doing drugs and that Jase was lying when he said she
was dating Jerry. Julie stayed with me in a hotel for a week, we
talked about getting married. Talked about kids and shit. I knew I
had put a lot of pressure on her and I felt like shit, until we
were at a party two nights before I was to re-deploy and she snuck
into the bathroom and I caught her hosing up lines again. I was
pissed and even more pissed when I saw Jerry in there hiding behind
the shower curtain. I went to another party and fucked a girl in
the bathroom, she walked in and flipped. We woke up the next day
and she told me I could never be who I promised to be and that she
did what she did, because she was trying to stay strong for me.
Another six months passed, letters and the whole thing. I bought a
ring, came home, she was fucking Jerry when I found her, she threw
everything she had ever felt at me. Made me realize what a selfish
fuck I could be, and how my actions drove her into every bad thing
that had happened. At first I was pretty damn sure she was trying
to blame me and then Dad died, trying to help me help others. My
need to wrong my rights caused me to hurt so many people. Self
serving piece of shit…”

“You are not…”

“I was. I was very much so Tara, that’s the
truth. If I allow myself to believe otherwise, I ruin people.
Self-realization at its finest.”

I didn’t know what to say to him, he was
wrong, so fucking wrong.

“Any questions?”

I couldn’t think of anything that wouldn’t
cause a fight, “What do the pieces represent?”

“The peoples’ lives I fucked up that I can
never give back what I have taken from them. Momma, Jase, Zandor,
Xavier, Bella, and Julie.”

“Five of those people love you so much
Cyrus. And the other one is a piece of shit who if I ever run into
I’m gonna kick her…”

“Birdie, I’ve taken responsibility. I know
what I’m capable of.”

“She did this to you, she’s still doing it
to you!”

He started to sit up and I pounced on him, I
didn’t want him to leave, not mad, not now, not ever, “This one,
what is this one?”

He let out a deep breath and laid back,
“Family, the whole sleeve. Each of them is represented, and hidden
in the flames.”

“Protecting them, loving them Cyrus.”

“Always.”

I could tell he was ready to bolt as soon as
he could so I kissed him and put his hand on my hips, “I want you
again.”

“Birdie I don’t…”

“Same ride tiger-- your rules not mine,” I
felt him smile against my mouth.

“Tiger huh?”

I leaned back and wiggled against his
hardening cock, “Oh my bad, more like a horse.”

“Well then Birdie why don’t you saddle
up.”

We both laughed and I reached between us
again and slowly sank down onto him, “Giddy up, Cowboy.”

We finished in the bathroom again, “We are
going to be the two cleanest people in the world by the time this
night ends.”