Damage (8 page)

I had to tell her that Max was on his way. She was going to hate me, but I had to tell her. “You didn't drive home, did you?”

She shook her head. “I left the car somewhere. Took a cab home. Cost me twenty bucks.”

“Well, that was a good decision anyway.”

“I'm not a total idiot, you know.”

“I don't think you're an idiot at all,” I said. “You're just unhappy.” I studied her face—her blue eyes, so like Zach's with their thick fringe of lashes, her straight dark eyebrows, the soft curve of her cheeks. I swallowed hard, and my throat ached with the effort of holding back my own tears. “I...uh...Ronnie, you know I really care about you. I wish I could fix things for you.”

“You can't,” she said. “No one can.” She started to cry for real, and I held out my arms. She leaned against me, her head on my shoulder. I rested my chin on the top of her head and stroked her hair. “I've messed everything up,” she whispered. “I always do.”

I had to tell her. It'd be awful if Max just arrived and she didn't know. “Ronnie,” I said. “Please don't hate me. But...well, when you didn't come home, I looked at the messages on your phone. I talked to Max.”

I felt her whole body go still, as if she had stopped even breathing. Then she let out a long shuddering gasp. “So you know then. You know what I did.”

“I know Max has custody of Zach. Yeah.”

“Is he coming to get him?” She pulled back, looked at me and wiped the tears from her cheeks. “He is, isn't he?”

I nodded. “Ronnie, you have to talk to him.”

“He'll be furious,” she said. “He'll hate me.”

“He doesn't hate you,” I said. “I could tell. He was upset and worried, but he definitely doesn't hate you.”

“He should then,” Ronnie said.

“I hate myself.”

She was standing right in front of me, but I felt like there was a thick glass wall between us, like nothing I said would reach her. “Don't say that, Ronnie.”

“It's the truth.”

I hesitated, not wanting to say anything that would make her feel worse. “Look, Joelle told me a bit about your family. It sounds like you've had some lousy stuff to deal with. So don't be so hard on yourself.”

“I used to be so sure I'd never be like them,” she said. “I didn't drink at all when I was pregnant, you know. Not once. And when Zach was born, I promised him I'd be such a good mother.”

I wanted to tell her she was a good mother, but I couldn't bring myself to say it. “You love him,” I said instead. “That's why you did this, right?”

“Of course I
love
him,” she said. “But that's not enough, is it? Anyway, that's not really why I took him. Or not the whole reason anyway.”

“So why did you do it then?”

She sighed. “I just thought...I thought if I had him with me, I wouldn't keep doing this shit. Drinking, I mean. I thought I could do it for him, you know?”

“Maybe you should get some help,” I said. “Go to an AA meeting, or talk to a counselor or something.”

She folded her arms across her chest, her hands gripping her shoulders so tightly, her knuckles were turning white— like she was literally trying to hold herself together. “I'll figure it out,” she said.

“You don't have to do it on your own, you know.”

“Yeah,” she said. “I do.”

Ultimately, I guessed, that was true. No one could do it for her. Still, she had friends. “Listen, Joelle told me to wake her if you came back.”

“No, let her sleep. I want to see Zach though.” She disappeared into Joelle's bedroom and came back a minute later with Zach, still fast asleep, in her arms.

“Here, sit down.” I gestured to the chair. It had just occurred to me that Ronnie could take off again, taking Zach with her, and how would I stop her? Ronnie sat down and settled Zach on her lap, his head against her chest. “I'll miss him so much,” she said, stroking his hair. “I can't believe this is happening.”

“You can still see him on weekends, right?”

“After this? Who knows.”

“Talk to Max,” I said. “Seriously. I could tell he still cares about you.”

“I don't deserve it,” she said.

“Yeah, Ronnie. You do. You deserve way more than you've had.” My voice cracked. “I care about you too.”

She gave me a smile. Then, to my surprise, she laughed. “But that's Luke's line, isn't it?”

“What are you talking about? Luke who?”

“Skywalker, goof. Leia says,
I wonder if Han really cares about anyone
. And Luke says,
I care.
”

I stared at her. “I can't believe you remember that.”

“Come on, you made me act out that whole movie about a million times. It's permanently carved into my memory.”

“Wow.” I shook my head. “Well, for what it's worth, I do care.”

“You're a good kid, Theo.”

I shook my head. “I'm not a kid anymore, Ronnie.”

“I know you're not.” She stood up. “Take Zach, okay? I'm not going to wait for Max. Would you look after Zach until he gets here?”

“But—”

“Please?”

I took Zach from her. For some reason, the warmth of his body and the weight of him in my arms made me want to cry. “Ronnie, are you sure?”

“I need to do this on my own.” She met my eyes. “Tell Joelle thanks. I left her spare key on her bedside table. And tell Max I'm sorry. Tell him...tell him I'm taking some time to myself. To sort myself out, you know?”

“You could do that in Seattle,” I said. “And that way you could still see Zach on the weekends.”

“I can't do it in Seattle,” she said. “I already tried doing it in Seattle. That's why I came here.”

“Yeah, but that didn't work, did it? Maybe it wasn't Seattle that was the problem.” Zach stirred in my arms, and I lowered my voice. “Look, I was running away from problems too. That's why I came here with you. But I think...well, maybe you need to stop running. Face the music.” I winced. “Sorry.
Face the music.
That's something my mom's always saying. I can't believe I just said it.”

“Well, maybe your mom's right. But I don't think I can do it.” Ronnie stood up. “Thanks for everything, Theo.”

“Don't go.” I stood there, holding her child, while Ronnie turned and walked out the door.

Then I sank down into the armchair.

I'd failed.

Ronnie was still running away, looking for a city or a place or a person who would make everything okay—and I was going to have to explain it all to Max. I hoped I could persuade him not to pursue any kind of legal action, at least.

I had a feeling he wouldn't want to, once he had Zach safely home again.

I looked down at Zach. The apartment was hot. His hair was damp and sticking to his forehead, and his cheeks were flushed. I thought of Ronnie promising him she'd be a good mother, and I couldn't help wondering if her own mother had ever made that same promise. Whether she had or not, she'd done a lot of damage.

I knew Ronnie loved Zach, but sometimes love and good intentions just weren't enough. I didn't think she'd be able to fix anything if she couldn't stay in one place and face what was wrong.

Time passed. Half an hour. An hour. I wondered when Zach would wake up. I wondered when Max would arrive. I thought about my parents, and how things were going to be different from here on in, and—

A knock at the front door sent a jolt of adrenaline flooding through me.
Max.
I stood, carried Zach across the room and opened the door.

And there was Ronnie.

“You came back,” I said.

“I was waiting at the bus stop, and the bus came and, well, I just didn't get on it.” She lifted her chin and gave me a smile that just about broke my heart. It was so brave and so...well, so
Ronnie
. “You're right,” she said. “It's time to stop running.”

Acknowledgments

Many thanks to family and friends who helped me with this book, especially my writing buddy Alex Van Tol for great company and fabulous suggestions. Thanks also to Andrew Wooldridge and the wonderful Orca pod.

About the Author

Robin Stevenson is the author of more than a dozen books for children, teens and young adults.
Damage
is Robin's fourth book in the Orca Soundings series, following
Big Guy, In the Woods
and
Outback
. Her other novels for teens include the Governor General's Literary Award nominee
A Thousand Shades of Blue,
as well as
Inferno, Out of Order, Escape Velocity
and
Hummingbird Heart
. Robin lives in Victoria, BC. For more information, visit her website:
www.robinstevenson.com
.