Dark Secrets (77 page)

“
True. So, in that
case, I reserve the right to be an annoying cow, since you
were.”

“
Fine. But only ‘til
you turn eighteen.”

“
Deal.” I grinned, then,
It
growled.

“
Ha!” Mike poked my
belly; “The ogre! I see some things haven’t changed at
all.”

“
Nothing’s changed,
Mike—not really.”

His eyes narrowed,
boring into mine. “What’d you mean by that, Ar?”

“
Um—” I internally
slapped myself on the head with a novelty-sized baseball
bat.

Mike stopped for a
second, halfway between getting up and sitting back down, then
shook his head and pulled me off the bed. “Come on, let’s just feed
the beast.”

“
Okay. Then, later,
I’ll take you across to the school so you can meet my friends.” I
bounced on my toes a little.

“
Friends,
hey?”

“
Yup. I’ve made this
whole new life for myself, Mike. I'm, like, totally normal
now.”

“
You’ll never be
normal, Ara. You’ve always been—special.” That comment should’ve
been followed with the usual head-tilt-eye-wink-combo, but instead,
his gaze delved into mine. Golden brown eyes, like maple syrup,
creasing in the corners a little with his smile.

“
I hope you don’t
mean that in a derogatory sense,” I said.

He rolled his eyes,
groaning. “Come on, I need food—it’s past lunch time
already.”

“
Don’t have to tell
me twice.” I ran down the stairs ahead of him.

And everything was
just the same as before—before all the tragedy and the awkward
I-don’t-love-you-the-way-you-love-me stuff. I threw pieces of fruit
at Mike while he prepared food and we talked about old times,
movies, music, home, and it was easy—for a moment.

Mike, with the sleeves
of his dark-blue shirt rolled up, stood chopping onions and
coriander at the counter, looking so tall and so grown up that I
tried not to look at him—tried not to feel…anything.

But the strange
sensation in my body, flooding me with pulsing hot blood every time
he smiled, made me long to be in his arms.

Then, that confusing
pendulum of indecision kept changing things. I’d go back to square
one and think, no, Ara, what are you saying—you don’t want him to
love you, because that means Fate has decided you should let David
wander the earth, miserable, for eternity.

I felt kind of like
Sherlock Holmes, examining clues, pacing around in my own head; to
live or to love? That is the question.

But, if I had to spend
the rest of my human life with anyone other than David, the only
person I’d want would be Mike. So, I guess the question would be:
to live and love for all my life, or to kill and love
eternally?

I was beginning to
wonder why I got out of bed this year.

When the plates no
longer contained food and the last of the enthusiastic catch-up
wore down to more planned questions, Mike shook his head and
smiled. “Know what I found the other day?”

“
What?”

“
Remember that
picture we took at the golf course?”

“
The day you tried to
teach me how to play?” I started laughing, already replaying the
tragic ending to that day in my mind—tragic for the window of a
golf cart, that is.

“
Yeah.” Mike laughed.
“You were so much smaller then, and you still had that gap.” He
pointed to his front teeth.

I ran my tongue over
my gums. “I thought you said you didn’t look at any pictures of me
over the last few months?”

Mike looked down at
his hands, smiling under reddening cheeks. “Well, maybe a
few.”

I shook my head. “Then
how did you forget what I looked like?”

“
I guess I didn’t,
really. You’ve just...You know, you’ve grown up so much while we
were apart.”

“
Of course I have.
Did you think I’d stay a little girl forever?” Although, that was a
likely possibility.

“
I just never
expected time would change you so much while I wasn’t around to see
it. You’re—” he considered carefully, “—well, you’re a woman
now.”

“
A woman? Mike, I’m
seventeen. No older than when I left.” I laughed.

He shook his head.
“It’s not your age, it’s something…else. I don't know, maybe it’s
just that you’ve been through a lot. Guess it’s bound to leave its
mark.”

“
You mean
scar
.”

He reached across the
table for my hand; I reluctantly placed it in his. “I’m here now,
baby girl. I didn’t know how much I was missing you until I saw
you. Now it feels almost like my heart might tear out if I have to
leave you again.”

“
I’m sure you’ll
change your mind after two weeks with me. Then you can go back and
get on with your life,” I said, then laughed in an attempt to bring
nonchalance back into the room—since it suddenly got very
intense.

He nodded as he said,
“I’m beginning to rethink that.”

“
Rethink it? Rethink
what?”

“
I miss you, Ara—you
belong in my life, you always have. I… look…I have to tell you
something.” His shoulders lifted a little. “Please don’t get mad,
okay?”

“
Okay?” My limbs
tightened.

He looked down at our
hands for a second, then back at me with those caramel eyes, warmed
with a smile but infused with anxiety. “The truth is, I came here
to say goodbye. One final goodbye before I let you go for good. You
seemed to be getting on with your life, but, now I’m here, I can’t
do it.” He shrugged and one corner of his lip turned up. “So, I’m
going with plan B.”

“
What’s plan B? Hire
a time-machine for the week and change the past?”

“
Ar—” He gave that deep groan and intense stare he always gave
when I was being silly. “Baby, I… on the plane over here, I was
sitting next to two old ladies, and I was so stuck in this
cage
of uncertainty I
actually talked
their
ears off.”

Oh dear.

“
I don't know what
the best way to say this is, and I don't know when’s the right
time—so I'm just gonna come out with it.”

“
Wait. Don't say it
yet.”

He shook his head,
already decided. “Baby, I love you.”

My heart imploded; I
pulled myself together quickly, opting for Ignorance Road. “I know
you do, Mike, and I know you’ll always be my bestie.”

“
Yeah, but… that’s
not what I meant and you know it.”

I sat frozen, my lips
shaped to the word
Ah
! And then it all folded inward, tears streaming down my face
as it crumpled like I’d eaten a lemon.

“
You know, you’re not
supposed to cry when a guy says he loves you,” Mike
said.

I sobbed into my hand.
“Tell me you don't mean it.”

His upturned palm
appeared under my cave of asylum; I ignored it, looking away. “I do
mean it, baby. I… I want you to come home with me when I
go.”

“
No!” I shot up out
of my seat, hugging myself. “Don't say that. Don't say
that.”

“
Are you serious?” He
stood up, reaching.

I pointed a stern
finger toward him. “Take it back.”

“
What?
Why?”

“
Take it back!
Now!”

“
Baby, I can't take
it back.” He touched his chest. “It’s how I feel.”

“
No, no, uh-uh.” I
waved my hands around, blinded by tears. “Nope. Nup. You don't.
That’s not right.”

“
Ara?” He walked
toward me, primed to steady the crazy beast.

“
Don't come near me.”
I shoved him really hard and took a few steps back since he didn't
even shift an inch.

“
Okay. I can see
you’re a little upset, so, I'm gonna just—” He motioned to the
table. “I'm just gonna sit. Okay?”

I stood shaking,
breathing like a tired puppy.

As soon as Mike sunk
into the seat, he breathed out profanity and dropped his head
against his hand.

“
Please tell me you
don't mean it?” I could feel myself rocking back and forth. “Please
tell me you just feel bad for me because my mum died.”

“
That’s what you
think this is?” He stood up again. “A pity party?”

I nodded,
hopeful.

He went to reach for
me but stopped and swiped a hand across his nose. “Is that what you
want it to be?”

I folded over a
little, feeling myself die, breath by breath. “Please just take it
back, Mike. Please? I know you mean it but…please?”

“
Why?” His voice
broke.

“
It’s…I can't hear
that.”

“
Why?”

“
Because you don't
know what you’ve done.”

He took a quick stride
toward me and wrapped me in his arms. “Baby.”

I sobbed a snotty mess
of heartache into his shirt, making it wet, and he just held me
around my shoulders, almost delicately, as if he didn't have the
right to touch me.

“
I'm so sorry, baby.
I know it’s a—”

“
No.” I shook my
head. “Just stop talking. Don't make this any worse.”

“
It’s okay, baby.
It’s really okay.” He half laughed.

“
No, it’s not.
Nothing is—and it’s never going to be okay again.”

“
Why do you say
that?” he asked in a gentle tone.

“
Mum’s dead, Mike,
okay? And you can't make it better by telling me you love me. It
doesn't work like that.”

He laughed. “Even if
it could change the past, that isn’t something I’d lie about, baby.
Come on, you know me better than that.”

“
No.” I wiped the tears from my face with the back of my hand.
“You’re lying.”
You have to be
lying.

“
Ara?” Mike started
again.

No!
I took short, quick breaths. The breakdown that
had been looming all this time flitted to the surface. I held my
hands over my ears, shaking my head.

“
Will you just
listen?” he said.

“
No—please, Mike,
please don’t do this.” I felt Fate taking a step closer to me every
time he opened his mouth, swathing me in the cloth of mortality,
binding me to this dice I rolled.

“
Amara, calm down.” He pulled my hands away from my ears.
“Please listen. You never—that night—you never let me explain it to
you. We were trying to make the transition from childhood friends
to something so much more—something I was afraid
you
weren’t ready for.
God!” His arms tightened around my body, almost completely
consuming my shape in a snug cloud of safety. “I have
never
been able to
forgive myself for that.”

“
Forgive
yourself?
Mike! It was me—”

He pressed his thumb
over my lip to shush me. “No, it was
my
fault. I wanted you. I wanted you
so
damn
bad, but
I couldn’t do those things with you while you were drunk. It
would’ve been irresponsible of me.” He rolled my face upward until
our eyes met, keeping his thumb to my lips. “I wanted you to love
me, but not like that—not intoxicated, not when we hadn’t talked
about it. When I told you no, you got so upset, I just didn’t know
what to do—I let the ball drop.”

“
Why are you telling
me this now?” It came out as a whisper, perhaps less. “Why not
then?”

“
I chased after you,
Ara. I searched the streets for an hour. I called your house, no
one answered. Then—”

We both knew the
ending to that story.

He wiped the tears
from my face and kissed my brow.

I could feel my hands
shaking again as sensation came back into my limbs. “Why didn’t you
tell me before I left Perth then?”

“
I tried. You
wouldn’t see me, remember?”

“
Then why not on the
phone—after I left?”

“
Why? So you could
feel worse, or so I could feel worse? I couldn’t come to you, Ara.
It’s been killing me, I—” He dropped his head into his palm and
closed his eyes. “I can’t sleep anymore. I play it over in my mind
all the time—the things we should’ve done that night.”

“
Things
you
said no to.”

He clutched the base
of my jaw gently in his hand. “I know. But I just didn’t
want
you
to have
regrets in the morning. I knew I wouldn’t.”

I wanted to look away
from his penetrating stare, the way his eyes seemed to read mine.
But he held my chin and forced me to keep looking at
him.

“
I’d been watching
you for months,” he continued, “just waiting for you to realise how
I felt about you, and then, that night, you took me by surprise. I
didn’t know how to tell you what I really felt, and I was so afraid
if I did, and you were just confused because you’d been drinking,
that it’d ruin our friendship forever. It was just one stupid
misunderstanding and I lost you—for good.” Mike smoothed my
tear-soaked hair from my temples and along my chin. “Ara, I don’t
know why you’re so upset, baby. It’s not the end of the
world.”