Dark Secrets (93 page)

I shook my head. “You
know, Mum still said that all the time.”

“
Did she?” he said
absently, staring up blankly at the wall.

Poor Dad. With a soft
sigh, I walked over to sit on the chair beside him. “How long, Dad?
Before you stopped missing her when she left?”

He sniffed once and
folded his paper, smoothing it out on the table.
“Never.”

“
Never?”

He looked into my
eyes then. “I
never
stopped missing your mother. Sure, after about ten years or
so it got easier to bear, but I still miss her, even
now.”

“
Oh.” I looked out
the front window.

“
I did wrong by her,
Ara. I made one stupid mistake and I lost her. But when you love
someone, like I loved her, you will always miss them. I try not to
think of her if I can.”

“
But, you love Vicki,
right? Doesn’t that make it easier?”

He nodded
thoughtfully. “That’s the only reason I didn’t go back and beg your
mom to forgive me. I did love Vicki—
do
love Vicki, I mean,” he said with
a laugh. “But, I loved your mom, too.”

It hurt to hear him
speak of her in the past tense like that.

“
I don’t think you
ever truly get over losing someone you love. But, it gets easier
after time passes, and you can get through the days without missing
them so much,” he added, probably in response to my horrified
expression. He couldn’t know how much I was relating his story to
my own experiences with boys. He was the only person I could think
of that suffered a loss as great as mine. I needed to know if there
was a life after love—after true love. “Is this about David?” he
asked.

“
A little.” I smiled
at the table.

“
Ara, Mike loves you. He’s been trying to ask you to marry him
for the last year.” Dad cupped his hand over mine. “He was so
worried you’d turn him down that he almost asked me to ask
you
for
him.”

“
Really?”

“
Yes, honey. Look, I
know you love David, but you loved Mike first—and if you thought
you could move on from love once, then there’s a good chance you
can do it again, right?” He patted my hand.

He was right. It was
just going to take some time. But, of course I’d move
on—eventually. Nothing ever lasted forever, right? “See? That’s why
you’re a teacher, Dad. The all-knowing.” I waved my hands around in
the air, then stood up and kissed him on the cheek. “Love you,
Dad.”

“
Ara?”

I turned back to his
insistent tone. “Yeah?”

“
I uh…I need to talk
to you.”

“
Okay…” I sat back
down.

“
I received a call
today—from Ray Bougerstern.”

“
Dad!” I slammed my
palms on the table and stood up.

“
Ara. Sit back down.
We need to discuss this.”

“
Why now?” I felt the
blanket of fury wrap my shoulders. “Mike’s waiting for me to watch
a mo—”

“
And he’ll wait. You
can’t keep avoiding this. The insurance policy has cleared the
account. I need to know what you want me to do with the
money.”

My lip quivered as I
looked down at my feet. Blood money. The money a company paid out
because my mother no longer existed. A consolation. Condolences in
the form of green notes. “Keep it. Give it to Sam.”

“
Ara. Your mother
took that policy out so that you could take care of yourself if she
were no longer around.”

“
I can do that
without money, Dad!”

“
No, you can’t,” his
voice grumbled, peaking above anger. “She’s gone, Ara-Rose. She’s
not coming back, no matter what tortures you inflict on yourself.
No amount of your own suffering will change what happened.” He
reached for my hand; I kept it tight in the fold of my arms, biting
my lip. “Honey, just take the money. Use it to start your life. Use
it to—”

“
You’re not going to
let this go, are you?”

“
I’m sorry. I haven’t
wanted to bring it up again. I know it’s hard for you,
but—”

“
Just put it in a
trust fund,” I said finally. “Put it in a high interest account
until I turn eighteen or something.”

“
Thank you,” Dad said
with a nod.

“
I hope
you’re happy.” I spun on my heel and stormed away.

Chapter
Thirty-One

Something about the
lazy tone of the day made me edgy. Dad and Mike played chess in the
formal dining room, Vicki hung laundry on the clothesline, and Sam
stood talking to Mr Warner over the fence. My old companion, the
swing, rocked gently under me while I strummed my way through
months of painful memories, trying to find some sense in it
all.

My life had changed so
quickly; from being a normal teenager, going to school, practicing
for my big ballet recital, to losing my family, then my first true
love, all while discovering the existence of monsters.

Perhaps that was it.
Perhaps it wasn’t the calm quiet that had my gut churning. Perhaps
it was the monster called truth—the knowing in my heart that
tonight, on the last stroke of midnight, the part of me that
wouldn’t believe David was gone would turn, look up at the clock
tower on the chamber building and hope he’d tap me on the shoulder
and ask me to dance. But it was only a hope. Both
me
and
myself
knew he wouldn't
show.

Vicki looked over,
shaking her head. “Ara, dear, you should be inside doing your
makeup.”

I sighed, tuning my
guitar. “I don’t need makeup under a mask, Vicki.”

“
Of course you do.
It’ll—”

But I fazed her out,
strumming random chords while the representation of my confused
brain paced around in my head, calling himself Holmes. Nothing
really made sense anymore. When things happen in life, after time
passes, I could usually always see some reason, some lesson I
needed to learn from it. But losing my mum, moving here to meet my
first true love, then losing him, too, made no sense at all. It all
just seemed pointless.

I dropped my fingers
from their position on the strings, letting the song die without a
name. The whole world seemed pointless. But I couldn’t let my mind
wander that path; the trying-to-find-meanings-or-reasons-for-life
path. Every time I walked that road, I came to the same
conclusions, leaving that train of thought with nothing more than a
large suitcase of frustration. Perhaps we were here to love, or to
experience many trials—or maybe even to
feel
. I didn’t know. Pain was the
only one that even touched the reality of living. So, maybe the
meaning of life was to cram as much pain and heartache as we could
into the puny timeline of our miserable existence.

Satisfied with that
dismal conclusion, I started playing again, watching through the
window as Dad and Mike played chess. It was like looking across the
waters of reflection, reading the story of my life; two elements of
my past—from different worlds—coming together in battle. They moved
in slow motion; Mike rolling his head back, laughing at Dad’s witty
move; Dad coughing into his hand at Mike’s reaction. And it
occurred to me then, as I watched their hands meet in the offer of
peace, that this was it. That was my Dad and my
fiancé
. There would be no more boys
for me. Mike would be my first—and my last. A chapter of my life
had ended before it even began.

Perhaps that’s why my
dad liked Mike so much; he’d never have to worry about me ending up
with a loser—or alone. But that didn’t save me from eternal
loneliness.

Losing my soul to the
calm whisper of the breeze and the warm September sun, I hummed
softly, singing a few of the words to a song—one that made my soul
ache to hear, but to play, only seemed to bring clarity. “I wish I
could see you, but you went away; you left me defenceless, in the
cold and the rain. I found my way home, and the world was all
right, ‘til the darkness came, and took my knight.

“
When I look in the
mirror, the face that I see, wears the scars of her past well, but
she isn’t me. I lost myself somewhere, when I walked to the light.
For the darkness came and took my knight.”

The melody rang in my
ears, forcing a tiny, stinging tear to the corner of my eye. I
never cared much for the words before, but today, it seemed they
were written just for me.

By my foot, a grey
fluff-ball meowed, forcing his spine against my ankle. “Feel like
flying up into a tree, Skitz?” I joked with a weak smile as I
placed the guitar on the ground and let my heart sink down with
it.

The cat looked up at
me, his big, yellow eyes soft and round.

“
Okay.” I chuckled
lightly. “Maybe I like you a little.”

“
I should hope you
like me a lot—since you’re marrying me.”

“
Hey, Mike? Did you
win?”

“
Nah.” He placed his
hand down on the grass, the rest of his body sinking into it.
Skittles leaped onto his front paws, ready to run if Mike was a
threat, but then just closed his eyes, without re-adjusting his
position, and started purring. Mike laughed at him. “Your dad’s too
quick. He beat me twice.”

“
He never beat my
mum, you know? Not once,” I said.

“
Yeah? I didn’t know
that.”

I nodded.

“
You’re not upstairs
putting on your war paint?”

His soft tone provoked
my tears; I forced them back with a shrug. “It won’t take long once
I start.”

“
Hm.” He picked a
strand of grass and curled it around his finger.

“
What’s
hm
?”

“
Are you sure you
want to do this, baby? It’s not too late to change your
mind.”

“
Change my mind?
About what?”

Mike pushed up off the
ground, shuffling over to kneel in front of me. “You don’t have to
marry me. I’ll be okay if you say no.”

“
Why would you think
I don't want to marry you?”

A watery glaze
glimmered under the light of the sun in his eyes. “Since I asked
you, you haven’t been happy. Not really.”

“
I’m trying,
Mike.”

“
I
know. But is trying enough, Ara? Am
I
enough?” The pain in his words
came through with the firm clasp of his fingers around my hips.
Mike was scared—I could feel it. He had as much to lose here as I
did. I mean, was love enough for this relationship to work, when it
wasn’t enough for David and I?

“
I just need to get
away from here, I think, Mike.” My voice trembled. “I wanna go
home.”

“
Ara. Baby.” He
pulled the swing into him, wrapping me up in his arms. “That’s
fine. We’ll go. We’ll leave tomorrow, if you like?”

“
I would—but, I think
we better plan it properly first.” I flashed him a grin, which he
returned.

“
Oh, baby girl.
You’re gonna be so happy. I promise. I’ll buy you a house and give
you everything you want.” He squeezed me way too tight, forcing me
to hold my breath against the base of his jaw. “I love you so
much.”

“
I love you too,
Mike.”

And that was the
truth. It felt good. Normal.

I knew I
should
be with
Mike,
should
go
home to Perth—and everything would be right again in the
world.

The quiet whispers of
my family lilted up the stairs, carrying my mind back from the hold
of a masked stranger’s gaze. Her blue eyes stared out at me from a
place and time I no longer belonged. She was the lie after the
truth, hiding behind this beauty in a blue dress. And I couldn’t
stand the sight of her.

Somewhere, at some
point, I’d split in two. The innocent, dream-believing girl that
tragedy left behind disappeared when David ran away with my heart.
I was
his
picture
of beauty, created
by
him,
for
him, but I’d never feel his cool fingers under the ribbon of
my corset, holding me close as we twirled in our graceful, eternal
dance. All that was left was the other half of me—the shell. And
I’d dusted enough shimmer powder over my skin that I could almost
disguise myself as a sparkly vampire. No one could see the depths
of my darkness underneath. Except Mike. He knew there was something
different—that something had changed. But I bet he never even
conceived of the idea that my depression went so deep the fear they
all had that I’d top myself was slowly creeping into possibility.
I’d overheard him tell my dad he was worried—that I might be
depressed. My dad just said it wasn’t a possibility; it was a fact,
and all we could do was just be here for me. But the ever-watchful
eye of my fiancé was getting overbearing. When he came to my room
earlier, I called him to enter, completely ignorant to the fact
that, while I was standing by my mirror, trying to re-pierce my
ear, I was only wearing my underwear and bra.