Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need (16 page)

We are definitely talking about a warm and friendly nation here. This nation is so friendly that the leading cause of injury is getting passionately embraced by strangers. One time we were at a restaurant near Rome eating a medium-sized Italian lunch consisting of enough pasta to feed Lithuania for six months, and we happened to mention that the wine tasted good. So the restaurant owner insisted that everybody in our party
had
to go see his wine cellar, which involved climbing down a set of steep rickety
stairs into the kind of dark, dank, spider-infested basement that you often see in horror movies, wherein some doomed character goes slowly down the stairs while dramatic music plays in the background and the theater audience is shouting, “DON’T GO DOWN THERE, YOU FOOL!” because they know there’s a lunatic lurking in the darkness with a machete and an industrial staple gun. This basement was like that, only it was occupied by something even more dangerous than a homicidal maniac, namely, numerous barrels of wine, which the restaurant owner insisted that we had to drink many samples from, and quite frankly we wonder how we got out of there. In fact some members of our party may still be down there with the spiders, and we urge you to stop in and see them (the spiders) during normal visiting hours.

Speaking of normal visiting hours, Italy doesn’t have any, as far as we can tell. Nothing is ever open when it’s supposed to be open or closed when it’s supposed to be closed, nor does it cost what it’s supposed to cost. Also, the buses never seem to go where they’re supposed to go. We realize we’re making a sweeping generalization here, but as Giraldus Cambrensis so eloquently put it in
Topographia Hibernica
, “tough shit.” Nevertheless we urge you to spend some time in this country, although as a precautionary measure you should lose a couple of hundred pounds first.

The major city is of course
Rome
, which got its name from the fact that the
Romans
used to live there before the Fall of the Roman Empire. Their
mother
warned them that this would happen. “If you leave your empire there, it’s going to fall!” she said, but unfortunately they did not understand English.

Nevertheless, the Romans built many
large broken objects
that you should definitely see, such as the
Renaissance
, the
Piles of Seemingly Random Dirty Stones
, and the
Colosseum
, which was the site of
Super Bowl I
. You must also visit
Vatican City
, where you may see the famous
Sistine Chapel
, which the famous
Anthony L. “Michael” Angelo
had to paint—Believe It or Not!—while
lying on his back
, because due to a
contractor error
the Sistine Chapel is only 18 inches high, so
comfortable clothes
are recommended. The Vatican is also the home of the
Pope
, who, if you pound very hard on his door, will be happy to come out and entertain the kids by twisting balloons into
hilarious animal shapes
. Elsewhere in Italy is the lovely city of
Venice
, which each year attracts
millions of visitors
despite the fact that it is basically an
enormous open sewer;
and
Florence
, home of one of Michael Angelo’s most famous works, the
Leaning Tower of Pisa
. Southern Italy is the site of the incredible village of
Pompeii
, which nearly 2,000 years ago was buried under
tons of volcanic ash
and is therefore
invisible
. We don’t know why we even brought it
up
.

To the best of our knowledge these are not European nations. These are minor characters in William Shakespeare’s famous play
Hamlet II: The Next Day
, featuring the famous “shower scene” wherein the immortal bard displays his rollicking wit at its best:

LIECHTENSTEIN
: What, dost thine flaxon augur vepnel sound?

   Nor capsuled repwell florgin haren’t ground!

LUXEMBOURG
: Ha ha!

See “Denmark.”

Poland has experienced a tremendous amount of history due to the fact that it has no natural defensible borders, which makes it very easy to conquer. Many times the other nations didn’t even mean to invade Poland; one night they’d simply forget to set the parking brakes on their tanks, and they’d wake up the next morning to discover that, whoosh, they had conquered Poland.

But thanks to advances in international law such as the speed bump, Poland is now a totally independent nation, and it has managed to greatly improve its lifestyle thanks to the introduction of modern Western conveniences such as food. Today Poland proudly boasts the nickname “The North Dakota of Europe,” and is well worth a visit if you happen to be in the neighborhood for some reason, such as your plane has crashed.

They have some really sharp tractors.

Portugal is a small but, we are sure, proud nation located somewhere in Europe and boasting a history. During the Age of Exploration, Portugal produced many great navigators, men such as Vasco da Gama (literally, “Vasco the Gama”), who set out across the vast, stormy Atlantic Ocean in tiny ships, which of course immediately sank like stones, thus paving the way for the Age of Remaining on Land. Today the main industry in Portugal is manufacturing the famous Portuguese man-of-war, which is a type of jellyfish that can sting you to death if provoked, so tipping is strongly recommended.

At one time Spain was one of the world’s great powers, although under the leadership of General Francisco Franco (1578-1983) the nation gradually declined into total insignificance. There is no need, however, for you to rub this in. Be gracious, is our advice. For example, in a
restaurant you might exclaim: “This food is certainly delicious! Especially considering that Spain is now a fourth-rate power!” Your hosts are sure to appreciate your thoughtfulness, and may even insist that you join in one of Spain’s most glorious traditions: Getting Run Over by Bulls. This extremely exciting event, wherein live irate bulls are set loose in public streets, was originally held during the Festival of St. Raoul of the Fishes (October 8), but it has become so popular that in heavily touristed areas the bulls are released several times a day, sometimes in hotel lobbies. Wear comfortable shoes.

See “Norway.”

When we think of Switzerland, the picturesque image that springs into our minds is that of men standing on top of Alps wearing comical shorts and making sounds that can only result from a major hormonal imbalance. But Switzerland is
also famous for its tidiness. It makes some of the other tidy nations, such as Germany and Austria, look like giant septic tanks. Switzerland has an extremely strict Neatness Code. If you appear in public with your hair mussed up, or armpit stains on your shirt, the famous Swiss Neatness Police will suck you up with a giant vacuum cleaner and put you in a jail cell infested with sanitary laboratory rats. You would probably rot in there, but Switzerland doesn’t even permit
bacteria
.

You should open a
Swiss bank account
, because (a) you get a
toaster
and (b) you never have to pay
income taxes
again. The Internal Revenue Service has no jurisdiction in Switzerland. When you fill out your tax return, you just write,
“Ha ha
, I have a Swiss bank account and just TRY TO GET IT, YOU
SUCKERS!”
and all the IRS can do is gnash its
teeth
. You can trust us when we tell you this. We’re a
guidebook
.