Dear Lover (9 page)

18

Sexually and in everyday life, when your lover can feel your energy and skillfully guide you to deeper and more passionate flow, your body relaxes. You can trust him, and surrender to the depth of his loving command. When he seems unable to feel you, then you naturally withdraw your trust, take control, and do your best to lead yourself.

It’s sexy to receive your man’s love-capacity feeling and moving with your energy, taking you to more thrilling highs of pleasure and profound depths of surrender; just so, he finds your energetic responsiveness to be sexy. In fact, most men find nothing sexier than a woman’s responsiveness.

In sexual embrace with your trusted lover, does your entire body ripple open when his fingertip grazes your nipple? Do you openly weep when he
offers you his love? Does your heart respond in devotional worship when he offers you his deep consciousness and presence?

Few men are worthy of your total trust, but if you
were
with a trustable man would you be able to offer your body wide open, surrendering open beyond the edges of the universe, offering him more of your awesome pleasure than he has ever had the blessing to behold?

You will attract and inspire a man who can take you open into bliss as deeply as you can offer him your heart’s bliss to take through the love-responsiveness of your body. The greatest asset of sexiness you can offer a deep man is your heart’s energy rippling out through your body, through the way you move your hips, show your breasts, moan your pleasure, and writhe your surrender.

A young rigid woman, closed down and energetically dead, is far less sexy than an older woman who offers her heart-open pleasure in surges of abandoned moans and undulating sensuality, whose devotional eyes and mouth and vagina and legs move and open as unquenchable yearning, whose trust is total, who gives her man her deepest heart and every ounce of her own pleasure as a gift for him to feel, worship, and behold—such a woman is agelessly sexy. She is grounded in her heart and generous with love’s offering.

Besides your heart’s pleasure, your heart’s pain is also a gift, if given through an open body and heart. You can imagine what it feels like to be with your man as he looks deep into your eyes, sits tall and strong, feels into your heart, and without averting his gaze, he begins crying. Feeling a man so vulnerable in his strength is incredibly sexy. Likewise, when you allow your emotions to be seen and felt fully through your body, face, and sound, your man feels your responsive aliveness and yearning, your openness to be moved by love’s energy.

But there is a big difference between
accumulating
your emotions—eventually expressing them in a toxic dump of tense build-up—and being able
to
spontaneously express
every nuance of emotion as the flow opens through you. Spontaneous emotional expression, from your deep heart through your open body and relaxed breath with no closure or tension, is a natural expression of love—even if love is expressed as sorrow, anger, or fear.

With practice, you can learn to offer your pleasure, pain, and emotions spontaneously and
responsively
as soon as they occur, letting go of them instantly, always with your heart open and connecting with your lover’s heart, even as your pleasure, pain, and emotions flow. The moment you close your eyes, tense your belly or jaw, turn away, restrain your breath, or collapse in a ball on the floor, you are no longer opening but closing. Emotional flow now becomes pent-up energy, and sharing this accumulated, undigested emotional mass with your lover doesn’t allow him to feel your heart’s open yearning.

A weeping and open woman is very sexy; a weeping and closed woman is not.

You can learn to stay open while all of your emotions flow. Even when anger is flowing, you can learn to remain in eye contact with your lover. You can practice breathing with him, feeling his heart, feeling his love for you and your love for him. You can practice relaxing your body open, offering him your vulnerable heart’s pain and yearning even while you are yelling and shouting.

All emotions can and do flow when your heart is open and connected with your lover’s heart. This openness is sexy, even if it is also angry, or sad, or afraid. You simply offer your emotions through the openness of your body and heart as they ripple through you. No residue remains. You may scream in rage one moment and then open to be taken sexually in the next moment.

With practice, you can express your emotions from your deepest heart through your open body in spontaneous response to everything, both seen and unseen. Like the weather, your emotions are too huge and
complex, their influences too numerous and untraceable, to be mentally understandable. You don’t have to know
why
you feel whatever you are feeling in order to open and express your heart’s deep yearning.

A key to deepening intimacy is to keep your heart’s yearning open and connected with your lover while your emotions move through you. If you are afraid to express yourself, then you will accumulate pent-up emotions inside.

For instance, if your man is not fully present with you, then your heart will feel hurt. If you don’t allow this hurt to be expressed fully and spontaneously from your open heart—as tears or cries of pain—then this emotional energy becomes frustrated behind your suppression and transforms into anger. Your
primary emotion,
in this case, is hurt. Your
secondary emotion
is anger, built by the suppression of your hurt.

You can let loose the secondary emotion—anger—for your own sake, just to release tension and let go of stress. You can shout and bang on a pillow, for instance. But your man will find your secondary emotion unworkable and not particularly inviting. To him, your secondary emotional energy will feel like vestigial tension from the past. And your primary emotion—hurt, in this case—will remain unexpressed. Your man won’t be able to feel your heart’s genuine yearning.

One key to cultivating a deep relationship is to always express your deepest yearning through the primary emotion that emerges from your open heart. Express your deepest heart immediately and spontaneously through your open and relaxed body, before suppressing it and allowing a secondary emotion to build up inside.

Offer your man the spontaneous and responsive music of your yearning heart, which is expressed through your primary emotion. Your primary emotion may be anger, hurt, sadness, fear, grief, or any energy emerging from your heart’s deepest longing. Old hurts may also flush out, but everything is offered from the deepest place of love’s yearning that you can occupy.

How will your man respond to the spontaneous expression of your heart’s primary emotion? Lesser men will try to silence you through domination or try to calm you down so you can talk about your feelings. But a deep man will fully inhabit your heart’s music. His deep inhabitance will serve to open your heart, and your primary emotion will express fully with no residue.

Give yourself and your man some time to change gears from your old ways of relating. Give your man a chance to learn how to open with your deeper heart’s expression. It takes practice and courage to risk opening your hearts together as your primary emotions flow.

When your heart’s yearning is open and connected with your lover’s heart, you may scream and then relax and laugh. You may cry and then smile, feeling your man’s loving presence. Your primary emotions will continue to cycle and flow, but you won’t suppress yourself even for a moment, and so no secondary emotions will have a chance to build up inside of you.

You won’t find yourself “needing to talk about something” with your man too often, because moment by moment your heart is expressing everything, while also yearning more deeply open in response to being claimed. Knowing you won’t have to explain your feelings allows you to relax in deeper and fuller expression.

Your claimed heart is unafraid to offer your spontaneous emotional music. You do not fear loss of love or disapproval, nor do you think that you are weak for enjoying your man’s claim of your heart. Your heart is inhabited by your man’s unflinching presence, and therefore your heart can spontaneously sing or wail or weep—while opening in devotion to the love that fills you so fully.

19

The masculine lives in a domain of goals and schedules, righteousness and injustice, success and failure. He probably can’t feel the subtle energetic messages that you give him until your energy is quite loud. You might be angry for three days before he notices and asks, “Is something wrong?” Likewise, in bed, your pleasure may be invisible to him as he wonders, “Did you come?”

The masculine is not sensitive to the very energy that is your most obvious environment. Therefore, you may need to exaggerate your responses if you want your man to take your heart into account. Don’t fake your feelings. Fully embody and exaggeratedly magnify your heart’s true response for the sake of your man’s “deafness” and “blindness” compared to your sensitivity.

When your heart is thrilled with the depth and integrity your man is offering, then show him. Loudly. Overtly. Wrap yourself around him as you make orgasmic sounds of pleasure. Tell him that you worship his integrity. Actually say, “I worship the depth of your consciousness. I worship your depth of heart. I love your integrity.”

On the other hand, when your man is off, when his integrity disintegrates behind his false pursuits and narrow blindness, let him know equally loudly. Yell and scream. Weep and tremble. Show your disgust as
if acting on a stage to an audience of thousands. Magnify your displeasure as well as your pleasure, and your man will notice.

Although lesser men will run or turn away—you’d be better off without them anyway—a deep man will respond to your worship or wrath with instantaneous correction of action. Your worship of his integrity draws him deeper into love, opening him to feel deep into your heart’s intuition and wisdom, encouraging him and empowering his commitment to love’s depth. Your wrath in response to his occasional self-deception or numb ambiguity will be a slap on his face, awakening him to an emergency situation of which he was probably unaware, giving him the opportunity to take urgent measures instead of blindly bumbling on.

Without your exaggerated heart-responsiveness, your man will tend to lose touch with everything but his own agenda. He may be able to maintain a relationship with you, but his consciousness tends to become shallowed in the pursuit of paths and points of completion. His life becomes flat. Your heart’s fully offered energy—wrathful or devotional—awakens and deepens your man’s heart into a domain of otherwise inaccessible sensitivity.

Remember that your heart’s expressions don’t always need to be squeezed into words of sensible reason. Sometimes it is better to give your man a chance to feel your heart-responsive energy without trying to mentally figure out the content through your words. You may not be able to exactly explain your feelings, anyway. You may want to give him a chance to feel and penetrate your flow with his loving presence so he can come to know your deepest heart as his. Then, even your heart’s inexplicable and unfathomable wisdom can fine-tune his life’s offering—as long as you magnify your responses enough so he notices!

20

Some women confuse openness with a sense of feeling good. But you can be open and still feel great pain or the full range of emotional music. You can be angry, sad, or even afraid and still be open. You can want to kill your man and still be open. Openness is a trust of what you are feeling—this trust is love. Whatever you feel, you can love your own emotions as well as your man’s—and beyond.

With practice, your heart trusts open, loving your shells, your emotions, and whatever energy moves through you and your man, no matter how bad you feel. When you can open in trust then you are alive as love, even when love flows as the energy of anger, sadness, or fear. To allow you and your man to grow into deeper love and trust, you can randomly practice five key exercises daily, especially during emotionally intense moments:

Suppose that your lover insults you, then ignores you. You are hurt and begin to fume inside. He looks away from you, or you close your eyes.

Instead, maintain eye contact. Even if you are upset, look directly into your man’s eyes. If you look deeply enough into his heart, you will feel the part of him that you love, even if you are in a moment of hate.

Actually look into your man’s eyes and feel his deep strength, integrity, and his love for you. Perhaps you can only see a speck of his strength and integrity amidst a whole lot of muck, but keep feeling into this speck. Do your best to love the muck, and then love deeper into his heart, feeling his
love for you, even if most of him seems repulsed. He has chosen you; he is with you; deep down you can feel where he still loves you, right now. Gaze into his deepest heart, and offer him your deepest heart through your open eyes.

When you constrict your breath then you block your emotional energy. If you breathe fully, then your energy can flow fully. If you can feel your man’s energy
while
you breathe fully, then his energy can flow fully
with
you. If you contract your breath, then you won’t be able to feel your man or yourself fully. Your heart will remain isolated behind your suppressed breath.

So, offer the possibility of energetic connection by breathing open with your man. First, do your best to love you and your man just as you are, relaxing your breath more open. Then, feel your man’s breath, matching your breath with his. Allow yourself to feel what your man is feeling, breathing how your man is breathing. Breathe together while gazing into each other’s eyes, even if you both feel like strangling each other.

Practice to open your heart in love and trust by breathing your man in and out. Breathe his love and his stupidity, his strength and his blindness, his sweetness and his anger. Breathe all the qualities of your man in and out, and open so you can breathe
with
him as one breathing two-bodied being of love.

Relaxing doesn’t mean going limp. To relax means to open so the currents of love and emotional energy can flow through your body unimpeded. You can relax and shout and jump up and down. You can relax and whimper and wail. When you relax, love eases your rigid muscles so that all energies can move freely through you.

Your softest parts are most important to open while you are flowing with emotion. Your lips and tongue, your throat, your heart, your whole belly, your genitals—all the soft parts in the center and front of your body are the main avenues—or roadblocks—to the flow of your energy.

If your belly is tight, then your anger will stay stuffed, only to erupt later in toxic release or self-abuse. If your heart is closed, your emotions will ricochet destructively, lashing inwardly or outwardly without love. If your jaw is clenched, then your head and body become disconnected, and energy will accumulate as tension in your shoulders and pound in your skull.

But if you love your body, if you open your belly, heart, and throat, if your face and genitals ease open and relax, then your emotions can flow freely through you. Your body can be moved by your heart’s true yearning and the spontaneous flow of your deepest emotional energy—you will be danced by your heart’s deepest love and energy.

Perhaps your dance will flow with grief or spite or terror. You can love whatever is flowing through you. If you do not clamp down and stop the flow, your energy will emerge from your deepest heart spontaneously, expressing your heart’s open yearning, and then the next wave of yearning and energy will emerge through your body as love’s free flow.

While gazing into your lover’s eyes, breathing with him, and relaxing your body to be danced open by love’s yearning and energy, also feel into your lover’s heart. From your heart, extend your feelers into his heart. Reach into his heart from yours, and open your heart to receive his heart’s love.

This is very difficult in the midst of emotional intensity. If your man is shouting at you, or you are hating your man, then your heart will try to disconnect from him to protect itself. You must intentionally extend your heart-feelers into your lover’s heart in moments like these. Intense emotion is no excuse for a disconnected heart. If you want deep intimacy,
you must practice connecting your deep heart directly to his, even when feeling his heart is the last thing you want to do.

These are the most critical moments: when you are hurting each other, will you practice loving your hurt, loving his hurt, and softening open so you can offer your heart even more deeply, feeling into his
deepest
heart while opening to receive his heart-feelers?

If you cannot practice feeling his deepest heart from yours, then you are practicing some degree of separation. You are denying the deepest yearning of your heart.

You are refusing to yearn open as the fullness of divine love—you are disabling even the possibility of deep connection with your lover. These are the moments when the most is gained from practicing to stay open.

No matter how callous or unpresent your man is being, practice loving and accepting yourself and your lover just as you are, feeling everything you are feeling, and then
open your heart to extend your feelers into his deepest heart.

Feel your lover’s deepest heart from yours. You can do this while shouting and screaming. You can do this while breaking dishes on the floor or crying your eyes out. No matter how your energy flows or how he turns away, you can practice loving the waves of emotional energy that move through both of you while opening your heart to feel his.

While you maintain the previous practices—staying in eye contact, breathing together, relaxing your body open, and feeling your lover’s deepest heart from yours—you can practice trusting the spontaneous emotional expression emerging from your heart. Just allow your body to do what it does, as long as you are lovingly relaxing open and maintaining feeling-contact with your lover through eyes, breath, and heart.

Allow your body to be danced by the full and untamed flow of your emotional force and your heart’s tender yearning. If anger moves through
you, then love your anger, vulnerably allowing every part of you to move with anger—your toes and fingers, your belly and vagina, your legs and ears—while staying feelingly connected with your lover.

If you want, you can use words to express the flow of energy that moves through you. But often, your yearning heart is most fully expressed through whole-body, non-verbal offerings. Open as anger and show your hurt through sounds, facial expressions, and whole-body gestures. Allow your body to be spontaneously danced by love’s deepest energy.

By learning to stay open with your lover, even while he is rejecting you and you are ready to tear his head off, your hearts are available to touch, serving each other to open in deeper expression and communion. His heart’s persistent loving pervades your drama of opening and closing. Your heart’s devotion provides an ever-welcoming home for your man’s fearful coming and going.

Over time, all excuses to stay closed evaporate in love’s openness. Then, you can truly extend your heart’s yearning beyond self-love, through the two-bodied form of devotional openness, and to all beings, without your shells—or his—holding you back.

By learning to love your shells and your lover’s, and then loving through your shells to connect fully with your lover’s deepest heart, you begin to learn how to feel the deepest heart of all beings, breathing the joy and suffering of all beings, opening as the love that lives and yearns at everyone’s heart.