Dear Tabitha (38 page)

Present

Age 25

Dear Tabitha,

(Dictated by Sara, Age 6)

I lost my first tooth last night! The Tooth Fairy came and gave me TEN WHOLE DOLLARS!!! Can you believe it? Nona says that it’s special when you lose your first tooth. The Tooth Fairy has extra prizes saved for those special times. I’m going to put it in my piggy bank. I’m saving my money so I can come visit you someday.

Nona says that when we find you, I can see you as much as I want. So I need a lot of dollars to do that. Good thing I have a lot of teeth!

Love,

Sara

Tears streak my face as I read and re-read the letter they found in Tabby’s pocket. I hold the crumpled picture that was folded inside the envelope and smooth it out as best as I can. Dried blood and some gravel from the street are stuck to it. I stare at Sara’s smiling face, obviously showing off the wide gap in her bottom row of teeth.

Her smile is infectious and I’m overcome with my own emotions. I want to see her smile again. I want
Tabby
to be able to see her smile again.

I take out my phone to look at the last text that Tabby sent to me, just a few hours ago. I’ve been impulsively checking my text messages, hoping and praying that there is another one after her last. I know that’s never going to happen and I choke back more sobs.

On my way home. Need to get Sara’s ugly sweater and then it’s party time.

I saw Carly today and we talked about everything. She told me that she saw you with Emily and that you were wonderful. She also said that she noticed something. Your eyes. My God, they’re her eyes. Emily’s.

I love you, Alex. So much. xx

I slip my phone into my pocket, careful not to delete her messages. I will never need a paternity test to know that Emily is mine. I just wish I could to tell Tabby that I understand why she did what she did. We were both in a different time and place, and given the chance, maybe she would do things differently, but I support her decision.

I wish I could tell her again that I forgive her. Completely.

That I love her. Forever.

My chest clenches and I drop my head into my hands. I want so much to hold her in my arms and never let her go. How could this happen to her? To us? My God, what will happen to Sara? This is everything that Tabby feared and more. Why did this happen?

This world is so fucking cruel. Fate is evil and sick. This is a sick fucking joke, right? “Please, let this be a dream,” I whisper into my hands, to no one. But it’s not. It’s so very real and bile rises into my throat.

I don’t know how long I’ve sat like this when I feel a light touch on my shoulder.

“Alex?” Kirsten says quietly.

I don’t want to look up at her. I can’t bear to look into her eyes and hear what she’s about to tell me.

“No, Kirsten. Don’t say it,” I beg her. I can’t bear to hear the words or look at her face. She’s in just as much pain as I am right now.

She takes my hand in hers and forces me to stand. She doesn’t make eye contact. She just pulls me down the long, sterile hallway. Tears blur my vision as she opens the double doors at the end of the hall.

“Alex, look,” she urges and I hear her sobbing. I can’t bring myself to look, and I close my eyes tighter as more tears spill down my cheeks.

That’s when I hear it.

Beep. Beep.

Beep. Beep.

Beep. Beep.

My heart begins to race, and I let go of Kirsten’s hand, open my eyes, and I see her.

“I don’t understand,” I whisper as I swipe my hand over my face, trying to clear my vision.

“She’s alive, Alex. She made it through surgery.” Kirsten sniffles.

Beep. Beep.

Beep. Beep.

Beep. Beep.

It’s the sound of a strong heartbeat. Tabs.

I rush to the hospital bed and take it all in. Her beautiful face is bruised and swollen, almost unrecognizable. An oxygen mask covers her nose and mouth, and bandages protect her head. I sit in the chair next to the bed and reach out for her hand, holding it between both of mine. I can’t believe she’s really alive.

“Tabs,” I say as I lean toward her ear. “Oh my God. Thank God. Tabs.” My voice trails off as I gingerly place my head on the pillow next to hers. “I love you. I love you. I love you,” I say over and over again.

“The doctor said she may not wake up for a while. They had to drain blood and fluid from her skull,” Kirsten says as I cringe listening to her description. “They also removed her spleen, but you don’t need one of those, right?” She chuckles.

I find myself laughing, too, and realize that I’m still scared shitless.

“He said they were able to drain all of the fluid before it put any pressure on her brain, so they are optimistic that she’s going to fully recover,” Kirsten continues when I stop laughing. “They were also able to stop all of her internal bleeding when they removed her spleen.”

I move one of my hands and lightly touch her bruised, puffy cheek. “I’m here, Tabs. I’m here. Rest so you can come back to me. And to Sara.” I kiss her lightly and close my eyes. Relief floods through me in waves. “She’s going to be okay,” is the mantra that I repeat silently in my head.

“I’m going to go get Sara. She needs to see that Tabby’s alive,” Kirsten states.

“No! She can’t see her like this. Tabby wouldn’t want her to. Let’s at least wait until she wakes up, okay?” I’m adamant. Sara can’t see Tabby unconscious and unresponsive. She just lost her grandmother, and in her young mind, sickness leads to death. Tabby looks helpless lying here in this hospital bed, and I don’t want Sara to see any of this.

“You have a point,” Kirsten agrees. “Okay, I’m going to stay with her tonight. I’ll pick her up from Dottie’s and bring her back to Tabby’s apartment. She should be someplace familiar and comfortable.”

I nod as she leans over Tabby.

“Get some rest, honey. You have a very active and happy little girl waiting at home for you that wants to trick-or-treat tomorrow. Okay?” she says as she places a soft kiss on Tabby’s forehead.

She then looks up at me. “Call me in an hour. I’ll get Sara settled, and then I want you to talk to her. She needs to hear from more than one person that her mother is going to be okay.”

I’m amazed at how level-headed Kirsten is being throughout all of this when I’ve been a blubbering mess. Fuck. I thought I lost her. I thought I’d never be able to hold her again.

“Sure, I’ll do whatever you think will help Sara. I agree, she needs to know that Tabs is going to be fine. Maybe if she hears it from me, she won’t worry as much,” I say as my eyes scan Tabby’s face. I want to kiss away all of the bruises and dried blood.

“Hey,” Kirsten says as I look up to meet her eyes. “She’s going to be fine. Remember that, okay? The doctor said that her injuries look much worse than they really are. She’s going to be just fine.” She squeezes my hand, smiles, and walks toward the doors. “Get some rest,” she says as she exits the room.

I look back at Tabby’s face and notice that beyond all of the swelling, the scar on her cheek is barely noticeable anymore. I don’t know if it’s because of the dried blood or if the scar has faded more than I realized.

I think about everything that she’s been through in her past and realize that she doesn’t deserve to feel pain or sadness ever again. I touch her matted hair and vow to build the perfect life with her. With Sara. Damnit, she’s earned her chance at the happily ever after that she always thought was so far beyond her reach.

I recline the chair that I’m sitting in, pull my jacket over my chest, and use it as a makeshift blanket. I face her, gently placing my hand over hers. She seems to be resting comfortably, and as long as I hear the steady beeping of the monitors, I feel good. I’m not going anywhere tonight. Not ever again.

Beep. Beep.

Beep. Beep.

Beep. Beep.

My heart beats in unison with hers as she slowly begins to heal.

I close my eyes and silently promise her the world. My heart. All of me.

Present

Age 25

Dear Tabitha,

(Dictated by Sara, Age 7)

I’m so excited! Nona said that she thinks she knows where you live. She even wrote you a letter. I can’t wait to see you. She told me that you’re going to be so happy to finally meet me that you might cry. But that’s okay.

I cried happy tears when I met Ariel at Disney. She thought it was sweet. Don’t worry, I’ll hug your tears away when I meet you. It will be soon!

Love,

Sara

Tears stream down my face as I finish reading the last letter that Marta helped Sara write. The picture enclosed is her first grade school picture. She is smiling and standing against a Fall backdrop. It’s just so amazing to see these incredible pictures and be given the chance to live through these moments.

She’s at the bakery with Kirsten right now. I think about our friends and how I’m so incredibly thankful for them. Kirsten comes by every single day to do something fun with Sara. Dottie has also been helping out since I came home from the hospital. Not only are they here for me, but they are helping Sara plant some roots here in Philly. To give her a family.

I’m still bruised and sore, but I am mostly recovered. Thank God the city bus was already slowing down to pick up passengers on the corner. Most of my injuries from my fall came when my head hit the edge of the curb. That’s what caused the swelling and fluid to build in my brain. The doctors think that my spleen ruptured when the bumper from the bus rammed into me from the side. I’m incredibly lucky, in more ways than one.

I wince as I get up to place Sara’s final letter in the keepsake box that Marta sent along with all of the letters. I close the box. Resting my hands on the lid I quietly say, “Thank you, Marta. Thank you for giving her back to me.” I wipe the tears from my face and slowly make my way back over to my couch. I also have an envelope full of legal documents that came from Marta’s lawyer. I haven’t read through all of them, but they outline several large trust funds and properties that now all belong to Sara. Tens of millions of dollars worth of bank accounts and real estate. She’s the only heir to the Constantino fortune. It’s uncomfortable to think about where all of this money came from, but I can’t dwell on it now. It will cover all of her education needs and that’s what’s important to me. She doesn’t need to be exposed to the extravagance that this type of money can provide. When she’s old enough, I’ll find financial advisors for her that will help her manage this responsibly. In the meantime, these documents will stay tucked away for safe keeping.