Deep Surrendering: Episode Nine (2 page)

“That sounds fine,” he said, and I agreed that I could make time in my schedule to come over and help. Dad protested at first, but I shot him down. I was going to help with this, dammit.

It was a relief to get back in my classes and think about something that didn’t involve me for a while. But then classes ended and it was time to go home. I texted Chloe and asked if she wanted to have dinner, but she didn’t answer back right away. Huh. Guess she was busy.

So I headed back to my apartment and made myself some dinner from leftovers I had in the fridge. It was a sad meal and was made sadder by my quiet phone. I was used to Fin not being able to communicate, but for some reason, today it was really bothering me.

Not sure what else to do with myself, I got out some homework and put on a romantic comedy. Then I changed my mind and put on a stupid reality show marathon. I didn’t want to watch a movie about happy people falling in love and everything working out.

My own love story was (so far) complicated and twisted and confusing. I wouldn’t change Fin for the world, but . . . I didn’t know how much I could take. What if it took a long time for him to get free of his father? And really, would he ever be free of him? I mean, not unless his father died, and I didn’t think patricide was a good solution.

I wished I had a timeline. That Fin would give me a ballpark of when he could come home. Or at least let me in on some of his plans.

I finished my sad meal and sat on the couch and was sad. I hated feeling this way. Chloe wasn’t answering her phone, it was too late to feed the ducks, and I didn’t have any wine in the house. The homework helped a little, but not enough.

So I went to my bathroom, lit some candles, and filled the bathtub. A good soak could do wonders.

I put a pillow under my neck to support my head and lay back in the warm water. Starting with my feet, I relaxed each part of my body and breathed deep. Or I started to, and then got distracted by my stupid thoughts. And then my phone rang. I’d set it on the sink just in case, and I nearly broke my neck stumbling out of the slippery bathtub to get to it. I answered without seeing who was calling.

“Hey babe,” Chloe said, and I couldn’t help feeling disappointed she wasn’t Fin.

“Hey,” I said, panting a little. “Where have you been?”

“Ugh, this stupid fucking training session. They’re forcing all the managers in the state to do trust falls and shit like that to somehow teach us how to deal with employees who won’t stop checking Facebook during working hours.” That explained it. I realized I was dripping all over the floor and grabbed a towel to wrap around myself.

“That sucks. So, have you had dinner yet?”

“No, I’m fucking starving. I haven’t been able to curse all day, so I have to fulfill my quota for the day.”

I laughed. “Well, I already ate, but if you want to come over we could order something. Or you could have some leftovers from the other day.”

I didn’t have a whole lot to offer in the food department. I really needed to stock up and head to the store. I’d been a little too preoccupied with other things to go grocery shopping. My house was also a wreck. I’d been neglecting my domestic duties. Even though I lived alone, I still liked to have my house nice, and I didn’t have a cleaner coming in once a week like Fin did.

“That sounds great. I’ll be over in a half hour?”

“Sounds good.” I hung up, and I went to put some clothes on and mop up my bathroom floor.

“Feed me something, please,” Chloe said when she crashed through the door. She was still in her work uniform: khakis and a polo shirt with the spa’s logo on it. It wasn’t the most flattering thing to wear, and Chloe hated it with the passion of a thousand suns.

“I’ve got some cheese and crackers and some fruit,” I said. I’d set out a plate with the cheese and crackers in preparation. She attacked the plate with both hands.

“Whoa, what the hell? Have you not eaten for a week?” I asked as she shoveled food into her mouth.

She shook her head and swallowed. “No. They were just serving wheatgrass shit and vegan crap, and I can’t bring myself to eat that. I mean, what did cheese ever do to anyone? And butter. How can those people live without butter?”

“No idea. Butter is the best.”

“I know, right?” She finished off the plate of crackers and then crashed on my couch. “Anyway, enough of my bitching. How’s everything going with you?”

Where to start?

“Oh, well, things are moving forward with Mom. Dad and I are interviewing potential nurses tomorrow, so that’s on track to being under control. And, um, Fin called last night.” I wasn’t going to tell her about Sapphire. There wasn’t an easy way to explain her without telling her about Fin’s . . . tastes in the bedroom, and I didn’t want to share that with anyone. It was too intimate to share, even with Chlo.

“How’s everything going with him?”

“I don’t exactly know. But good, I guess. No news is good news, right?” I really hoped that was true in this case.

“Absolutely. Do you have any idea when he’s coming back?”

I shook my head and she made a sympathetic face.

“That’s sucks, babe. I’m sorry. I can’t imagine how hard it must be to do the long-distance thing. I couldn’t date anyone who lived outside the city. I mean, what would be the point?” That made me laugh. “Not that I really want to date anyone right now. I’m not sure if dating is really, you know, for me. I mean, everyone is different.”

I didn’t believe that, but I kept my mouth shut. I’d be wary of dating too if I’d had such a horrible experience with an ex as she had. I tried not to even think about what I’d do if this thing with Fin somehow ended. I couldn’t comprehend that.

“Well, I wouldn’t write off dating just yet. You never know. Your perfect woman could be out there right now.”

I went to the window and pulled back the curtain. The lights from my neighbors’ houses sparkled, and the streetlights cast an orange glow over the sidewalk and the road. I loved the city at night. It was so romantic and warm.

“Yeah, I’m not going to hold my breath. I don’t think there’s someone for everyone. I mean, that whole theory just doesn’t make any sense when you think about it.”

She did have a point. A very unromantic point. And sure, maybe there wasn’t someone for everyone. But it was kind of a depressing way to live.

Ugh, I didn’t want to talk about love and romance at the moment. I’d rather talk about something else. Anything else.

“So, what would you like to order?” I asked by way of changing the subject.

“Food,” she said.

“So then they say ‘falling’ and the catchers say ‘fall away!’ I have no idea how it’s supposed to actually, you know, build trust. Because I don’t trust those bitches, and no trust fall is going to help with that,” Chloe said as she dug into a container of noodles. We’d ordered Chinese and Greek, and I was having a second dinner. For some reason Chloe talking about food so much had made me hungry again. Plus, stuffing my face gave me something to do other than thinking about Fin and my mom.

“It sounds ridiculous. Isn’t that something they do at camp when you’re a kid?” I’d never gotten to go to camp. My mom thought it was too common or something. Or camps were dirty. I had no idea, but I never got to go and I always wanted to. It was one of those things I’d carried with me to adulthood that I still resented my parents for. Stupid, but there you go.

“Yeah, I had to do it at camp. It sucked ass then and it sucked ass today. Plus, there were a ton of people who were like, really into it, and I just wanted to smack the trust right off their happy faces.” How Chloe lasted as long as she had at that job, I had no idea.

She sighed, put her fork down, and set the empty box on the coffee table.

“But it’s a job, and they do cut me a lot of slack. Every now and then I go a little crazy and end up bitching out a nasty customer or someone I work with, and they sort of just shake their heads and roll their eyes. I have no idea why they like me so much except that I actually give a shit and get stuff done.” That was true. Chloe did get stuff done. She might hate her job, but she wasn’t a slacker, and when she wasn’t cursing out fellow employees or customers, she worked hard.

“Hey, it’s not easy to find a job right now. I’m just relieved I don’t have to worry about it for a little bit longer.” If the economy kept sucking, I was going to stay in school for as long as I could. Unless, of course, I had an actual job lined up, and that could be hard to find. There were a hell of a lot of unemployed educators and not enough schools to employ them. Not to mention budget cuts.

“Okay, enough work talk. Let’s talk about . . .” She trailed off, as if she was asking me for a subject.

“Ummm,” I said, struggling to come up with something.

Chloe snapped her fingers. “Cake. We can talk about cake. I could talk about cake forever.” True story. So we talked about cake until we both really wanted cake. I found a box of mix in my cupboards, and we ended up making it at nine at night.

“I should get home,” she said after we consumed about half of the cake. I was so full I thought I was going to burst.

I didn’t want her to leave because then I’d be alone with only my thoughts for company. But I couldn’t ask her to stay. I couldn’t admit how much I didn’t want to be alone. So I told her goodbye, she thanked me for the food, and I sat on my couch with yet another piece of cake.

I woke the next morning still on the couch. Fortunately I’d set the plate of half-eaten cake on the coffee table or else I might have been wearing it. My entire body was sore, I felt like shit, and I hadn’t even had anything to drink.

“Fuck,” I said as I got to my feet. That was the last time I spent the night on the couch. That thing was not made to sleep on.

I headed to the shower and turned on the water as hot as it would go, hoping it would help me feel human again. I had the interviews with the nurses today, so I was missing my afternoon classes. I’d emailed my professors a sob story, and they’d been completely fine with it. That was the upside of being a good student. When you needed to get out of class, they were more than happy to let you.

I ate cake for breakfast and checked my phone. Nothing from Fin. I wished I could at least get a text message from him. Just something, anything, to let me know how he was doing. I hoped he wasn’t upset about the whole Sapphire thing, but he hadn’t seemed upset when I talked with him. Maybe I was just being paranoid. Yeah, I was probably just being paranoid.