Deep Surrendering: Episode Nine (7 page)

“We’re going to get so fat, but it’s so worth it. When Harmony did all that shit, I gained fifteen pounds.” I didn’t remember that, but I could imagine. Some people stopped eating when they went through trauma. It seemed that I just wanted to eat more.

“Thank you,” I said as she walked me back to my apartment. I didn’t know what was going to happen when she left me, but I had class the next day and she had to work. She couldn’t be my breakup coach forever. I had to do this on my own.

“Anytime. I need to pay you back for all those times when you picked my ass up off the floor after Harmony. I really put you through the wringer, but you were there for every second of it. I don’t know if I ever thanked you,” she said as we headed upstairs to my place. I could already feel the extra food I’d consumed in the past few days going to my thighs.

“There’s no such thing as payback where best friends are concerned. We’re even no matter what,” I said.

We reached my door and she gave me another hug. “I love you, Mari. I want you to call me if you need anything. Anything, you understand? I don’t care if it’s three in the morning, I will wake my ass up. Oh, and if it happens to be during working hours, that would be great.” I laughed. Chloe would take any reason to get out of work she could get.

I hugged her back and she smacked a kiss on my cheek. “Thank you, Chlo. You’re the absolute best.”

She gave me a little wave before she headed down the stairs, and I unlocked my door. The first thing I saw when I walked in was all the stuff from Fin’s package. Shit. I should have put that away. The sight of it sent me off again, only this time I was pissed. Guess I’d moved to the anger stage. I was really moving fast here.

For a moment I wanted to throw all the stuff on the floor, set it on fire, or toss it off the roof. But then I’d regret it. These were the last things Fin had given me. They were the keepsakes I’d look at to remind me of my great love. I knew I probably wouldn’t feel like this about someone else. I’d always be comparing him to Fin, and that wasn’t fair to another man. I’d just resent him for what he wasn’t.

Or maybe I was selling myself short. I wasn’t in the best frame of mind to make those sort of decisions about my future.

I looked at each of the things. Smelled the lilac oil. I dabbed it on my wrists. Yes, it reminded me of Fin, but it also reminded me of my grandmother first. And nothing could ruin the memories I had of her. Not even Fin.

I looked at all the things and considered reading the letter again, but it was too painful and it would just set me off. So I put the things back in the box and folded the letter on top. I took them to my linen closet and put them on a high shelf so I wouldn’t see them unless I really looked.

There weren’t a whole lot of traces of Fin in my apartment, but that didn’t matter. He was still here. He was everywhere, in everything. I’d have to burn down the city to get rid of him, and I didn’t think even that would work.

The only upside of him being on the other side of the world was not running into him at the bar, or the office, or even on the street. He wasn’t here, so it would (hopefully) be easier to let go of him and move on.

My apartment was too quiet, so I turned on some music. Of course the first song on the radio was one that had played the first night I met Fin at the bar.

“Seriously?” I yelled at the radio before turning it off and deciding to watch TV instead. First thing on? Sleepless in fucking Seattle.

“You have got to be kidding me,” I said, changing the channel. I didn’t care what I watched as long as it wasn’t that. I’d watch golf if I had to. I didn’t have any association with Fin and golf.

I clicked around until I found a home improvement show. I turned the volume up for background noise and tried to sit still, but I couldn’t. I wanted to cry or throw something. Pacing around made me crazy, so I decided to clean my apartment. Sure, it was nine at night and I could have done homework or a million other things, but cleaning was good. It was mindless and physical. Just what I needed.

By one in the morning, my place was cleaner than it had been when I moved in. I’d gotten grief from my neighbors for running the vacuum at midnight, but I gave exactly zero fucks.

I set down the bottle of cleaner and paper towels. My body was so tired I wanted to lay my head down on the counter and sleep like that. Instead, I stumbled to my bedroom and collapsed on the bed.

The next morning I woke up with what felt like the worst hangover in the history of hangovers. My head hurt so much I thought it was going to split wide open. I could barely open my eyes since they were so puffy. Chloe had told me to put some teabags or ice on them, but I hadn’t listened. I’d been too busy in my cleaning frenzy. I could still smell the lemon from all the cleaner I’d used last night.

“Mother fuck,” I said, and just the act of talking made my head hurt worse, if that was possible. There was no way I could rally in time to get to class.

I lay in bed for what felt like hours, willing myself to get vertical so I could go get some food or coffee or something. It took three tries, but I finally did it and fumbled my way to the kitchen. Coffee. I needed coffee first.

I filled my newly-clean coffeemaker and got it going before searching in the bread box. I found a Danish in the back I’d forgotten about. I checked the expiration date, and I had another day, so it was still good.

I checked my phone and found a good morning message from Chloe. Nothing from Fin, of course. I wondered if he would when he got my letter. I didn’t send him anything with the letter. I hadn’t even thought about it. Maybe I should have.

Oh my God, I still had the key to his apartment. And a ton of my stuff was there. Oh God. I had to get my stuff.

The thought of going to Fin’s made me want to throw up the coffee I’d just sipped. I couldn’t do that today. No way. I wasn’t strong enough yet.

I lay on the couch for the rest of the day wearing comfy clothes I put on when I was sick. Guess this was another kind of sickness. Chloe texted me throughout the day asking how I was. I messaged her back and thanked her. I made sure to call Dad and check on everything at home. He said Mom had smacked Glenna.

“Did she quit?” I asked.

“No, that’s the thing. She just sort of smiled and didn’t say a word.”

Wow. Guess that woman was tougher than I gave her credit for.

“Well, I hope it doesn’t happen again.”

Dad chuckled. “I don’t think so. You should have seen the look on your mother’s face. I don’t think she realized she’d hit her until after it happened. Your mother isn’t a physical woman.” No, she fought with her sharp tongue and words. So much worse than physical violence sometimes.

“How are you, Marisol? You sound a little down today.” Dad had caught on to my depressed tone. I’d tried to hide it, but I guess I didn’t do a very good job.

“Oh, nothing. Nothing you need to worry about.” I didn’t want to tell him about Fin. Not yet. Not until I could say it without breaking down and crying. “Just tired today.”

“Uh huh. You can talk to me, you know. We haven’t always had the greatest of relationships, and I know that. Your mother and I used to talk about it a lot. She always carried so much guilt about it.”

Wait, what? I thought she didn’t give a shit. Or that she was angry at me for not being the daughter she thought I should be.

“I didn’t know that,” I said quietly. I was already so emotional, so this was putting me really close to the edge again.

“Anyway. You can talk to me anytime. Okay?”

“Okay. Listen, Dad, I’ve got to go to class.”

We said goodbye and I hung up before I started to cry again. I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths, trying to calm myself. Good. I didn’t want to cry again. I’d done that enough already.

I took another shower, staying in so long the hot water ran out and I was left wet and shivering under the spray.

I was losing it. Slowly now, but I was definitely losing it. I didn’t know what to do. How to stop it. How to make all this go away. I got so cold that I had to get out of the shower. I wrapped myself in a towel and curled into a ball on the couch again.

I needed to get out. To do something. To not fall into this dark pit I was staring into. I was awake, but all I could see was darkness. It took everything in me, but I got up, dried my hair, and put on some clothes.

And I took my ass to Fin’s apartment to get my stuff.

I tried not to make eye contact with the people at the front desk when I walked in, but one of the gentlemen smiled at me and tipped his hat. I nodded back. I couldn’t muster a smile for anyone. It was too much effort not to cry.

The elevator ride up to Fin’s place was both too long and too short. I walked to the door slowly and stood in front of it for ages. The key was in my hand, but I couldn’t put it in the lock. I looked down and found that my hands were shaking.

This was a bad idea, but I couldn’t turn back. I’d made it this far. I needed to get some of my clothes and things out of the apartment. It was going to take a few more trips before I got everything that was mine.

I knew I could call Carl and have him come help me, but I just . . . couldn’t. Then someone else would see me like this. I didn’t want any more people to see me like this.

Finally, I put my shaky hand up to the lock and turned the key.

Yup. This was a mistake. I’d underestimated the effect this was going to have on me.

Everything was exactly the same, of course. The place hadn’t changed. This was Fin’s sanctuary, and I knew he liked to keep it the same.

The smell. Oh, it smelled like him. I inhaled a shaky breath and took a step forward.

It took quite a while for me to get all the way into the apartment. I walked around slowly, looking at everything. Touching, memorizing. I wouldn’t be coming back here, except to get my things. I couldn’t say goodbye to Fin in person, but I could say goodbye this way.

I spent a long time looking at his books. The tears came again, but I let them fall. Let them come. Getting an idea, I took out my phone and started taking pictures. Nothing special, just a few shots here and there. I wanted to remember this, even if it hurt.

And it did hurt. Like a knife to the gut.

I made my way to the kitchen and opened the fridge. I threw away most of the food that was perishable and put the boxes and things in a grocery bag to take home with me. I didn’t think Fin would mind if I took some things home. I didn’t want to leave any trace of me here for him. I wanted to wipe away my existence from this place.