Deep Surrendering: Episode Nine (8 page)

I went room to room, taking pictures and gathering my things. Pretty soon I had a pile. I was going to need a cab to take me home.

The bedroom was last. I had so many clothes here that it was a wonder I had anything to wear at home. There was a suitcase in Fin’s closet amongst his suits and shirts and ties.

I’d decided I was only going to take my own things, but I snagged one of his purple ties and wound it around my wrist. I was taking that.

One last time, I lay in his bed. It was made, so I tried not to disturb it much. I turned on the enchanted chandelier and lay my head back. A few tears fell onto the pillow.

The last thing I did was smooth the bed again then I grabbed the suitcase and the bags of groceries.

“Goodbye, Fin,” I said as I locked the door.

The next few days were hard, but I expected that. I just didn’t expect how hard they would be. I missed Fin. I missed the excitement I had when he called. I didn’t have that to look forward to anymore and I underestimated the effect it would have on me.

I spent as much time as I could out of my apartment and around other people, including Chloe and my parents. I never thought my childhood home would be a refuge.

I struck up a somewhat strange friendship with Glenna. Despite her grandmotherly exterior, she was actually kind of a badass. Before she’d been a nurse for older people, she’d traveled all around the world nursing in third world countries and all sorts of places. She had the best stories and I was almost jealous of all the traveling she’d done.

“Have you gotten to travel at all?” she asked me one afternoon as we sipped tea during Mom’s nap. The medication she was on made her so sleepy and her body clock was all off.

“Not really. I thought about it when I was younger, but I was always in school. Now I’m still in school, and I haven’t really considered it.” Fin’s travels had made me a little jealous, and I’d had a fantasy that I hop on a plane and join him wherever he was as a surprise. But I didn’t have a whole lot of cash and I came up with a million excuses. I should have. I should have gone and seen him. Maybe that might have made a difference? But maybe not. I’d never know now.

“There’s no time like the present. You’re still so young, Marisol. You could see the world if you wanted to.”

I set my tea down and thought about that. No, I couldn’t.

“I don’t know.”

“Oh, come on,” she said. “Where would you go, if you could go anywhere right now?”

“Italy,” I said, and too late, realized that was exactly where Fin was. But I’d always wanted to go to Italy. Venice, specifically. I wanted to ride in a gondola and see the city that floated. Plus, I’d heard it was sinking, so I wanted to see it before anything happened to it.

“Italy is beautiful. Full of ruins and history and beautiful countryside. You should go. When is your next break from school?” The next break I had was in October, and it was only for a few days. I went to school year-round so I could fit in all my classes. I also didn’t know what to do with myself when I wasn’t in school.

“Oh, I don’t know. It sounds crazy,” I said. But honestly, the more I thought about it, the more I thought it didn’t sound that crazy. It sounded wonderful. Getting away from everything and being in a new place where all I had to think about was drinking wine and which historical site to visit? Sign me up.

“You’re smiling. So not that crazy,” Glenna said, a grin spreading across her face. I still hadn’t gotten used to seeing her tiny teeth.

“I guess not. But I wouldn’t even know where to start.” I’d never planned a trip like that. Events, sure. But not travel with plane tickets and a hotel and so forth.

“Oh, that’s easy. I can help you if you want. You’ve got a passport, right?”

“Yup. It’s all up to date.” I’d gotten it renewed a few years ago when I’d still thought I might go out of the country, or maybe for a weekend with the girls to Canada, but that had never happened.

“Okay then. Let’s plan you a trip to Italy.” With that, she grabbed Dad’s laptop and started planning my vacation.

I was going to Italy. I’d broken up with Fin, but I was going to Italy.

“You’re going to Italy?” Chloe said the next day when we ate dinner. She’d been spending a lot of time with me lately, and I was so grateful for her.

“Apparently. I should blame Glenna, but I definitely didn’t stop her from doing it. I don’t know. I just feel like I need to do something new. Something different.”

Chloe started laughing.

“What?” I asked.

“Nothing. I was just remembering when I went through that phase after my breakup. I think I just dyed my hair a new color, and considered, for about five seconds, going out with a guy.”

I choked on the piece of chicken I’d been eating. “You? You’re the most lesbian lesbian I’ve ever known.” Not that I’d known a whole lot of lesbians.

“I know. That’s what a breakup does to you. Makes you do crazy things. I almost got a tattoo but then decided not to,” she said as I took a swallow of water to clear my throat.

“Yeah, I don’t think I’m into that.” Tattoos just weren’t my thing.

“So you’re going to Italy by yourself. Maybe you’ll meet a sexy Italian man and have a fling with him. Or maybe you’ll buy a house and move there, like that chick in that movie.”

“Under the Tuscan Sun,” I said. I’d forgotten about that movie. The woman had gone on a trip to Italy after a divorce and ended up buying a house. I didn’t think I was ready to go to that extreme. Besides, I didn’t have the money for a house. Not even close.

“Yeah, that’s it. You should totally buy a house in Italy. Then I can come stay with you and we can have a vineyard and get drunk on our own wine.”

I laughed. That sounded like a nice idea in theory.

Especially the drunk part.

“But you’re good?” Chloe asked. She’d been asking me that several times a day since I’d told her about Fin.

“I guess. I really need to go back to his place and get the rest of my stuff.” I hadn’t been able to do that yet.

“I could go, if you want. Or I’d go with you.” That was an idea. But I didn’t think Fin would like someone else in his house that he didn’t know.

I shook my head. “No, it’s fine. I just need to suck it up and do it. I took most of my things already, but I couldn’t do it all in one trip.”

Chloe reached out across the table and grabbed my hand. “You know I’m here for you, right? That I’d do anything to help you?”

“Yeah, I do. You’re the best friend I could have asked for. I love you.” Now I wanted to cry for a different reason.

She squeezed my hand. “Love you too, Mari. So much. So much that I basically want to get on a plane and find Fin and have words.”

I laughed. “You don’t have to. It was a mutual thing. He didn’t do anything wrong. It just didn’t work out. That happens.” It happened every single day.

“I don’t care if it was mutual. My best friend is sad and upset, and I get to be mad at the person who made her that way.”

I wiped my tears and fished a tissue out of my purse to blow my nose.

“I just stopped crying and now you’ve got me started again,” I said.

“It’s going to be okay. You’re going to get through this,” she said.

“I know. It’s just hard to see the end when you’re stuck in the middle.”

“Ain’t that the truth?”

Weeks passed and I didn’t hear from Fin. It was definitely over. I went back to his place one more time to get the last of my things, but I only cried a little. My trip to Italy was booked and I bought new luggage for it. My focus had turned back to school and Mom, and I was doing better than I thought I would be doing in the wake of ending things with Fin.

I still loved him. Still wanted to hear his voice on the other end of the phone. I would sometimes scroll through the pictures I’d taken of his apartment and remember the times spent there.

The hurt didn’t go away. Sometimes I’d wake up in the middle of the night feeling like I couldn’t breathe. Every now and then I would see someone tall with dark hair in a suit and think it was Fin. I couldn’t stop my heart from jumping at the thought of seeing him.

So many times, I typed out a text message to send to him, but deleted it before I sent it. So many times. I had to let him go. We had to let each other go.

On the nights that things felt hopeless, I wrote him letters. Long letters. I put them in a box when I was done. I didn’t go back and read them. They soon became more like a diary than anything else. I told Fin everything. Mundane things. Stupid things.

I spent time with Chloe and Glenna, but I didn’t tell my other friends about my breakup. I still hadn’t told my parents, but Dad figured it out anyway.

I was surprised to get a call from Rory, asking if I wanted to attend her company ball. I’d never been invited before, but I’d always wanted to go. Her dad was president, her mother organized the whole shindig, and the stories I’d heard were spectacular. They did a theme and it was always at a lavish place.

It sounded like fun, so I said I’d go. Even if I didn’t have a date, I could hang out with Sloane and Chloe and Rory. The ultimate girls’ night. With ball gowns.

“So, um, I know I just asked you, but Sloane is already working on a dress for you,” she said. “The theme is black and white, so you’ll be dressed accordingly. Hope that’s okay.” It was more than okay. I’d wear anything Sloane put me in. She would never dress me to look bad.

“That’s great. You know I’ve always wanted to go. But I thought you were only allowed to have one guest?” That was the reason I’d never been invited before. Rory’s parents usually made her go with a date they’d set her up with.

“Well, I can’t really bring who I want to bring since it’s verboten, so I figured out a way to get you in. I’m sneaky like that.”

I laughed. Rory was just really good at getting what she wanted. “How’s everything going with your ginger prince?”

She giggled and that told me all I needed to know. Things were going very well for her. I didn’t say anything about Fin. I trusted Rory, but I was afraid it would get out and then everyone would know. Not that I cared what anyone thought, I just didn’t want anyone asking me about it or giving me sympathetic looks.

“He’s good. We’re good. Gooder than good. See? I’m making up words.” I asked her more about her relationship to distract her from asking about Fin.

“Listen, I have to go, but I’m really excited about the ball. I’ll text you all the details, and I think Sloane will probably be calling you to come in for a fitting.” I was excited to see what she’d designed. It had been a while since I’d worn a really pretty dress. Hopefully I could use it again for some of my other events as I had a bunch coming up. The holiday season was all about the charity galas.