Deeper (13 page)

“Kris,
you aren’t listening to me! You were willing to give up on not just your dream
but your friend’s dreams too just because the guy that holds your ticket out of
this hell hole said you can’t bring your girlfriend along. I’m not going to be
the reason that all of this goes away. You need to go out on your own and not
be distracted from what you’ve been working for. I won’t let it happen.” She
stopped and took a shaking breath. With tears in her eyes, she said, “I’m
breaking up with you, Kris.”

I
stood and put my hands on her shoulders, gripping a bit harder than I should
have.

“No.
You aren’t doing this. You’re not breaking up with me. You love me, I know you
do.”

“I
do love you,” she cried, “and that’s why I’m ending this now before things get
worse.”

“Jess,
don’t do this,” I pleaded.

She
shrugged out of my grip and backed away from me.

“Look,
don’t make this any harder than it needs to be. My mind is made up and I’m not
going to change it so don’t bother trying. It’s better this way.”

I
felt like I was in a fucking nightmare; this couldn’t be real. How could the
only girl I’ve ever loved-my best friend in the world-tell me that she was
dumping me to go off and chase my dreams and leave her behind? This had to be a
sick fucking joke. I felt like my whole world had just been ripped apart.

“Why?”
I asked again, not knowing what else to say.

“Because
I love you too much to hold you back.” With one final glance at me, she turned
and ran out of the apartment and slammed the door before I could even blink.

I
ran after her and flung the door open so hard that it slammed against the wall
and I heard something fall and break. At that point I didn’t fucking care what
it was…I had to get to her and try to make sense of what the fuck just happened.

“JESS!”
I screamed as I ran down the steps after her. I could see her about to make it
out the front door of the building and I wasn’t about to let her go that
easily. I didn’t care if I looked like some lovesick pussy…who the fuck was I
kidding? That’s exactly what I was.

She
kept running and once she reached the door she busted through without so much
as a glance back at me. I ran outside, hoping to catch her, but once I got out
to the street I could see her getting into some cheap cab and yelling at the
driver to go faster.

I
stood there on the sidewalk and watched her moving farther and farther from me
and I felt like my feet were rooted to the spot. It wasn’t until I hear Beau
yelling my name from the window upstairs that I finally moved and shuffled back
up the stairs, completely stunned.

“What
the hell was that about?” Ryder asked as I walked back into the apartment. He
was walking out of his room with his duffel bag on his arm.

Still
in shock, I leaned against the wall and said, “Jess just dumped me.”

Jude
huffed out a laugh.

“Yeah
right, sure she did. And I woke up this morning and decided I like guys.”

“It’s
not a fucking joke, Jude! She just fucking broke up with me because she said
she ‘loves me too much to hold me back’!” I shouted, mocking her words before
picking up the closest thing I could find and throwing it with force against
the wall.

“Whoa,
calm down man! Jess seriously dumped you? Why the fuck would she do that?”

Picking
up my bag and angrily throwing it over my shoulder, I snapped, “I don’t fucking
know.”

My
heart was completely broken. I was devastated. We heard honking coming from
outside and it sounded like the van; Alan was waiting outside to take us to the
airport. I couldn’t leave Jess behind but I also couldn’t let my friends down.
I was forced into a no win situation and in that moment, I almost hated her.
This was supposed to be one of the happiest days of my life and now because of
her shitty timing, I couldn’t imagine my life any shittier.

I
had no idea that my life was about to get a hell of a lot fucking worse.

Jessie

Three
Months Later

The
last three months without Kris had been the worst of my life. Not only had I
pushed him away for his own good, but after he left I’d also gotten the biggest
shock of my life and it was definitely more than I’d ever bargained for.

I
was pregnant.

After
the guys had left for New York City, I had spent most of my days locked in my
room and crying my eyes out. I slept all the time and when I was awake I was
sobbing into my pillow and holding it like I wanted to hold Kris. I had barely
eaten and only forced down food so that I could stay alive, if that’s what I
was these days. However, on the morning when I finally decided to get out of
bed, an instant wave of nausea hit me and I immediately knew something wasn’t
right. How could I have been nauseous when I hadn’t eaten a thing?

Even
though I wasn’t a doctor, I knew my body and already knew I was pregnant long
before I took the test. When I bought it at a convenience store, I immediately
ducked into the bathroom and took the test. Within minutes there were two lines
in the results window and as I watched the two solid pink lines get darker and
darker, I’d never felt more alone in my life. I’d always dreamed of having a
family someday with Kris, but I always imagined us finding out we were pregnant
together and it being a happy occasion. Peeing on a cheap stick in a dirty
bathroom all alone was as far from my dream as I could have imagined.

Even
though I wanted to call Kris and tell him about the baby with everything in me,
I had immediately decided that I was never going to tell him. The whole point
of me breaking things off with him was for him to get out of this town, life an
amazing life, and never look back. If he knew that I was pregnant, he’d drop
everything and come back here and want to be with me again and I couldn’t let
that happen. He and the guys had worked so hard for where they were and where
they were going and this would ruin all of that.

February
came quickly and I was barely starting to show. I knew I had to get my own
apartment soon because as soon as Crystal found out I was pregnant I was out
anyway, so I needed to have a safe place to bring my baby home from the
hospital when it was born. I’d picked up any extra hours that Tiffany was
willing to give me and most nights I came home from work so tired and sick that
I looked and felt like a zombie.

On
Valentine’s Day, I’d begged to work a double so I wouldn’t be alone with my
thoughts. The last thing I needed to be reminded of on the most romantic day of
the year was how I was five months pregnant and all alone. I’d worked open to
close that day and by the time my shift was over, my entire body was one big
ache. With all the extra hours I was working and my near constant nausea from
the pregnancy I felt like walking death. Knowing I was going to have to drudge
my way to the apartment after waiting in the cold for the bus and walking most
of the way after that made me want to find the closest hole and crawl into it.

It
had been almost four months since I broke things off with Kris and every day
since then has been worse than the day before. I was aching without him from
deep inside places I didn’t know even existed. He’d claimed me from the moment
we met and without him I felt so empty and lost. I had to remind myself daily
that cutting the ties that were binding him here was the right thing to do, no
matter how lost and alone I was.

I
wondered what he was doing at that moment. Was he happy? Was he sad? Was he
thinking of me or had he already moved on? I desperately wanted to reach out to
him but I was afraid of the answers to those questions, and that I was going to
have to answer a few of my own if he saw the rapidly growing bump sticking out
between my hips.

I
knew it was wrong to keep the pregnancy a secret from him, but I also knew he
deserved better than being stuck in a slum in Cincinnati tied down to a kid he
never planned for and a baby mama he was stuck with. I couldn’t let him lose
what he’d worked for, what he dreamed of. I knew if he ever found out that he
would hate me for sure, but as long as it kept him out of this hell hole and in
the sun where he belonged, I was okay with being the bad guy. I loved him
enough to let him hate me.

After
what seemed like the longest bus ride ever, I finally had made it back to the
apartment complex. As I was walking toward the parking lot, I groaned and
choked back my rampant nausea when I saw Crystal’s beat up Pinto in the usual
spot. I was really hoping that she would be gone today but I guess luck wasn’t
on my side. I chuckled bitterly to myself and thought,
when was luck ever on
my side
?

I
slowly climbed the stairs to our front door and made sure to cover my baby bump
as I hesitantly walked inside. Crystal was sitting on the sofa with a cigarette
in her hand and some cheesy soap opera on in the background.

She
narrowed her eyes at me. “What the hell are you doing home so goddamned early?”
she spat out, flicking the ashes in the closest tray.

“I’m
not early, I’m later than usual. I worked a double,” I answered meekly.

She
rolled her eyes and took a long drag off her cigarette and blew the putrid
smoke out through her dry, cracked lips.

“So,
where’s your little drummer boy?” Crystal asked, her eyes cold and focused on
me.

A
shiver of fear shot down my spine. In all my life, the only time Crystal’s eyes
were ever clear was when she was dangerously sober or high on something
hardcore. All of those times I’d received some pretty bad beatings.

“I
told you he’s gone,” I said quietly. “He’s been gone for a while. His band got
signed.”

She
scoffed and let out a shrill laugh as she put out her cigarette in the tray.

“So,
your big bad protector isn’t here to save your pathetic ass anymore, huh?
Better get used to being alone, girl, because now that he’s off being some rock
star and probably has his dick in any pussy shoved at him, he’s going to forget
all about your trashy ass.”

I
usually never let things she said really get to me, but Crystal had just voiced
every fear I had since Kris left home. I was pregnant with his child and he was
out living the life he’d always dreamed of. Even though he didn’t know about
the baby, it still hurt to think that he might be with some girl right now
because I’d purposely pushed him away. I felt angry tears starting to burn my
eyes.

“I
won’t be alone,” I snapped back, knowing that no matter what happened I’d still
have the baby to care for.

She
snickered and said, “You really think he’s going to come back to this shit hole
and sweep you away? Wake up, Jessica! You were born trash, and you’re always
going to be trash! You will never mean shit to anyone and you’d better realize
it now!”

I
wiped my tears away angrily as I ran to my bedroom and slammed the door shut,
making sure to lock it behind me. I couldn’t take this; I was pregnant with a
child that I already loved yet had no idea how I would provide for. Kris was
gone, off living the life he so deserved, and Crystal’s verbal abuse had gone
into full blown overdrive. I truly was all alone, but I still needed to get
away from everything that was making me ache with despair. My baby deserved
better than this…I deserved better than this. After hearing Crystal call me
things no mother should every say to her child, I knew I couldn’t stay in this
hell hole one more second.

I’d
had enough. I was going to get out and start my life safely away from the
viscous, cruel woman I’d lived with all these years. My child would never know
the horrors of growing up in a home with someone that didn’t care whether they
lived or died. Whether or not Kris was in the baby’s life or not, he or she
would never know anything but love from me.

I
knelt onto the floor and wiped away more tears as I lifted the corner of my
mattress and roamed my hand under it to find my hidden stash of money. As I
reached further under it and couldn’t find it, a wave of panic swept over me. I
remember where I kept the money…it was always in the same place and it was
never moved. Nervousness over took me and I stood up, flipping the mattress
over to find the thing I feared to be true; my money was gone.

“Oh
no,” I whimpered, fresh tears rolling down my cheeks. Just as I was fighting a
wave of nausea, I heard pounding at my door.

“Next
time you want to hide your money stash from me, make sure you find a better
hiding spot,” Crystal shouted, cackling like a hyena. “How fucking stupid can
you be? Everyone knows not to hide money in a mattress.”

I
started sobbing and fought hard to keep from puking. All that money I’d saved
to get away from her was all gone. Everything I’d worked for was over in the blink
of an eye. I was falling deeper into darkness and Kris, my one bright light,
wasn’t here to break my fall.

The
pounding on the door got louder and I sank back down to the floor and curled
into a ball. I was crying so hard that I didn’t even realize the door had been
busted open until I could smell the cheap liquor and stale cigarette smell that
was Crystal’s signature fragrance. She was standing over me, laughing
maniacally.

“Get
up, you stupid little bitch,” she screamed right before I felt a sharp blow to
my lower back. I screamed out in pain…she’d kicked me hard and I straightened
out, grabbing my back.

“Let
me guess. You were saving all your money from that pathetic fast food job to
try and get away from me, is that it? Well, I could have saved you all the time
in the world because if you wanted away from me so bad, all you had to was walk
out the fucking door, you dumb whore!”

I
felt another hard kick and this time it was to my stomach. Panic set in as I
pulled myself out of my own depressing pain and remembered I had something much
more precious to protect…oh no! I tried to curl myself into the fetal position
to protect the baby but before I could she kicked me again.

“No!”
I screamed out. “Stop it!”

“You’ve
been a drain on me for the last eighteen years but now that I know you want to
be gone, you’re getting your wish! You get the fuck out of my house and don’t
even think about coming back!” Crystal yelled, repeatedly kicking any part of
me she could. I tried my hardest to protect my stomach from any more blunt
force hits, but she was too fast and too strong. The last thing I remembered
before completely blacking out from pain was hearing her evil laugh and seeing
her ugly, cruel eyes staring me down through my tears.

I
already knew I was in a hospital before I even opened my eyes. I could hear a
faint beeping sound, I could smell the hospital-grade disinfectant, and when I
moved my fingers I could feel the familiar burn in my arm that let me know I
had an IV in place.

I
hurt everywhere; it was almost impossible to move. I slowly opened my eyes and
moaned in pain as I tried to reach down and feel my stomach. I remembered
Crystal kicking me and I panicked as I realized the baby was in danger.

The
beeping got louder and faster and I heard someone say, “Oh lord, Jessie! You’re
awake!”

I
opened my eyes and saw Rose Matthews sitting at my bedside and Alan was
standing behind her. She immediately took my hand in hers and I could tell by
looking at her that she’d been crying.

“Rose…”
I croaked out. My throat was sore and I had a splitting headache.

“I
just pushed the call button so the nurse will be in any second. Try not to
move,” she said softly and gently stroking the back of my hand. “It’s going to
be okay.”

“The
baby?” I asked, terrified. Her tone was making me scared; she sounded so sad
and like she was choking back tears.

“Shh,
just wait until the doctor gets here,” she said, and I saw a tear fall down her
cheek.

Before
I could ask her anything else, an older dark-skinned lady in scrubs came into the
room.

“Miss
Monroe, I’m Rita, and I’m going to be taking care of you. How are you feeling?”

“Sore,”
I answered honestly. “Will someone tell me what’s going on? Where’s the doctor?
Why won’t anyone tell me anything?”

“The
doctor that has been taking care of you will be here shortly, just try to relax
sweetheart,” Rita said.

“Where’s
Crystal?” I asked.

“Crystal?”
Rita asked Rose.

“Her
mother,” Alan replied, his eyes clouding with anger. “Jess, she’s in jail. She
should be rotting in hell after what she did to you.”

“Jail?”
I asked.

Rose
nodded. “Apparently some neighbors heard the attack happening and called the
cops. When they showed up they found all kinds of drugs in the apartment and
hauled her in on numerous charges, your assault included.”

I
couldn’t take the wait any longer. I had to know if the baby was okay and I was
getting more scared by the second because no one was looking me in the eye and
no one had mentioned anything.