Deeper (17 page)

I
sat on the opposite side of the couch and nodded my head.

“It
really is. I’d ask if you want a tour but we both just sat down.”

Kris
grinned and stood back up, placing his soda on the tiny coffee table along the
way.

“Now
I’m up. Show me around.”

Grinning,
I placed my soda next to his and stood to meet him.

“Follow
me. It’s pretty small, so this shouldn’t take long,” I said, and he smiled
serenely as I showed him around my tiny apartment. As soon as we reached my
bedroom, I froze.

“Th-this
is my bedroom, but I’m sure you don’t want to see it.”

“Aw
come on, Jess. I want the full tour,” he replied, grinning. “Let me see it.”

I
groaned.

“Oh,
all right.” I opened the door and turned on the light as we walked inside.
“It’s not much, just a bed and a dresser.”

I
was about to lead him out but before I could, he took his hand in mine. I
gasped at the feel of his warm, calloused hands against my skin.

“Jessie,
you have stop downplaying all of this. The bedroom is great, this whole
apartment is perfect. I’m so proud of how far you’ve come on your own.”

“You
are?” I asked, my heart beating in my chest.

“Of
course I am.” He reluctantly let go of my hand and moved toward my bedroom
door.

“Thank
you, Kris,” I replied as I followed him out into the living room. He took his
seat back on the couch and I sat down as well, this time a little closer to
him.
God he smelled so good…

“So,
tell me all about your life. What are you doing now?” he asked me, picking up
his soda and taking another drink.

“Oh
come on, that’s not important. I want to know about the tour. What’s it been
like traveling around the country?”

“Jess,
why don’t you want to talk about yourself?”

“Because
I’m pretty boring,” I tried to joke.

“That’s
impossible,” he replied. “Come on, what’s been going on? Where did you go
after…you know?”

I
sighed nervously.

Here
goes.

I
told him everything. I told him about living with Rose and Alan for a while,
starting college (which had him beaming at me with pride), my job at the bank,
and eventually moving into my apartment. I told him I was also trying to save
for a car so I didn’t have to take the bus anymore.

Then,
just as I had dreaded, he asked the question I was sure he wanted to ask all
night. Hell, for the past year.

“So,
how are you doing, you know,
physically
since you lost…you know…th-the
baby?”

I
frowned and looked down before looking back up at him.

“For
the most part I’m okay. The damage was pretty minor considering how bad Crystal
attacked me.”

“Fucking
bitch,” he muttered, gripping his knees until his knuckles turned white. “I
hope that whore rots in jail for the rest of her miserable life for what she
did to you.”

“Me
too,” I said, emotion clogging my throat. I wasn’t at all sad that she was
still in jail and would be for the next ten years. It was for the one thing she
took from me that I’ll never be able to get back.

“I’m
so sorry Jess,” he said softly. “You know that if I’d known you were pregnant
I’d have raced back here and practically kidnapped you to get you away from her,
right?”

“I
know you would have,” I said, my eyes burning. Even though I hadn’t talked
about the baby or anything related to that in a year, I had still thought about
it every single waking moment of the day.

After
a few silent moments, I cleared my throat and admitted something to him that no
one, not even Rose or Alan, knew.

“It
was a girl,” I choked out, my voice thick with sadness. “That’s what the
doctors told me anyway.”

I
saw his eyes widen instantly glisten with tears.

“A
girl?” he asked, his voice breaking. “I…I…oh man.” A single hot tear shot down
his cheek.

“I
know,” I said, tears brimming in my eyes.

He
sat in silence as the tears glided down his cheeks and he made no attempt to
hide them.

“Thank
you for telling me that,” he said, clearing his throat and wiping his face with
the back of his hand. “I mean, it’s always going to hurt, but I’m glad you
shared that with me.”

“I
hadn’t told anyone that until just now. You are the only person I ever wanted
to know.”

He
took my hand in his and rubbed it comfortingly.

“Thanks,”
he said, wiping another tear away. “Was there any other damage after that? I
mean, you can still have kids, right?”

I
was unable to stop my tears in that moment as I shook my head sadly.

“The
doctors say I have a very,
very
slim chance to be able to have children
now.”

“Oh
fuck,” he whispered. He scooted closer to me and wrapped an arm around me. He
rubbed my back comfortingly as more tears rolled down my cheeks.

“Crystal
caused some pretty serious trauma to my uterus and ovaries when she attacked
me. Something about the eggs not releasing properly, I don’t know. I was pretty
out of it when they told me. Basically, if I was to ever try for another baby
down the road, I would only have about a ten percent chance of actually conceiving.
So, to me that pretty much says that having a family is damn near impossible.”

He
pulled me into his chest and began combing his fingers through my hair
soothingly as I let the tears fall over what would never be for what seemed
like the millionth time.

“Jessie,
I’m so sorry. This is just one more thing that bitch has taken from you.”

“I
just don’t understand. I mean, I must have done something truly heinous in my
life to deserve this. I guess I just wasn’t meant to be a mother.”

He
gripped me tighter in his arms and said, “Don’t you ever say that. You would
have been-fuck that, you are
going to
be an incredible mother. We’ll
just have to get a second, third, and fourth opinion and no matter what I have
to do, even if we need to fly around the world to find some voodoo medicine
man, I’ll make this happen for you one day. I swear it, Jess.”

I
chuckled softly and as I pulled away from him and noticed that my tears had
left a stain on his shirt.

“Oh,
I messed up your shirt. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t
even worry about it,” he replied as he rubbed my tear stained cheeks with his
thumbs.

I
reached up and gripped his wrists with my hands, much like I did the last time
we saw each other in the hospital. I decided if I was going to go after the man
I loved, I might as well be brave.

“Listen,
I know it’s a lot to ask, especially after everything I put you through,
but…will you stay with me tonight?”

He
swallowed hard and his jaw squared.

“What?”
he asked, confusion on his handsome face.

“I’m
not asking for anything sexual at all, but I’ve just really missed you so much
and I don’t want to be alone. Just for one night and then you can go.”

“Are
you really sure you want me here?”

I
bit my lip and nodded.

“I’m
sure.”

“Then
this is where I’ll be. Wherever you need me to be, I’m there,” he answered.

Despite
a twinge of guilt I felt at him dropping the guys in the band to rush to my
side, I smiled. It warmed my heart to know that despite everything, I still
mattered to him and it gave me hope.

“Thank
you, Kris,” I replied and hugged him tightly.

“You’re
welcome, Jess.” After he released me, he said, “I’m going to call the guys and
let them know I’m staying here tonight. We don’t head out again for another two
days so I’m sure they won’t miss me.”

“Okay.
Please tell them I said hi and to not hate me stealing you away for the night.”

He
huffed out a laugh. “Jess, believe me on this…they will not hate you for this
in the least.” Before I could ask him to elaborate, he was on his cell phone
talking to someone.

I
decided to use the free minute I had while he was on the phone to go use the
restroom. I needed a minute to collect myself if I was going to be under the
same roof overnight with Kris for the first time in what felt like forever. I
stood up from the couch as he chatted on his phone and quickly went to my
bathroom locked the door behind me.

I
checked my hair and makeup in the mirror and surprisingly they were both still
intact. Thank God for small victories. I checked my breath against my palm and
it was good, but I took a swig of mouthwash anyway and I swished it around in
my mouth before spitting it into the sink. After I wiped my mouth with a hand
towel, I sprayed on some perfume and walked back out into the living room, a
feeling of hope spreading through me.

As
I moved toward the couch, he turned to me and smiled as he said goodbye to
whoever he was talking to.

“Everything
go okay in there?” he asked.

“Uh,
yeah, great,” I answered. “Thanks so much for doing this for me. I’m sure you
had better things to do tonight than hang out with your ex-girlfriend in her
tiny apartment.”

Kris
sighed and walked to me.

“Jess,
will you stop that? If I didn’t want to be here, I wouldn’t be. In fact, being
in your apartment right now is making me feel happier than I have in over a
year. I’ve really missed you.”

Tingles
flowed through me all the way to my fingertips.

“Me
too, Kris.”

We
were silent for a moment as the sexual tension between us grew. He took another
step closer to me and I could feel the heat radiating off his body, which still
looked as chiseled and sculpted as before. Actually, now that I was really
looking at him, his arms looked even more muscular than they’d been a year ago.
All that banging on his drums must have worked out his muscles even more and
his biceps were straining against the fabric of his tee shirt. Jesus, he was
beautiful.

“So,”
I said, cutting through the silence, “how about we put on some music?”

He
grinned and ran a hand through his messy hair. “That sounds great. What do you
have?”

“Well,
I don’t have much, but you’re welcome to look through my CD’s and find
something you like,” I answered.

He
walked to my stereo and found my CD rack. As his eyes scanned down the limited
selection I had, I asked him, “Can I get you something else to drink? Or I
could make something to eat. I don’t remember seeing you eat earlier.”

“I’m
fine, Jess, thank you,” he replied as he took a CD out of its case and put it
into the stereo.

“Kris,
come on, you need to eat. I can order us a pizza, or we could just make some
popcorn.”

“Whatever
you want is fine. I’m really not hungry,” he replied as the music began to fill
the room.

I
smiled as Extreme’s “More Than Words” started to play. Kris walked to me and
held out his hand.

“Dance
with me?”

A
chill shiver shot down my spine as he took a step closer.

“R-really?”

“Come
on, what do you have to lose?”

Not my heart, because you’ve always had it,
I thought to myself.

Nervously,
I placed my shaking hand in his and said, “Nothing. I’d love to dance with
you.”

Smiling,
he pulled me against his hard chest and wrapped his arms around me, holding me
close. I pressed my cheek against his chest and felt my palms getting sweaty as
we started to sway to the music and for the first time in over a year, I
finally felt at ease.

Kris

Tonight
had been the best night I’d had in a very long time. This morning when I woke
up, I was alone in a bunk on a tour bus missing Jessie just as much as I had
since I lost her. Now, twelve hours later, I was back in my hometown after
playing to a sold out crowd and was currently holding the girl I loved in my
arms again. I felt like I was dreaming.

Holding
her was the only thing that was reminding me that this was real. Her skin felt
so soft, her body so warm and taut against me, and the scent of her silky hair
was intoxicating. We danced until the music ended and I held onto her long
after the song was over. Neither one of us wanted to let go.

The
sudden loud clap of thunder outside jolted me out of my Jessie-induced stupor
and I reluctantly released her. She stepped back and looked at me with a dazed
yet blissful look on her face.

I
glanced at the clock on the wall and the time was one forty-five. I didn’t know
if she had somewhere she needed to be in the morning but since it was so late,
I wasn’t going to make her stay up and talk to me. She needed her rest and we
had all day to talk when we both woke up.

“It’s
getting late. Maybe we should go to bed,” she said, just before I was going to
suggest it. “You know it’s hard for me to fall asleep during a thunderstorm so
I probably should try to get some rest now before it gets too loud.”

“True,”
I replied, smiling. “I’ll just take the couch if that’s okay.”

“No,
you’re a guest,” she replied, shaking her head. “You take the bed and I’ll take
the couch.”

“No
fucking way, Jess. I’m taking the couch and that’s it,” I stated, looking at
her like I wanted to devour her. Who the hell was I kidding? That’s exactly
what I wanted to do.

She
blinked her big blue eyes at me and replied, “O-okay. I’ll just get you a
pillow and blanket.” Her cheeks were pink as she walked into her bedroom. While
she was gone I slipped out of my shoes and sat on the couch. I knew that
tonight wasn’t going to lead to anything sexual so in order for things to stay
that way, I wasn’t going to get undressed in front of her and risk her seeing
my rapidly-growing erection.

When
she came back carrying a blanket and pillow she was biting onto her bottom lip
nervously. “I really don’t like you sleeping on the couch but I guess I don’t
have a choice,” she replied, smiling. “If you get uncomfortable let me know and
we can trade off.”

“Jess,
this is just fine. Thank you,” I answered, taking the blanket and pillow from
her. “Try and get some rest before the rain starts, okay? Don’t worry, I’ll
still be here in the morning.”

She
grinned brightly and simply said, “Good night, Kris,” and winked at me as she
walked into her room.

After
she shut the door I slipped out of my clothes and plopped onto her couch in
nothing but my boxers. As the rain started to fall outside, I put an arm over
my eyes and tried to think of anything but the fact that the love of my life
was sleeping in a bed alone in the next room.

“NOOOOO!!”

I
sat up on the couch with my heart beating out of my chest. Blinking, it took me
a minute to remember that I wasn’t on the bus, waking from a bad dream. I was
in Jessie’s apartment and it was pouring down rain outside. I rubbed a hand
over my eyes and tried to shake off the dream I was sure I’d just woken from.

I
thought I had been dreaming because every time I had closed my eyes over the
past year, I dreamt about Crystal attacking Jess and me not being there to save
her. She was always screaming and I was never able to reach her in time.

This
time, I realized it wasn’t a dream when I heard another blood curdling scream
coming from Jessie’s room. Without thinking I flew off the couch and ran to her
room, opening her door and finding her tangled in her sheets. She was tossing
and turning in her sleep and it was obvious that she was having a nightmare.

I
crossed her room in two big steps and climbed onto her bed, only thinking of
what I could do that would help bring her out of this. In all the years I’d
known her, I’d never known her to have nightmares. After what she’d lived
through after Crystal’s attack, it was no wonder she was experiencing this now.
It was heartbreaking to witness her in the middle of a bad dream. Instinctively
I wrapped my arms around her shaking body and I held on as tight as I could.

“Jess,
baby, wake up,” I pleaded as I felt her quivering. “You’re having a bad dream,
look at me.”

She
opened her eyes and was looking wildly around the room, seeming to not know
where she was. Tears were pouring from her eyes as she tried to focus on her
surroundings. When she looked up and her eyes landed on mine she looked
confused and seemed to be trying to focus on me.

“Jess,
it’s Kris, I’m here. It’s okay, you were just having a nightmare. I’m here,
baby, I’m right here,” I repeated, lightly touching her cheek.

She
blinked a few more times and before I could register what was happening she
reached up and slid her slender fingers around my neck and pulled my face to
hers, roughly crashing her lips to mine. I opened my mouth to gasp and when I
did she thrust her tongue past my lips and I moaned in pleasure.

I
knew that she had to have been still dreaming but in that moment I didn’t care.
This was heaven. Jessie was kissing me and nothing in the world had felt or
tasted better than her delicate, petal soft lips. When she broke away from me
and her eyes focused on me, her eyes widened in realization and she gasped in
shock.

“Oh
my God, Kris, I’m so sorry!” she exclaimed, and a bolt of lightning lit up the
night sky outside of her window. The light of it lit up her face and my breath
caught at how beautiful she was.

“Jess,
it’s okay,” I whispered, still holding her in my arms.

“I…I
was having a nightmare. I dreamt that Crystal was out of jail and she came here
and instead of attacking me she went after you with a knife and the next thing
I knew you were next to me and then I was kissing you in my dream. At least I
thought I was,” she answered, shame in her voice. “I didn’t mean to kiss you
for real, I thought I was dreaming. I’m so sorry.”

I
traced her bottom lip with my thumb and swallowed hard.

“I’m
not.”

“Y-you’re
not?” she asked, her eyes widening.

“I’m
not a damn bit sorry for kissing you, Jess, because I can’t keep acting like
I’m okay without you. I’m fucking miserable and I have been ever since you
pushed me away the first time. I still love you Jess. I never stopped.”

She
started to breath faster and I could feel her heart pounding. I roamed my hand
down and placed it at the small of her back, pulling her body into mine. I
stifled a moan when I realized she was sleeping in nothing but a camisole and tiny
silk panties.

“I’ve
never stopped either. I…I love you too, Kris,” she admitted, and my fingers
moved down and slipped under the waist of her panties.

Please Jess…just say it…tell me what you want,
I thought. All she needed to do
was say the words. The ball was in her court.

“Kris,
I want you, need you now, tonight. I can’t fight this anymore. Make love to me,
please,” she begged.

“Are
you sure?” I asked, my voice husky with desire as her delicate fingers roamed
down my chest and dipped into the top of my boxers.

She
nodded and whispered, “I’m yours.”

“Finally,”
I groaned and my lips found hers again. This time I was going to make damn sure
she knew it wasn’t a dream…I was going to turn her inside out and make her
remember that this was the moment that I let her know that I was never letting
her go again.

I
kissed her like I’d been dying to since the last time I’d gotten to taste her
sweet lips and I held nothing back. My cock was as hard as stone as she made a
little mewling sound as our tongues danced perfectly together. She tasted just
as I remembered, like the sweetest honey I’d ever had. I’d missed her flavor so
much that it was like I was an addict and she was my drug of choice.

She
was wiggling beneath me and I gasped sharply as she pushed down the front of my
boxers and my dick sprang free. She grasped it tightly in her hand and I gasped
sharply as she began to stroke me up and down.

“You
feel amazing,” she breathed, and she lifted her legs and pushed my boxers down
the rest of the way with the tips of her toes. I was completely naked on top of
her and I was desperate to get her naked too. Every second that I wasn’t inside
her was time wasted.

I
tugged at the bottom of her shirt and she let go of my cock and lifted it off
herself with ease. I leaned up on my knees and quickly grabbed her panties at
her hips and began sliding them down her legs. As soon as they were off, she
leaned up and pulled me back down on top of her.

“Kris,
please, I need you now,” she begged, opening her legs wide and thrusting her
hips up so that the head of my dick was resting right at her slick, wet
entrance. The warmth coming off of her damp folds felt so amazing that my eyes
rolled back in pleasure.

“I
need a condom,” I declared and was starting to move away from her but she
stopped me.

“No,
it’s okay, you don’t have to…” she trailed off, and I suddenly remembered the
reason why.

My
jaw clenched and I closed my eyes tightly for a moment, trying to dull the deep
ache in my chest. This was just one more thing that Crystal took from her. One
more thing I would have to help her forget…at least for now.

I
touched her cheek gently and leaned down to kiss her once more. I savored the
taste of her lips one last time before I reached my hand down and began to
guide my hard cock into her searing heat.

She
cried out in pleasure as I entered her slowly, claiming her again inch by solid
inch. Jessie dug her fingernails into my shoulders, spurring me on, and I
groaned at the feel of how much she wanted this, wanted me. I picked up my pace
and began to drive into her, giving her what she wanted as fast as she seemed
to want it.

Just
as I felt my orgasm starting to build at the base of my spine, she pushed
against my chest and rolled us over. I lied back on the bed and she
repositioned herself on top of me. My eyes rolled back as she took charge and
rocked her hips back and forth, driving me crazy. I gripped her ass and moved
her faster as my pleasure built more and more.

I
moved one hand in front of her and my thumb quickly found her clit. She gasped
and tossed her head back as I worked her tiny, sensitive nub in little circles,
causing her to moan loudly. Her body was shaking as she leaned down and kissed
me, her perfect breasts brushing against my chest.

“God
I’ve missed you,” she whispered against my lips.

“I’ve
missed you too, baby. You feel so incredible,” I replied as I thrust my hips up
and she whimpered in pleasure.

Jessie
straightened back up and continued to rock back and forth on top of me and I
could feel her inner walls starting to grip my cock tighter. She was close and
even though I wanted to drag our reunion out as long as I could, being inside
her again was making me lose control. I was close to my own orgasm and I wanted
us to finish together.

“I’m
close, Kris, don’t stop,” she panted, and she gently clawed at my chest in
passion.

“Jess,
fuck,” I growled, and I sat up to look at her. I wanted to watch her beautiful
face as she came undone for me.

I
couldn’t wait any longer and could feel my release building so strongly. Just
as I was about to let go, she screamed out in sheer bliss as her orgasm rocked
her body. The feel of her release rolling down my dick set off my own and I
came deep inside her. She stared into my eyes as she came and I held her
gorgeous body against mine for as long as she’d let me.

“Oh…my…God,”
she exclaimed, her breathing labored. I could feel her heart pounding against
my chest and I suddenly felt tingles shoot through me when I realized that our
heartbeats were exactly the same. “That was…”

“Perfect,”
I replied, pulling her lips to mine. “You’re so fucking perfect.”

I
could see the tears glistening in her eyes and her lip was trembling.

“I’m
not perfect, Kris. I’m…broken,” she answered softly.

“Oh
Jess,” I replied, kissing her forehead gently. “You are absolutely not broken.
If I know you as well as I think I do, I bet you have been shouldering all the
blame and feeling guilty for how things happened but baby, believe me, none of
what happened is your fault.”

“How
can you say that?” she cried. I felt a warm tear hit my chest and I combed my
fingers through her hair in an effort to comfort her. “We both loved each other
so much that you were willing to mess up an amazing opportunity for you and the
guys and I couldn’t let that happen. When you begged me to come with you, I was
stubborn and said no because I let Crystal get inside my head and make me think
that I wasn’t worth all the hassle.”