Deeper (21 page)

“I
know it is, but we’re going to figure this all out, okay? As soon as this tour
ends we’re going to see a specialist and figure out options.”

“Kris,
I know that this isn’t going to happen for us so I need to start accepting it.
Seeing a million doctors and being poked and prodded won’t help anything. It
will just get my hopes up and I can’t do that.”

“How
do you know that seeing another doctor won’t help? Did you ever get a second
opinion?”

“Well…no.”

“So
what harm could it do? At least then we’ll know for sure and then discuss our
options.”

She
looked up at me with those damn ocean-blue eyes and said, “You’re amazing, Kris
Engle. Do you know that?”

“I
have my moments,” I grinned. “Seriously, Jess, I just want you to be happy and
I’ll do whatever I have to do to make your dreams come true.”

“I
love you,” she said, and leaned her lips to mine. She kissed me tenderly and
tingles shot through my body.

I
groaned and said, “I hope that the doctor says you are okay because I plan on
ravaging you once we get back to the bus.”

“Sounds
great,” she replied, kissing me again.

When
the doctor came back into the room and informed us that Jessie had food
poisoning and was slightly dehydrated, I was thankful that she was okay and it
wasn’t more serious. However, despite knowing she wasn’t pregnant, I could
still see the disappointment in her eyes. Even though we were still young and
life was definitely too crazy to even think about bringing a baby into our
chaotic world, it killed me knowing I couldn’t give her the one thing she truly
wanted. I was going to keep my promise I made to her and figure out a way to
give her the chance to be a mother one way or another.

Two
months later, the tour had finally ended and I was looking forward to a nice
long break from being on the road and hopefully scheduling an appointment with
a fertility specialist. Between visiting Crystal before we left, the long and
exhausting tour, and Jessie’s illness in the midst of that, I was beyond ready
for some normalcy in our lives. We finally were able to break ground on the
home we’d always wanted and I spared no expense making it everything she
dreamed of. Seeing the house being built was a dream for me just as much as it
was for her because that was what I’d worked so hard for, struggled for…to give
her the life she deserved, to watch her wake up every morning in a beautiful
home that was built just for her.

Everything
was finally the way it should have been. Beau’s sister Sadie had graduated from
her fancy private high school a year early and was already completing her first
year of college. The last time we’d seen her was right after graduation and she
told me then that she was going to produce music and thought attending college
was a waste of her time. Beau, however, was not about to let her pass up every
experience she could have and insisted on sending her to a top college in
Chicago that offered an excellent music program.

Ryder
was the same as he’d always been, chasing girls and living the rock star life.
Thankfully he kicked his drug habit, but his insatiable appetite for women
hadn’t died down. He, Jude, and Beau were bedding so many women and partying so
hard night after night that it seemed like their names were always in the paper
and on entertainment shows for their antics. The record label was beginning to
get angry with the constant negative media attention, so the following year we
were forced into the studio and recorded another album that we’d be touring for
the following summer. I was frustrated but it was all part of the life. I hated
that I was under the label’s thumb but that part I could handle because I had
no other choice. However, now that we were being sent out again there was one
thing I had been planning to do for a while and now my plans were fucked.

I
wanted to propose to Jessie and didn’t want to do it while we were on the road,
which meant I never had found the right time. I guess I was just going to have
to get creative and find a way to do this like I’d planned while being on
another fucking tour. Hopefully I would be able to do this in a romantic way,
the way she’d always dreamed of, but being on a long drawn out tour traveling
around the country on a bus that I sometimes shared with three other guys
wasn’t exactly the proposal I’d always planned. One thing I did know for sure
was that no matter what, I was going to propose to Jessie and make it perfect
for her.

Jessie

I
was beginning to hate being on the road.

Ever
since Bad Blooded Rebel had been signed with Bulldoze Records, they had barely
been home and hardly lived in the houses they’d spent million buying. I knew that
living on the road could be grueling, but it felt like Stanley and Rick Isaacs
were going out of their way to make life harder for Kris and the guys. They
seemed like they were trying to show who was really in control of their lives
and it was really pissing everyone off. I was sure the guys wanted to find
another label but unfortunately their hands were tied legally. They had another
two years left on their contract and we’d all just have to suffer through them
(and yet another tour).

As
time marched on, touring around wasn’t the only thing I was growing tired of. I
was beginning to take it personally that Kris still hadn’t proposed to me after
all this time. At this point we’d been together for the better part of seven
years and I wasn’t getting any younger. I was only twenty-five, but still…just
buy the cow already, man!

The
tour had taken us to New York and I was actually excited to be going back
there. Not only did I love New York City, but we’d be meeting up with Jake
Riggins again and despite his perverted personality I actually liked him. I’d
also spoken to him on the quiet about doing my first tattoo when we got there
and I hadn’t told Kris about it. I planned on sneaking away to Jake’s shop
while Kris was doing interviews with Beau, Jude, and Ryder. I knew he’d be
surprised and that he would love it, but I also hoped he wasn’t bummed out that
I didn’t ask him to come with me. The tattoo I was getting was something that I
wanted to surprise him with and something I had to do on my own.

When
the guys were checked into the hotel and were giving their interviews in the
conference room, I’d kissed Kris goodbye and told him I was going to go out
sightseeing and slipped out of the hotel. As soon as I was out I called Jake to
let him know I was on my way and he said he was all set up and ready. I was so
nervous about the pain but excited to have it done.

When
I reached Ink Dungeon, I walked inside to find Jake already waiting for me at
the reception desk. I smiled at him as he walked toward me with his heavily
tattooed arms open.

“Well
if it isn’t the Rebel princess. Get into these arms and give me a hug girl,” he
said and I wrapped my arms around his torso and hugged him tight.

“Jake
it’s great to see you again. How’ve you been?”

“Living
the dream, beautiful. How are the guys? Ryder, Jude, and Beau still pulling in
pussy every night?”

I
rolled my eyes and snorted out a laugh.

“Of
course they are but you already know that. Last time I checked you were as big
of a slut as they were and have a quite a long pussy list yourself.”

Jake
cocked his head and flashed a crooked smile at me.

“Oh
God, Jess, say pussy again. That almost got me hard.”

I
laughed and shoved against him.

“Shut
up. Are we doing this tattoo or what? I only have four hours before the
interviews are supposed to be over and I promised Kris I’d be back before they
were finished.”

“All
right, let’s get started,” Jake replied and I followed him back to his room.
“So, you want to do a lotus flower on your side with a certain date on it?”

“That’s
right,” I replied, sitting in the tattoo chair.

“What
does the date mean? Is it the first time you and Kris fucked or something?” he
asked, grinning.

“Um,
no actually. Look, this isn’t something I’ve told too many people so don’t
repeat it, okay? We don’t want the press catching wind of it. It’s actually a
miracle that they don’t know already.”

Jake
sat in his chair next to me and his face was serious as he replied, “I won’t
say a thing, Jess, you know that.”

I
took a deep breath and answered, “It’s the date that I lost my baby girl six
years ago.”

“Oh
shit, Jess, I’m so sorry. Now I feel like a dick,” he said, hanging his head
down for a moment. When he looked back up his eyes were full of compassion.

“Jake
it’s okay, you didn’t know.”

“What
happened?” he asked.

“My
mother happened,” I answered, “and I don’t want to talk about it anymore than
that. I just wanted to have something besides memories that I can carry with me
to remind me that my little girl was real, you know?”

“I
totally get it. I think the lotus flower fits that perfectly. I don’t mean to
sound like a candy ass but I love those flowers. They represent rebirth and
life always renews itself in one way or another. I bet your baby girl’s energy
was too powerful to fade out and it’s found a home somewhere close to you.”

The
tears started pouring down my cheeks. Jake might seem like a superficial woman
chasing jerk, but damn it if he didn’t always say the right thing at the right
moment.

I
leaned forward in the chair and hugged him again. “Jake…that was beautiful.
Thank you so much for saying that.”

“You’re
welcome.” Before things got any more emotional he pulled back and said, “Okay
let’s get to work. We’re on a time crunch, right?”

Wiping
my eyes with my hands I replied, “Right. Let’s do this thing.”

Two
and a half hours of pure torture later I had a gorgeous tattoo on my side right
over my ribs. I couldn’t wait to show it to Kris and get his reaction. Jake
tried to warn me that getting the tattoo on my side was going to hurt but I was
insistent it had to be there. When I looked at the time on my phone, I had less
than an hour before the guys would be finished and getting ready to go to the
venue for the show. I thanked Jake and paid him for the tattoo (plus a huge tip
just because I loved him) and ran out onto the streets of New York.

As
soon as I got to the hotel, I ran inside and through the lobby (which gathered
some strange looks from some of the haughty rich people that were checking in)
and into the conference room where they were wrapping up an interview. As they
were answering the last question, I stood back and watched as Ryder had the female
reporter hanging on every word he said and practically eating out of the palm
of his tattooed hand.

“Okay,
well I think that’s all the questions I have for you right now. Thanks so much
for taking the time to meet with me,” the woman replied, smiling slyly and
biting her lip. “I’m sure your fans will appreciate you answering their
questions.”

“It’s
no problem at all,” Ryder replied, winking at her. I fought back a laugh as her
cheeks flushed with redness. “You’re coming to the show tonight, right?”

“Of
course. I’ll be covering the live show as well for the magazine so I’ll
definitely be there.”

“Awesome.
It’ll be nice to see you there,” he said. Jude faintly snorted and nudged Kris’
arm and they both looked down, most likely to hide their looks of amusement
from the poor unsuspecting woman. Ryder had her on his radar and I almost felt
bad for the poor thing…almost. Ryder’s reputation was pretty well known in the
music world so when-not if-they sleep together she hopefully will leave with
her dignity still intact and not do a very public walk of shame.

“Great,”
she replied, running her fingers through her long dark hair and smiling one
last time before everyone stood up. “I’ll see you guys later tonight.”

“Looking
forward to it, sweetheart,” Ryder added as she gave him one final flirty glance
and began to walk toward the exit. I began to approach the guys and as the
reporter walked past me, she smirked at me tempestuously before leaving. Okay,
now I really didn’t feel bad for her. I hoped Ryder dumped her on her ass.

Kris
stretched his arms out and when he twisted around and his eyes landed on me, he
grinned like he’d not seen me in weeks even though it had just been a few
hours.

“Hey
beautiful,” he said, smiling as I closed the distance between us. “There you
are. Did you have a good time this afternoon?”

I
carefully wrapped my arm around his waist and tried my best to hide the
discomfort as my freshly inked skin pressed into his side.

“I
did,” I replied as he kissed the top of my head. “I actually spent some time
with a friend.”

“Oh
yeah? Who was that?”

“Jake,”
I answered and I felt him stiffen.

“Jake
Riggins? Why did you spend time with him?”

“Calm
down, Kris, it wasn’t anything like that,” I said, running my hand along his
abs over his shirt to relax him. “I actually visited his shop.”

I
felt him relax and a gorgeous smile spread across his lips.

“Well
that’s cool. I bet it was nice seeing him in his shop instead of a bar or night
club for once,” Kris said.

“Yeah,
it was. Actually, there was a reason that I went to Ink Dungeon and I have something
I wanted to show you. That is if you have a minute,” I stated, feeling suddenly
nervous. I was going to show him my tattoo and I suddenly was worried that he’d
hate it.

His
green eyes were alive with desire and burned right into me.

“Sure,
okay. Hey guys, we’ll be right back,” Kris said to Ryder, Beau, and Jude and
they waved at us as we left the room and went up to our hotel room. Once we
were inside and the door was locked, he pressed me against the door and kissed
me deeply. As his tongue plunged into my mouth, his body pressed into mine and
I winced back in pain. I pushed against him gently and when our lips broke apart,
he gave me a puzzled look.

“Jessie,
is everything all right?”

I
smiled at him and answered, “Everything’s fine, Kris.”

“If
it is then why did you just push me away? Call me stupid, but I thought when
you said you wanted to ‘show me something’ that meant you wanted to be alone,”

“I
always want to be alone with you,” I said, running my fingers through his hair
the way he liked. I felt him shiver and stifle a groan. “There really is
something I need to show you though and I hope you don’t freak out on me.”

His
eyebrows drew together and he took a step away from me. “The fact that you are
asking me not to freak out is starting to make me freak out. Just tell me
what’s going on.”

I
took a deep breath and raised the bottom of my shirt up high where it was just
covering my breasts. I carefully peeled off the bandage that Jake had placed
over my tattoo and when the cool air hit my stinging skin, I sucked in a sharp
breath.

Still
nervous that Kris would be pissed at me for getting inked and not telling him,
I closed my eyes tightly and quietly asked, “What do you think?”

It
was silent for only a few moments yet it seemed like a lifetime before he
spoke. When he finally did, he commanded, “Jess, open your eyes.”

I
did as he wanted and when our eyes met, his incredible green eyes were filled
with emotion.

“Is
it okay? Do you like it?” I asked nervously.

“This
is the most beautiful ink I’ve ever seen,” he whispered. I noticed his fingers
were twitching and he was probably aching to touch my tattoo.

“Really?”

“I
love it Jess, truly. It’s breathtaking.”

Our
eyes were both misting and I didn’t want to turn this into a sad moment. I
decided to change the direction of the conversation and I asked, “So are you
going to tell me how to take care of this thing?”

Kris
cleared his throat.

“Jake
didn’t give you any kind of aftercare instructions?” he asked as he rubbed his
eyes.

“No,
there was no time. I wanted to get it done and make it back before the
interviews were finished.”

“Well
I’m impressed. For only being gone for a few hours he did an incredible job.”

“He
really did. I’m so glad you like it. I was worried that you wouldn’t.”

“You’ve
always been beautiful Jess, but this tattoo just took it to a whole other
level. You look perfect,” Kris said, moving closer to me and placing his
fingers gently on the tattoo. It stung a little but the feel of his fingers on
me was overshadowing any pain.

“So,”
I said as I slid my fingers under his shirt and toyed with his belt buckle,
“how hard is it to have sex with fresh ink?” Kris’ eyes were burning with
desire as I lifted my shirt over my head and tossed it to the floor.

“It’s
so hard,” he growled, thrusting his hips into me and I could feel his erection
pressing into me. “When you’re on the bottom, that is.”

“Well,
I guess I’ll just have to be on top, won’t I?” I asked as I unbuckled his belt
and unzipped his pants.

“God
I fucking love you,” Kris said before crashing his lips to mine and leading me
to the bed.