Defensive Heart: The Donnolleys, Book 2 (18 page)

“Oh, I mean it. If you go now, then this is over.”

Placing his hands on his hips, he glanced over his shoulder at her. She’d grabbed a robe and wrapped it around herself and was now moving toward him. “That easy for you, huh?”

She swept past him to her bedroom. “I don’t have time for your drama.”

Jimmy flinched at her words. The sting of them singeing his heart more than the slap she’d landed earlier. “Fuck you.” He stormed past her, out of her bedroom and continued to the front door.

As he figured, Sonja didn’t follow. Didn’t call after him. Didn’t try to stop him.

She let him go. And Jimmy let himself out.

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Sonja sat in one of the high-back chairs in the study, drinking a glass of Chardonnay, stewing. The evening’s events were on perma-loop, replaying over and over again in her mind. Trying to figure out what had happened wasn’t working. James was plain impossible to understand. She was giving him what she could manage, yet it wasn’t enough. She was sure it never would be.

Picking up her phone, she checked the time. Only nine p.m. Still early. Maybe Ginny was awake or, knowing her friend, she was likely out having a good time with some handsome man. Kind of like Sonja should be doing right now. With James.
Damn.
She stared blankly at her phone, resisting the urge to call or text him.

Guilt settled like a lead weight in her mind and heart. Their behavior was a clear indication of how screwed up their relationship was. For one thing, she shouldn’t have slapped him; but it hadn’t seemed to bother him. At all. How could slapping him turn him on? Worse, how could his reaction to it turn
her
on? Sonja shook her head and swallowed a gulp of wine.

Sick and twisted was a perfect definition of them together.

But the guilt—the guilt hung around for a different reason. She shouldn’t have been so harsh when his demeanor flipped, and he appeared to be confused and hurting. His reaction had nothing to do with the slap.

No, Sonja knew deep in her gut that James hurt because giving your heart to someone and having them treat it like it meant nothing to them hurt like hell.

The expression on his face and the pain in his eyes had sliced her deep and been far too much for her to process. She’d reacted in the worst possible way. A block of ice had encased her heart and Sonja was colder than she’d ever been to anyone in her life. Even Thomas. To make matters worse, she let him walk out the door feeling like he did. She wasn’t a cruel woman, yet it was clear, she’d been cruel in that moment with James.

Sonja cringed, her stomach tying itself into a thousand little knots. Thomas had deserved her coldness and cruelty, but James hadn’t. James deserved better, but she didn’t think she was capable of giving it to him.

After filling her glass from the bottle next to her, she took another swallow and dialed Ginny. She wasn’t a person who shared, or did the “girl talk” thing. However, aside from the guilt, desperation was winning the battle in her mind. But the guilt was running a close second.

“Oh my God, is everything okay?”

Of course her friend would think something urgent had happened. Sonja laughed. “Hi, Ginny. I’m not sure.”

“You’re laughing so it can’t be all bad. Why are you…?” Ginny paused, probably checking the time. “Why are you calling me this late? I never hear from you after six at night and
never
on weekends. What’s up?”

As predicted, based on the amount of background noise, Ginny was out somewhere. “Do you remember the artist I met in Las Vegas?”

“James Donnelly!”

Sonja pulled the phone from her ear to escape the loud squeal and laughed. She and Ginny had been friends since law school, and although they kept in touch, they led very different lives. Ginny had never gotten married and didn’t have kids. She was a successful lawyer and had been involved with some very prominent businessmen over the years, but no one had been able to pin her down. At least not yet. If anyone could give her dating advice, it would be Ginny.

“Yes, James Donnel—”

“Ohmygodddd! Are you seeing him? Where are you? Are you home? Should I come over? Holy shit, I’m so freaking excited! You have to tell me everything! I can’t believe you’re just telling me this now!”

Sonja took another sip of wine and listened patiently. Eventually when her friend realized she wasn’t answering, she’d settle down and let Sonja get a word in edgewise. When the line finally went silent, Sonja took her opportunity. “Did you get it all out?”

“I’m coming over.”

“You don’t have to; it sounds like you’re out.”

“Whatever! No way I’m going to pass up an opportunity to hear what’s been going on with you. I’ll be there in a few.” With that, the line went dead.

Seeing as though Sonja was about to have company, she got out of her robe and into some clothes. The doorbell rang a short time later, and Sonja slid on a pair of flats. After pulling her hair up into a quick twist, she grabbed her glass of wine and made her way to the door.

Before Sonja had the door half open, Ginny blew through it, a paper sack in one hand, and her purse in another.

“Sorry it took longer than expected. I grabbed provisions.”

Sonja closed the door and followed after her friend, who was already halfway down the hall toward the kitchen. “Provisions?”

“Is Casey home? I haven’t seen that child in forever.” She glanced in Sonja’s daughter’s bedroom when she passed it. “We really do need to get together more.”

“No. Casey’s spending the night at a friend’s house.” Sonja eyed the bag Ginny had set on the island. “What did you bring?”

“I brought all things necessary for a good talk. I know you already have wine open and ready to go.” Ginny nodded her head toward the glass in Sonja’s hand. “Pour me a glass, would you? I’ll get this set up.”

“Sure.” Sonja pulled a fresh glass for her friend from the cabinet and filled it. When she turned around, Ginny had grabbed a platter and was laying out a variety of cheeses, crackers and fruit. “That looks delicious.”

“Completely agree.” Ginny smiled and popped a cheese square in her mouth.

“Let’s go into the formal living room.” Sonja held both glasses of wine. “Bring the supplies.” She smiled and led the way.

After forcing Ginny to provide the details of what she’d been up to since they’d last seen each other, Sonja was left with no other choice but to share what was happening. She was so bad at girl talk. Always had been. Growing up she was taught to keep her private affairs just that…private. Even from friends.

She and Ginny had been close, but Sonja never really let her in too deep. Even when she discovered Thomas was having an affair, she hadn’t called on any friends to talk it out. On occasion she’d share with Ginny, but only at a surface level. Sonja had gone through the painful mess of his affair, as well as the divorce, on her own. It was lonely, but it was what she felt comfortable with.

She wasn’t sure if she could share now, not the way Ginny shared, but she’d try. Out of all of her friends, Ginny was probably the only one she could open up with. The wine helped too. “He wants more than I can give him.” Sonja bit into a cracker coated with Brie.

“Wait a minute. Back up, please. How long have you been seeing him?”

“A little over three months.”

“Three months! God, Sonja, you really know how to keep things to yourself. Has Casey met him yet?”

“No. No way. It’s not serious, and there’s nothing wrong with keeping things to yourself, Ginny.”

Ginny took a sip of her wine. “Sure there is. It’s why you are the way you are.”

Agitation pricked at her patience. Ginny’s statement felt a lot like an insult. “The way I am?” Ginny sent her a sideways glance and bit into a cracker piled high with cheese squares. Sonja sighed and tucked a leg beneath her. “The point is, there hasn’t been much to share. Not really anyway.”

“Are you sleeping with him?”

“Ginny! That’s a pretty personal question.”

“That means, yes. Is it good?”

Sonja almost choked. Wiping her mouth with a napkin, she pursed her lips and smoothed her hand up the back of her hair.

“Look, we’ve been friends a long time. Clearly you’re sleeping with him. So just spit it out. And obviously something’s wrong now, otherwise you wouldn’t have invited me over to talk. So, talk.”

“I didn’t invite you over. You invited yourself over, but…that’s beside the point. Fine. Yes. We’re sleeping together. Whether it’s good or not is irrelevant.” The bold-faced lie left a taste in her mouth so bitter she had to take a long swallow of her wine to wash it away. The sex being good was the whole reason she was in this mess.

Ginny raised a brow. “Yeah, it’s good. So what happened?”

Annoyance burned in Sonja’s gut. “Why do you do that? I obviously don’t need to tell you anything. You make it up as you go along.”

“Am I wrong?”

Sonja let out an exasperated sigh and rolled her eyes.

“Right. See? Sonja, you may not let anyone into your private life, but I lived with you long enough in law school to know you.” She raised her glass and shrugged one shoulder. “To me, you’re easier to read than a children’s book.”

Sonja knew her friend was right, but she’d lie down and die before she ever gave Ginny the satisfaction of knowing it. Spreading more cheese onto a cracker, she took a bite, chewing and…stalling. My God, this was harder than Sonja thought it would be. Could she really be this broken, this emotionally stunted? A wave of sadness washed through her, drowning her annoyance.

Her father had molded this side of her. Perfected it to his satisfaction. She didn’t want to be this way, and damn her father for instilling such a debilitating trait within her. What she wouldn’t do to be able to slap
his
face instead of James’s. “I’m trying, Ginny. Cut me some slack.”

“Always. But I think this is too important to let slide. So what happened?”

Sonja blew out a breath. “As I said, he wants more than I can give him.”

“More as in…?” Her friend took a sip of wine.

“I’m not sure really. I believe he’s developed feelings and wants to pursue a relationship with me.”

“And what do you want?”

Sonja grabbed the bottle of wine from the coffee table and filled both their glasses. “I want things to stay casual.”

“So you’re okay with him seeing other people?” Ginny licked some cheese spread from her fingers.

A lump rose hard and fast in Sonja’s throat, and her stomach flipped over on itself. The thought of James with another woman made her want to vomit. She stared at her friend, unable to answer. Almost unable to breathe.

“Ah, you’re not. So then why not let it be what it is? You know, go with the flow; see where it takes you.”

“Ginny, first of all, he’s too young for me. Second, he’s this free-spirited artist covered in tattoos and piercings. Hardly someone to be a role model for Casey. I don’t even want to get into what I’ve been dealing with regarding her. The last thing I need is some thirty-year-old playboy complicating my life.”

Her friend crossed one leg over the other. “First of all, who gives a shit how old he is, so check that excuse at the door. It’s not like he’s twenty-one. Second, he’s an amazingly talented artist, and from what I know about him, he does quite well for himself. And bless him for being comfortable enough to sport all those yummy tats and piercings. Third—” she took a sip of her wine, “—I highly doubt he’d do harm to Casey. For all you know maybe he’d be good for her.”

“Yes, but—”

“Everything after ‘but’ is bullshit.” Ginny placed her hand on Sonja’s arm. “Sweetie, you’ve been single for a long time. I can’t recall you ever dating. Maybe it’s time. Does he make you happy?”

“Well, yes. When he’s not picking fights with me.”

“He picks fights with you? About what?”

Sonja sipped her wine. “He fights with me about everything. Says I need to lighten up, have some fun. I really think he derives a perverse pleasure from getting me fired up. The man is relentless.”

Ginny smiled and squeezed Sonja’s arm. “Foreplay.”

“That’s exactly what he calls it too! I don’t get it, and I think it’s insane. I just know when it happens, I don’t know whether to kill him or take him to bed.” Sonja laughed, but tried to stifle it, knowing the wine had encouraged her to toss that little tidbit out there.

“Oh, sweetie,
do not
miss this chance. Take it from someone who knows; they don’t come along all that often.”

“I just don’t understand why we can’t keep things as they are. Yes, the sex is…well frankly, it’s earth shattering. But why can’t he leave it at that?”

“Because he’s not stupid, and he knows he’s found a good thing. Because underneath your disease, a little something some of us call ‘chronic seriousness’, he sees what the rest of us who love you also see: your amazing heart, mind and beauty.”

She couldn’t imagine how her friend saw those things in her. Sonja sure didn’t see them in herself. “So you think I should go for it. Just, give in and give him what he wants?”

Ginny raised her glass again. “Absolutely. I think you need to do it.”

“And you think I should introduce him to Casey too?”

“Definitely.”

She traced the rim of her glass with her fingertip. “I don’t know. This could go very badly, Ginny.”

“So what? At least you tried. It’s better than missing out and spending the rest of your life wondering ‘what if’.”

“Lord.” Sonja pressed her hand to her chest. “What if I can’t? It’s a risk, especially if I introduce him to Casey. It’s a tenuous balance with her right now.”

“I think he’s exactly what you need, Sonja. Truly. Let yourself have something good for once, honey.”

Sonja swallowed the last of her wine. The problem with “something good” was reality eventually hit and the good lost its shine. Her marriage had been good, until it no longer was. If she made this happen with James, the light of reality would shine on it and maybe the glare would ruin it. It would mean operating on blind faith alone, and Sonja wasn’t sure she could do that. “I have to think about it.”

“Don’t wait too long. Like I said on the plane, I’ll take him off your hands.” Ginny grinned.

“Like hell! You keep your paws to yourself, lady. You’ve already dated half the eligible bachelors this side of the Hudson. You can steer clear of my man.” Sonja laughed and then covered her mouth. Shock rolled through her at what she said. Maybe she did want him to be hers—even if accepting what she wanted versus what she felt she needed seemed impossible. She certainly didn’t want him with anyone else.

“That settles it.” Ginny patted Sonja’s leg and stood, still wearing her mile-wide grin. “Time for me to go. I need to catch up with one of those eligible bachelors you mentioned. Maybe I’ll get lucky one of these days and one of them’ll be a keeper.”