Destined to Play, Feel, Fly Trilogy (12 page)

‘Now, let’s not waste these martinis.’

Jeremy holds my chin upwards and carefully slides the cold liquid into my mouth. I don’t speak to him; I honestly don’t know what to say. I can barely move. I am petrified of going against his wishes after what has just happened, which is no doubt exactly what he intended, so I sit in silence, like a mannequin. It’s as if every cell in my body is electrified, awaiting his next move, on high alert. It’s strangely invigorating. I can feel his stare attempting to penetrate my thoughts. I try to calm my breath, my emotions, my thoughts … I fail. More silky liquid finds my tongue and slides down my throat. I don’t encourage it. I don’t prevent it. I’m frozen with some sort of fear of the
unknown that I can’t define; it’s exciting and tantalising even though I feel utterly vulnerable with only Jeremy to rely on. What choice do I have, but to temporarily accept this bizarre sequence of events without protest or complaint? However, in accepting this fate I am also forced to concede that I have never felt more special or cherished by anyone in my life.

Presumably we have finished our martinis because I am guided to a standing position. Jeremy slips his arm around my waist through my bound arms. We walk away without words. Suddenly, my feet are swept out from beneath me and Jeremy carries me easily up some stairs. It makes me feel very small, even more fragile and dependent, when he can scoop my body up so effortlessly. I have no physical defence against him and my emotional ones are being systematically infiltrated. I have never relied on someone so completely. I am usually so self-sufficient and this gesture of complete possession makes me quite literally go weak at the knees.

I hear a door open and feel a flood of fresh air surround me. He lowers me directly into a chair. I can hear the noise of the city below and feel the warm humid air on my skin. I imagine the evening is as beautiful as the day was earlier. It feels good to be out of the tense energy of that room. My entire body shudders with relief at this new environment and sense of space around me.

‘Are you cold?’ He is obviously watching me as intently as I had supposed he was. Before I can stop myself, I shake my head, acknowledging his question. So much for ignoring him. I continue to sit as still and straight as possible. I sense that he continues his attempt to decipher my every mood and reaction.

‘Would you like some music, or would you prefer to sit in silence?’ He always had a knack for procuring an answer other
than yes or no. I sigh inwardly but don’t answer him. This is his game, his rules, so I assume he will decide.

‘Music it is, then.’

Some light, mellow jazz music instantly commences at the end of his words. I am surprised — the music sounds live and I tilt my head in the direction of the sound. The music is smooth and melodic, vaguely familiar although I can’t quite place it at this stage. A light aroma teases my olfactory sense and I pause to consider its identity. I can detect wonderfully fresh coriander, chilli, some ginger, perhaps sesame oil. I realise Jeremy is allowing me to smell and absorb one of my favourite Thai dishes. He raises it carefully to my lips, teasing me a little. I let him play his silly games.

‘God, you look so gorgeous sitting here, so beautiful, so vulnerable, so stubborn. The night is spectacular, let me describe it for you. There is a full moon rising from the east, looking magnificent, not a cloud in the sky. The city lights are shining neon everywhere around us. We’re on the rooftop of the hotel, and we are the only guests here, so you don’t need to worry about anyone recognising us. The table has been set simply but is sophisticated, like you. I have ordered your favourite foods, your favourite wine, your favourite music. We are finally able to share these things in style with no expense spared. Alexa, I have longed for this moment with you and it is even more perfect in reality. I have you all to myself. You sitting there so still, bound and blind, being so brave, it is just melting my heart. I would release your wrists, but the vision of you sitting before me like this is giving me such a surprising hard on, I am selfishly savouring the moment a little longer.’

His words leave me speechless, my body responding as it would to his touch. I hear music floating around my ears.

‘May I have this dance?’ It appears to be a rhetorical question as I am escorted to my feet. He releases my wrists from behind my back only to refasten them together around his neck. It seems as if I’ll be dancing regardless. Does he honestly think I’m going to run away from a high-rise rooftop when I’m blind? The thought flitters flippantly through my mind … My brain finally recognises the riff that has been playing since our arrival. His hips start to move, I clumsily move with him, I don’t have much choice. He holds me close to him until we gain some form of synchronicity. He places my head on his shoulder and I can feel the smooth fibres of his shirt and, behind that, the heat from his chest. I’m intrigued by the specific choice of the song. I don’t resist the rhythm of his body. I inhale. I exhale. Words float into the music that he knows I love.

The saxophone, guitar, drums and percussion caress away the anxiety I experienced before, and I effortlessly glide in his arms as he leads me confidently around the dance floor. Jeremy carefully and skilfully dissolves my tension until I am literally melting into his arms. His touch is exquisite, not too much, not too little. The sexual chemistry cascading over our bodies is once again impossible to ignore.

We dance, we eat, we drink, we talk, we kiss, we laugh.

I am blind but no longer bound.

I allow myself to compartmentalise any fear I felt downstairs into a distant, shrunken corner of my mind. Maybe tonight is as much for him as it is for me, maybe it is about us, I don’t know. Finally the scales tip and I can say I am here now more by choice, rather than force. After feeding me dessert, an extravaganza of taste sensations: smooth, silky chocolate ganache, with a hint of something — orange perhaps or some other citrus — in crisp, buttery pastry, accompanied by a sticky
dessert wine. I am floating on air.

‘Alex, would you sing for me, while we have the band still with us?’

I smile at his question. ‘It’s been years since I have sung anything.’

‘Please, it is only us. Any song you choose. There is a guitar here for you.’

Jeremy used to love listening to my girlfriend Amy and I jam together on rainy Sunday afternoons. I was embarrassed at first but we became used to his presence on these occasions. Even though I have consumed a considerable amount of alcohol since my arrival, I’m surprised that I feel only a little tipsy, not drunk. Perhaps more hours have passed than I realise, or the degree of sheer emotion and nervous energy scorching through my body has burned off the alcohol. The idea of doing something I haven’t done for years suddenly appeals to me.

‘Why not? Just one song.’

He sounds surprised and excited that I agree so readily. I want to keep the mood this way rather than revert back to my previous antagonism. I think of the words of the songs we have just been dancing to and wonder what our relationship is really about, what it means to him? I remember a song we sang and which he used to love to accompany us with improvised percussion on saucepan lids. It was about best friends and was always special between us. Jeremy assists me with the guitar and I ask him to leave me with the band.

‘I’ll wait by the table. Enjoy!’ he encourages, as he kisses me on the cheek. It takes me a little while to get comfortable with the guitar and establish the right key. My fingertips have softened over the years from lack of playing; the strings feel
raw and hard against them as I adjust to the sensation and slide my hand along the neck of the guitar. I have to go on feel rather than sight but thankfully I know the words and chords by heart. I begin …

A tear trickles out of my left eye as I finish the song to resounding applause from the band. It felt incredible, to sing again, to play, to do something I thought I’d forgotten. I loved it! I’m euphoric as I blindly thank the band for the opportunity and they help me to put the guitar down. I can’t help but consider I would never have done this if I could see … As I stand up Jeremy swoops in to give me an all-encompassing hug.

‘That was fantastic. You were amazing!’ He pauses. ‘Is that emotion I detect on your cheek, Dr Blake?’

‘I think I found my voice again.’ I wonder why I use these words.

Another drop of emotion finds its way from my eye to my cheek. I can’t understand why I am feeling this way but singing and playing somehow strikes a chord in me, one that hasn’t been accessed for many years. I remember reading once that it was important to understand where your tears come from as they have a direct connection to your heart.

What is he doing to me? Another layer removed.

Jeremy lowers his lips to mine and before I can say anything, he kisses me so exquisitely and delicately, the effect so heavenly, that the feeling and memory will be etched in my psyche forever.

Our night on the rooftop comes to a close as I hear the members of the band pack up and say their goodbyes. I feel like I have been on a roller-coaster from the second I arrived in the hotel
foyer. I have never experienced such intense emotions in such a whirlwind period of time. I wallow in the sensation of the warm, gentle breeze and relax in Jeremy’s arms. To be honest, I feel exhausted fighting him and exhilarated being so close to him. Maybe I should just let go, like he wants me to. What would be the worst that could happen? He’d never put our professional reputations at risk, it means too much to him. And apart from that, I want to be with Jeremy. Mother, woman, wife, academic, all parts of me want Jeremy, have always wanted him if I’m completely honest with myself, and my body certainly requires no rationalisation. I desperately want to prolong the perfection of the moment we are sharing.

I am considerably calmer now. The ambience of the music, the singing, dancing, dining, kissing, and maybe even the darkness — though I’d never dare admit it — is simply intoxicating, like floating on air. I feel a warm, light energy within me, a sparkling essence that I don’t believe I have experienced before. It is an unnatural sensation for me, though I happily absorb its presence.

‘What are you thinking right now?’ Jeremy asks as he plays with my hands and lightly places his thumb over my bottom lip. I can tell he is in a playful mood.

I answer him directly. ‘I’m thinking I want you, right now.’

‘Oh, really?’ He laughs. ‘And do you think you can have me?’

‘Mmm, yes, actually I do, now that I have my hands back.’

I find his belt and unbuckle it, quickly undoing his fly and sliding his trousers down over his firm, round butt cheeks.

‘Do you need any assistance?’

‘I may not be able to see, Jeremy, but I know what I’m looking for.’

I sense his smile as I feel the considerable bulge rising from inside his underpants. I play a little before removing the obstacle they present. My palms longingly stroke the flesh of his cock, my fingers desperate to knead his balls. He groans in unison with my touch.

‘You still like it like this, after all these years?’ I inquire.

‘Some things never change.’

I lower myself to my knees, continue fondling his balls while firming my grip on the base of his penis and ever so gently dart my tongue back and forth on his tip, eliciting a slick of salty juice that casually cascades over his rim, and pause. His hands have caressed my hair until this point; now he firmly holds my head — for balance? From need? I steady myself with my palms gripping his firm, muscled buttocks and I continue to tease, taking a little more of him in my mouth, stroke by stroke. My tongue loses its focus and becomes hungry for him. My mouth is all-encompassing, his length teases the back of my throat and I readily welcome him in, his smooth, hard cock filling my mouth as I take him deeper and deeper.

I love doing this to him and I can’t deny the burning flame it ignites between my thighs as I continue to suck, now long, deep and strong. Jeremy groans loudly and I know he is close, nearly there. I ease off a little, playing, revelling in his need for me, before thrusting him wholly into the back of my throat and wrapping my lips around his base. I feel the throbbing before the explosion that almost comes into my mouth. At the last second, I pull my mouth away, still maintaining my grip on his balls. He convulses at his climax, while his liquid must be landing somewhere over my shoulder. I remain kneeling until he recovers and returns to reality and lightly kiss his tip before standing, licking the remaining residue. His breathing is heavy, uneven.

‘Why do you always pull out at the last minute? I would love you to swallow.’

‘You know I don’t like it.’

‘Have you ever tried?’

‘Not exactly, and I’m not planning to.’

‘So it’s not just me.’

‘No, not just you, Jeremy. It’s just not something I do.’

‘But it feels so unbelievable when you do everything else. It would be heaven if you swallowed.’ Ah, here is an opportunity; I wonder whether he is willing to negotiate.

‘Would you give me my vision back, if I said I’d swallow?’ I tease.

‘Ah, as tempting as that would be … well, let’s just say I’m loving you blind.’

‘Well, here we have an impasse,’ I conclude.

He kisses my mouth, long and deep as his hand creeps underneath my dress, finding and fondling my inner lips. His fingers begin to explore, to probe. I sigh, ensuring my hands are entwined around his neck, trying to resist the temptation to join him.

His fingers continue their magic and my legs loosen their grip and stability on the rooftop. ‘You will take me wholly and completely that way one day,’ he states with confidence.

‘We’ll have to see about that,’ I retort while sighing, attempting to stay upright.

‘Indeed we will.’ He laughs, as he eases his fingers from their mission and once again scoops me off my feet and carries me back to the room.

My dress is discarded before I register its removal and his fingers resume their conquest with greater intensity than where they left off on the rooftop. Jeremy’s skill and precision is even
more highly tuned than I recollect. Every shred of concentration leaves my mind and my moans echo within the silence of the room. As my brain has exhausted itself in its attempts to grasp the reality of the past few hours, my body greedily embraces the physical experience on offer. Eventually, I fall asleep, warmly snuggling into Jeremy’s embrace. A deep, calm, strangely gratifying sleep.