Devil’s in the Details (38 page)

It was a look I had seen a handful of times before when my significant other didn't believe the reasons why I had to leave for three or four days, or why I would come home so late smelling like I had just showered when I was supposedly just working late. It was the look of disbelief and goodbye. Alex had that same look even as she held me, and waking up alone, I knew I was now completely alone.

When the rectangle of light moved and became a strange oval shape, I rolled to sit up. I needed to get up and face what was next. Losing Alex would take me a while to get over. Maybe longer because of how much I loved her, but I knew at least I had been able to tell her the truth. And in time if I ever found someone who could compare to Alex, it would be easier to tell them about my scars.

Pushing up from the bed, I ran my hands over my messy hair, collecting it into a ponytail. I needed to shower but would do that after I finished the bottle of bourbon in the kitchen. Then I would call Dani to cancel my vacation and start booking me as many jobs as she could. I shuffled across the floor, my body physically ached from the emotional drain I experienced. My work would be the only way I could find the foundation I needed to stand on as I processed everything. The morbid way it centered me when I failed at being human.

I furrowed my brow as I remembered telling Alex I was a killer, hoping that in a way I could breach that subject slowly. Reveal the full truth that I was still a killer for my country.

Thinking that I could dance around the truth, that yes I had been a killer in a dire circumstance, but it was because of that day that being catalyst and the start of the killer I now had become. Either way, being able to finally admit it and say it aloud, it felt like I had tipped the world off my shoulder for a minute and I could finally breathe easier than I had in years. On a whole, being able to release the pressure of hiding what I was and the true story that the news and the others hid from the world with me, it was freeing. Freeing to a point that I felt like a shell of a human, an empty husk left aimless as to what I was going to do next. It was like I had to learn how to walk all over again.

I glanced at my phone sitting on top of the dresser, there were no missed calls or unread messages. I had to bite the inside of my cheek at the sudden rush of heartbreak. Alex never lied to me, but she couldn't keep doing this with me. I had taken her for granted for a year and only gave her three days of what she deserved, before I burnt us to the ground with one flick of a match. I rubbed my bleary eyes, not wanting to think any more of it. It already hurt too much and I knew the hurt would hover around my heart for a very long time.

Walking down the stairs, I kept my eyes to the floor as I moved to the kitchen. Only looking up to see the bourbon and my glass sitting as I had left them. Opting to stand in the den to try and stay somewhat sober as I showed and told Alex some of who I really was.

Skipping the glass, I picked up the bottle and trudged to the den. I wanted to shove all the memories from a day in May back into its grey plastic bin and shove it further into the closet. Maybe one day I would just burn all the shit and never look back. Looking back hurt not only me but those I loved.

In the den, taking a healthy morning drink from the bottle, my face scrunched up. My desk was clean. My medals were back in their box, placed neatly back against the wall under my diplomas. The file I had shoved in Alex's face sat underneath the Ziploc bag of patches and insignia. I swallowed hard, the bottle hovering by my lips as I felt even sicker, but not from the liquor I was dumping down my throat.

Alex had cleaned up before she left, just like the others before her.

Tipping the bottle back up I heard a familiar raspy morning voice, "French toast goes really well with bourbon."

My head spun around, locking eyes with tired blue ones staring back in mine. "Alex." My voice came forth like a puff of brittle air.

Alex was leaning against the door frame that separated the living room from the den. She was wearing the grey sweatpants and blue SeaBees sweatshirt she had stolen from me, and looked as exhausted as I felt.

She shrugged, "That's my name." Pushing off the door frame, she folded her arms and walked towards the kitchen. "I'll get started on breakfast. How about you put the bottle down and join me."

I didn't move, just followed her with my eyes until she disappeared around the corner. The sounds of pans and bowls being set on the kitchen counter broke my trance of staring. I dropped my hand holding the bottle, looking at it once more before setting it on the desk. I had to be either dreaming or severely hungover. Either way, I knew I should go to the kitchen and confirm which state I was in.

Alex had her head down when I entered the kitchen, dumping random ingredients into a large bowl, reading the side of a bag of powdered sugar as she held a spoon.

"You're still here." It wasn't a question, but a strange request for confirmation that she wasn't a dream or a figment resulting from too much bourbon, too early in the morning.

She raised her eyes from the box, nodding, "I am."

The tension between us was still thick and heavy, I dropped my head down, "Why?" I couldn't help ask it.

Alex set the box down, reaching for the three eggs next to the bowl, "I told you last night, Victoria. I’m never leaving you." Cracking each one, she looked up at me, "I may cry easily, but I don't scare easily. I am far too stubborn." Alex waited a second until she had my full attention, "And I am far too in love with you to be chased away."

I felt my eyes well up, surprising me that I had any tears left to give, "Alex, I..."

She shook her head, turning to wash her hands in the sink before trailing over to where I stood on the other side of the island. Alex faced me, staring deeply in my eyes so I would see she was being honest and genuine with me as she spoke, "I am in love with you Victoria Bancroft. Have been for a very long time." She shrugged, "I won't lie, last night…it was hard, hearing the story behind your scars. It broke my goddamn heart into a million pieces looking at the pictures of you wounded and scared, not being able to do anything about it." Alex continued to hold my eyes, "But I can do something now, I can be here for you now. With one exception, Victoria."

She took a step closer to me. "This, whatever it is in here." Her hand shot out and pressed against my heart, "That is holding you back, let it go, because I won't stay, I can't stay if you shut me out. I don't care about the past, because there is nothing I can do to change it." Taking another step closer, Alex placed her other hand on top of the first she placed against my now racing heart, "I can only change the future, I can only promise that as long as you let me in. There will be an us. You will never have to fear whatever it was you once did." Alex stopped, her jaw clenching as her eyes welled up, "Stop being afraid of me. Let me love you, Victoria."

I felt my jaw twitch. I didn't know what to say, there was too many things to be said in this moment. Tell her I that I loved her just as much, that I wanted us to work, that I was so afraid that she had left like the others, and a million other things. Instead, I covered her hands on my chest pressing them harder against my heart so she could feel exactly what she was doing to me. "No one has ever stayed after I told them anything about my past." I tilted my head up to look in glassy blue eyes, "I honestly don't know what comes next."

Alex dropped her head, moving to pull her hand free from under mine, when I grabbed them both and held them where they lay. Reaching up with my free hand, I pulled her chin up to look at me, "Alex, I mean. What comes next? Do we eat breakfast? Go apple picking? Sit in silence staring at each other?"

I smiled a bit when I saw her roll her eyes in the slightest. The tension in the air started to thin out as she looked back in my eyes, sniffling. "I've never gotten this far."

"I think first we have breakfast, since neither of us has eaten in a day. Then we sit in silence staring at each other." She looked up at the ceiling, "Or we can kiss and make up? Then eat breakfast and talk some more, because clearly there is a lot we still have to talk about." Alex's cute way of joking had been one of her fall backs to cut the tension between us into shreds. It was working now as I felt my heart finally ease up and allow the rest of my body to breathe.

I half smiled, dropping my hand from her chin and grabbing her elbow. "I can do that." I pulled Alex to rest against my body. Bending down, I kissed her delicately, whispering against her mouth, "Thank you for staying."

Alex leaned her forehead against mine, whispering back, "There's nowhere I ever want to be but with you, Victoria." She grinned as a tear slid down her cheek, I caught it with the side of my thumb, wiping it away, I pulled her back into my arms, shifting my hands until my right hand pressed against her back and I could feel her heart race.

Burying my face into her neck, I breathed Alex in deeply, closing my eyes. "There is nowhere else I want you to be, Alex." I pressed a light kiss against her neck and smiled when I felt her grin grow wider against my shoulder.

Chapter 12

Breakfast was mildly awkward. It was inevitable that it would be awkward after the night Alex and I had. I still had very little to say as I watched her make French toast, navigating around my kitchen like it was hers. Alex would look up at me every so often and ask where I kept the griddle and the spatulas. I would point and direct her, sitting down in silence with a hot fresh cup of black coffee to shake out the last of the bourbon I had drunk last night and first thing when I woke up. I watched her, letting it sink in that this was going forward. Alex and I were moving forward. She was staying and I couldn't scare her away, yet.

We ate in silence, staring at each other as we both struggled to find the words to break the ice and pick up whatever normal conversation we had left off at days ago. A conversation I think was about the simple things in life like planning a boring road trip, or going to a farmer’s market. I wanted to return to that conversation, but my thoughts were still stuck on last night and all the things I revealed.

Pushing my empty plate to the side, I glanced at Alex sitting next to me at the island, happily shoving the last few bites of her French toast in her mouth. I smiled, "That was really good, thank you." Alex nodded and kept chewing, turning her head to face me as I fidgeted with the napkin in my hands, "Um, so. I, uh, was thinking..."

"I need to go grocery shopping today, and after, I want you to come over to my apartment and look at the brochures I picked up for all those boring things I thought we could do on our time off." Alex said it softly, but with a firm conviction, like she wasn't going to give me an out or allow me to feel nervous.

I chuckled, shaking my head at the bulldog that was the brunette next to me, "I would like that." I stood up, collecting my plate and her now empty one, "I’m buying dinner tonight, deep dish pizza from the sports bar by your place." I raised my eyebrows, "And then I'll tell you about my awkward high school years?"

Alex grinned, wiping her mouth as she gave me a look, "I’m already picturing a nerdy Victoria, wearing big black framed glasses and sitting in the front of the class."

I closed up the dishwasher, walking back over to Alex, "Actually it was more like baggy jeans, Doc Martins and X-files t-shirts, and I hid in the back of the class to avoid teachers and classmates."

I looked down at the brunette, "Before you ask, yes I was an honor student. Straight A's from elementary until I graduated the Academy." I sighed when I saw the way Alex’s eyes lit up. I leaned down, kissing her cheek, "I'm going to get cleaned up, changed and then we can head to your place."

Alex snagged my arm as I pulled away, stopping me. "Victoria, I want today to be the first day." She held my eyes for a second before continuing, “Where we hold nothing back from this point on." Her eyebrows raised in silent question if I understood her.