Diary of a Mad Fat Girl (23 page)

“
Give me the pen!” he wails. “Give me
the pen you heartless bitch!”

“
Man,” I say, “you are so fucking
stupid. You’re more scared of your
mama
than you are a knife to your throat?” I
hand him the clipboard and he scribbles his name across the
highlighted lines. Chloe jerks the papers out of his hand and
stuffs them into her bag, along with the knife.

“
If you ever,” she says, “come near me
or say one bad word about me, you can rest assured that your fat
ass mother will not be the only one who finds out about your dirty
little secret. Understand?”

“
Yes, Chloe,” he moans. “I
understand.”

“
Let’s go,” she says.

We bolt out of his room and I grab a gurney
in the hallway. We run down to the room Lilly commandeered and find
it is surrounded by security guards and fire men. Chloe and I pull
our medical masks over our faces and push the gurney through the
crowd.

“
Sixth floor!” I yell. “Sixth floor,
mental health coming through!”

I hear Dr. Sebastian Rain in a heated
conversation with Deputy Dax Dorsett who is accusing the good
doctor of all matter of wrongdoing. The crowd parts to let us
through and I knock three times on the door and then tell everyone
to stay back. Lilly opens the door and Chloe pushes the gurney into
the room. Lilly jumps on the bed and I fasten the straps and she
throws a pillow case over her head and starts singing
Row, Row, Row your Boat
. I keep my
head down as we hustle our “patient” out the room and to the
elevator.

“
Excuse me,” Dr. Sebastian Rain yells,
“could you please stop a minute and let me see that
patient?”

“
No sir,” I say. “Doctor’s orders to
get the patient confined and subdued as quickly as possible.” We
push Lilly into the elevator.

“
I
am a
Doctor,” Sebastian Rain thunders and puts his hand out to stop the
doors from closing, “and I demand to see that patient!”

“
I
don’t give
a rat’s ass who you are,” I say and shove him back away from the
elevator doors.

“
You!” he growls.

“
You,” I say, “can go fuck
yourself.”

I see fury fill his features as the elevator
doors close.

“
Ace, shit!” Lilly yells, hopping off
the gurney, “Why did you do that? Now he’s going to call security
on us! Why in holy hell can you not ever just keep your damn mouth
shut?”

“
He was going to call security
anyway,” I yell back.

Chloe has her walkie-talkie to her face.
“Pick us up at the loading dock, George. We are on our way.”

“
On our way where?” I ask
Chloe.

“
To the basement and then we have to
run like hell to the other side of the hospital, raise the dock
door, and jump.”

“
How do you know that?” Lilly
asks.

“
Field trip last month,” she answers.
“Lilly you better lose the house shoes.”

When the elevator doors open, we haul ass
across the basement of the hospital and I start thinking about
every horror movie I’ve ever seen and get really freaked out. Then
all of the alarms start going off and I hear people coming after
us.

“
Pull that red string!” Chloe yells
and she slides to a stop next to the dock door. I pull the red
string and she pushes the lock back and the door flies open and I
look down at a five foot drop.

“
Shit!” I say.

“
Jump!” Chloe yells and over the edge
she goes, followed immediately by Lilly.

I look back and see the guards rushing
toward us then close my eyes and leap into the air. When I hit the
pavement, I’m sure I’ve broken both of my ankles and one of my
legs, but I get up and run to the Mercedes like a Biggest Loser
contestant toward a ten pound advantage prize. We pile in and
George hits the gas and we clear the area just as the police cars
round the corner. George doesn’t let off the gas all the way back
to The Waverly Estate and I finally exhale once we are inside the
gates. I’m pretty sure Sheriff Jackson would have hauled our asses
off to jail without so much as a smile.

“
Holy shit,” is all I can think up to
say.

“
Holy shit, indeed,” George says, and
smiles at me.

It’s almost midnight by the time I leave The
Waverly Estate. I drive straight to Ethan’s and call Mason.

“
I’m in the bed,” he
mumbles.

“
I’m in the driveway,” I say and in
less than sixty seconds, he’s sitting in my car. We don’t say a
word all the way back to my house. He follows me back to my
bedroom, gently nudges Buster Loo into the hallway, and closes the
door.

42

When the sun breaks through the curtains, I
am wide awake and my heart is churning with feelings I can’t get
under control. Most prevalent by far is the crazy, nervous feeling
of being madly in love with the snoring man stretched across my
bed.

I reach over and stroke his short blonde
hair and my mind spins off in a million different directions.

What have I done? Why did I do this? How
long has it been since I’ve had sex? Who was the last person I had
sex with? Why can’t I remember? What if I’m pregnant? What was that
weird move he made just before he finished? Do I want to marry him?
Should I make him leave or should I cook him breakfast? How many
hot young things has he bedded in the past three years? Why can’t I
remember the last time I had sex? What is he doing here? Why did I
go get him? Would he be mad if I woke him up to do it again?

I decide to make some coffee and try to sort
things out in my head before he wakes up. Buster Loo is standing in
the hallway when I open the door and he runs past me without so
much as a glance and rocket launches himself onto the bed where he
curls up next to Mason. Then he squints his eyes at me as if to
convey his dismay at spending the night in the hallway.

I go to the kitchen and put on some coffee
and I’m staring out the window trying to tame my crazed thoughts
when I feel Mason’s arms slip around my waist. He pulls my hair
back and kisses me gently on the neck. I turn around and he hugs me
tight, cradling the back of my head in his hand.

He pours two cups of coffee and hands one to
me. Smiling, he nods toward the patio and we go outside and sit
down. Buster Loo bursts through the doggie door and makes a real
scene of running around and doing his speedy dog crazy-eights twice
as fast as he usually does.

Mason looks at me and I look at my day
lilies and everything in my mind falls away and all I’m left with
is a pressing need to spend the rest of my life as Mrs. Mason
McKenzie.

“
So,” he says quietly and when I look
at him, my insides start to quiver. He cocks his head sideways and
says, “What did you say your name was again?”

I bust out laughing and so does he and we
sit and talk like old friends, laughing through two pots of coffee.
He helps me make breakfast and insists on doing the dishes while I
take a bubble bath. I soak in tub and try not to daydream about
happily ever after.

I hear him start the shower in the guest
room and five minutes later, he steps into the doorway of my
bathroom, wearing only a towel.

“
Are you gonna flash me?” I
ask.

“
No,” he says flatly, “I’m not the
kind of man that flaunts my baby carrot.”

I laugh out loud and say, “Baby carrot,
indeed.”

He raises his eyebrows and smiles, nodding
toward the bed. I tell him to close the door so I can get out. He
politely complies and I hop out of that tub, wrap a towel around
me, brush my teeth, and shake out my hair. I grab my bottle of
Sweet Cotton and spray my body down like I’m putting out a fire.
When I open the door, Mason is laying in my bed with the sheet
pulled up to his waist. His towel is in the floor and his baby
carrot has transformed into a cucumber. I saunter around to my side
of the bed and he starts sneezing like he just snorted a line of
black pepper.

“
What is that smell?” he says, rubbing
his nose.

“
Sweet Cotton,” I say,
cringing.

“
Oh God,” he says, “It smells great,”
he sneezes again, “but I think it’s got my allergies stirred up.”
He sneezes sixteen more times.

I go back into the bathroom, dejected, and
shower off half a bottle of Sweet Cotton. When I go back into the
bedroom, he’s on my side of the bed, reading Cosmo.

“
What are you doing?” I
ask.

“
Researching the enemy,” he says and
smiles. “Come here, baby, and let me smell that hair.”

“
Better not,” I caution as I slip into
bed beside him, “you might have another attack.”

He rolls onto his side, drapes his arm
around me, and leans down close to my face.

“
I might attack you,” he says and
pulls me up next to his cucumber.

43

After discreetly returning Mason to Ethan’s
house, I pull into the Red Rooster and pick up a cheeseburger and a
butterscotch shake. I’m about to indulge a big juicy bite when my
phone rings.

“
You are not gonna believe this!”
Lilly exclaims, before I even say hello.

“
What?”

“
Chloe just called me.”

“
Why wouldn’t I believe that?” I
ask.

“
It was a very short
conversation.”

“
I believe that too.”

“
Will you just shut up and listen?”
Lilly yells and I start sniggering. “Chloe just called and invited
us to visit her at 309 Parker Drive.”

“
What?” I almost choke to death. “What
the hell is she doing back there?”

“
She said it was moving
day.”

“
No shit,” I say and sigh with
relief.

“
No shit,” she says. “Can you meet me
there in 30 minutes?”

“
I will be there with bells on!” I say
and almost run over a car hop getting out of the Red Rooster
parking lot.

When I turn into Chloe’s subdivision, the
first thing I see is a 53 foot moving van backed into her driveway.
I park on the curb and go into the garage where I find Chloe
sitting on the steps of the attic drop door speaking to six men in
moving tee shirts. The moving men disperse and I just stand there
like a knot on a log, taking it all in.

“
They just got here,” she says
proudly, “and I’m taking everything.”

“
Really,” I say, “that is awesome,
Chloe.”

“
Not because I want it,” she says with
a smug grin, “but because I want the neighbors to see me taking it
and I know that’s not really a good reason, but-” she shakes her
head and tosses me a jug of weed killer. “Here, would you care to
spray the grass?”

“
Spray the grass?” I ask, looking at
her like she’s crazy.

“
Yes, you know that green stuff out on
the lawn,” she says pointing, “all of it. But don’t get any on the
shrubs,” she says. “The landscapers will be here any minute to
excavate those.”

“
You’re taking the shrubs?” Lilly
asks, joining us.

“
I’d take the bricks if I could get
them loose,” she says and turns to crawl up the ladder, then stops.
“I thought I’d get this done before Richard gets released from the
hospital because I’m afraid if we have another confrontation,” she
stops. “I’m afraid I might kill him.” She looks at me, then Lilly.
“I have so much anger, so much hate.”

I think she’s about to cry so I start trying
to think up something funny to say, but she pulls herself back
together and continues, “Lilly would you come up here and help me
throw this stuff down from the attic?”

“
Sure,” Lilly says, “absolutely,
Chloe, anything you need.”

“
Do you think it’s too much to spray
the yard?” she looks down at me with those big brown
eyes.

“
Oh, hell no!” I exclaim and pick up
the weed killer. “I think it’s the best idea ever!”

“
Do you really?” she asks, smiling.
“When I had the idea, I was thinking that you would be proud of me
for coming up with that.”

“
Oh yeah, Chloe,” I say, “when you
told me, I was standing down here thinking that I couldn’t have
come up with a better idea if I’d thought about it for a
week.”

“
Really?” she asks.

“
Really!” I say. “Let’s get this show
on the road.”

I pick up the weed killer and Lilly starts
climbing the stairs. She looks back at me with a questioning look
and I shrug, point my spray gun at her, and mouth the words “bang
bang.”

I’m in the backyard spraying weed killer on
Chloe’s perfectly manicured lawn when I hear shouting in the front
yard. I run around the side of the house and see that bridge troll,
Bobbie Sue Stacks, shouting at Chloe with her finger in her face. I
make it to the sidewalk just as three moving men step out onto the
front porch.

“
Everything okay, Mrs. Stacks?” one of
the men shouts.

“
You stop right now!” the elder Mrs.
Stacks shouts back. “This stuff belongs to my son!”

“
Everything is fine, gentlemen,” says
the younger Mrs. Stacks, “please continue moving
everything
from the house into the
van. Thank you.” She smiles that sweet smile of hers and the moving
man tips his hat and says, “Back to work guys.”