Diary of a Mad Fat Girl (19 page)

“
Can’t say just yet,” I say and he
nods in understanding because he’s a man and men don’t freak out if
they don’t have all the details all the time.

I go to my classroom, check my email, and
surprise of all surprises, I have been summoned to Catherine
Hilliard’s office during my lunch break for yet another ass
chewing. While this would normally ruin my day, today I can’t wait
to strut my stuff in that pig head’s office.

The morning creeps by and I fantasize
about letting the pictures fall out onto the floor where my
students could see them and then pretend it was an accident. The
rumor mill would burn itself to the
ground
running with news like that. But my
students have done nothing to deserve that kind of punishment, so I
forget that and try not to stare at the clock.

When lunch time arrives, I slide the
envelope into my purse and strike out to see the Principal. Her
door is closed, of course, so I take a seat in one of the red
plastic chairs in the narrow hallway.

My pulse is beating like a jungle drum and
my stomach is churning like I indulged in some lunchroom leftovers.
I strive to look unaffected as I lean back and take a long, deep
breath. I am determined to remain calm. I am determined to keep my
cool. I cross and uncross and re-cross my legs and wonder what she
would think if I walked in there and slapped those big yellow horse
teeth straight out of her mouth.

I try to think up something to think about
but the only thing that comes to mind is Mason hanging out at my
house and I am suddenly overcome with fear that he might find my
vibrator. That makes me more nervous than I already am and I start
laughing this crazy, ridiculous laugh and can’t stop so I start
thinking about those peacock shaped sugar cookies and wishing I had
about six dozen to eat right now to calm my nerves.

Catherine Hilliard opens her office door and
stands there looking like an Amazon gorilla in a mauve two piece
suit.

“
Something funny?” she
asks.

“
Nope,” I say and stand up and look
her square in the eye. I want to slap her jaws so hard it makes her
nose bleed.

“
I can see you now,” she says with a
smirk.

“
Why, thank you so much, Mrs.
Hilliard.” Instead of slapping her right in the face, I pop my
glossy lips and smile. “I’ve been looking forward to this meeting
all morning.”

“
Humph,” she mumbles and I get the
feeling she thinks I’m being sarcastic.

But I’m not.

She thinks she’s about to get me good.

But she’s not.

Not today.

Today the ass chewing will not go as
planned.

36

I take a seat and watch her cram that
corpulent ass into the double wide office chair that creaks and
moans under the pressure.

“
So, Miss Jones,” she says quietly,
“been to jail again I hear.”

“
I don’t know what you’re talking
about,” I lie in an effort to amuse myself.

“
I understand you had a gun in your
possession and used it to assault a fine, upstanding member of our
community.”

“
I don’t recall seeing a fine,
upstanding member of our community; but I did see that dirt bag
Richard Stacks and his maggot lawyer at a strip club.”

“
At a strip club,” she says with
palpable disgust.

“
Yes. Your fine, upstanding citizen
was inside a strip club in downtown Memphis with two topless girls
rubbing all over him and each other when we showed up with a
camera.” Her expression tells me that she was not privy to this
information.

“
That has nothing to do with the fact
that an employee of this school district was sent to jail on a
weapons charge,” she curls her upper lip, “at a
strip
club.”

“
It has everything to do with
it.”

“
Didn’t I tell you to mind your own
business?”

“
Didn’t I tell you that you are a scab
on the ass of humanity?”

“
So you want to do this the hard
way?”

“
I most certainly do.”

She places a yellow sheet of paper on her
dusty desk and pushes it over to me.

“
I verified with Shelby County that
you were indeed incarcerated and that alone is grounds for
suspension based on disorderly conduct and even though you haven’t
been officially charged yet,” she glares at me, “what you’ve done
already is grounds for termination regardless of what happens in
court.”

So this is how it feels. This is the moment
I’ve been dreaming about for three years. I am getting shit canned.
It’s really happening and, for some odd reason, I’m not the nervous
wreck I was last week when she threatened me with it. Quite the
opposite, in fact. I’m so excited I can barely breathe and, while
I’m anxious to get up and get out of there, I’m not leaving until I
butcher that super-inflated ego of that pig-nosed heifer.

“
Well, I have something for you as
well, Mrs. Hilliard,” I say and reach for my bag. She rolls her
eyes as I pull out the stack of photos. Smiling, I flip to the one
I like best, which a shot of her with her legs spread eagle and
Ardie’s lumpy little skull pressed into the gap. I turn it around
so she can see it and the look on her face makes my heart flutter
with joy and triumph.

“
Miss Jones,” she says, reaching for
the yellow slip, “perhaps termination can be avoided.”

I snatch up the yellow piece of paper and
stuff it deep inside my purse.

“
I don’t think so Mrs. Hilliard,” I
say and flip over a few more pictures for her to see, “because you
are going to
fucking
fry for
this.” I put the pictures back in my purse and get up to
leave.

“
Ace,” she says, lurching out of her
chair and banging into the filing cabinet. “Graciela, uh, Miss
Jones, please sit down and let’s talk about this. I need to know
where those came from. Please,” she pleads. “I’m sure we can all
work something out. We can come to some kind of
agreement.”

“
Really, Mrs. Hilliard,” I say, like
I’m considering it.

“
Yes,” she says, “Yes, of course,
please sit down. There is something I need to show you.” She starts
poking around in the back of her desk drawer, no doubt looking for
the “L.L.” folder that Lilly and I stole last week, but she comes
up empty handed and visibly frustrated. “I know it’s in here
somewhere and it’s very important that I find it because it might
clarify a few things for you.” She starts to look panicked and I
stand in the doorway and bite my tongue because, unless she’s
planning to look in Lilly’s panty drawer, she won’t find that
folder.

“
Mrs. Hilliard, I really must get
going. I need to clean out my room before the kids come back from
lunch and start asking questions.”

“
No! No, please sit down, Graciela.
Have you had coffee this morning? Can I get you some
coffee?”

I smile because I
own
her now and, even though owning Catherine
Hilliard is kind of like owning a sewer rat, it’s gratifying to
watch her squirm.

“
I don’t drink coffee,” I say and turn
to go.

“
Please, Ace, please just have a seat.
Please!”

“
Oh, okay,” I say and step back toward
the chair and she looks so relieved I almost laugh out loud. I turn
on my heel and say, “Did you think I was going to sit back down?
Because I wasn’t going to.”

“
Graciela, please, I beg you. Let’s
talk about this woman to woman. I’m sure we can work out some kind
of a deal.”

“
The only deal you could interest me
in is
your
lips on
my
ass,” I say as I walk out the
door.

“
What do you plan to do with those,
Ace Jones?” she yells, flipping back to bitch mode. “I will call
the law and have you arrested for stalking.”

“
Do it,” I say and keep walking, “and
they can mark these pictures Exhibit A.”

I hustle out of there because I know I’ve
only got few minutes before the bell rings. I run into Coach
Hatters’ room and tell him what happened and he follows me into my
classroom and helps me pack up a few things.

“
What about your classes?” he
asks.

“
They’re all working on independent
projects for the art fair,” I reply, “and Mrs. Jennings, you know
her? She’s a retired art teacher and that’s who they’ll get to
replace me until the end of the year, so they’re in good hands.” I
look around my classroom and feel a pang of sadness. “Man, I’m
gonna miss my kids, Hatt.”

“
You have to come back for the art
fair.”

“
I wouldn’t miss it for the world,” I
say, “and if any of these guys need me, they know where to find
me.”

“
They’re going to be really upset when
they find out you’re gone,” Hatter says, looking at his feet. “I’m
gonna miss you too, Ace,” he starts kicking a pencil around in the
floor, “and with you and Lilly and Chloe all gone, I’m gonna get
lonely here.”

“
Aw, Hatt, you’re so sweet,” I say and
look around my classroom, wondering if this is the last time I’ll
ever be in here. It sucks a little bit, but then so does feeling
like my career is a plastic bag wrapped around my face.

“
I better run,” I say, giving him a
quick hug. “Don’t worry. Chloe and Lilly will be back. It’s only a
matter of time.”

“
But not you?”

“
Not if I can help it,
Hatter.”

He nods and I walk out the door to find
Catherine Hilliard waiting for me in the hallway.

“
Miss Jones, there has been a mistake
on your paperwork, could you please come back to my
office.”

“
Mrs. Hilliard,” I say, “Go to
hell!”

And I walk down the hallway and out the
door.

37

I go home, put on some comfortable clothes,
and call Lilly to see what she’s doing. Turns out it’s not Deputy
Dax. Maybe he wasn’t all that impressed with us going to jail after
getting into a tussle in the parking lot of a strip club. At any
rate, we agree that today is the day to deal with our turncoat
friend, so I go to her house and pick her up and we head to the
Stacks’ residence.

I park at the community playground and we
scamper across the street to 309 Parker Drive. I peek in the garage
and see Chloe’s shiny white Lexus SUV parked in one bay. The other
two are empty. I give Lilly a thumbs up and we walk up the steps to
the front door.

After seventeen rings and a full nine
minutes, I finally hear the lock move. When Chloe opens the door,
Lilly steps back and nearly falls off the porch and I gasp and
cover my mouth.

Chloe’s hair looks like she cut it herself
with meat shears in a dimly lit room. There is no trace of make-up
on her face and her skin is pallid and pale as a ghost. She looks
like she’s lost about 25 pounds which would put her weighing in at
around 85 and she’s wearing some kind of gray silk wrap that looks
like a cross between a kimono and a sarong.

“
What are you doing here?” she demands
and looks at us like we’re trying to sell her a set of
encyclopedias and that pisses me off because we have been through
hell and high water for her.

“
Why did you change your phone number
again?” I fire back. “And why haven’t you called either of
us?”

“
Because you are both a bad influence
on my marriage.”

“
What the fuck are you talking about?”
I snap and Lilly steps forward to take control of the
conversation.

“
Chloe, we need to talk to you. It’s
very important.”

“
No, you need to leave right
now.”

“
Chloe, we’re your friends,” Lilly
pleads.

“
Not anymore,” she says like a zombie
and tries to close the door.

Lilly steps back but I wedge my foot into
the doorway.

“
Hold on just a minute, Chloe!” I
yell. “I don’t know what kind of drugs you’re on right now, but you
are going to let us in and you are going to listen to
us.”

“
I’ll do no such thing,” she squeals
like a child and starts banging the door against my foot and that
turns into a pretty painful experience because I’m wearing flip
flops. I drop a shoulder against the door and push it open. Chloe
falls back onto the parquet floor of her foyer, screaming and
waving her arms like a mad woman. I grab Lilly by the arm, jerk her
in the house, and slam the door shut behind us.

“
Uh, Ace,” Lilly mumbles as I rub my
throbbing foot, “I don’t think this is what Gloria Peacock had in
mind when she said to handle this gently.”

“
Shut up, Lilly,” I say, standing on
one leg like a chubby sea gull. “Just shut up!”

Chloe jumps up like cat and runs for the
phone screaming how she’s going to call the police and have us
arrested.

“
Oh, hell no! I’m not going back to
jail,” I yell at her, then grab her by the arms and shake her for a
second. “Snap out of it, Chloe! What the hell is wrong with you?
Who the hell
are
you?”

“
Who the hell are
you
,” she screams, “to break into my house and
assault me? I have started over. I have started a new life and you
are not a part of my new life.”
“She has lost her damned mind,” Lilly whispers.