Diary of a Mummy Misfit #1 (16 page)

Ned giggled a bit at this and I wanted to thump him - quite hard.

When I finally managed to get a word in I pointed out that the things Lou was saying were as bad as the things the Gnome had said about the school charity - it was almost reverse snobbery.

“Sorry Lou but you’re making a huge generalisation”, I continued.  “Obviously some of them are really up themselves but there’ll be some decent ones - take Fenella, she’s loaded but she’s lovely.  You’d really like her.”

“Oh yeah. FEN-ELL-AAH”, Lou slurred sarcastically in her best ‘Queen’s English’. “Fenella, Fenella, Fenella.  That’s all we ever bloody hear now.”

Even though I was beginning to feel a bit pie-eyed myself, I suddenly realised what all this was about.  Lou didn’t really have an issue with the school.  She was just jealous of my new friend.

Remember pouring myself another glass of wine - why do I do that when I know I’ve had enough?  And then I retaliated with, “Oh grow up Lou.  So I’ve got another friend.  So what? That doesn’t mean you’re not still my
best
friend.  What the hell’s wrong with you, can’t you share?”

Had obviously pushed it too far this time because Lou stood up, knocked her chair to the floor and, with a “Piss off Libby,” made her way upstairs.

Cam
then spoke up, “Fancy a wee whisky, Ned?  To celebrate the fact that the lassies’ yearly blow up is oot of the way.  Look on the bright side, we can relax for the rest of yer holiday.”

Have vague recollection of pushing back my chair while abandoning my own dignity with the same ‘eloquence’, and hissing, “Oh piss off Cam” as I too went upstairs.

Which only proves how alike Lou and I really are.

Friday 11
^th
July

As ever, the argument blew over as quickly as it started and our husbands breathed a sigh of relief.  That’s the great thing about our friendship.

Lou admitted her jealous insecurities and I promised I wouldn’t neglect her and go all snooty on her.  She made me swear I’d still be her bargain hunting buddy and definitely wouldn’t set foot in Prada or Emporio Armani - fat chance!

Oh and I also had to vow never to use words like ‘school run,’ ‘play-date’ and, a new one, ‘marvellous’.  God she drives a hard bargain.

And just for good measure she said if I ever broke any of those rules she’d make sure that our ridiculously titled ‘Slag’s Almanac’ would be posted on the internet in
my
name. (This being a daft set of tips for disorganised girls to get by in life, which we used to refer to during our mad college days).

Told her there was no way I would risk even slightly
bending
the rules with that as a threat.  No one must ever know that I’ve washed my feet with my tights on just to save time.

Or that I’ve picked off dried, manky bits of mascara from the night before and just slapped a fresh coat on.

She hugged me, knowing she had me exactly where she wanted me.

Crafty cow!

Saturday 12
^th
July

The holiday passed too quickly with trips to parks, long walks and visiting monuments (very proud of her history, our Lou!)

Cam and Ned had a trek up one of the hills yesterday, which brought them back knackered and feeling they deserved celebratory ‘hot shots’.  When they realised there was no Galliano left they set off to the Co-op - along with a list from Lou for bog roll, sugar, ketchup, onions and milk.

They returned quickly with Lou’s requests, sans Galliano - we’d drunk the Co-op dry, the helpful cashier told them!  So off they went in Cam’s car to search Tilly and surrounding areas for alcoholic supplies - and another bag of essentials for Lou: A chicken, potatoes and a selection of veg (dinner had been forgotten again).

Lou and I settled down to relax with a bottle of wine but spent most of the time taking it in turns to tell the boys off.  Finn was convinced that Max had stolen his Buzz Lightyear and wasn’t prepared to give in until he admitted it.  Lou and I both agreed that Max certainly didn’t look guilty but despite a careful search of the house, couldn’t find it anywhere.

When Ned and Cam eventually returned about an hour and a half later (Lou had called them several times on the mobile to make sure they weren’t dying in a ditch somewhere) they could barely speak for laughing.

They’d tried just about every known off-license for miles but none had any Galliano.  They were just heading to their final option when, as they hit a speed bump, a voice from the back of the car announced, “This is an inter-galactic emergency!”  Buzz’s comic timing was perfect and he obviously realised the importance of their mission.

Happy evening had by all - the men had Galliano, Finn had Buzz back, Max was off the hook and Lou and I were friends again. (Until the next time).

Sunday 13
^th
July AM

Sadly our Scottish break is over and am scribbling as we drive.

Lots of tears as we said goodbye - the time together always passes too quickly.

Lou, as usual, said that they’d come to us next.  But I know she won’t - she’s too terrified of being bombed or mugged in the ‘Big Smoke’.  ‘What if…?’ should definitely be put on her headstone.

She gave Max a new Beatles CD for the journey home (thank goodness) and me a little notebook she’d entitled ‘The Normal Mummies Guide to Life’.

In it she’d written tongue-in-cheek tips, such as:

Wear your second hand goods with pride - remember
you
weren’t daft enough to pay full price for them.

Always wait until you receive the final reminder for the
ridiculous
school fees - while it’s in your account, it’s making money.

(Think that’s the Scottish in her)

Never drink too much champers at a school do - you know what you’re like, you’ll only burp or fart.

Try to remember to get dressed every morning
before
taking Max to school.  You’re not at college now and pyjamas under a coat are
not
acceptable - the only mothers to get away with it will be wearing mink, which you must never own.

Your posh totty friend, Fenella
has
got a point.  Keep that gorgeous Pritesh as a back-up.  They’re all wankers so if Ned ever does the dirty on you (which I doubt) you’ll never be short of batteries or someone to change your fuses.

Had a little cry when I read the inscription in the front;

To my best friend Lib.

Always remember you’re as good as them, if not better.

They may have money but you’ve got class.

Love you, Lou.

PS:  If it all goes pear-shaped, I promise I won’t say, “I told you so.”

PM

Home and shattered.

Now have ‘Ob-La-Di-Ob-La-Da’ going round in a loop inside my head. 
Thanks Lou!

Mum did a great job of looking after Dog and pups and leaves tomorrow.  As predicted, the house has been cleaned to within an inch of its life.

Objected slightly when she said she’d been through my underwear drawer and thrown out half my knickers.

Oh well, a small price to pay for a thorough spring clean.

Monday 14
^th
July

Mrs S happy to have us home and updated me on her pickle status - 203!  Told her maybe it’s time to stop now but she wouldn’t hear of it.  “Oh no, Libbybeta.  I will be needing to meet my market.  My Pritesh says it will not be good for me to be running out of stock.”

Think he’s just relieved that she’s got something to keep her occupied.  He’s even got her coming up with ideas for snazzy labels to advertise ‘Ba’s Kitchen’.

Spent the morning unpacking and washing - nice to have no other cleaning to do.

Puppies are gorgeous and I can’t believe how much they’ve grown in a week.  Be sad to see them go off to their new homes next month.  Another chapter draws to a close.

Took Max to the park to feed the ducks, go on the swings, ride his bike and play in the sand pit.

All of our friends are away and London is a lonely place when you’re doing everything on the cheap.

Feel a long stint of park visits coming up.  With any luck the weather will be kind but it can be pretty soul destroying to know the highlight of each day is a latte in the café, alone, because Max will have forged new playground friendships - so easy when you’re a child.

And so begins my summer break …

GESTATION

Monday 18
^th
August AM

Hooray, hooray, hooray.

Fenella will be back from her long holiday tonight and I’ll have some adult company for the remaining school break.

35
days of trips to the park, play dough modelling and U cert’ films would almost be enough to break anyone’s spirit - but not
mine!

Not to mention the cry of “What we doing today Mummy?” or “Can we make Lego houses?” or the classic, “I’m bored.  What can I do?”

But have I let it get me down?  Nope.  Because I have things to look forward to.

I’ve got my new friend coming home, Max’s party to look forward to tomorrow, the wedding on Saturday and my birthday party next week.

Feel like I’m emerging from hibernation and welcome the chance to be busy again.

Just remembered - spent so many hours trying to compensate for Max not having a ‘proper’ summer holiday by being the perfect mum, I’ve fallen a little behind with my preparations.

TO DO - UPDATE LIST

Finish making the party bags out of faux fur (picked up at the Pound Shop, my favourite and much needed bargain haunt) Add ‘doggy name tags’ to each - only 12 to go!

Think the ‘Dog theme’ works and that the chocolate button ‘Good Boy Chocs’ and bone shaped biscuits will be taken in good humour.

Hope that no one’s seen the super-cute stuffed dogs I also got at the Pound Shop but then tarted up with a bit of fancy ribbon.  Must have been my lucky day - they were
two
for a pound!

Ice birthday cake.

Brush up on ‘Delilah lines’.

Make wedding cake!

Buy oasis ready to do wedding flowers -
check
Fenella’s still available to help Friday pm
.

Get hat to go with gorgeous lace dress I picked up at ‘The Frock Exchange’. 
Must be overtly theatrical or Nic will have a hissy fit
.

Hunt down fantastic dress for my birthday party -
must make me look no older than 30 and at least a couple of kilos lighter.  Surely someone’s created one by now?

Ned to put up mini gazebo we picked up in the Argos sale -
in case of rain tomorrow.  Hope we can squeeze all the kids under it if necessary
.

Oh yes, yes, yes.  Heaven!  Things to do again.

Rather a lot of things to do in fact.

Perhaps I’ve left just a little
too
much to the last minute?

Off to have a coffee and panic.

PM

Can’t actually hold my pen properly as my fingers are so sore from stitching the party bags - why did I ever think they’d be a good idea?  Next time, I’m buying them like everyone else - the saving wasn’t worth it.

Glass of wine, another panic, finish the birthday cake and then clean the house before bed.

Tuesday 19th August  AM

Max’s birthday party.

Gloriously hot day, thank goodness.  Just as well I kept the receipt for the gazebo- return expertly refolded tomorrow, for refund.  Yess!

No time to write - got sandwiches to make that won’t get eaten and jellies that will.

Must also start to ‘become’ Delilah. Ned will never forgive me if I’m not convincing.

PM

Totally shattered but really pleased with ourselves.

Party was a huge success.  Several children were heard telling their mothers that it was the best they’d ever been to.

Slightly worried that one mum asked if I could give her the number to book the same puppet show for her son’s party.  Still, I suppose we should be flattered.

Fenella said the show was “absolutely marvellous” (sorry Lou!) and that if we ever needed to subsidise Ned’s income, we’d found our vocation.  Ha ha!  And Mrs S said she laughed so hard she almost had a ‘little leakage’ - too much info, Mrs S.

Ned was feeling quite chuffed with himself and I think he felt a sense of loss as he dismantled the puppet theatre and contemplated the idea of going back to the office tomorrow.  His day off work spent in the limelight as a puppeteer was well and truly over.

Too tired to cook so finished off the dried up, curled sandwiches with a bottle of wine in the garden.

Knew what a good job we’d done when Max popped down from his bed and hugged us both saying, “Thank you.  That was the coolest party ever.  Can I have the same again next year?”

Could almost see Ned mentally contemplating the next script and deciding on a re-furb for the theatre.

Who says you can’t have fun on the cheap?  Just totted up the figures and we managed to hold a very successful party for 18 kids for about sixty quid.

Off to bed feeling quite smug.

Wednesday 20
^th
August AM

Went to Fenella’s to try on some of her hats - honestly, that woman could start up her own agency.  She’s got them for every occasion, in every colour, style and shape.

“Oh but I rarely wear them, Lib.  I just can’t resist them.”  She giggled.  “Actually, hats don’t really suit me because I’ve got the most peculiar shaped head but it’s just so nice to take them out of their boxes once in a while!”

Mad as a hatter, I tell you.

She confided that every now and then she sells one off at a dress agency so that she can pay parking tickets or fines for dodging the congestion charge without Josh finding out.

“I suppose they’re a bit like my own secret insurance policy,” she added.

Well, thank heavens for loopy friends because I’ve now borrowed the most delicious hat in cream and black silk - it’s huge and perfectly OTT for Nic & Rick’s big day.  Can’t believe it’s come around so quickly and that I have, pretty much, everything under control - just the cake and flowers to go.

Max stayed at Fenella’s for the afternoon so took the opportunity to go home and make a start on the cake. Wonder if there’s a patron saint of wedding cakes?  If so, I hope they’re on duty in my kitchen this afternoon. What would they be called?  ‘Saint Self-Raising’?  ‘Saint Fluffily-Light’?

PM

Ned came home to a slightly manic wife.

‘Saint Burnt-to-a-Cinder’ had obviously been in charge today.

Why is it I can churn out mouth-watering cakes by the tin load but the one time I need perfection, I make a complete balls up of it?

I’d practised the cake several times over the summer and
every time
it was perfect.  Just not
this time
.

And that’s why Ned came home to a smoke filled kitchen and a wife sporting flour, chocolate and a demented frown.

“Go and pick Max up from Fenella’s.”  Was all I could muster.  “And don’t expect any dinner tonight cos the oven’s on the blink.

Think I heard him mumble something about a workman and his tools as he left.

Couldn’t be sure, as the smoke alarm started to wail.

Thursday 21
^st
August  AM

Ned had to eat humble pie - there wasn’t anything else on the menu anyway - our oven has officially breathed its last.

We figured out that the thermostat had packed up so the oven just kept getting hotter and hotter (hence burnt cakes -
not
my fault) until it finally burnt itself out. Think, after yesterday, I know how it felt.

Am off to use Fenella’s Aga today.  Or should I say, I’m off to
prepare
the cake for
Fenella
to put in the Aga. My last experience with one of the wretched things was in a holiday cottage with Lou & Cam, and it took two hours to boil eggs - became known as the ‘take-away break’ - for obvious reasons.

PM

Had a surprisingly relaxing time at Fenella’s this afternoon - the cake cooked to perfection and is now awaiting assembly and decoration tomorrow.