Diary of an Expat in Singapore

Diary of an Expat in Singapore

Jennifer Gargiulo

© 2013 Jennifer Gargiulo

Published by Marshall Cavendish Editions
An imprint of Marshall Cavendish International
1 New Industrial Road, Singapore 536196

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National Library Board, Singapore Cataloguing-in-Publication Data: Gargiulo, Jennifer.
Diary of an expat in Singapore / Jennifer Gargiulo. – Singapore : Marshall Cavendish Editions, 2013.
pages cm
eISBN: 978 981 4516 73 0
1. Gargiulo, Jennifer – Anecdotes. 2. Aliens – Singapore – Anecdotes 3. Singapore – Social life and customs – Humor. I. Title.
JV6091
305.90691 – dc23          OCN 848549666

Printed in Singapore by Markono Print Media Pte Ltd

Preface

Acknowledgements

1. Signs you’re an expat mom in Singapore

2. Signs you’re an expat dad in Singapore

3. Signs you’re an expat kid in Singapore

4. Politically incorrect expat profiling

5. Stuff first-time visitors to Singapore say

6. Signs you’re in a taxi in Singapore

7. Signs you’re at a Starbucks in Singapore

8. Stuff expat moms in Singapore say

9. More stuff expat moms in Singapore say

10. Signs you may have overstayed

11. More signs you may have overstayed

12. Uniquely Singapore (Part 1)

13. Uniquely Singapore (Part 2)

14. Do’s and don’ts when you’re a kid in the Maldives

15. Signs you’re at a hair salon in Singapore

16. Things I do instead of working on my book

17. Signs you’re living in a condo in Singapore

18. Signs you’re at a nail salon in Singapore

19. Signs you’re not slumming it in Singapore

20. Life according to Eliot (expat child, age 5)

21. Stereotypes about Singapore that are actually true

22. A day in the life of an expat in Singapore

23. Favourite landmarks in Singapore

24. Signs your kids need a Chinese tutor

25. Things my mom told the kids (which she didn’t really have to)

26. Things an expat kid wants to do instead of swimming at 7 a.m. on a Saturday

27. Signs you’re an expat spending Christmas in Singapore

28. Fun things to do with kids during the holidays in Singapore

29. Signs you’re at an international school

30. Stuff expats in Singapore like

31. More stuff expats like

32. Stuff posh expats in Singapore like

33. Random things I learned living in Singapore

34. If ‘Downton Abbey’ were set in Singapore

35. Signs you’re at Changi Airport

36. Signs you’re homesick

37. Signs you’re about to travel home

38. Signs you’re an expat studying Chinese

39. Parents’ coffee morning Singapore-style

40. In transit: 24 hours in Singapore

41. Signs you’re at a grocery store in Singapore

42. Stuff expats find somewhat disconcerting about Singapore

43. Signs there’s a hazardous haze in Singapore

44. Expat’s Bucket List

About the author

T
HIS IS NOT
a diary, nor a journal. In fact, this is not even the book I wanted to write. I was thinking of something more along the lines of Ernest Hemingway’s ‘A Moveable Feast’.

I guess this is what happens when you are not single, living in Paris, or an alcoholic. You write a blog instead. If you’re incredibly lucky, an editor stumbles upon it and sees something you don’t: a book.

I remember announcing the day we found out we were moving to Singapore, a country I knew nothing about: “Okay, but just one year.”

That was seven years ago. Prophetic as always.

After a few months, I started recording the little things: the trivial, the dreams, the mundane. I wasn’t expecting anybody to actually follow the blog, well, maybe a few readers (mostly blood relatives). Surprisingly, it started getting daily hits in the hundreds; I was pretty sure these were people googling “dumplings” or “tropical island in Southeast Asia” who had gotten there by mistake.

The one thing I’ve learned so far is that being an expat is more a state of mind than a location; hopefully, this book will accompany you there.

E
VEN THOUGH
I was the one doing the actual procrastinating and drinking coffee, I still want to thank some people who helped me along the way:

My awesome editors at Marshall Cavendish, Justin Lau and Melvin Neo, who had a vision from the very beginning and most importantly got all my jokes.

My friends, who never failed to instill fear in me by asking: “Are you finished?”

My parents, Mario and Norma, for their love and support.

My brothers, Stephen (blog statistics expert) and Julian (soul-crushing first reader).

My children, Alexander and Eliot, who never minded when I channelled my inner Oprah (usually after finishing a chapter): “You get a car! You get a car!”

And finally, my optimistic husband, Michele, who plans on retiring and living off the royalties from this book.

You measure distance in taxi-minute terms.

This metric system, unique to Singapore, is very useful for those without a car. Measuring distance in taxi minutes (and more importantly, taxi dollars) can help the expat mom gauge which birthday parties her kids will be attending, and consequently, which friendships to encourage. Sleepover in JB (Johor Bahru)? I don’t think so. Some friends might call this cynical but the expat mom calls it practical. One needs to follow a certain criteria when selecting friends. That’s where taxis can help.

You decide that your morning walk to drop the kids off at school is close enough to taking a bikram yoga course.

Bikram yoga is a type of yoga done in 40°C heat, a walk in Singapore is also done in 40°C heat. Throw in the 100% humidity factor and you’ve got yourself a party. On the plus side: walking is free. Wearing blue jeans? Not advisable. The expat mom will initially shrug off naysayers with a casual “I’ve seen worse.” True enough, but has her hair? If her goal was looking like Marge from ‘The Simpsons’… things are looking good.

If you hear the term
trailing spouse
one more time…

Unless you’re Wordsworth waxing lyrical about
trailing clouds of glory
in his ‘Intimations of Immortality’, you’d best refrain from using the term
trailing
when describing the expat mom. She’s not too keen on being a trailing anything. You may refer to her as a
trailblazer
. This will go over much better. Not as much as using the words
Bali, villa,
and
rental
all in the same sentence, but far better than when she discovered the house came without a dishwasher.