Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission (74 page)

When we were first together and I was being introduced to the Scene, we went to an S&M group which had a mixture of heterosexuals, male tops, female bottoms, female tops, male bottoms, gay men, top and bottom, lesbians, tops and bottoms. They have a bondage beauty contest, and I entered. It was the first time that I did exhibitionism. It was a very strange feeling—[embarrassment at] what I was having to do and excitement from people looking at me, exposing my most personal areas. Traditionally, S&M seems to be tied into black leather—that harsh black look. My partner and I prefer femininity. We [broke] tradition. I got one of my good dresses, a wedding dress that we picked up, and it was very femme: It had an elastic top that I was able to pull down under my breasts—[actually] my partner pulled it down—and I had nipple clamps on my nipples, connected to chains. I had a collar on, with a chain coming from that; I had wrist cuffs on, with chains; and ankle cuffs on, with chains. My ankles were connected to a spreader bar, [so] that my legs were spread as far apart as they could go. I’d never done [anything like] it in my life. I would peep and look at these people looking at me, men and women, and it was really quite the thrill. I really liked it. We won. It was really very interesting because most of the people there wear black and do traditional rope bondage. But my partner has this artistic eye: The whole thing was visually unique to that club. We won [prizes for] Most Erotic, Most Artistic, Best of Show. It was amazing.

At S&M parties people go to see and be seen. It is very much like sex theater. I [also] enjoy getting to watch. That’s what’s so neat about these parties. [Ordinarily], you see somebody who you’re attracted to and just sneak a peek at them: Society teaches us not to gawk. [At] these parties, you can sit and gawk all you want and people enjoy it. That’s why they’re doing it. To be a voyeur is great fun. You get these images in your head: There’s
an energy that goes around the room. You feel this sexual tension going on—to be able to share in that, you take it home with you. It builds up. It pushes you further in[to] your own sexuality. It pushes you into more passion.

People think [S&M] is about pain. There is pain involved for some people, but that’s their choosing. It scares straight people, because they see it as something evil. I don’t think of that at all. It can be great fun, and it connects us with the child part of us who wants to play [and] pretend. I think particularly in the world today, with all the diseases out and people being less active with multiple partners, it’s a great way to expand your own sexuality with your partner. To go to these parties is a great way to enjoy other people’s sexuality without having to be intimate with them.

I consider myself trisexual: If it’s sexual, I’ll try it. Basically, I’m straight but have definite bi tendencies. I’ve been in sexual situations with transvestites, so I guess that classifies me as bi. I’m also switchable. I enjoy both dominant and submissive roles and have played both. My interest in bondage and D&S is not at all extreme: I’m not into pain or anything really stringent. Much more toward the “soft,” loving scene, sensuousness, prolonged teasing.

My spouse knows that I have been interested in D&S, bondage, and fetishism, but is not comfortable with it. At one point, fairly early in our marriage, I showed her some bondage photos, but she wasn’t interested. My wife does not participate in any of my activities. Unfortunately, I have to pursue my interests outside of our relationship. Therefore, D&S doesn’t play as large a role [in my life] as I’d like it to. I suppose I’ve participated in what I’d consider full-scale D&S scenes about four or five times, and most of those have been within the last two years.

I’ve always been attracted to fetish dressing, especially stockings, boots, heels, and such. I used to buy the magazines—like
Tip Top
—when I was 16. For as long as I can remember, I’ve been attracted to exotic forms of sexuality. [Although] my interest in latex dates from an early age, I didn’t realize it till I was about 30 or so. That’s when I started using rubber to masturbate with. I disclosed this interest to my wife, and she got somewhat involved. About ten years ago I bought about a thousand dollars’ worth of rubber clothing. We got dressed up together for a year or so, but somehow this activity fell by the wayside. I still have a few pieces—the stuff tends to deteriorate over time—and dress in them by myself.

I own several pieces of latex clothing, primarily undergarments, panties, tights, bloomers, and some specialty items, such as pants with built-in anal probes, built-in cock sheaths. I have some nipple clamps and quite a few
genital-bondage devices, crotch harnesses, cock rings, ball stretchers, two or three anal vibrators, a set of anal beads—I love those—and quite a bit of enema equipment: an in-line bulb pump, several bags, hoses, a few different kinds of nozzles. My fantasies include having a complete room set up for sexual activities, with bondage gear, masturbation devices, collections of erotica, mirrors, plumbing.

The incorporation of fetish gear into a scene is primarily the prerogative of whoever is in charge. When I’m with [my mistress], I bring some of my toys, especially the genital-bondage equipment, and some of the more feminine frilly things: panties and girdles. I love tight [garments]. When I’m alone, I might dress in rubber and use the straps and harnesses on myself. I engage in very extended masturbation sessions, sometimes for hours, mostly when I’m traveling and in a hotel by myself with plenty of time. When I travel I always take a bunch of stuff with me: enema gear, rope, harnesses, clothing—half a suitcase full.

[As for] my most exciting or satisfying experiences with D&S, there are two. One was my first real visit to a professional dom. I met her through a male friend who is an ardent sub and has been seeking people into the Scene around here for years. She’s about 40, blond, quite attractive, voluptuous, and has a very nicely equipped dungeon in her garage. We spent about three hours together and responded to each other wonderfully. She really likes men, enjoys teasing, and that’s exactly what I’m into.

The second involves the woman I currently see. She herself has been into the Scene for only about a year. She has no dungeon or elaborate equipment, but she’s an extremely sensuous woman and also likes men. We met for the first time last November. I had a wonderful scene with her at her apartment a few weeks later, and she liked me enough to invite me to her birthday party. The guests consisted of her, me, another mistress—someone [she] is training—and another male sub, whom I happened to know. Again, there was no real pain involved. Lots of submissive behavior, boot kissing and the like, serving the women intimately, et cetera. The climax of the evening was when they tied me to a bed with one arm free and commanded me to masturbate while they both teased me. [My friend] used a tiny cat-o’-nine-tails on my genitalia while I played with myself. I loved it.

I feel very well adjusted to my sexual proclivities, not guilty at all, not nervous, and I don’t have the feeling that I’m doing anything wrong. If I could, I’d marry [my mistress], become her full-time submissive, and live my entire life inside the Scene, go to parties, entertain other couples at home, devote all my spare time and discretionary income to sensuality and sexual provocation. I’d love that.

I am a heterosexual male, [but] I’m just discovering my bisexuality. D&S had always interested me, and now I’m getting more involved in it, becoming more aware of myself, mainly as a submissive. Sometimes the dominant side of myself does come out. From years of management training, if nobody takes control of a situation, I go out and grab it.

I have found [someone] through an on-line service. We use the service as the gateway; I am given orders to do that I can carry out while at work, so it flows over into my everyday life. One order is to wear a cock harness and different toys under my clothing. Nobody ever notices, much less cares, probably, as long as it doesn’t interfere with the job. During my [on-line] sessions, after performing different orders, usually it climaxes with masturbation. Then there’s the coming-down period [when] we [are] two regular adults talking about different things: the kids, family, weather, what’s happening in our parts of the world.

My wife is what would be classified as plain vanilla and not really into it. [This] part of my life is, for lack of a better word, hidden from her. I tried to broach the subject with my wife, dropping hints, but she doesn’t pick up on it. I don’t know if she doesn’t want to or is just naive. She seems turned off by the idea [of D&S]. [It] could be her strict religious upbringing that says this is wrong. Fortunately, I love my wife and the family; I want to keep them together. So I see the mistress relationship as secondary. The thing that relieves me [about not] expanding the secondary relationship to an intimate one, is the prevalence of diseases. I knew two people who died of AIDS. So it is always in my mind that I’m healthy and safe. Let’s keep it that way.

It was very easy to come to grips with [my interest]. I hear a lot that people think that they are sick or need help. I just accepted it. Of course, you don’t go to your friends and go, “Hey, look what I’m into!” I was interested in women and all that, so I thought it was very normal. I found myself strongly attracted to reading [about D&S], mostly where the female was dominant and there was feminization of males. One [story] that always stayed in my mind was of a young woman who feminized her husband into her maid. She took all his possessions, gave him a changing room and a uniform to wear for different times of the day, and he was to do all the house duties and take care of all her needs—whether cleaning or sexual needs.

When I grew up, my father was always at work, and usually the only time I saw him was on Sunday morning. He came home too late at night for me to interact. So I grew up with my mother and two older sisters. I liked when they used to jump on me and bundle me up in the blankets in bed. Also, being home from school before them, I was able to try on their clothes. And then in people’s attics—the old, old things—that’s where I probably got
the start, being alone and able to explore and having nobody say, “No, that is not right.” [My fantasies included being] forced to wear very tight, restrictive clothing, multilayered clothing. We used to have the old vinyl raincoats, and I would wear those.

I like leather. [My mistress] mostly gives me orders to wear different items—ball stretchers, cock pouch, and different harnesses to work. Or I’m not [allowed] to touch my penis at all, or [must] sit down on a toilet and use it as a woman would; some days dressing up as a woman. I’m also into wearing diapers, which is a whole other realm.

The diaper wearing began in college. I figured it was a little stranger than what normal college students do, but it was a nice feeling. Usually, [I’ll wear] disposable diapers and plastic pants over them—plastic, nylon, rubber. That tends to muffle the sounds, which helps if you’re going out in public. It’s hard to describe, but the secure feeling of wearing one, and the bulkiness—it’s a nice warm feeling, as is using it in place of a bathroom to urinate. At first I was very hesitant to go out wearing one under my clothes, figuring everybody in the world is going to stop and notice. But I talked to a number of people who do, and the comment [was] that nobody out there gives a care as long as you don’t disturb another person. I made trips to the grocery store to try it out, and nobody noticed, and finally [I] got bolder and bolder, till one day I tried doing it at work. Lo and behold, nobody noticed. [So] at least once or twice a week I wear it to work. Then I told my mistress I was doing it, and she suggested that I go to work wearing one and try to keep it dry as long as possible but to use only one diaper during the whole day. Late in the day my bladder was quite filled and decided to release itself. People who were standing within three to five feet of me never knew what was happening. That was a little thrill—doing something that society might say is wrong or naughty and being able to get away with it.

Just recently I [wore] a diaper with rubber pants with a garter belt and stockings. It was quite a combination! Of course, nobody could see that underneath [my] clothing. At a time prearranged with my mistress, I changed and wore a locking cock harness and wasn’t allowed to masturbate until I reported back after a number of days. It was [exciting]. I was doing something that society said was taboo. It was risk taking. What would happen if I got caught, especially at work? What would the consequences be? All those elements—doing it at work, being forced to do it, [the risk]—[are exciting].

I am and have always been attracted to women and like sex with women, but I also tend to look at men more now. I find myself looking at different parts of their bodies and sort of wondering. I’ve become more aware and accepting [of] that part of me, and though I may not get the chance to explore it, [I’m] learning that it’s there [and] it’s not evil, it’s not wrong. I’ve
always been very comfortable around gay men. They’re normal as far as I’m concerned. Probably I’m heading now more [into] the forced-feminization area, not so much heavy pain, marking the body, [or] whippings. Maybe piercing. That would be a hard one to explain! But those things are on my mind, and I’m trying to figure out how to go into them and keep everything together. Trying to keep this all separate from my home life, from my wife and the kids [is complex]. Luckily, the children are young enough that they don’t go snooping, but I know when I reached my early teens, I looked through everything and anything. It’s going to be a real challenge to avoid being discovered. What happens 10 years from now could be for the next book.

SECTION SIX

M
ASCULINE AND
F
EMININE