Discovering Us (6 page)

He chuckled pulling me into him, wrapping his arms tightly around me and tucking my head under his chin. He kissed the top of my head and rested his chin there again before he spoke. “That’s good because I feel the same. And I hope you understand what I’m gonna tell you. God, this will go against every fucking Mancode there is.” He moved back and rubbed a hand over his face then looked at me out of the side of his eyes, a little chagrined. “Hell, they’d probably revoke my Man Card if they heard what I’m going to tell you,” he mumbled. He sighed deeply before facing me full on. “But I wouldn’t try anything with you right now, El. You’re only sixteen. That’s so damned young.”

I sat up straight and pulled back from him at that. “It’s not that young. And I’ll be seventeen in two weeks,” I said indignantly, the humiliation of the situation making my stomach clench. Then a thought hit me that made my heart sink. “I’ll bet you had sex by the time you were sixteen,” I said quietly.

He sighed again. “It’s different for guys.” When my body went rigid and he sensed I was going to go all feminist on him, he said, “El, it really is. You know it is. Guys don’t get emotional about it like girls do.” His hand rested between my neck and my shoulder and he smoothed his thumb back and forth over my skin.

I narrowed my eyes at him before asking the dumbest question ever. “So how many girls have you slept with, Jag?”

His thumb stopped its movement and he frowned then looked away, the muscles in his jaw jumping. “Does it matter?”

“No, I guess not,” I mumbled, my heart taking a direct hit then. Why the hell had I even asked? Ugh. Now my imagination was gonna go wild thinking of who all he’d been with. Yay for me and my ridiculous questions.

“But, El, it’s different with you and me… With you I
would
get emotional.” He kissed me softly then rested his forehead against mine as he let that sink in.

And just like that, it was all better.

    We only got to second base that night, and I was okay with that.

Chapter 7

I was seventeen when Jag broke my heart for the second time.

He’d finally decided that he’d play baseball at South Carolina University. Thirteen hours away.
Thirteen hours away!
  I honestly didn’t know how I’d survive being away from him or being that far from him. The only consolation in his choice was that he hadn’t chosen Oregon State, which was thirty-two hours away. Although his being over half a day’s drive away from me was bad enough, if he’d chosen O-State, that distance would’ve totally made me freak out. But I loved him and didn’t want to stand in the way of his success, so I lied and told him that I was fine with everything and that I was so excited for him and hoped he did amazing. That kind of lying was okay, I told myself.

The day he signed his scholarship was crazy. The principal let all the classes go to the gym to watch and cheer him on. There was a table set up at center court for him and the head coaches of the high school team and the college team to sit at. His parents stood behind them, and it seemed as if every newspaper in the state had a sports writer there, their photographers clicking away like mad. His new college coach had given him a USC cap, which Jag had put on immediately with a huge smile.

I watched from the bleachers, standing by Rebecca, smiling with tears in my eyes, so proud of him and what he’d accomplished, when he suddenly looked up and around with a frown. Then he stood and scanned the crowd before spotting me and signaled for me to come down there. I shook my head stiffly, a little horrified that he’d want me with him. His mom then realized what he was doing and started nodding fervently at me, holding a hand out to me and wiggling her fingers as if to take mine from fifty feet away. Ugh. I ended up having no choice but to go as Rebecca pushed me in my back, nudging me to go to them. I gave her a dirty look before making my way through multiple students then stepping down onto the gym floor and walking to the table.

“Get in here, Ellen!” Mrs. Jensen cooed. “You’re one of us, you know.” Her smile made me smile. She had to be one of the nicest people I’d ever known.

So I stood there by Mrs. Jensen smiling like a fool wondering if the description in the picture would say, “Back row: Royce Jensen, father, Mary Jensen, mother, Ellen Love, hapless high school girlfriend who’ll soon be dumped when Jagger Jensen goes off to college and discovers all the hot babes that await him in South Carolina.” Great.

The day before Jag was to leave for college, we went to Tyler Callihan’s official End of Summer Party. His family owned a private beach on Lake Michigan, so during the day we swam and then Tyler and a couple guys had taken some of us out on their family’s boats. It was now evening, there was a bonfire blazing and the beer was flowing like crazy. Most of the senior class was there since it’d probably be the last time they’d be together for some time.

Jag and I had been hanging with Rebecca and Ross. We both wore hoodies over our swimsuits since it was always a little chilly on the lake at night, but I’d gotten too cold so we’d walked up to the house so I could get my yoga pants. Before going in the house, Jag pulled me around to the side of it for an impromptu make-out session where he pressed me against the house with his body as his lips covered mine. Wow. I didn’t think I’d ever get enough of his kisses.

“God, El, you don’t know what you do to me,” he rasped in my ear after we’d kissed for a while.

I think I figured out pretty well what I did to him if what I felt against my stomach was any indication. We continued kissing as his hands slipped under my hoodie to the back to untie my bikini top at the bottom then they slid around to the front where he cupped my breasts and ran his thumbs over my nipples making me moan into his mouth.

“Jag… please…” I whispered as my fingers dug into his back under his hoodie.

Okay. I’d had enough. We’d had several hot and heavy stints that’d left me wanting him so badly I could hardly stand it. But Mr. Ultimate Gentleman always held back. Well, that was going to change tonight. I reached a hand around and down, stroking him over his swim trunks, eliciting a groan from his throat. He then placed his hand over mine, which was my “signal” to stop. Nope. Not happening this time. Still kissing him, I did something I’d never done before. I pulled my hand from his then found his waistband and plunged my hand inside his swim trunks, finding his shaft and grasping it firmly, moving it up and down his length. His head fell back on his shoulders as a growl rumbled from deep inside his chest. It was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen.

“El…”

“Jag, let me make you feel good,” I whispered.

Guess my speaking wasn’t a wise choice. It was as if hearing it woke him up suddenly. His head came forward, his eyes focusing on mine, and a grimace appeared on his face as he reached inside his trunks grabbing my hand and pulling it away from him and out as he hissed, “Stop!”

Now I was pissed. I didn’t understand. He’d had sex before, so why wouldn’t he with me? “God! What’s your problem, Jag? I’m all but throwing my fucking self at you but you want nothing to do with me!”

“You don’t get it,” he said quietly, trying not to draw attention to us.

No, I really didn’t. “That’s for damned sure! I guess I’m just not good enough for you, is that it, Jag? Oh, you can fuck all those other girls. But me?” I huffed out a sarcastic chuckle. “When it comes to me, no way!”

I wasn’t deaf. It wasn’t like I hadn’t heard kids at school talking about who he’d been with, and there’d been several. Rebecca had even told me some of the locker room talk that Ross had let her in on. So why didn’t Jag want me? I stood looking at him, hands on my hips waiting to see what he had to say.

He let out a frustrated breath and pushed that shock of dark hair out of his face. “Babe, it’s just that you’re, well, you’re special.”

I laughed at him then, shaking my head at how ridiculous he sounded, reaching my hands back to re-tie my bikini top. When his hands went to my shoulders, I moved my hands back around to his chest and shoved. He didn’t budge which just pissed me off even more. “No, Jag. I’m tired of this. If you don’t want me, then I don’t see the point.” I turned and walked back toward the bonfire, grabbing a beer from Nick Thomas on my way, not bothering to look back at Jag. Down by the lake, I looked around for Rebecca but she wasn’t anywhere to be found. Damn it. I needed my best friend! I texted her and she responded that she and Ross were busy, so I let it go. They’d actually done the deed on Prom night and had been going at it steadily ever since. Whatever.

After an hour of hanging out with different people, Nick Thomas in particular who kept the beer coming, and watching Blair Adams, a girl Jag had dated and, according to my sources, slept with, and her current boyfriend, Josh Martin break up right in front of God and everyone, I realized I’d been a complete and utter tool for what I’d said to Jag. I needed to find him and apologize. I told Nick I’d be back then moving through the crowd, I asked around but no one had seen Jag. I made my way up to the house, a bit tipsy from all the beer that Nick had kept supplying me with. Inside, no one had seen Jag either, so I went out front to see if his Camaro was still there, which it was, so I went back inside to find him.

Still not seeing him, I went upstairs to use the restroom. When I finished, I decided to get my yoga pants because I was so freaking cold from being down by the beach for the past hour. Jag had put our bags in one of the bedrooms, so I went to the first one but the door was locked.  The second room was empty, so I moved to the last. The door was cracked and I peeked in, and there sat Jag on the bed with his back to me, his arm around Blair Adams’ shoulders, hers around his waist.

I froze and my heart leaped into my throat almost choking me. What the hell? When Blair leaned over and kissed him, I unfroze and literally charged into the room.

“What the fuck?” I shrieked.

I’d never seen two people jump up so fast in my life.

“El!” Was that guilt all over Jag’s face? Oh God.

I was proud of myself for not bursting into tears. Instead, I huffed as I nodded slowly. “I see.” It was all I could say. And it all became so clear just then. It wasn’t that Jag didn’t want to sleep with me because I was special. It was because he’d wanted Blair all along. And now that she and Josh had broken up, Jag hadn’t wasted any time moving in to claim her back. I turned and ran from the room as he yelled after me, flying down the stairs and looking around for someone, anyone, to get me the fuck out of there. Pushing through the crowd, I saw Nick Thomas, so Nick it was.

“I need to go
now
!” I hissed, grabbing him by the arm and dragging him to the front door with me.

“I’m on it!” he said, digging his keys from his shorts pocket while I pulled him out the door.

“El, wait!” Jag yelled, coming after us.

I knew it’d take some time for him to get through everyone as big as he was, but I wasn’t taking any chances as I told Nick to hurry. We got to his car, and I jumped inside locking the door. After Nick got in and started the car, Jag ran up to my window putting his hands on the glass.

“El, get out!” he yelled, but I just stared straight ahead ignoring him. “El!”

“Go!” I told Nick and we took off. There was a loud sound, so I assumed Jag had hit the trunk with his fists as we drove off.

“What the fuck?” Nick spat. “This is a goddamned Lexus, for Christ’s sake! Fucker better not have dented it!”

“I’ll pay for it if there are any damages. God,” I clipped out. Jeez. Guys and their cars.

We drove in silence for a few minutes before Nick broke it. “So what happened with you two?”

I really didn’t want to get into it, but I was pissed so I told him anyway. “I caught him in a bedroom with Blair Adams.”

He nodded as if he totally understood that crazy bit of info then looked over at me and so kindly contributed, “Yeah, I heard they fucked like goddamned rabbits when they dated. I was kinda surprised when he broke it off with her. I mean, look at her. Chick’s fucking stacked.” He looked over at me again realizing what he’d said and tried consoling me. “I mean, you’re hot and all too, don’t get me wrong.”

“Yeah. Thanks for that, Nick. Appreciate it.” I scowled back at him then faced the front again with a heavy sigh.

“Isn’t Jag leaving for South Carolina tomorrow anyway? He’s gonna be pretty far away. Wouldn’t make sense for you to keep dating, would it?”

Captain Tactful was about to get on my last nerve. “No, probably not.”

“So, would you wanna go out with me sometime?”

Uh, hell to the no. “Um, I don’t know. We’ll see.”

I couldn’t believe I still wasn’t crying. Maybe the beer had dehydrated me and I didn’t have any to shed. Maybe I was in shock. I don’t know what it was, but I was actually thankful that I wasn’t a blubbering mess with Nick trying to comfort me. God knew he wasn’t the most empathetic person to be around. He yammered on and on the rest of the way to my house about how he was only taking one semester at Northwestern before he interned at his dad’s business—in my dazed state I hadn’t even caught what type of business it was—and how he’d take over someday and probably be a millionaire and didn’t I want to go out with someone who had such a stellar future.

That would be a big, fat negative.

When we pulled into my drive I thought I was going to cry just being free from all the blathering.

“Thanks, Nick. I appreciate it a lot.” I opened the car door and started to get out.

“Hey, no problem. Can I get your number?”

Just as I was going to tell him that my family didn’t believe in phones, a car came screeching around the corner. Make that a dusk blue ’69 Camaro came screeching around the corner, pulling up and skidding to a stop right in front of my house. Jag got out, slamming his door loudly and stalked toward me, his eyes glittering with anger.

Whoa.

“Hey, thanks again, Nick. Uh, see you around,” I said and shut the car door, turning to go inside the house.

“El!” Jag bellowed from behind me.