Dissidence (28 page)

“Why?” My voice is barely a whisper as it squeezes past the lump forming in my throat.

“Because you’re brave, and smart, and strong, and kind.”

“Yeah, sure.
That sounds just like me.”

“You came back for me, didn’t you?”

“Yeah, but that’s because—
”

“You didn’t do it because you felt guilty, Leigh, or because you’re an idiot, or for whatever other reason you’re about to fling at me.” The mattress dips as he slides onto the bunk beside me. “You did it because you’re a good person, because you care, because it matters to you what happens to other people . .
. because, despite claiming to hate humanity, Leigh, you actually just want everyone to be happy. That’s why it’s always pissed you off so much to listen to people
complain about way things are. Because they were unhappy
,
and there was nothi
ng you could do about it. You’
ve
always
taken everyone else’s problems on yourself an
d wanted to solve them all—
”

“Peter, I never—
”

“
—
But, you can’t fix
everything
. Not on your own. You’re not alone here, Leigh, and not everything always has to fall on
you
, including the blame. Let someone else shoulder it for a while. That’s what I’m here for.”

“Peter . . .” Tears clog my throat, threatening to choke me.

“Leigh,” his voice is as soft as his hands are rough against my cheeks, “
it’s
okay to just let it go sometimes.”

That’s all it takes. I can’t hold back anymore, and the dam breaks. Peter pulls me close to his chest and holds me tight while the tears pour down my face. Now that I’ve started, I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to stop again. I h
aven’t cried since I was little,
not when my dad died, not when my mom was taken away, not when I left Peter behind at that station, or got tossed in the camps, or left Lori behind at the mine, not when people were being shot down all around me, and not when I watched that hospital burn
. B
ut I cry for it now, all of it. My whole body is wracked with soul spilling sobs that I’m no longer trying to contain. Peter just holds me close and rocks me gently while my pain and sorrow soaks into his shirt. He doesn’t say that it’s all right because he knows that it isn’t. He just lets me get it all
out,
empty myself of everything I’ve been carrying around for years. It hurts. It’s physically painful to let it all go, but I do, and I keep letting it go for I don’t know how long. I don’t even notice when Peter
lies
us both down on the bunk and continues to hold me, but at some point I cry myself to sleep.

Chapter 26

When I wake again
,
I’m alone, but a blanket has been tucked around me. I feel hollow, completely empty, but not in a light carefree sort of way
,
more like I’ve been stripped of everything that makes me
me
,
and left bare. I don’t know how to handle emotions. I never have. That’s why I bury the
m, but now they’re all riled up
and I can’t hide from them. People are dead, a lot of people, and no matter what Peter or Connor say
,
it’s at least partially my fault. Yes, I had good intentions when I brought them there, but the road to hell and all that.

The door creaks open
,
and I’m almost afraid to see who it is now.

“Hey, Girlie, how
ya
feeling?”
Connor.
I don’t deserve him. After the way I treated him, for him to come in here concerned about me . . . I don’t deserve that kind of friendship.

“Connor, I didn’t . . .”

“I know.”

“I didn’t mean any of it. I was just . . .”

“I
know
, Girlie. Don’t worry about it. We’re good. Besides, everyone’s entitled to a little mental breakdown now and then. Now, you’re just required to forgive me when I have
mine
later.” He’s joking with me.
I know h
e means what he said,
we really are good.

“I’m really sorry.”

“I know,” he laughs, exasperated. “What I
don’t
know is how you’re feeling.”

“Well, I’m not biting your head off, so that’s a step in the right direction, I guess.”

“
Here.
Maybe this will get
ya
another step.” He passes me a bowl of cold oats that actually manages to make my stomach grumble. I hadn’t realized how hungry I was.

“I don’t
know what to do anymore, Connor,
” I confess miserably when I’ve finished inhaling my meal.

“Well, that’s what you’ve got me for.”

“What?”

“I took your advice and came up with a plan.”

“Connor,” I groan at the reminder of my cruel words to him.

“Kidding, Girlie, relax. Not about the plan though. I’m just not sure you’re
gonna
like it.”

The last thing I want to do is talk strategy, but I did tell him to come up with a plan in not-so-nice terms. The least I can do is listen to it.

“If we’re going to plan
,
then Peter should be here.”

“I’ll get him. You stay put.” Connor snatches the empty bowl out of my hands, and the door is swinging shut behind him before I
even
register that he’s gone. Must be
some
plan.

Concern is still etched into each of Peter’s features when he returns with Connor. I know I worried him. I think I may actually do
that more often than I realize
, and I feel bad about it. I try to smile to show him that I’m all right, but I don’t think he’s buying it.

“What’s going on?” Peter takes a seat beside me, scanning me from head to toe as though he expects to find me cracked. I am, just not where he can see. “Connor said we need to talk.”

“Connor has a plan,” I inform him.

Peter looks about as thrilled to be talking strategy as I am, but neither of us disagrees.

“All right, so here it is.” Connor drops down on the bunk across f
ro
m us and cuts right to the chase. Something I appreciate. “We’ve been liberating camps from the inside, and recruiting reinforcements. I think we have enough to make our attack from the outside now. We have thousands of people here, most of them armed. If we attack a camp from the outside
,
it puts the unarmed workers inside at less risk, and should make it easier to overtake the camps with fewer losses.”

I’m still too tired to deal with this. The words ‘attack’ and ‘losses’ are enough to drain me emotionally, and I just want to sag onto the mattress and sleep for another week and a half.

“You’re talking about head-to-
head fighting, with a camp
’
s worth of guards, without the surprise factor?” Peter clarifies.

“Less surprise, more weapons, and their attention will be focused on those of us who have a better chance at defending ourselves than the unprepared people inside the camp. If the numbers stay consistent between camps, we should outnumber the guards at whatever camp we attack.”

“What camp would we attack?”
             

“Colony O. That’s where Reynolds is. It makes the most sense. Two birds
with one stone. We free a camp
and get our hands on the man in charge all at once. If we’re successful, we may be able to put all of this to an end with just one fight.”

If
being the operative word in that sentence.
But Connor looks so confident—
something
I
’m not ever sure I’ll be again—
that I hate to burst his bubble. “I don’t know, Connor. Can we just think about it?”

I have no intention of thinking about anything at the moment. First, I need to get some sleep and clear my head. Then, I need to figure out a way around this. I can’t have Connor and Peter both looking to me to make all of the decisions around here. Even with their help, I can’t handle that much responsibility. There has to be a better way.

Neither of them looks prepared to argue, so we let it rest for now. Connor disappears to go do who k
nows what—
I sw
ear that guy never sits still—
but Peter lingers in the dorm.

“So
,
what do you think?”

“About what?”

“Connor’s plan.”

“Peter, I honestly don’t know right now.” He hesitates, obviously trying to decide whether or not to say whatever it is he’s thinking. “What, Peter? What is it?”

“You know I’m with you
,
whatever you decide.”

“But?”

“But
I just don’t know if now’s the time to get gun shy. If you have a good reason not to support Connor’s plan
,
then fine, but if you’re just afraid to send more people out because of what happened back at D . . .”

“I said I didn’t know, Peter. I’m not against Connor’s plan. I just need to get my head straight before I can really think about it.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” His soft tone threatens to break through my weary defenses again, and my throat swells dangerously close to suffocating me.

He
’s been burdened by enough of my emotions for one night
, though
. “I can’t right now.”

Peter understands. I can tell by the look in his eye when he gets to his feet to leave me alone with my thoughts. “Just don’t forget, I’m here to help.”

I haven’t forgotten . . . about him or Connor, but it’s still not enough. There’s just too much responsibility for even the three of us to shoulder together.

***

A gentle shake rouses me. It’s darker now. After rubbing some of the sleep from my eyes, I can just make out Connor standing beside my bunk.

Panic immediately blossoms. “What is it? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong, Girlie, but there’s someone here who wanted to see you.”

I focus my weary, still swollen eyes beyond Connor, and notice someone standing near the door.

“Hey, Kiddo.”

“Lori!” I jump out of the bed.

“Lori led the rebellion that overthrew the mines,” Connor informs me. Why
am I
not surprised?

“I’m so glad you’re here.”

“Yeah, well, what else was I going to do? When I heard about everything that was going on, about so
me girl who stood up to a guard
and then took over a camp, I knew it had to be you, Kiddo. Who else would be that crazy?”

I don’t bother pointing out how none of that was my idea. I just smile. I’ve missed her. Over the next few hours, we al
l get caught up. Peter joins us, and he and Lori
really seem to hit it off, j
ust like I knew they would. F
or a little while, everything’s okay again.
By the time everyone else is ready for bed, I’m finally wide awake.
Figures
.
As they settle in for the night, I take the rare opportunity for a little quiet time.

A hush seems to have fallen over the camp with the darkness. Small fires burn here and there, and I can make out muffled voices from all over, but it’s still pleasantly muted. For the first time in a long time, I feel like I can
actually hear myself think. And
thinking is exactly what I need to do.

If the weight of this responsibility is too much for just Connor, Peter, and
myself
, then I need to figure out who else to share it with. We can’t involve everyone. As much as I’d like to, the idea of trying to get thousands of people to all come to some kind o
f agreement is just insane.
T
here is one thing each individual c
amp has agreed on—
who they’ve chosen to lead them.

***

The camp is divided into several sections. Each group of workers appears to have staked out space for themselves and stuck together since arriving here, creating mini communities amongst themselves. We may all be on the same side, but we’re hardly a team.

First thing in the morning, I make my way through each section, compiling a list of the people who led each individual rebellion. It consists of eight names, not counting Peter, Connor, and myself. There are Jessie and Thomas from the fishing camp, Sandy from the cotton farm, Allan and Kyle from the timber camp, Lori from the mines, and Julie and Jacob from the soybean farm. Of course the lunatic would need to be included.