Dogs of Orninica (16 page)

We're also hooked up to all the drones by the way, can even take control of them. You can get some killer down-blouse and up-skirt shots that way. You've gotta be careful though, if you press the wrong button you can accidentally blast a hole in the girl you're following. Happened to me once, was stalking this super-fine jogger in the park, meant to zoom in on her boobs, but I hit the trigger instead. It worked out okay though, I just blamed it on hackers. They totally bought it.

But maybe practice a bit with the drone's controls first, before you choose someone to stalk. Just some advice. Every rookie makes mistakes, and when it happens to you, just remember our motto, “Deny, deny, deny.” As long as you don't do something completely ridiculous like use a drone to shoot up the station, you'll probably get away with it.

There's even someone on the force I know about who uses drones to disappear his bookies when they try to collect. Just drops them in the middle of the ocean. It's pretty effective if there's someone you need to get rid of. That same guy also has a drone following his girlfriend around 24/7, he's pretty paranoid. Nice guy, though. I'll introduce you when you get the promotion. You could learn a lot from him, guy's got real skills.

Now don't get me wrong, we have to do at least a little work watching the fringe groups, immigrants and minorities. It's not hard though, all the extremists do when they meet is sit around drinking tea and talk about how they want to 'make the world a better place' and how pathetic and sad they all are seeing 'all the unfairness' around them. It's pretty funny. You just have to take some notes and file them with the recordings, is all. They're careful not to use any trigger words or organize rallies and protests or anything. They know the law pretty well, the little wieners.

Every couple of months, the feds will plant one of their agents in one of the groups to try and rile them up and incite some good old fashioned violence. When that happens, we have to double the time we spend watching them, no biggie. Unfortunately, they usually don't take the bait, so the feds end up having to plant some evidence on them to break up the group. Whatever gets the job done.

The immigrants and minorities are easier to watch, you can just choose a couple at random and see what they're up to. Usually they're just cleaning or praying or lining up outside government buildings waiting for their papers. Probably the most boring part of the job. But it gets more interesting when the feds radicalize one of them and send him on a bullshit suicide attack, that shit is hilarious. Dumb saps.

The 'iYglass for Everyone' program has really been a godsend. It's like the golden era of policing down here. You're a real lucky dog, to be joining the force in these awesome times. And just wait until you see the vending machines we've got down here, they put the crappy little one you rookies have up in processing to shame. Man, we're really living the good life.

Judge

Mr. Fifi, you were right, it was a cinch, I just met the quota in under a week; sentenced precisely a thousand petty lawbreakers to a decade in your state of the art mega prisons. Outlawing growing trees and grass was truly a brilliant stroke of genius, bravo sir. We can incarcerate twenty times as many dogs than before these laws came into effect. With a thousand new workers at your disposal, you should be able to meet the government's deadline with plenty of time to spare. You can get those new tanks built up and ready to send off to the war.

Give me around another week, and I'll have another thousand felons ready for work. I saw on the news that the Fifi Corporation just got the contract for the new armored vehicles and the underwater mines, too. Will a thousand inmate workers be enough or should I shoot for more? Just say the word, and I'll throw the book at jaywalkers and speeding motorists just as hard if I have to.

Actually, I was thinking, you could lobby to outlaw shrubbery too, that would really help climb the numbers of arrests our officers could make. I'm always seeing shameless shrub growers in my neighborhood, carefully pruning their bushes, acting so smugly, as if they've found a loophole in the law, so there's ample justification for it. They would undoubtedly find something else to use if we banned shrubs, so we could continue to prosecute public urinators, too. Even though the users are obviously not as valuable a target as the growers, it's certainly still very profitable to convict them.

If you are given the contract to build the new tiny 'cockroach-drones, we're going to really need to get that conviction rate sky-high, we'll need to triple our workforce at least. Maybe put a law on the table outlawing scratching in public? That could really do the trick. It's absolutely sickening how many unemployed there are out there, littering the streets. The more we put to work, the better off society will be. It's really a compassionate service that we're providing here when you think about it. For the greater good.

I just tried that sniveling little wannabe revolutionary accountant you sent me today, couldn't have gone smoother. He's truly a despicable little weed, isn't he sir? I couldn't even dream of charging you for that conviction, it's completely on the house. I'm just glad we finally got him, thanks to that Fidelbrook character.

The weedy revolutionary has been riling up the peasants unhampered for far too long with his dangerous blogging. I really threw the book at him, so you won't have to worry about him spreading dissent in your prisons, his execution date is already set. Managed to get a long list of unsolved crimes off the books too. I'm sure your warden will show him a good time when he arrives at your fine facility, sir. I hear the guards in the death row wing are especially prone to violent outbursts.

Actually Mr. Fifi, I have some ideas for streamlining our process a little bit, if you have time to hear them? I was thinking, now that Mr. Rumplefort's Nureongi prison camps are open and filling up overseas; providing the government with even cheaper labor than your domestic prisons can provide, you could devise a way to get Orninican prisoners stripped of their citizenship, so you can stop paying them the oono a day you're forced to pay them.

Maybe set up a mega prison offshore, perhaps on one of the corporation's old out of use oil rigs, so you don't have to follow health and safety regulations, and ship these new citizenship-less inmates over. You could even hold them indefinitely, and use, shall we say, unorthodox methods to discipline them and convince them to work. I estimate this could as much as halve your overhead.

We'd need to use the 'aiding the enemy' laws we already have on the books when we try these criminals, in order to revoke their citizenship. I'm thinking we could arrest anyone overheard saying anything slightly un-Orninican. I was in the lobby of my hotel the other day, and I heard a cheeky young dog say that he thinks the drone initiative is a violation of the constitution. That's traitor talk, pure and simple; a perfect candidate to be shipped off to an offshore mega prison. I took down his name and identification number just in case.

If you think I'm onto something and decide to go forward with my idea, I'd love to be a shareholder in the endeavor. Maybe even sit on the board of directors, if you think I've earned it? I really think it's a top-notch project to pursue, sir. After all, you're going to absolutely need to compete with the Nureongi work-camps somehow. I could even possibly re-try a lot of your existing inmates under the aiding the enemy laws to transfer them offshore.

It would especially be effective if we expanded the treason laws to include verbal attacks against police officers, drones, judges, postal workers, hospital staff, etc. An attack on any public official is an attack on the great Orninican nation and should be regarded as an act of treason.

I don't think your politicians would charge too much for that, and I can even write the amendment to the laws myself for a much lower price than a professional lobbyist would charge. I know how frugal you are, Mr. Fifi. After all, you didn't get to be the richest dog the world has ever seen by wasting money.

If for some reason my offshore prison idea doesn't agree with you, sir, we could always have the inmates designated as interns of the Fifi corporation. That always works for me, when I need new staffers. Don't have to pay them a penny. We could call it a work training program, teach them valuable skills they can use upon release. In a factory in some other country, of course.

It really is a lot easier to get things done during war time, sir. The Nureongi's attack on us was such a wonderful blessing. And it couldn't have come at a better time. In the past, we had to be much more subtle in actuating our various projects, but now we don't even need to worry about it. No need to use convoluted doublespeak to confuse the public into compliance, and we only rarely need to resort to secret courts and secret laws.

We can be almost completely open about our objectives, and thanks to the slavish media, no one even questions it. The prison-military industrial complex is never even questioned by the dazed little boors. It's so very freeing. Well done, sir, well done. You set an example for all of us aspiring tycoons to follow.

We're so incredibly fortunate to live in this marvelous time when we are unhindered by petty obstructions to our intricate machinations. The anti-whistle-blowing laws we engineered five years ago today have given us the unprecedented ability to affect change on a global scale, to ameliorate society forever. I feel that we should commemorate this great day somehow, maybe with a little get together at the Arcanum Society tonight? I'll bring the goat.

Or perhaps you could consider entertaining my wife and I on the island? I would really jump at the opportunity to spend some quality time with you Mr. Fifi, and I know it would make my dear wife so very happy to finally get to visit that incredible island you spend so much of your time on. We would be so positively enthused to receive an invitation at long last. It would mean so much to us if our two families could come together like that. And there are so many ideas I have bouncing about in the old noggin that I'd love to share with you in a more relaxed setting.

No pressure is intended of course, sir. I know how important your family's privacy is to you. The prerogative is entirely yours, after all, I am but a lowly servant. Nevertheless, I would be utterly discreet and courteous if you decided to invite me this year, it is well known in my social circle that I am an ideal house guest with impeccable manners. I would certainly never intrude on areas of the island that are out of bounds to guests. I would be extremely cautious not to pry into your personal, intimate or spiritual affairs, unless it was requested I participate, of course.

You've never formally met my wife, but you should know that she's very accommodating in... Shall we say, interpersonal matters? Indeed, her physical boundaries can be stretched quite far. She certainly would have no qualms about us instructing younger members of society in the carnal pleasures.

What I mean to say is, much, much younger members of society. Perhaps as young as the comely boys that are said to grace your wonderful island?

As always, I live to serve you and your majestic family, Mr. Fifi. I would be nothing without you, absolutely nothing at all. An invisible little withering worm of a dog, hardly even worth stepping on, certainly not for someone with your busy globe-trotting schedule.

You have given me everything, sir. Without your outstanding generosity, I would be absolutely lost. I am your ever-faithful servant today and forever. I am humbled before your presence. I bask in the divine glow that envelopes your majestic body at all times. I am but a tiny, small, little, insignificant dog when sat next to you.

I will truly cherish any time you choose to spend with me, on your island or wherever you wish.

Soldier

Fuck, war is boring. When I signed up, I thought it would be like the videogames, blowing the enemy up, collapsing buildings, slicing throats, chasing dirty terrorists through the slums; real G.I. hero stuff. But instead we barely ever leave camp. We just hang out and play videogames most of the day, games set in the old wars where you could actually get shit done. This dumb Nureongi war is basically fought 99% by drones and tank-bots. And then the damn private corporate armies they have barking orders at us get the remaining 1% of the action.

If I'm lucky, and we round up some peasants that come to the camp to surrender, the CO lets me frisk the ladies. They all run around naked you know, all their fur is showing all the time. I take my sweet time searching them tribal lovelies. Put my hands all over their soft shiny fur. Sometimes they bitch a bit when I'm too rough with the frisking, but I just yell at them in their gibberish until they shut up. I can do a good impression of their dumb ass language. Opi opi bark bark rir! Makes the boys in my regiment laugh every time. Fucking savages.

I wouldn't mind bringing a couple of them home with me though, no question. They're all built like tight little swimsuit models, every one of them. Big fucking sets of boobies too. I don't know how they got to be so damn fine out here in the trees, but I like it, no doubt, no doubt. None of them shave, though, they're furry as fuck. Guess they didn't invent razors over here. But it's sort of of hot, I guess, in a weird way. Wouldn't mind giving their fur a good licking over.

Damn, what I would do to one of those hot little furry tribe chicks if I had her in a dark room alone... Fuck me, that would be some intense love making. I wish the CO would assign me to guard the prisoners for a bit. I keep putting in for guard duty, but he's always got his dorky nephews doing it at night. So unfair. Maybe he'll get promoted or something and take his nephews with him so we can actually have some fun here for once.

We've got monitors set up all over the mess hall so we can watch the drones blowing the fuck out of their smelly little villages. We always place bets on how many hits each drone can get. It's always really funny when the silly peasants try to throw rocks at the drone, and the drone turns around and fills their heads with bullet holes. They're so fucking retarded. Sometimes they'll run around in circles for a moment with their heads blown off, it's pretty sick.