Effortless (49 page)

Feeling those tears heavier than before, moments from falling, I
snapped, “You weren’t done with me ten minutes ago, when you were
screwing my brains out!”

A moment of pain flashed over his face and his own eyes
moistened. “That…was a mistake.”

I swallowed repeatedly, not believing this was really happening.
“You said you believed me,” I whispered.

Sniffing, he shook his head. “And you said you wouldn’t lie to
me. Goodbye, Kiera.”

I was so startled at hearing him say those words, I dropped his
arm. The tears I couldn’t hold back anymore splashing on my cheeks,
I whispered, “You said there weren’t any goodbyes between us…”

Closing his eyes, he dropped his head. When he lifted it back
up, a tear rolled down his cheek. “I said a lot of things that
weren’t true…”

Ice twisting my stomach, making my breathing shallow, I heard
myself ask a question that I hadn’t given my body permission to
ask. “Are you breaking up with me?”

Tilting his head, his glistening eyes searched over my face.
Another tear rolled down his skin and I wanted to wipe it away. I
wanted to hold his head to me and tell him that he didn’t have to
be angry, that nothing had happened with Denny, that I’d been
faithful to him…that I loved him, more than anything. I couldn’t
though. I couldn’t move.

His eyes drifted down my body then snapped back up to mine. He
inhaled deep, then whispered, “Yes, I am.”

I heard the sob escape me, even though I hadn’t given myself
permission for that either. Kellan immediately turned from my grief
and disappeared through the front door. As wracking sobs went
through me, I stood, frozen in place. Then I heard the roar of his
car starting in the distance and sunk to my knees, burying my face
in my hands.

That didn’t just happen, did it? He didn’t just come home
unexpectedly, make love to me, then dump me…did he? As the sound of
his car got fainter and fainter, the sounds of my tears got louder
and louder. Oh God…yes, that did just happen.

I’d lost him…I’d finally lost him.

I’m not sure how long I stayed on that floor, contemplating the
drastic shift my life had taken. Before this tour had started, I’d
been so sure that Kellan and I were soul mates, destined to be
together forever. While I’d had fears that he’d finally wake up and
realize that he could do so much better than me, I’d also clung to
the belief that he’d never stray because I was the first person
he’d let into his heart. I’d believed that that had sealed us,
cemented us together. But maybe, all it had done was branded his
body. Maybe my name tattooed across his chest was enough, a
symbolic representation of how I’d opened him, freed him to love
himself…and others.

And now, now that we were over, I was sure he would love again.
I was sure that he’d get back on the road, banging groupies left
and right until he got over his heartbreak, and then he’d find her.
She’d be sweet, maybe shy, and she’d have complete faith in him.
Because their relationship wouldn’t have started like ours did.

We’d started out with a betrayal. We’d both watched each other
lie to a loved one. We’d both watched each other sleep with other
people, all the while being in love with one another. Desperately
in love. Watching that sort of betrayal, being a part of it…it
soured you.

We both knew what we were capable of. Maybe we’d doomed
ourselves from the very beginning. Maybe I’d done it. When Denny
had come back from Tucson, I should have told him what had happened
while he was away. It would have ended us, but we were already
over. It would have been a clean break, an honest break. Maybe
then, Kellan and I would have had a chance.

Staring at my bedroom ceiling, sleep impossible, I clutched my
cell phone, waiting for Kellan to call me and tell me that he
didn’t mean it, that he hadn’t broken up with me.  He didn’t
call though, and I knew that he’d soon be rejoining his band
tour…and I’d never see him again.

Biting my lip, I debated if I should break down and call him.
What would I say? What could I say? I could only plead my
innocence, but Kellan didn’t seem to believe me. He had for a brief
moment, but then… Whatever faith he’d had in me was gone now. And I
really wasn’t sure why.

Running my hands back through my hair, I considered calling Anna
and asking her to come home. She was staying at a friend’s house,
finally feeling happy enough to rejoin her social circle. I didn’t
really want to drag her back down with my depression. Maybe I could
call Jenny?

Just as I was considering punching in her numbers, my phone
chirped at me, telling me I’d just received a text message. Hoping
against hope that Kellan was talking to me, I scanned the
screen.

I sighed. It was from Denny, not Kellan. Biting my lip, I opened
the message.
‘Just checking on you…everything okay?’

Not sure if anything would be okay again, I texted back,
‘No…Kellan broke up with me.’

At least, I think that’s what I wrote. I couldn’t see past the
tears to be sure. By Denny’s answer, it must have been.

 
‘I’ll be there in five.’

I wanted to object, to tell him that he didn’t have to give up a
night’s sleep for me, since he did have to go to work in a few
hours. But I didn’t respond, because I really didn’t want to be
alone.

Sniffling into my pillow, I waited for the hole in my heart to
stop stabbing me with pain. I waited to not feel like my life was
over. That’s all I felt, though…that everything was over. Every
happiness I was ever going to have in my life, I’d already had.
Every joy, I’d already felt. I thought of every time Kellan and I
had been together. If I’d known that it would end so abruptly,
maybe I would have cherished each moment a little more.

But then I realized…I had. I’d always cataloged every second
with him. Memorized every feature about him, every word he’d said,
every placed he’d touched. I’d known. Some scared, insecure part of
me had known we wouldn’t make it…so I’d savored him.  My sobs
started back up.

My bedroom door cracked open a while later and a soft sigh met
my ear. I sat up on an elbow as Denny stood in my doorframe. In my
grief, I must not have locked the front door after Kellan left.
Then again, even if I’d been thinking straight, I don’t think I
could have locked the door behind him. I could never shut Kellan
out like that.

Denny looked tired as he watched me, his dark eyes sympathetic.
Smiling softly, he sat on the edge of my bed, the bed Kellan and I
had made love in, not too long ago. “I’m so sorry, Kiera…I really
am.”

I nodded and threw my arms around Denny. He sighed into my hair
as he rubbed my back. As I held him close, I waited to
feel…something…for him. I didn’t, though. Even in my grief, even
knowing Kellan and I were done, I felt nothing for him but an
overwhelming desire for his friendship.

Relieved that I felt that way, I squeezed him tighter. “He’s
gone, Denny. He said he was done. He said goodbye… and he meant
it.”

Denny sighed again, returning my firm hug. “Is this because of
me…or because of what Kellan’s been hiding from you?”

I blinked and pulled back to look at him. Denny shrugged. “Maybe
he feels guilty for what he’s done. Maybe he wanted an out…and you
gave him one?”

I sniffled and wiped my face off on a blanket. “I don’t know…he
won’t talk to me.” Anger crept into me at the thought that maybe
all of that argument had been more about Kellan’s guilt over his
whore, and not about him catching Denny and I together.

Tightening my jaw, I spat out, “He told me that he believed me
about you and I only being friends. Then he had sex with me. Then
he dumped me! Who does that?”

I flushed over explaining what had happened with Kellan so
bluntly to Denny, but he only sighed and shook his head. “I don’t
know, Kiera…I’m sorry.”

As Denny’s eyes flashed over my face, concerned, I saw the same
friendship that I felt for him reflected back to me. That’s all
there was between us on his side, too. Abby had his heart, and she
would probably never do to him what Kellan had just done to me. And
why did he do it? If Kellan didn’t trust me, if he didn’t believe
me, why didn’t he just break up with me? Why have sex with me
first? One final romp? God, that…pissed me off.

Pushing back from Denny, I scrunched my brows. “Can you do me a
huge favor?”

He nodded, his expression confused but eager to help. “Yeah, of
course, anything.”

Unraveling myself from my blankets, I stood. “I need a ride, and
Anna has the car.”

Denny tentatively stood, eyeing me warily as I threw a
sweatshirt over the tank top of my pajamas. “Um, a ride where,
Kiera?” His accent slid over my name as his question came out
slowly and cautiously.

Sliding my feet into some slip-on shoes, I twirled my hair up
into a loose ponytail. “A ride to Kellan’s.”

Denny sighed, apparently fearing that was where I’d wanted to
go. “Kiera, maybe you should just let this one go…?”

Standing straight, I glared at him. “I can’t…
let him
go
, Denny. I love him, and if he’s going to leave me, then I’m
going to know why. I’m going to find out the truth.” Grabbing
Denny’s arm, I started pulling him out the door. “Even if I have to
beat it out of him…” I muttered.

Denny sighed again.

He was silent on the drive over to Kellan’s, probably wondering
how to talk me out of this conversation I was about to have. I
hoped I’d have the strength to have it, but really, I didn’t have
anything to lose. Kellan and I were over, what could he possibly
say to me now that would hurt worse than that?

More, I just hoped he was home. He could have gone straight back
to the airport, trying to catch an immediate flight back
to…wherever his band was. I just prayed that he needed a minute to
collect himself. Hopefully the end of our relationship was enough
to make him need a moment alone.

When his car was in the drive when we pulled up, I exhaled in
relief. He
was
here. At least he was still here. Then my
nerves crept up. He was here…and we’d have to have the conversation
we’d held off on having for so long. It tightened my stomach and I
immediately wanted to go home. Instead, I opened my door.

Denny cracked his too and I paused, shaking my head. “No, it
will only make it worse if you come in.” Sighing, I said, “Thank
you for doing this…but you can go home now.”

His dark brows bunched as he looked over my face. “Kiera, I
don’t think…”

I placed my hand on his arm. “I’ll be fine, Denny, and you’ve
done enough. More than enough.” Smiling, I tilted my head at him.
“Go home, get some sleep while you can…” Smiling wider, I added,
“Or go call Abby and tell her how grateful you are to have her. I
know she’d love to hear it.” I laughed, feeling no humor in me.

Denny smiled and looked down. “Yeah, maybe I’ll do that.”
Peeking back up at me, his eyes narrowed. “You call me, though…when
this is over.” He raised his eyebrow and waited until I
responded.

I sighed, a sadness washing over me. “Yeah…I will.” Leaning
over, I kissed his cheek. “Thank you, friend.”

He smiled as I pushed open the door of his sporty rental.
“Anytime…mate.”

I grinned at the nickname he’d never, ever used on me, then
stood and waited in front of the car. Waving as he backed away, I
quietly thanked him again. I couldn’t see his response through the
glass, but I was sure he was shaking his head at me, wishing me
well, but thinking I was crazy for coming here.

Twisting back to Kellan’s house, I started to agree with him.
Maybe I was crazy for coming here, especially since Kellan had been
quite clear about the fact that things between us were no more, but
I had to know. He knew what I’d been hiding…I had to know what he
was hiding.

Exhaling shakily, I stepped up to his front door. Not wanting to
use my key, since technically I shouldn’t anymore, I quietly
knocked on it. I didn’t expect him to hear me, so I was preparing
to knock even harder when the door cracked open.

Kellan’s cool eyes stared at me through the crack, then he
rolled them and shut the door in my face. Not expecting that, I
blinked and stared at the heavy wood in my vision. Did he seriously
just slam the door on me?

Irritation beating back my nerves, I opened the door.
Surprisingly, it was unlocked. Kellan’s back was the first thing I
noticed—his back walking away from me again. After stepping in, I
slammed the door behind me. He flinched and twisted to look at
me.

Sighing, he ran a hand through his shaggy hair. “I’m not doing
this, Kiera. I’m not having this conversation again…we’re
over.”

He twisted around again and I grabbed his arm. “No, we’re not,
Kellan! Not until you tell me the truth.”

He twisted to face me, his eyes dark with fury. “You first!”

I sighed, releasing his arm. Throwing my hands in the air, I
sputtered, “I did! I told you the truth about Denny. Nothing
happened! Goddamn it, why don’t you believe that anymore? Or did
you ever really believe me? Was that a lie just to have sex with me
one last time?”

His face paled as his jaw dropped. “You think I knew that I was
going to break up with you before I slept with you? You think I’d
even touch you, if I knew what I know now!” His eyes flashed down
my body again and I flushed, furious.

“And what the hell do you think you know!”

His face disgusted, he backed away from me. “You still can’t be
honest, can you?” Gritting his jaw, he lifted his chin defiantly.
“I saw, Kiera. I saw the tests…the positive tests.” His face
darkening, he took a step towards me. “You shoved them in
my
drawer, with
my
clothes, just so I’d find
them! Did you really think I’d stick around once I did?”

My jaw dropping, I took a step back. “What are you talking
about?”

My nerves tingled as I started piecing together what he was so
angry about. He didn’t let me puzzle it out for long, though. His
hands flinging to my body, he yelled, “I know you’re fucking
pregnant, Kiera, so stop acting like you’re fucking innocent!”

I was speechless as I stared at him. I could clearly remember
Anna, in her denial stage, shoving a paper bag full of positive
pregnancy tests into my dresser drawer…Kellan’s dresser drawer. He
must have wanted to put on some clean clothes after our romp. He
must have opened the drawer and seen them…and assumed they were
mine.

And of course he would assume that. Why wouldn’t he? They were
in my room, in the drawer I’d set aside for him. God, did he really
think I’d ever tell him something that serious like
that
?
How cold did he think I was?

I shook my head and his eyes sharpened dangerously. “Don’t even
try and deny it now. Not now, now that you know I know. Admit it,
Kiera. Admit the truth…for once in your life.” His face softened
and I saw the sorrow in his eyes. He thought I was pregnant. He
thought Denny got me pregnant while he was gone…

I shook my head again, stepping up to him. “Kellan, no, Denny
and I didn’t—”

He cut me off, shoving me back from where I’d tried to touch
him. “Don’t, Kiera. Don’t give me another half-truth. You lied
about Denny being here!” I shook my head and he added, “No, Kiera,
a lie of omission is still a lie!” He leaned into me, “You should
know that better than anyone,” he whispered.