Effortless (51 page)

I couldn’t imagine anything more life-changing for Kellan right
now than contact from the man who’d spawned him. Spawned him, then
abandoned him. He’d left him to a fate that no child should have to
go through. I couldn’t even really imagine what Kellan was feeling
right now—confused, hurt? Or maybe he wasn’t feeling anything yet.
Maybe he was suffering a case of denial that rivaled my
sister’s.

Wondering if that was why he hadn’t just told me from the very
beginning, I leaned over and cupped his cheeks. His eyes flashed
between mine, like he was a wounded animal in a trap that he
desperately wanted to run from.

“Why didn’t you ever say anything to me?”

He immediately started shaking his head. “I know you. You’d want
me to meet with him. You’d want me to have some…bonding family
moment with him…and I…I can’t, Kiera.”

Sighing, I stroked his cheek with my thumb. “He’s your family,
Kellan…”

Kellan shot to his feet. “No, no he’s nothing to me!” Running
his hands back through his hair, he started looking around his
home, his parents’ home. “He left me. He took off and abandoned me.
He let me grown up with…
those
…people.” His body started
shaking, his jaw clenching. “He wanted nothing to do with me…so I
want nothing to do with him…”

His voice cracked in his anger and I stood. Stepping into his
trembling body, I ran my hand up his chest, to his jaw. The strong
muscles there were still clamped tight as Kellan looked anywhere
but directly at me. “He didn’t know what situation he was leaving
you in. How could he? Maybe he thought he was doing you a favor by
stepping away, by not permanently breaking up the family he’d
already…damaged.”

Kellan’s eyes snapped down to mine. “A favor? My dad used to
whip me with his belt when he got angry. He’d hit me so hard that I
had to sleep on my stomach for days afterwards. And I learned early
on that running away from him would only make it worse when he did
catch me. So I had to stand there, like a dog, and
let
him
beat me. How is that…a favor?”

Kellan’s eyes watered as he told me a horror that he never had
before. I swallowed the lump in my throat and shook my head. “He
didn’t know…maybe you should see him so you can tell him, so you
can finally talk about this stuff with someone.”

He brushed past me, shaking his head. “I don’t need to talk
about it, Kiera. I’m fine.” He looked back at me as he resumed his
pacing. “And I don’t need to see him…ever.” He raised his chin.
“Besides, I do have family. I have one aunt who despises me as much
as my mom did. But I don’t care. I don’t need them. I’m fine on my
own.”

Knowing Kellan hated to be on his own, hated being alone, I
shook my head and stepped in front of him, breaking his cycle of
movement. “That’s just it, you aren’t on your own anymore. You have
family members out there that
want
to get to know you.” He
started to look away from me and I ducked down to meet his eye.
“You have a sister, Kellan…don’t you want to know her?”

Sighing, he paused and looked over my shoulder. “Hailey told me
I have a brother, too…”

I smiled at how his family was getting bigger and bigger. He’d
been alone for so long, maybe this was a good thing, not the
nightmare he seemed to think it was. “Hailey? Is that your
sister?”

Kellan nodded, then looked back down at me. Shrugging, he said,
“I gave her my cell number once she told me who she was, and we’ve
kept in contact.” He smiled a little, then a short laugh escaped
him.  “She’s pretty funny. Pretty smart, too. We’ve been
talking a lot lately…she’s a good kid.”

My eyes widened as a puzzle piece locked into place. “That’s who
Jenny saw you talking to all the time when she was visiting Evan?
Your sister, right?”

Bunching his brows at me, he shook his head. “Jenny? In Texas?”
He looked away, puzzled, then looked back, an answer in his eyes.
“Is that why you thought I was cheating on you? Because Jenny saw
me laughing on the phone with someone else?”

I bit my lip and nodded. Pointing to his jacket on the hooks by
the front door, I frowned. “Plus all of the mysterious texts you
wouldn’t let me see. You have to admit that was kind of
suspicious.”

Hurt at how he’d tried to shut me out of his life crept into my
voice, and sighing, Kellan cupped my cheeks. “I’m sorry…I never
meant for any of this to hurt you. I just wasn’t ready…” He hung
his head and swallowed. “I wanted to tell you, so many times…but I
could never make myself say the words.”

Looking back up at me, he shrugged. “It was like, if I told
you…it was real…and I wanted to pretend that it wasn’t.” He closed
his eyes and shook his head. “I just wanted to ignore it…ignore
him…” His voice hardening, it started to warble with emotion. “But
Hailey gave him my number, and he texts me every day…every Goddamn
day…”

Opening his eyes, he dropped my cheeks and pinched the bridge of
his nose. “Every day he sends me messages, and every day I ignore
him.” Sighing, he tilted his head up to the ceiling. “And I’m
getting so tired of it all…I just want him to leave me alone.”

Leveling his head, he exhaled wearily. “I even thought about
changing my number, so he wouldn’t have it anymore, but…I wanted to
still be able to talk to you. And I couldn’t exactly tell you why I
wanted to change it, without telling you
why
I wanted to
change it.” He shrugged. “So I get painful texts everyday that I
try to forget about.”

Kellan sighed again and I saw the weariness in his expression.
The torment was getting to him. I supposed I could understand why
he’d want to hide from his dad. Why, out of spite or hatred, he’d
never want to see him again, but I couldn’t believe he’d let the
torture of his life chip away at him like he had. As I stared at
the weary man before me, I tried to picture the energetic man who’d
begun this fateful tour. They were nearly two different people
now.

He sniffed and scrubbed his eyes, clearly fighting against
breaking down and I rubbed his shoulder. “This is killing you,
Kellan, don’t you see that?”

He gave me a wry glance, like he thought I was overreacting, but
he didn’t see the threadbare person that he’d become in just a
matter of months. “No, it is. It’s eating at you…I can see it now.
Have you talked with anyone about this? The guys? Evan? Have you
been dealing with this alone…all this time?”

Slumping, he headed over to sit on the couch. “Who would I tell,
Kiera? Everyone thinks my dad died with my mom.” Looking up at me,
he shrugged. “You’re the only one I’ve ever been able to tell about
my dad…not being my real dad.” He swallowed. “I just can’t get the
words out around other people.” Tilting his head, he gave me sad
eyes. “Just you…”

Sitting beside him, I put my hand on his knee. “But your real
dad contacting you…? You had to keep that from me?”

He looked away. “I didn’t want to, and I did try to tell you a
couple times…” He looked back. “It was just too hard…too fresh.”
Lowering his head, he whispered, “I’m sorry if I hurt you…”

Cradling his head to my body, I felt the tears escape my eyes.
“It’s okay…I get it.” As he exhaled and wrapped his arms around me,
I whispered, “Christmas Day…was that text really from Griffin?”

Kellan stiffened in my arms, then pulled back. His eyes glossy,
he shook his head. “No…that was from him.” Cupping my cheek, his
deep blue eyes searched mine. “I’m so sorry I lied…I just didn’t
want you to ask…I wasn’t ready.”

I nodded, more tears sliding down my skin. “All those
texts…?”

“Were from him, I promise.” Leaning his head into mine, he gave
me a soft kiss. “They were all from him. I’ll let you look at them
if you want, if you don’t believe me, but that’s all I’ve been
hiding…I promise.” He kissed me again. “I promise…”

Letting all my fear and doubt melt away from me, I melded my
lips to his. “I believe you,” I whispered. And I did.

His fingers on my cheek wrapped around to my neck, drawing me
into the kiss we were sharing. So sure that we’d never have this
intimacy again, I savored the sweet taste of him, the intoxicating
smell of him. But even as our mouths started shifting the
conversation into a different one, a more physical one, I felt his
body trembling with the residual torment he was feeling.

Separating from his touch for a second, I pulled back to search
his face. Passion was there, as it always was when we were
together, but pain, too. “You need to see him, Kellan. You need to
put this chapter behind you, so you can move forward.”

He shook his head, leaning in to kiss me, to distract himself
with the only thing he really knew how to block pain with—sex. I
forced myself to push him back, even though a part of me wanted to
cave. “You need to,” I reiterated.

His eyes narrowing, he clamped his mouth shut. Inhaling deep, he
shook his head again. “This is exactly why I didn’t want to tell
you.” I started to object, to reason with him that talking with the
man who’d created him, then abandoned him, would help Kellan heal,
but he didn’t let me get out two words of my speech.

Mouth set in a firm line, eyes hardened into a firm decision, he
again shook his head. “No, you can save all of your logical reasons
and philosophical viewpoints. I will n
ever
see that man.
Got it?”

Then he stood up and walked away, shutting the door on the
conversation so hard that I felt my head rattle. Kellan wasn’t
ready and I didn’t think he ever would be.

I gave Kellan a few moments of peace, to collect himself, then I
went searching for him. I found him in his room, sitting on his
bed, staring at the wall. I didn’t know what he was thinking, what
he was feeling. His face was blank, expressionless, and I thought
that maybe he was just trying to not feel anything.

Leaning against his doorframe, I stared at him for long seconds.
He didn’t acknowledge my presence, just kept staring at the wall.
Containing a sigh, I whispered, “Can I come in?”

He inhaled and looked over at me. Nodding, he twisted back to
stare at the wall. Glancing at the spot he was staring at, I
noticed something I hadn’t before. There was a circular section of
the wall where the plaster was smooth, not textured like the rest
of the wall. It was fist-sized. I bit my lip, hating the thought of
Kellan hurting himself by punching a wall. It hadn’t happened while
I’d been here, so it must have been from before…maybe right after
his parents had died.

Sitting beside him on the bed, I laid my head on his shoulder.
He didn’t do anything at first, then he sighed and laid his head on
mine.

“I’m sorry if that was harsh, Kiera. I’m just…don’t push me on
this one, okay?”

Knowing this was exactly why he’d kept this secret from me in
the first place, I nodded on his shoulder. “Alright, Kellan.”

We stayed quietly resting against each other for several
minutes. I listened to his even breath, so long absent from my ear.
I placed my hand over his heart, just to feel the steady beat.
Closing my eyes, I whispered, “How long do you have? Until you have
to go back?” I knew he’d left abruptly, just to surprise me, and I
also knew he was incredibly busy, prepping the new album. I had to
imagine that I didn’t have very long with him.

He confirmed that with one long sigh. “I have a flight in the
morning, well, in a few hours now.”

I felt the tears prick my eyes. It was almost cruller that he’d
come back only to be ripped away again. But not really. We’d needed
this break. We’d needed these conversations. Clutching his shirt
under my fingertips, I wished things were different. I wished he
could stay here with me.

“I wish you didn’t have to go…”

He lifted his head off mine and I peeked up at him. Shaking his
head, he bunched his brows. “Do you still want to be with me?” he
whispered, looking afraid of my answer.

Blinking, I pulled back to search his face. “Of course.” My hand
reached up to brush his cheek. “I’m in love with you. Of course, I
still want to be with you.”

 He smiled and looked down. “I know I’m not the easiest
person to love…I thought maybe you’d had enough…”

Was he joking? I watched his eyes, downcast, sullen, and
realized he wasn’t. He really didn’t see anything of value in
himself to love. And why would he, when the people he’d loved the
most, and I truly did believe he’d loved his parents, despite their
cruelties, hadn’t been able to give him an ounce of love in return.
Sometimes family was the cruelest form of love there was, for no
one could hurt you more than the people who created you.

Forcing his head up, making him look at me, I gave him a warm
smile. “Loving you, Kellan, is so easy, it’s effortless.” His smile
matched mine, then I frowned and sighed. “Trusting you…that’s the
hard part.”

He sighed, his eyes dropping. “We messed up, didn’t we?”

“What do you mean?”

Peeking back up at me, he shrugged. “How we got together, the
lies, the betrayals…we doomed ourselves before we even started.” He
shook his head. “We love each other so much…and we don’t trust each
other at all.”

Hearing the fears that I’d had myself being spoken out loud by
him made my eyes water, made my stomach tighten. Was it even
possible to stay together? Maybe we shouldn’t. Love…wasn’t always
enough. And love without trust…was that even love? Maybe all we had
was lust after all.

Imagining never being with him again, imagining ending things
right here made me start to hyperventilate.  We couldn’t
end…we just couldn’t. We did love each other. It wasn’t just lust.
I loved him so much it nearly brought me to my knees.

I wrapped my arms around him as my breaths came in sharp pulls.
“Don’t leave me,” I begged, when I found the air to speak.

Kellan wrapped his arms around me just as tight. Voice cracking,
he murmured, “I won’t…I’m yours, Kiera, for as long as you want
me.”

Pulling back, I cupped his face. “Forever, I want you
forever.”

Gazing at me, a tear finally fell down his cheek and over my
fingers. “I want that too, Kiera.”

I brought my lips to his, needing to feel the love behind our
intense connection, not just the fire. It swept through me
instantly, growing in my chest until it was nearly painful.
Silently, our lips and the occasional sniffle the only sound, we
undressed each other.

When he laid me back on his sheets, his eyes swept down the
length of my body. The heat his gaze usually gave me wasn’t there.
I still wanted him, intensely, but what was burning through my
body, through my soul, was the need to connect with him. To comfort
him. To show him that someone in the world cared about him. I
wanted to give myself to him in a way that left me completely bare
and open. And I wanted him to do the same for me.

Cupping his cheek, I urged him on top of me. Our gazes locked as
I wrapped my legs around him. When he slowly slid into me, we both
opened our mouths, but neither one of us closed our eyes. He
searched my face as we silently began to move together. I felt
tears stinging as I whispered, “I love you, Kellan…only you.”

His eyes watered and he briefly closed his eyes. Opening them he
murmured, “And I only love you…I will only ever love you.”

He lowered his head to kiss me, our bodies still moving slow and
steady. When I felt the buildup of my love for him coming to an
apex, I grabbed his hand and squeezed it tight. He squeezed me back
just as hard. Slowing our pace instead of increasing it, I started
to shake with the impending release.

Kellan grabbed my cheek, sucking in a breath as he quickly
kissed me. “I love you. God, I love you so much…”

He let out a quick exhale, his body shuddering as he came. I
squeezed him tight as the intensity washed through me. I babbled
some incoherent phrase about loving him more than life itself, and
cinched my body around him as the joy flooded every muscle, every
nerve, every cell in my body.

Tingling with good feelings, we slumped against each other.
Wordlessly, Kellan repositioned us and curled into my body. Kissing
my hair, he whispered, “I promise I won’t keep anything from you
again.”

I nodded and kissed him back, the tears re-stinging my eyes.
“And I promise that I won’t keep anything either.”

He nodded and we clung to each other. We’d try again. It was all
we could do.

I woke up to my favorite thing in the world, a steaming cup of
coffee, practically under my nose. Kellan was squatting on my side
of the bed, holding it out to me, a content smile on his face, and
I reconsidered what my favorite thing in the world was. Smiling, I
ignored the cup and reached out for him.

“Hey,” I whispered, my lips lightly brushing his.

“Mornin’,” he whispered back.

I giggled at the words I’d missed so much, then carefully
grabbed the cup in his hand. “You are a Godsend,” I murmured,
taking a sip.

Chuckling, he ran a hand back through my hair. “You and
coffee…”

I flushed as I pulled the cup away. Fighting back remnants of
sleep, since I really hadn’t had much the night before, I glanced
at his clock. “What time is your flight?”

I looked back at him and he smiled wider. “I have to go soon.”
It was only then that I noticed that he was already wearing his
jacket, and his hair was slightly damp around the edges from a
recent shower. Wow, I guess I’d been exceptionally tired. Breaking
up will do that to you.

I sat up, sloshing a bit of coffee over my mug. “Well, I’ll get
ready. I’ll come with you.”

Rescuing my cup from my frantic hands, Kellan set it on the
nightstand and shook his head at me. “No, I want you to stay here
and relax.” I frowned at him and he smiled. “Every separation
between us seems to be long and dramatic, like we’re never going to
see each other again.” He ran the back of his knuckle over my
cheek. “It’s like we’re…savoring every moment because we both think
it might be the last.”

I bit my lip and nodded; I’d had those same thoughts. Kellan
grinned, seeing my agreeance. “So, let’s break out of that cycle.”
Inhaling deep, he sat up straighter. “Goodbye, sweetheart. I have
to go to work.”

Grinning at him, I shrugged. “See ya.”

Laughing at me, he shook his head and leaned in for a kiss.
“Keep the bed warm for me,” he murmured against my mouth. I was
giggling when he pulled away. “I’ll call you when I land.”

I nodded. As if on cue, his phone in his jacket chirped. I
glanced at his pocket and raised an eyebrow. Kellan rolled his eyes
and sighed. Pulling his phone out, he glanced at the number. “That
would be my father with his morning message.” He raised an eyebrow
at me. “There will be an afternoon and an evening one, I’m
sure.”

He hit the end button without even reading it. I frowned. “Don’t
you even read them?”

Sniffling, he put his phone back in his pocket. “No. I never
read them and I never respond.” Lowering his head, he glanced up at
me. “That’s why I freaked out when you were going to. I don’t want
him to be…encouraged.” He looked up at me fully. “I want him to
stop.”

I bit my lip, hard, wanting to object but knowing that Kellan
wasn’t going to budge on the matter, and he’d get mad if I started
in on him again. I nodded, then a question slipped out without my
permission. “What does your sister think about you ignoring
him?”

Kellan sighed and moved to sit on the bed beside me. “She thinks
I’m being stubborn. She doesn’t understand why I’m hurting him by
refusing to…” He stopped talking and pulled his phone back out.
“She asks me to give him a chance, every time I talk to her.”

“Wise girl,” I muttered.

Kellan heard me and lifted an eyebrow. Not wanting to start an
argument, I held out my hand for the phone. “Can I read it?” Kellan
narrowed his eyes and I quickly added, “I won’t respond,” I
shrugged, “but I feel like someone should at least read them.”

Kellan pondered it for a moment, then slowly gave me his phone.
I wanted to jump for joy at the level of trust he’d just shown me.
Maybe there was hope for us yet. Not wanting to betray that trust,
I held the phone in one hand, found my way to his inbox and opened
the missed message. Then I held the phone in my palm, all of my
text-writing digits away from the device.

I read the message Kellan refused to, and tears stung my eyes.
‘Please, talk to me today. There’s so much I need to tell
you.’

Biting my lip, I flipped to another.
‘I know you’re angry,
but please don’t shut me out.’

And another.
‘I can be a part of your life, if you let me.
Please call me.’

I flipped to a few more and they were all similar—I need to talk
to you, please call me, I want to explain—and even one, near the
end of the saved messages on Kellan’s phone, that read,
‘I
regret leaving. Let me make it up to you…son.’

I had to wipe away a tear at that one. It was the message dated
Christmas morning. If Kellan had just let me read it…all these
months of secrets and held-back truths wouldn’t have happened.
Things between Kellan and I wouldn’t have been nearly as
strained.

Seeing my reaction, Kellan whispered, “What…what did he
say?”

Sighing, I shook my head and handed him the phone. He didn’t
look at it as he put it in his pocket. “He just wants a chance to
explain. He wants to get to know you.” I placed my hand on his
cheek. “He regrets leaving you, Kellan.”

Kellan’s eyes misted and he nodded. Swallowing a couple of
times, he stood up. “I should get going.”

Staring up at him, at the moody, gorgeous, soulful man that he
was, I smiled and hoped he’d let his father in…one day. Appearing
deep in thought, Kellan was halfway through the door when I called
his name. He looked back at me sprawled on his bed, naked under the
light sheet that I had wrapped around my torso, and smiled
contently.

“I just wanted to wish you luck on the end of your tour, and
tell you…” I bit my lip and he smiled wider. Seeing the happiness,
even under his current confusion, I giggled. “I’ll be here when you
get back.” I motioned with my eyes to indicate his house.

His line of sight followed mine and he beamed at me. Taking a
step back into the room, he asked, “You’re moving back in with
me?”

I nodded, giggling more as I wrapped my arms around my knees.
I’d sort of decided that the moment he’d left, but recent events
had…solidified the decision. He shook his head at me, then took off
his jacket. I stared at him, confused, as he stripped his shirt off
and then started unbuttoning his jeans.