Elemental Fear (10 page)

I passed the living room I smiled and waved at my little sister playing with her jigsaws on the carpet. “Hey sweetie.”

“Lou is having a little baby
.” She beamed at me “it’s in her tummy but we have to wait for it to pop out.”

I laughed and nodded at her.

“Have you got one too?” She asked giving a curious glance at my stomach. “I haven’t got one in mine, and I asked mummy but she said she hasn’t got one either.”

I smiled but the thought of a baby, Elliott’s baby growing inside me made me feel ill. I could barely protect myself from him let alone an innocent child. “No I don’t have a baby in my tummy.”

“Can you get one? I want mummy to put one in her tummy so I can have a baby brother. I’d like a brother.” She said her sweet little sing song voice making me feel happy inside

“Have you had your toast?” I asked trying to steer the conversation before the dreaded ‘how do babies get in your tummy’.

“Not yet.”

I held out my hand “come on then titch lets go get some breakfast.” Just as we were leaving the living room Louise came out of the bathroom, her complexion pale and ghostly, her eyes were red rimmed and she seemed unsteady on her feet. When she lifted her head and spotted Ellie and I standing there she offered a weak smile.

“Morning.”

“You
okay?” I asked.

She nodded “Obviously this baby doesn’t like the taste of tea in the morning.”

“Maybe some apple juice?” I offered a comforting smile.

She nodded and walked towards us. As she approached, I leaned towards her and gave her a hug.

As we entered the kitchen mum pulled out a chair for Ellie and placed her toast down then reached behind her for some apple juice. “They say digestive or ginger biscuit sometimes settles your stomach.”

Lou just shook her head.

“Is this the first time you’ve felt like this?” I asked Louise.

“No, it’s been like this for a few days now; it’s the first time I've actually been sick though. That’s what made me take a test
.” She flushed red when she caught dad’s gaze. “And why do they call it morning sickness, I feel shi...rubbish most of the day.”

mum
smiled “Yeah I remember that too, smells used to set me off, especially if I went near a bakery. Oh and tea and coffee were a definite no no! Once it goes though it’s wonderful to feel a life growing inside of you.”

“Hmm
.” Louise mumbled.

“
mummy?” Ellie interrupted with a mouthful of toast “Yes?”

“Can you put a brother in your tummy for me please
?” She asked in the sweetest voice. “Maybe ask Santa to bring one for Christmas, he brought me my dolly for being a good girl”

We all laughed at her sweet little question.

“Sweetheart Santa doesn’t bring real babies only toys.” mum said in a soft voice petting her on the head.

“Who puts them in your tummy then?” Ellie asked with a frown.

“Erm...” Dad offered uselessly.

“I can’t wait to hear this.” Louise laughed.

Sharp as a button my little sister turned to Louise a concerned look on her face “Why do you need to listen, you have a baby. Who put your baby in your tummy?” Louise flushed bright red and looked at mum pleading with her eyes.

“Listen Ellie, babies are made through love. When a
daddy and a mummy love one another sometimes that love can create a baby. It’s a special way of...of...showing their love.”

Ellie pondered this a moment and I could see in her eyes the questions weren’t going to stop there “
Okay.” She paused a while “Bethany Giles’ doesn’t have a daddy she has two mummy’s. And Jordan Binks doesn’t have a daddy he just has a mummy and a grandma.”

“Really?”
mum said. “Now eat your toast.”

“Daddy?” Ellie said in a questioning tone.

“Yes sweetheart?”

“Can you tell
mummy you love her and put a baby in her tummy I want a brother?”

Dad smiled and looked at
mum. “Maybe, later sweetheart.” He winked at mum and she smiled sweetly, a slight heated blush began rising in her cheeks.

“Urgh...morning sickness here already thanks.” Louise groaned. I laughed placing my head in my hands.

We all finished breakfast listening to Ellie ramble on about the different fairies living in her bedroom. It was a nice peaceful breakfast, no interruptions from Elliott.

I text Dominic to let him know I was ready to leave for work whenever he was ready.

Morning. Ready to leave when you are x

A few minutes later he replied:

Just finishing my coffee

I smiled, feeling a little giddy. It was ridiculous how such a small amount of contact with him brightened my day. It was apparent that my feelings for Dominic were escalating at a rapid pace and I needed to try and reign them back in. But today I was going to enjoy the freedom from Elliott and this happy buzz.

I said my goodbyes and headed next door.

I practically skipped up the steps, I knocked once and went in. With years of living next to one another and practically living in one another’s houses we no longer bothered with formalities of waiting to be invited in. In fact we had keys to one another’s homes so it made no sense really. As I walked into the kitchen I could hear Dominic speaking in a gentle voice and what sounded like a woman crying. I stepped closer to the doorway, remaining out of sight.

“I just...don’t...understand.” She wailed.

“Listen to me V.”

“No, I thought you loved me?” She asked in a whiny voice. “I never said I wanted to get married.” He responded.

“Dominic do you love me
?” She asked through gritted teeth, from here I could hear the annoyance laced with desperation in her voice.

“I care for you –“

“Do you love me? Say you love me Dominic. I can wait to get married, we can...I don’t know...we could try living together then get married in a few years.”

I didn’t hear him reply but it must not have been the one she wanted.

“Why? Why do you want to give up on us? I love you. We are good together. You...this is just a...we can wait...I can wait.”

“I don’t want to get married Vanessa, at all – as in never.”

“Then we won’t I don’t mind –“

“Yes you do, it’s what you’ve always wanted. Marriage, 2.4 kids a golden retriever, the perfect little family. That isn’t me, I don’t want that.” Dominic stated adamantly.

“Well I don’t care. As long as I have you I don’t care.” Her voice echoed with fear and anxiety. I imagined her clinging to him.

“But what kind of man would that make me to deny you those things? You’re thirty five now, you should be getting ready to start a family and I am nowhere near that kind of commitment, I honestly don’t think I ever will be. I don’t see marriage in my future at all.”

“Okay, well we’ve talked about it now, and I promise not to bring it up again, we can –“

“No, no it has to end V, I can’t do this to you anymore. You want different things to me, I do care about you –“

“I don’t want you to care. I want you to love me. It’s just you’ve frozen every woman out because of her –“

“Don’t start that Vanessa
.” He warned “I was honest from the moment we first kissed. I have never mentioned marriage or long term commitment –“

“We’ve been together for
six
years! How is that not long term? I admit we started out as friends that occasionally slept together but it became more than that, we became more. You said you loved me. I asked you if you loved me and you said you did.” I heard her voice break into a sob.

“But don’t you see you shouldn’t have to ask. I...God this is hard...if this was it for me then you wouldn’t need to ask about love, I would spend my days telling you and showing you how much I love you. You need someone that can’t make it a few hours without seeing you, or hearing your voice. You need someone who will make up stupid reasons just to touch you or make you smile because seeing that makes his days brighter. You need a love where the very essence of you is imprinted on his soul and no matter what he does you are with him always. His heart will feel like it beats with the sole purpose of loving you.” His voice had a passionate reverence to it as if he was explaining his darkest secrets.

“You have that?” She choked out. Again I didn’t hear his response only her soft sobbing. “You feel that way for her. I never had a chance did I? You’ve loved her for so long you can’t let anyone else in.” She said softly. My heart picked up and blood rushed to my ears buzzing with the frenzied flow.

“You are a perfect woman Vanessa.”

“Just not the perfect woman for you.” the tone in her voice was definitely a statement not a question.

“I'm sorry, all I want is for you to be happy.” the sadness in his voice nearly broke my heart. You would think hearing Dominic break up with Vanessa would make me happy, but the pain in both of their voices was crushing. I was almost hyperventilating over the ‘you’ve loved her, for so long – dare I hope?

“All I want is you.” Her voice was so quiet I barely heard her. A few quiet moments passed and I considered leaving the kitchen and going back outside. Suddenly I heard Vanessa’s heels clicking on the wooden floor towards the kitchen and a surge of panic hit me. I couldn’t be caught listening; I turned and frantically looked for somewhere to go. I scurried to the kitchen pantry and hid in the alcove waiting until they both left, then I would go back home and return pretending I had never heard them.

I waited a few moments after the front door closed and stepped out of my hiding place, I stepped around the corner watching my feet, tip toeing like a child trying to sneak up on Santa Christmas Eve.

“What the hell?” I heard a deep voice and my head snapped up. “Eve?”

I stood there staring into his shocked cerulean eyes momentarily frozen. “I...I...”

He pointed into the living room “you heard all that didn’t you?”

I nodded and lowered my gaze to look at the floor.

“Shit!”

“I’m sorry. I took your text to mean come over, I should have waited, I didn’t realise Vanessa was here.” I felt a ridiculous amount of shame at being caught but more so for doing something that warranted being caught.

He sat down at the dining table leaning back he looked at the ceiling and ran his hands through his hair a sure sign of his frustration, and then he leant forward placing his elbows on his knees and hid his face in his hands.

“I fucked that up.” his defeated tone hurt to hear.

I didn’t say anything I stood nervously watching him. I wanted to go to him, to run my fingers through his hair and sooth him but my feet remained rooted to the floor.

“I never meant to hurt her
.” He slid his hands to his hair again and gripped at the soft strands in tight fists. “It wasn’t fair to keep...fuck me...how did I let it get this far? I’ve acted like a complete and utter selfish bastard, and she never deserved that.”

Again I remained silent. He lifted his head and rubbed his hands down his face; I heard the scratch of his stubble against his hands and inappropriately wondered what that would feel like against my skin. He refused to look at me and stared out of the window.

“She is perfect, I should be falling over myself to be with her, you know?” He turned his head and those orbs of blue penetrated straight through me. I swallowed but no words would form to answer him. “The heart wants what the heart wants though and I can’t pretend mine wants her anymore.” He put his head in his hands again but I caught the look of shame wash over his face.

My hands itched to touch him, to comfort him but the feelings I harbored for him made me feel like it would be shameful to offer such support. But he’s your friend first! Could I offer support and not relish in the close contact of him, would it be wrong to comfort him, hold him and feel like my heart was going to break out of my chest? But watching him slumped and defeated in the chair broke my heart, I didn’t want him hurting and I couldn’t stand so far away without comforting him. He has helped me on more than one occasion without having any ulterior motive, so I should return the favour and keep my emotions under wraps. With that thought I walked towards him, I must have been quiet because when I lifted my hand and softly ran my fingers through his hair his body gave a slight jerk. I didn’t stop though; I simply spread my fingers a little wider to feel the soft waves of his hair. The waves teased my knuckles and I became entranced by the movement, almost like a boat sailing through calm water. A soft moan echoed through the room brining me back to reality. When my hand stilled in his hair, Dominic lifted his face to look up at me. I felt his hands circle my waist and pull me towards him. He opened his legs and moved me to stand between his legs. I lifted my other hand and threaded it through his hair, cradling the back of his head with my hands, he swallowed hard the bobbling of his Adams apple transfixing me to the contours of his throat and he closed his eyes as if my touch was sheer bliss. His head fell forward and pressed against my stomach, his arms banded around me in a tight hold. At first I remained still, unmoved but then I cradled his head to me, holding him, comforting him, but mainly loving him.