Ember (5 page)

Roxie

Later that night, I’m trying to spend time alone, but I’m not being very successful. It seems like somebody is always there with a watchful eye on me.

It’s a little chilly outside, so I have a blanket wrapped around me as I sit around the pool. I’ve managed to be alone out here for about twenty minutes, but I can already hear footsteps coming from inside the kitchen, and then I see Paige pop her head around the corner.

“Hey,” she greets me. “What are you doing out here all alone?”

I love Paige, she’s my cousin, but I would love nothing more than to tell her to go away. I can’t, though. I’m not a mean person, or at least I try not to be.

“Just wanted to figure out some stuff,” I answer honestly. I can’t think about anything other than Mason and what I saw. I’m pretty proud of myself of how I handled it, but I will say that I fought hard to not go and pick up a bottle when I ran inside. Dealing with Mason and his whore for the night brought back memories. I tried to get over them, but when they came back, I wanted to drown them out. However, I did myself proud. I remembered what I learned back in rehab. That I needed to be strong, I wanted my life back, and I didn’t want to be that drunken mess again. My head was full of so much negative thoughts and darkness that I never want to see again. It was pretty fucking scary, and when I remembered that, I got a glass of orange juice instead.

“So, where have you all been this morning? I woke up and you were gone. Well, apart from Ria.” She smirks.

“The girls haven’t told you?” I ask her.

“No. I did ask, though, but they told me it’s your business to tell.” She leans her head to the side as she studies me. “We all care for you and love you here, honey.”

“I woke up and found out that Mason had sex last night,” I blurt.

Paige gasps. “What?”

“Yeah, turns out she’s his usual hook up. He says he’s sorry, and that it’s just sex between them, but it still fucking hurts. And she was a right skinny little Barbie bitch.”

Paige moves closer to me. “Oh honey, I’m so sorry.”

“No, don’t be. I don’t have the right to be jealous or mad. I did this to us. I slept with another man. I started this.” I wipe away a lone tear.

“Don’t talk so much shit!” she shouts. “Yes, you did wrong, but it stopped there. Mason can’t just sleep with someone, thinking that you should feel fine about it. You still love him. Of course you’re going to get hurt, and if he still loved you, he shouldn’t have done that. No matter where you are in your relationship.”

“I don’t think there is a relationship anymore,” I whisper and start to cry.

***

After I broke down in front of Paige, I decided that I wanted to go to bed. I laid on my bed and cried by myself, but it was better than anyone watching me. I can’t, however, fall asleep. Instead, I run through memories and try to figure out the future as I lay on the bed, staring off into space.

I’m with my back to the door, which is probably why the girls think I’m asleep. They talk amongst themselves as they stand outside the room, and because I can’t be bothered to move, I just stay still and listen.

“She told me what happened,” Paige says, “And I told Ria. I didn’t think it would matter.”

“No,” Lacey responds. “It’s probably best we all know. I think we just need to keep a watchful eye over her.”

“What, like babysit her?” Ria asks.

“She’s not going to like that,” Crystal laughs.

“No, she won’t, but we just need to make sure she doesn’t sink back into her old ways for her own health’s sake.” Lacey sighs. “I don’t want to have to not trust her. I
do
trust her...it’s just I can’t bear to see her like that again.”

“We know,” Paige adds.

“I really wish they would make up,” Ria moans. “I always thought they were perfect together.”

“They are,” Crystal replies. “You can see how much they love each other. They just need to get past this. The strongest couples survive the worst situations. Maybe if they just give themselves some time and work it out, they can come through this.”

“I’m sure they will eventually,” Lacey says. She sounds so hopeful, and I wish I could share the same enthusiasm.

“I’m just scared that they’re both so hurt by all of this, that they will never heal from it.” Paige adds, and my heart sinks as my own fears come out of her mouth.

Roxie

The next morning starts like the day before. I wake up early due to feeling sick. With my pyjama shorts and vest top on, I run to the nearest toilet just in time. Once again, the pulling on my stomach hurts and it brings tears to my eyes. When it’s finally over, I lean my hot forehead against the cool wall, letting it calm me.

“You’re pregnant.”

I gasp and see Lacey standing in the doorway, watching me.

“What?” I ask her and quickly get up from the floor and clean myself up.

“Every morning since you arrived here you have been sick, and then some more throughout the days. You’re off certain foods that you once loved, and your boobs are looking bigger from what they usually do.”

I look down to my breasts as they strain against my top. They
have
started to become fuller.

“I’m just ill,” I lie and hate myself for it.

Lacey stares down at me and then shocks me by shaking her head and storming off. I look around the door and see she’s walking away quickly.

“Lace, where are you going?” I shout.

“Away from you,” she snaps.

“Why?” I run after her as she storms down the stairs.

“Because you’re lying again!” she yells, and her voice echoes through the halls.

“You’re going to wake everyone,” I whisper.

This makes her turn to face me once she’s at the bottom of the stairs. Her face looks angry and my guilt doubles. She’s right: I’m lying once again. Why can’t I just tell her?

“I don’t care. Why are you lying to me, Rox? I thought we were best friends.”

“We are,” I say desperately. “It’s complicated.”

“Why?” Lacey asks.

I take her hand in mine and lead her outside. I take her to the chairs far away from the doors so we won’t be overheard.

I take a deep breath and look her in the eye. “It’s true, I am pregnant.”

“I knew it!” Lacey bounces up and down in her seat.

I place a hand on her leg to try and calm her. “Shh!”

“Why?” Lacey looks confused.

“Nobody knows,” I confess.

“Not even Mason?” She asks.

I shake my head. “Especially not Mason.”

Lacey’s smile fades. “Why? He’s the father.”

I feel her stare and my gaze lowers to the floor. My shame is eating at me.

“Have you taken any tests? How far along are you?” she asks.

“I haven’t done anything. I just know that I’ve missed two periods, maybe three, but I wasn’t sober enough to take notice.”

Lacey quickly stands. “Well, let’s go then.”

“What?” I look up at her.

Lacey crouches down in front of me and holds my hands. “First we need to get some pregnancy tests, and then we make a doctor’s appointment. We need to know for certain, and then make sure everything is ok.”

“Why wouldn’t they be?” I start to panic.

Lacey strokes my hair behind my ears and speaks softly. “Every pregnancy needs monitoring, but just in case you were pregnant while you were drinking, we need to make sure that the baby is ok.”

Oh god!

“Why didn’t I think of that?” I panic further.

Lacey holds me and tries her best to calm me, but it’s no use. I’ve been so preoccupied to make sure I don’t drown in my sorrows again, and to make sure I don’t drink, that I didn’t think! I didn’t even think about the possible damage to my baby. What kind of mother does that make me? I’m failing before I’ve even started.

“You’ve been preoccupied, honey. Come on.” Lacey holds her hand out and I take it and stand.

When we re-enter the house, we run into the other girls sitting in the kitchen. They seem surprised to see us.

“What’s the matter?” Crystal quickly stops from eating her breakfast.

Lacey looks to me and then back to the girls. “We’re just popping out for a little bit.”

“Where?” Paige asks.

Lacey pulls me away, ignoring her question, but I fight against her. “No, they need to know, too. I’m sick of lying.”

That gets their full attention. “What’s happening?” Ria asks, sounding a little anxious.

I sit down at the table and motion for them to do the same. They follow, and once they are all seated, I tell them that I am pregnant and about my fears. Not the fears that this baby could be Joe’s, but that my drinking could have harmed my unborn baby. I don’t even worry about the possibility that Mason might not be my baby’s father, but I’m concerned about its health.

They try to comfort me just like Lacey did, but it doesn’t help. I need proof that my baby is ok.

We quickly get ready, and Lacey lets Cole know we’re leaving. He seems a little puzzled that we don’t want a driver, but agrees when Lacey whispers sweet nothings into his ear. He slaps her ass and tells her to hurry up and off we go.

“You’re such a slut, Lace,” Crystal laughs as she starts the car, and we all leave.

***

“Another positive,” Paige reads the fifth pregnancy test, and I smile back.

“I already knew that. I just want to know it’s ok.” I look down at my stomach as my tears fall onto my lap.

“Your baby will be fine, babe,” Crystal reassures me.

“I’ll make you an appointment with the doctor, don’t worry.” Lacey kisses me on the cheek. “Everything will be alright.”

“When are you going to tell Mason?” Ria smiles wide and everyone looks to me.

“I’m not,” I admit.

“What are you talking about?” Lacey asks. “You have to! It’s his baby, too.”

“But that’s the thing,” I cry. “I don’t know if he is.”

“Roxie, what are you saying?” Paige asks, and I know, from the sound of her voice, that she’s afraid of what I will say.

I look them all in the eye. “This baby will either be Mason’s, who I know will be a great father to my baby and I’m really wishing it is, but I’m scared that this baby could be the result from Joe raping me.” I start to cry again. “As much as I love this baby already, this whole situation is a disaster! No matter what happens, Mason will never give me another chance whether the baby is his or not.”

It’s just one thing after another with my life.

“Oh, shit.” Crystal kneels next to me. “Honey, why have you kept this to yourself?”

“Because I’m ashamed,” I admit and trying badly to avoid eye contact.

“Let me just make one thing clear: You have
nothing
to be ashamed of.” Crystal looks up at me, her bright green eyes boring into my brown ones. “Nothing.”

“Are you keeping the baby?” Paige asks.

I nod my head. “It doesn’t matter who the father is; even if Joe’s the father, this baby is half of me, and I love it already.”

“Damn right,” Ria smiles.

“We love your baby, too,” Lacey says and hugs me.

The huge weight that was pulling me down lifts and I feel so much better now. I’m so glad the girls know everything because I don’t feel so alone anymore. All I have to worry about now is Mason.

Mason

I’m an idiot.

I’m a dick.

I’m a stupid fucking fool!

I’m sitting on my couch feeling sorry for myself. I have been for most of the day, ignoring every phone call and knock on the door. Me and Roxie are over, so why do I feel so guilty for sleeping with Natasha? I shouldn’t have done that in the first place, but I still wish Roxie hadn’t seen that. Everyone, especially me, knows how badly she shouldn’t have seen me with Natasha. But here we are.

Everything’s in a fucking mess and I don’t know where to go from here. As much as I still love Roxie, I don’t think I could go there again. I fell fucking hard for her and she went and crushed the little heart I only had to begin with.

My phone rings again and when I look down at the screen, I see it’s Natasha.
For fuck’s sake!

I hang up the call and throw my phone on the other couch when it starts to ring again. I know her game and I’m stupid for fucking even calling her in the first place. As soon as she gets the smallest bit of attention, she craves more. During the last tour, before I met Roxie, it took me a long fucking time until she finally got the hint that I wasn’t interested in her. I have a bad fucking feeling I’ve landed myself right back in it.

Never again. I need to stay clear of Natasha.

I guess seeing Roxie fucked with my head more than I thought it would. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have reached out to the leech that is Natasha.

Fuck, but Roxie looked good. Her face, though, showed her hurt at seeing that I had slept with someone else, and it’s true what she said: I have no right to be angry with her when I’ve just slept with Natasha. We may not be together anymore, but we’re not exactly single, either. We are in the tricky middle part, and I fucking hate it.

A knock on the door snaps me from my thoughts of Roxie. I don’t answer it. I have no interest in talking to anyone right now, but the door opens anyway.

“What the fuck?” I shout as I quickly stand.

Cole walks in, frowning at me, and he is followed by Tate and Booker. They don’t look very pleased, either, and I don’t have to guess why they all look angry with me. Hell, I’m fucking angry with myself.

“Why aren’t you answering the door?” Cole asks.

“Rather be alone.” I sit back down.

“You could have fucking answered the phone!” Tate points over to the house phone that connects to the alarm system.

When the gates are locked, you either have to know the code or have the keys. Seeing as I changed the code this morning so none of them could get in, I’m guessing they have Cole’s spare keys.

“Like I said, I want to be alone,” I repeat.

Booker slams the door and takes place on the chair opposite me. “You feeling sorry for yourself?” he asks sarcastically.

I don’t bother answering, and Cole sits down beside me. “Why wouldn’t you let Tate in?”

“Didn’t want to see anyone,” I reply.

“Is that because you know we were speaking the truth yesterday?” he asks.

I just shrug my shoulders, not really answering, but we all know he’s right.

“Come on, Mase, get up and go help your girl,” Tate adds.

“We’re not together anymore,” I grind out.

“So if Roxie were to find another man, you wouldn’t mind?” Booker asks.

I quickly stand. “Why? You saying that man is you?” I shout.

Booker scratches his chin. “Could be...I reckon I could take care of her.”

I storm over to him, but just when I’m about to land a punch square in his face, Cole and Tate appear between us.

“Watch yourself, Book,” Cole warns him.

Booker stands, but Cole and Tate are still in the middle of us. Booker smiles widely at me, a kind of smug grin.

“She’s not your woman, right?” he asks. “But you were about to lay me down for even thinking about making her mine.”

My jaw tenses as I realize I fell for his trick.

Booker laughs. “She’s still yours, Mason, everyone fucking knows it, and if you were honest with yourself, you would as well.”

Cole and Tate move away when they realize what Booker is actually doing.

“You still love her,” Booker carries on.

“That doesn’t solve everything,” I spit out.

“It’s a start,” Tate offers.

“Why is everyone so interested in my love life?” I ask them.

“Come on, Mase!” Cole shouts. “Since she left, you haven’t been yourself!”

“You really think I can just forget everything?” I shout back.

Tate shakes his head, a sad look on his face. “You might not see it, but we all do.”

“See what?” I ask.

“Have you not looked at her properly?” Booker asks.

“What are you talking about? Of course I’ve looked at her!” I shout.

“No.” Cole shakes his head. “
Really
looked at her? If you did, you would be able to tell she regrets everything she has done. She carries the weight of that around with her. It’s fucking obvious to see.”

“So why haven’t I seen it?” I ask.

They don’t say anything, and as they avoid looking at me, I realize why. I
have
seen it. From the first time I saw Roxie in Cole’s living room window, I saw that she was sorry and feeling guilt. I just probably chose not to acknowledge it.

“You need to man up,” Cole demands.

I nod my head and sit back down on the sofa. The guys are right. I don’t know what’s going to happen between Roxie and me in the future, but what I do know is that I’m not going to upset her again. I will do my best by her. Of course I still love her, I just don’t know where we stand. Loving her isn’t the answer to everything in this situation. I will watch over her. Make sure she doesn’t fall back into the same old dark path.

With a new set of balls, I come to my senses. I might not be certain if we are still a couple, but she needs me right now, and I will be here for her.