Ember (2 page)

Roxie

Being home alone feels weird and I feel so out of place here.

I haven’t been here in so long and I can that tell Lacey hasn’t, either. It feels empty. This was once our favorite place to be; we had so many parties and so many memories here. It was filled with our belongings and always scented with her perfume and floral scents that she had to have in each room. But now, they have obviously run out and are empty as I smell nothing. I feel very unwelcome and I can’t wait to go.

Not wanting to sit around on the sofa for a minute longer, I go for a much needed hot bubble bath. Now, this I have missed!

When my skin is wrinkly from the bath, and the water has turned cold, I get ready and start to pack. I try to bring most of my belongings with me.

Lacey told me she had booked me my flight for tonight, so I have enough time to get something to eat, but I feel so nervous I hardly touch a thing.

After I quickly wash my plate and cutlery, I take one last look round the place and eagerly leave for my waiting taxi outside. I might be some hours early, but I can’t wait in that apartment any longer.

“Going to some place nice?” the driver asks.

I give him a tight smile. “Going to see some friends.”

“That will be nice,” he smiles back, and I don’t like the way his eyes linger on me before he starts to drive. I’m glad his eyes are now on the road because I do not like the way his look makes me feel. It’s like I’m with Joe again and I begin to shake. After Joe, I’ve noticed I don’t like any man’s eyes on me.

While at the airport, I make the huge mistake of walking through duty free and I regret this almost immediately. I get to the many bottles of alcohol, all different sizes and different brands, and they scream at me. They beg me to reach out and touch them. Just one little drop.

I race through them, sweating and breathing hard as I push past people.
I need to get the fuck out of here!

I’m panicking and I need fresh air!

I find an empty spot at the end of the airport and race to it. I need some space. I lean against the wall and try to even my breathing. Shit, I knew this would be hard.

“Roxie?” I hear her voice. I’m imaging things, surely I am. She can’t be here. “Rox? Are you ok?”

I open my eyes and, sure enough, Lacey stands in front of me, looking concerned.

“Lacey? What are you doing here?”

I rush towards her and hold tight. God, I am so glad to see her.

“As if I would let you travel alone.” She pulls back to get a good look at me. “You ok?”

I nod. “Yeah, just got a little panicked back there.”

“You look good, Rox.” She smiles wide and I feel a little pride run through me.

Lacey leads me to a guarded entrance and takes my passport from me.

“Where are we going?” I ask her.

This makes her grin wider. “The perks of knowing the band: we’re flying on the private plane!”

I smile back and Lacey returns to lead me through check-in. I can’t lie, I’m nervous to get on that plane again. It’s where everything started to go wrong for me and I’m scared to go on board again.

When I see the sofa, memories come flooding back. I remember sitting on that very leather sofa with Mason, hating every second as I watched Lacey and Cole together.

Lacey takes hold of my hand, snapping me from my dark memories. She leads me over to another sofa and we sit together.

“You look tired,” she observes, after the hostess gives us the safety speech and leaves us.

“Haven’t gotten much sleep lately,” I admit.

“Worried about coming out here?” she asks.

“To be honest, a little.”

“Rox, we’re all here to help you. I only want what is best for you. You need to be totally honest with me and tell me everything.”

I nod my head and hate myself.
There’s a secret I can’t tell her. She might not understand.

Lacey scoots away a little to the other end of the small sofa and pats her knee.

“I’m here to look after you now. Rest your head and get some sleep. You look like you need it.”

I don’t even argue. I am so tired I can already feel my eyes getting heavy. I lay my head on her knees and get comfortable. Lacey begins to stroke my hair and my eyes close. My body relaxes and my breathing slows.

“Go to sleep, honey,” she whispers.

Lacey doesn’t stop playing with my hair, digging her nails in slightly as she does. She knows I love my hair being played with. My eyes become heavier and it’s not long before her hands and the soft sway of the plane make me fall asleep.

Roxie

Lacey wakes me up with a gentle nudge. “We’re here, honey.”

I sit up and stretch out the stiffness in my neck. It doesn’t even feel like I’ve been asleep for very long, but I needed it.

When the plane lands, I follow Lacey out and watch as men carry our bags into the waiting car. I have a sense of déjà vu, thinking about the last time I stepped off this plane when I see some similar images as men carry bags into the waiting limo.

Thinking of Mason hurts. I miss him so bad. I really want to see him, but I’m scared that when I do, it will cause me pain. I will either feel like shit for what I have done to us or hurt from the disgust I see on his face.  Or probably both.

The more time I spend with Lacey the more memories come flooding back, probably because she was there most of the time, so she’s causing the sparks. It doesn’t help that we’re on the band’s plane, though, and that we’re heading to his brother’s house where I will stay.

I can’t ignore that the memories of me and Mason are harder to face than when I was safe in rehab, and I just know it will only get worse.

Lacey continues to smile over at me as we ride in the back of the car. She seems very comfortable and it makes me wonder how many times she’s been driven around like this before. Most likely a lot if she’s spending all her time with Cole.

We arrive at the front gates, and I have to stop my mouth from dropping open.

“What the fuck?” I whisper, and Lacey giggles beside me.

“Amazing, right?” Her face beams.

“Amazing? It’s more than that,” I laugh as I stare out at the greenery.

As we drive further down the private road, I notice others winding away into different directions.

“Those lead to the guys’ houses,” Lacey informs me.

So all four of them live on the same property, yet have enough space to when they want time alone. Smart, and, seeing as what they do for a living, it makes sense.

We arrive at another set of gates and I know right away that this house is Cole’s. It’s not only huge, but also gorgeous. I’m surprised at how nice the flowers that I spot around the house are. Obviously not Cole’s doing.

Lacey opens the car door and steps out, but I don’t move right away. Instead, I continue to stare at the house exterior, psyching myself up to go inside.

What if I see Mason? How will I feel?

“Rox?” Lacey leans back into the car. “You ok in there?”

I slowly nod my head and stretch out my sweaty palms.

Lacey places her hand on my shoulder. “None of the guys are here. You have nothing to worry about. I promise you.”

I look into her eyes and believe her. Taking a deep breath, I follow her out of the car and feel grateful that she’s holding my hand right now.

We step inside and I take the chance to look around. Fucking hell, this place is something else. I always wondered how the other half lived, and here I am.

I hear the noise of feet running against the wooden flooring somewhere in the large house.

“Is she here?” I hear Ria’s voice.

“Roxie’s here!” I hear an excited Paige.

The sound of both their voices, makes my nerves disappear. I can’t believe they’re here. No wonder I couldn’t get a hold of them back home. I can’t help but join in Lacey’s laughter as we watch both Ria and Paige race towards me. Their faces show how happy they are with their wide smiles, and their hair flows behind them, red and blonde, as they both crash into me.

They crush me in a tight cuddle. I hear their sniffles as they cry and, over Paige’s shoulder, I see Lacey watching, and she’s wiping her eyes. Crystal appears from around the corner and smiles at the scene as she soothes Lacey. I’m a little embarrassed to see Crystal, because she met me when I was at my worst, and I hope she doesn’t think that’s the real me. I have a lot of shit to cover now that I’m back.

As my own tears start to fall, I motion them over with my hands around Paige and Ria, and we all cry as we stand there, huddled together. It feels so fucking good to have my girls with me again. I knew I was making the right choice in coming here.

***

After the tears have subsided and we’re able to have a proper conversation, the girls lead me out to the pool area and I’m in heaven. The large pool sits in the middle with a Jacuzzi on the end. Luxury seating is on our side as we step out of the house and on the opposite side stands a bar under a cave like wall. It’s weird, but fucking awesome and, again, very Cole. This is like something right out of a freaking movie!

The girls go to sit on the padded sun loungers as Lacey and Crystal head towards the bar area, so I sit down next to Paige.

She smiles at me with tears still shining in her bright green eyes. “I’m so happy you’re ok.”

“Me too,” I reply honestly. God knows what would have happened if I was still drinking...I’d probably have moved onto worse things, and that fucking scares me.

Lacey and Crystal both return with ice cold drinks carried on trays and hand them out. I notice that none of these drinks are alcoholic, obviously for my sake, and I wish I could tell them that it’s fine and that they can drink in front of me, but I would be lying. I don’t think I’m ready for that just yet, fresh out of rehab and all, so I keep my mouth shut and lean back in my chair. Honestly, I think I’m a little scared to see alcohol. I’m frightened that I will fall and that’s the reason I stayed a little longer at rehab than I had to, and right now I need to take care of myself; but it’s not only me I need to worry about. Yes, I’ve been to rehab and I’m now sober, but it’s only the beginning, and I don’t want to push myself. I have to remember what I was taught back in rehab and not let my craving win over me. I will beat this.

I take a much needed sip as I watch Lacey take her seat next to me. She seems at home here and I’m happy for her. God only knows the shit I’ve put her through these past months. 

“How are you feeling?” Ria asks.

“Better now.” I manage a small smile, but they all see straight through me.

“How are you
really
feeling?” Paige asks.

“Honestly?” I look at me them and they all nod in answer.

“Give it to us straight.” Lacey smiles.

“The good, the bad and the ugly,” Paige adds.

I take a deep breath and let it all out. “It’s Mason. I feel like shit for what I did to him and if I’m totally honest I regret that more than the drinking.”

Paige rubs my back. “Oh honey, I’m sure he knows that you’re sorry.”

I shake my head. “No, he doesn’t, not how badly I really feel, anyway. I don’t think anyone can. The crap eats at me all day, every day. After I started to drink more, I’d sit there and think about how horribly I treated him, and that only made me drink even more...until, in the end, I drank a whole lot more.”

They look at me with such intense looks of sympathy that I almost jump up and run for the bar at the other end of the pool.
Fuck, this shit is hard!

“While I was in rehab, I constantly thought back to everything I did, and then everything that Joe put me through. I knew most of it was on me because I had no control of what he did to me, but I wasn’t fooling myself in there. I know I love Mason and I know he’s the only one for me, and what did I go and do? I fucked it all up. He’s not going to want to even look at me, never mind give me a second chance, and I don’t blame him.”

Lacey gets up and gets right in my face. “Now you listen here, Roxie! You need to stop this pity party and get your man back. He will listen to you because he has to, and you need to say it to him. You need that. You both do.”

I understand what she’s saying and it’s the same as the doctor has told me multiple times while I was recovering, but that’s easier said than done.

Lacey wipes at her eyes and Ria steps in. “We’re all here for you with anything you need.”

I look around at them all and even Crystal nods her head. I do know I have them backing me up, and I’m really fucking glad I do. I’m lucky to have such good friends.

Mason

I’m standing outside in the much needed fresh air with the sun beaming down on me. I should be used to the smell of the tour bus and the limited clean air, but when the girls came along with us, they fucking changed everything! Clean smelling air, windows opened and fresh food on demand...Now we don’t have any of that and, weirdly, I want it all back. I hated it at first.

I take a huge and deep inhale from the much needed cigarette and blow out the smoke. Cole frowns at me and I do it again while smiling. He hates me smoking, which makes me love it even more.

His phone rings and when he looks down at it, his frown becomes a stupid grin so quickly that I don’t need to ask who it is. There’s only one person who can make my brother look like that, and that’s Lacey. The love struck bastard’s face lights up as he answers so I go back to my sweet nicotine. It helps calm my nerves. As much as I love Lacey, she causes me to think about Roxie, and the more I think of Roxie the more tense I become. As fucked up as everything is, I still need her. Hell, I fucking crave her! But as much as I want her, I can’t go there again. It’s taking all of my strength to not call her and hear how she is. I try not to remember the memories of us together, the feel of her soft body, and how she responds to me, but it’s fucking hard. I thought Roxie was the woman for me, but it turns out I’m not enough for her.

Too much shit has happened between us. I love Roxie enough to help her through her shit, but that’s it. I won’t allow myself to be vulnerable again.

I catch sight of a roadie packing away one of the speakers into one of the tour busses, and, for a second, I think it’s Joe. My fists clench and my body tenses. He turns around and I see its Calvin. My whole body relaxes but the thought of the scumbag stays in my mind. I fucking hate that man, and I’m pissed that he’s not been fired from his job! It’s fucked up!

I guess because Roxie hasn’t filed a report against him then there’s no evidence. His boss seems to like him around and won’t let him go because of a supposed ‘incident.’

God, I fucking hate that guy!
Not only did Roxie sleep with him behind my back, but he fucking raped her! He blackmailed my girl to the point where she could have seriously hurt herself, or worse, and I still have to fucking see him walking around here like he’s the shit.

“Ok baby, I’ll catch ya later. Love ya.” Cole hangs up the phone, but I’m surprised to see he doesn’t look his happy self.

“What’s up with you?” I ask him.

“That was Lacey,” he obviously points out.

“Yeah, I gathered that,” I laugh.

Cole continues to stare at me. “Roxie’s out.”

His words nearly make me choke on the smoke I have in my mouth.

“Mase?” he asks, but I don’t say anything.

What is there to say?

I blow out the smoke, throw the cigarette on the floor and stomp it out.

“You fucking hearing me?” Cole gets in my face. “I’m telling you that your fucking woman is out and she’s clean.”

I shoot him with a glare. I’m fucking shaking right now, and I don’t know if it’s from the shock of hearing that Roxie is fresh out of rehab, or because I’m so angry at Cole for claiming that she’s still my woman.

“My woman?” I huff. “She ain’t my woman anymore.”

“Maybe not, but I do know that you still love her,” he replies with smug arrogance.

I don’t have anything to say to that, so I walk away without another word. I decide I don’t want to go back inside the tour bus, so I go in the direction of the concert venue. As I walk in I hear Tate and Booker doing some sound checks before the gig tonight.

I hear heavy feet behind me and I know it’s Cole before he speaks.

“She’s at my place.” My body almost stops from the shock of hearing that. “And we’re going back for the weekend.”

“Are we now?” I ask, and even I hear the shakiness in my own voice.
Shit.

Hearing that she’s someplace safe with her girls around her makes me happy. I won’t let Cole hear me say that, though.

“Yeah, dickhead, we are. So get over your shit and man the fuck up,” he growls.

I shake my head at him and carry on walking. I go to collect my guitar, the only love in my life that will stay true to me.

“I know what she did was wrong,” Cole says in front of me. “But what Joe did to her wasn’t her fault.”

I almost drop my guitar to the floor. I step closer to Cole, get right in his face, and he doesn’t even flinch.

“Don’t you think I fucking know that?” I say through clenched teeth. “She was mine but she went and fucked a fucking roadie! I didn’t know what was happening, but I did see what it was doing to her. I saw her drowning and I did fuck-all! She could have fucking died and it would have been on me! What kind of man does that make me?”

I’m shaking as I stare at Cole. He doesn’t say anything and that tells me what I need to know.

I don’t want to be here. I want to be alone. I go to walk around Cole but he stops me.

“What are you doing?”

“Leaving, I need to be fucking alone.”

Cole drops his arm and lets me walk away.

“I’ll call you when we’re heading back,” he shouts as I walk out the door.

I raise my hand to let him know I heard him and nearly run to the safety of the tour bus. When I climb aboard, I slam the door behind me and collapse on the sofa. The silence is welcoming. I need this.

Yeah, ok, I’m hiding, but I need to fucking get myself together. Cole is right, but I don’t want to hear it. I know I’m acting like a pussy but Roxie got herself deep under my skin, and knowing she went behind my back with someone else when I wasn’t even noticing any other woman fucking stung like a bitch. I can’t go running to her rescue and be her knight in shining armour. I can’t let her think she can come back to me and that I will welcome her as if nothing went wrong between us. I don’t even know if I want her back. Sure, I still love her, I’m not just going to stop loving her like that, but I do know I can’t be with someone who can break me like that again.