Emily Calls It (The Emily Series) (18 page)

“So
,
do you have a fella?” I sighed not knowing how to answer.

“Well…no, not really.”

“Hmm, you hesitated. Tell me Emily. Is he a
babe
? Is that what you call them?” Her attempt to joke with me was endearing.

“Grandma?” I couldn’t believe she was trying to use contemporary lingo. How funny to hear her ask that way. “There was this one guy.”

“Oh, that boy we met at your graduation. Christian, was it? He was quite nice.”

I paused thinking back to the time. “Quite nice” was a lovely way to think of it.

“Yeah.” I sat for a second thinking about Christian. Then I snapped out of it. “But we drifted apart shortly after that summer. I had another boyfriend. Didn’t Mom tell you?”

“Oh honey, your mother never tells us, I mean me, anything.” She stumbled over excluding Grandpa and it made me even sadder.

“I dated a guy at school almost all freshman year, but then it didn’t work out.” I stared down at my fingers in my lap not really wanting to tell her more.

“Why was that, dear?”

“He…well…there was another girl.” I felt ashame
d, even though it wasn’t me who
did the cheating.

“Hmm.” She rested her hand on mine. “Then that’s it, right? You moved on, I presume.”

“Well…” I said. Just then the kitchen light flicked on and the shadow across her face illuminated. It was disappointment. She was disappointed in me. And that just killed me
.

“Emily, this is your life. This is all you get,” she said as she rubbed my hand.

I thought about that for a moment. I don’t know why, but one simple comment from my grandmother hit me like a ton of bricks. I blinked hard and wrinkled my
eyebrows searching for a way to
digest the importance of those words. All I could think was how foolish I had been. Thinking, or rather, not thinking, how precious this life is
.
This life. My life? And what had I been doing with it? In comparison to hers, my life
of inconsequential relationships with guys was nothing. Nothing at all. Yet, still I was confused. Torn.

“I know it is, Grandma. I just don’t know what to do.” I
shrugged
. She touched her chest with her hand and closed her eyes for a moment. I watched her. This strong but soft woman who had seen so much.

She reached across and pushed
the
hair away from my face and tucked it behind my ears. Then she lightly touched the pearls around my neck.

“Yes, you do. You have everything you need already, Emily. The beauty and strength that I have seen in you since you were a baby. You know exactly what to do. You always have.” She leaned back and the chair rocked, stirring up a cool breeze.

“Grandma?”

“Yes, dear?”

“What will you do now?”

“Well,” she paused
.
“Grandpa and I always l
oved it here. This is our home…m
y home.”

“But won’t you be lonely?”

“Oh honey, I’ll miss your grandfather. I miss him now, but...” She looked at me again, but this time even in her sadness I saw her strength. “Being alone doesn’t mean you have to be lonely, Emily. You’re just one person instead of two.” I looked into her eyes then. I think she really meant it. And it was possible she wasn’t just talking about herself.

“Now, let’s get you inside. Your little toes must be freezing.”

In that moment I felt a surge of something. Maybe a returned confidence
.
I couldn’t quite place it but I knew it was there
.
Now the question was, what would I do with it?

TWENTY-ONE

Home Sweet School

The only flight out we could get was at the crack of dawn Monday morning. We both had to be in class that same morning so it was going to be a long day after a tough weekend. But somehow when I woke up at 4:30 I wasn’t thinking about that. I continued to replay the conversation with Grandma
in my head. I felt like such a
…I don’t know, loser. I had spent so much time wrapped up in Graham. So much time worrying about being alone. Now, after losing my grandfather so suddenly, all the drama I had perpetuated this last year seemed trivial. A mere distraction from what was real.

I looked around as I tossed my bag into the trunk of my mom’s car. It was such a unique morning. Unique at least to me. Damp clouds hovered but cracks of dark sky showed through promising later sunshine. The birds started their dance of morning songs as the sun hid on the horizon behind clouds. The scent of eucalyptus hung in the air, heavy and wet, but refreshing at the same time. Before, I hadn’t given the Bay Area much thought, but now I felt something for this place. Something welcoming. I glanced one last time at my grandparents’ house saying a silent goodbye. Then we were gone.

We were on the ground quickly, once again sitting in southern
California
traffic. I kept glancing at my watch. Ethan and I realized we wouldn’t have time to go home before classes. He changed his route and headed right for campus. In my bag was my Women’s Studies notebook, so luckily I wouldn’t be ill-prepared for class. Or so I thought.

“Hey Emily.” Nicole was the first of our focus group to greet me. She seemed perkier than usual, which totally bugged me. “Where were you?”

Where was I? What was it to her? Now I was really perturbed. “Why?” I asked barely willing to carry on a conversation with her.

“We had our weekend focus group. Our presentation is due next week.” She lowered her head a little trying to make eye contact with me
.
“You didn’t show.”

“Oh!” I couldn’t believe I didn’t remember. But given the situation, I wasn’t totally surprised, I guess
.
“I’m sorry.” And I truly was. It wasn’t like me to bail on a study group meeting, even if I didn’t really like the attendees. I sighed. “I had to go out of town. A family thing.” I didn’t want sympathy from her so I didn’t elaborate.

“I hope everything’s OK,” she said sincerely. I shrugged.

“Here.” She leaned down and pulled her notebook from her bag. “These are the notes and how we divided up the project. We’re going to need to get together so we can get you up to speed.” She turned to address the rest of our group. “Guys, when can you make it?”

They all sounded off in turn, leaving us with not one mutually agreeable time. “Well, I guess I can just read the notes and figure it out,” I said, letting them off the hook. After all, it wasn’t their responsibility.

Nicole gave the group a disapproving look. “No, it’s too complicated. We have to help her or we’ll end up getting a bad grade.” She looked from face to face. “Fine, I’ll do it.”

I looked up, surprised she was taking charge. I guess she was a dedicated student. I was grateful for a second, before the resentment I always felt for her crept back in. I swallowed those feelings and tried to stick with grateful.

“Thanks, Nicole,” I said. Then we were interrupted by our professor writing on the board, something she rarely did. I paid attention immediately. There was an event coming up. Why I didn’t remember this was beyond me, but when she noted the dates, I did have a fleeting memory from the syllabus. Then it all came back to me. The Women’s Studies department hosted an event every year to benefit the local chapter of Executive Women. It had a reputation all its own and the department partnered with one of the sororities on campus. This party was their biggest bash and our professor made a point to tell us that. She didn’t say it was a class requirement that we attend, but she didn’t need to. The way she looked over her glasses at us as she explained the details was enough.

Class was dismissed and I swiftly gathered my things. I was tired and ready for a hot bath after a long morning.

“So, we should get together this week,” Nicole started.

Oh, that’s right. The project. It was the last thing I wanted to think about. But she was taking time out of her schedule to help me. I’m sure it was so she would get a good grade, but the bottom line was, she was helping me.

“Sure. Um, how about tomorrow,” I said placing my last book into my bag.

“My last class is out around 3:00. Are you free then?” she asked.

“Yeah, that’ll work. Want to meet in the library?” I asked
,
still less than excited about this whole thing.

“There’s this great little seating area in the back. I used to study there all the time. Meet me there?” Her voice went up as she asked.

Perfect! Was all I could think. Where Graham and I used to hang out. That should be fun. But I didn’t say that. “Yeah, I’ll see you then.” I picked up my bag, slung it over my shoulder, and got the hell out of there. It was then that I knew it. This was going to be painful, wasn’t it? Having to work on this project with Nicole was so not what I needed right now. I went straight to the bus stop hoping I could get home quickly. I wished I had my car there, but coming straight from the airport with Ethan was the way our morning went. It was almost a successful getaway. All I could think about was finding a soft place to lay my head. Then I heard him call my name.

“Emily?” Graham came up behind me. I paused in my tracks. Just hearing his voice evoked such conflicting emotions. I felt the threads pull around my heart. But at the same time, dealing with Nicole was just too fresh, and I knew the mistrust wasn’t gone. I turned around. He walked toward me looking as handsome as he usually did. The problem was I knew where this was going this time. The talk with my grandmother was still rattling around in my head, and as much as seeing him tried to erase that conversation, it didn’t.

“Where have you been? I tried calling all weekend.” He looked almost angry.

“I had to go out of town.” My voice was small and meek. I almost couldn’t say it. “My grandfather…passed away.” I choked out the last words, and I felt my eyes start to sting again with tears
.

His face softened. “Oh, I’m so sorry. Come here.” He pulled me to him resting his chin on top of my head. He rubbed his hands up my back pulling me closer. I felt an inner dialogue start. It was as if I had two personalities pushing against each other. A tug-of-war of sorts deep within. One urged me to push him away and set out on my own.
Be strong Emily, he’s not good for you.
The other
one held on to him with all I
had. I was tired, lonely and sad—all wrapped up in the despair of losing my grandpa. The strong girl in me rolled her eyes, but I just hugged Graham as tight as I could and loved the way he held me.

“Were you heading to the bus?” He pulled back to meet my eyes. The way his eyes narrowed and his voice went up indicated it must be a less than dignified mode of transportation.

“Yeah. I don’t have my car here. We came straight from the airport.”

“We?” he asked edgily before I saw him make the connection. “Oh, Ethan, of course. Well, let me take you home,” he offered. He wrapped his arm around me and pointed toward the parking garage. I noticed he didn’t wait for me to answer but…well, I went along anyway.

TWENTY-TWO

Changes Begin

Still tired and in no mood to discuss our relationship, I asked Graham to drop me off. I was absolutely shot, and I could feel my bed calling to me. And it called me alone. Before I got out of the car, Graham reached across and cupped the back of my head with his hand leaving me with a soft, warm kiss that I would think about throughout my shower and during the seconds it took me to fall asleep.

At first, I thought I was dreaming about something loud: a rapping that seemed far away. Then my eyes snapped open and I sat up with a jolt. Strands of my hair stuck to my forehead and cheek sopping up the tiny pin-drops of sweat that formed during my nap. I looked at the clock wondering what time it was, and if I actually heard someone knocking. Then I heard it again. Clearly this time. I pushed back my hair, feeling too warm and damp for my liking. It was early evening. I’d slept only a couple of hours. I looked through the peephole at Ethan.

“Hey,” he said as the door parted. “Thought you’d want your bag.”

“Thanks,” I took it from him and moved aside for
him to come in. “How’s Allison?
She
and I really need to get together.”

“She’s fine.” He looked around my apartment. “You, on the other hand, don’t look so good. You feel OK?” He looked down at me, searching my eyes like a doctor.

“I’m good. I just woke up. Aren’t you tired? We got up so early,” I said.

“No. I’m good to go for some reason.” He shrugged.

“Huh.” That figured.

Ethan walked into my living room and picked up an apple in the bowl on my counter. He looked like he had something to say. I waited wondering what was on his mind. Finally he set it back down and tucked his fingers into the front pockets of his jeans.

“Well, gotta jam. Give Allison a ring. She mentioned she wants to have coffee with you soon.” He turned back toward me. “Check your machine, it’s blinking.”