Enough (23 page)

Glory and I sat in a Starbucks while the others shopped. I told her about finding Dare, admitting I’d stayed home on Thanksgiving.

“Neither of you sound happy. You can change that.” Glory sipped her drink with a smug look on her face.

“You don’t think he’s beneath me?”

“You’ve been talking to Frankie.” She shook her head. “Some think like that, but not me or Avery. Happiness isn’t beneath you.”

“I screwed it up.” I banged my head on the table, but not hard enough to stop the ache.

“Fix it. Nothing’s forever unless you give up.” Glory put her hand over mine. “Fight for what you want.”

Could I fix what I’d broken? Was he too broken for me?

Am I too broken for him?

* * *

My alarm rang at seven the next morning. At eight, I walked in the back door. MJ jumped when the screen door slammed.

“You okay?” She hurried to me, concern wrinkling her face.

“Can I help you? I need to talk to Dare but not at work.”

Her eyebrows raised, but she didn’t ask questions. “Make the biscuits?”

I pulled out the recipe and started mixing. When the ovens were full of biscuits, I went into pie mode. I baked five nine-by-twelve-inch cobblers—two apple, a peach and two cherry. I also fixed lemon meringue for Thorn and a chocolate pie for Bear. Surely he liked chocolate.

MJ bustled to the back a while later. “He’ll be leaving soon.” She didn’t even look my way.

Now or never. What was the worst that could happen?

I’d be homeless when he fired me.

Not even a chance. I battled myself—fear versus strength. Backing away, running away. It’s what I did. Now I wanted to run so bad I found myself moving toward the back door.

Fuck this.

You screwed it up.
You fix it.

I’d never live with myself if I always wondered if I could’ve made it better. Healed us.

If he walked away? Well, broken hearts weren’t fatal, after all.

I walked across the floor toward Dare before I realized I was doing it. Holy hell, no way to retreat now.

Jericho looked up as I approached the table.

“I baked some pies in the kitchen.” Words of appreciation flew my way but I was too nervous to make any out. “Dare, got a minute?”

He stood, and we walked a few steps away. “Need something for the shop?” His voice sounded tight.

“No. I hoped to talk to you, somewhere...less here.” I finished lamely, too tense to think.

“Sure, come on.” He walked down the hall and into the room where we’d stayed the first time I’d come to the club. The room where I’d screamed my release.

My fear threatened to overpower me, especially when my gaze strayed to the bed, and my knees weakened. Memories rained down on me.

No.
I’m strong.
I
ask for what I want.
I
can do this.

“What is it?” Worry creased his brow.

I scrubbed my face. “I was wrong. It wasn’t
enough.
I hate us apart.” The words sped out of my mouth.

Shock, hurt, and hope flitted across his face before it went blank. “It was an intense ride. But all rides end.”

“Tell me you’re happy apart.” I pushed him. This was my one chance at redemption. “I’m sorry, I was so overwhelmed with the crazy shit my sister did, and I fell apart on you.”

Pain flashed in his eyes before he turned away. “I never asked how it went. You don’t need more of that. I’m not the sticking kind. Find a brother interested in the long ride.”

Anger lit me up. “I’m tired of everyone telling me to pick a new biker, like you guys are interchangeable.” I moved until I saw his face. “I want you, and if not you, none of them. You want me...?” I tried to make it a statement, but my voice faltered and it became a question.

His gaze raked me, searching for something. He shivered but didn’t look away. “Then it’s none, Red. I don’t go back. Always forward.”

He started to walk away.

“I’ll beg.” My voice quavered. Tears were seconds away.

Heat flashed in his gaze when he turned to me. “You made that mistake once with me. I didn’t deserve it then, and sure as hell don’t now. Never beg, Red. You’re worth more.”

And he left me again. I heard the back door slam, and tears ran in streams down my face. I wept for my lost love, a love gone forever.

Finality tried to push me into the ground, and I wanted to die.

Goddammit.
Was I cursed to live with this painful tear in my core forever? I had no idea how to heal the wound.

Maybe it would never heal.

You need to leave.
Lila
,
it’s time to start over.
New town.
New life.

I wiped my tears. He’d gotten more than three drops of blood like my tattoo showed. I opened the door, dreading my walk of shame to get my purse, but it leaned beside my door in the hallway. Grateful I didn’t have to go back, I almost ran from the club in a hurry to reach my car.

At home, I threw myself onto my bed. Hurt echoed through me and made it impossible to plan.

Where would I go? How would I find a job? Ardmore. Maybe the moon. Nowhere would be far enough that I didn’t feel the pain of Dare’s rejection. I’d used the last of my courage to offer my heart, and he’d walked away.

We were done.

Chapter Twenty-Eight: Lila

Knocking on my door woke me up. Did everyone believe in morning visits? Just once, I’d like someone to show up after noon.

Would it be Dare? I didn’t feel even a quiver of possibility. He’d made it clear. He didn’t want me. I unclasped the security chain I’d installed and opened the door to see Jericho scowling at me.

I held out my hand to invite him inside.

“You don’t have to tell me.” My words were quiet. Defeat tasted so bitter. “I’ll be gone this week.”

He flipped me around holding my shoulders. “What the hell happened? He staggers in drunk last night, says he’s leaving for a few days. And I should check on you because you might need help.”

“I guess he’s giving me time to clear out.” I pushed down the despair.

“You tell him you quit?” Anger transformed him.

If I cared, I might be scared. “No. I all but begged him to take me back. Told him I’d been wrong, messed up from my sister and wasn’t thinking right. I asked him for another chance.” I bit my lip.

He shook me. “You don’t make sense.”

I stared at him unable to speak.

He let me go and I stumbled backward into the couch and sat.

“You been drinking?”

I laughed. “Nah, but if this was the pain he felt, I could almost understand why he drank.” I buried my face in my hands.

“Who?”

“My father.” I sighed and curled up.

“So you’re leaving?” Jericho sat in the chair.

“Isn’t it what you’re here to encourage?” I kept my head buried in the couch. “I told him it was him or none of you. I’m not interested in the exchange program.”

Jericho laughed.

I lifted my head to glance at him. “What’s so funny?”

“Nothing, Mama. Just like the way you said it. The exchange program. Exactly how I feel when MJ shoves women at me.”

“You can’t run away from MJ.” I sucked in another breath and pushed myself up. “A week. Will it be quick enough?”

“I’m not firing you. Not asking you to leave. Dare didn’t either.” Jericho’s fierce stare burned into me, past the hurt.

“You aren’t. Why?” I studied Jericho, trying to understand him.

“I like you. You’re a good friend to all of us. You don’t want to be an old lady, fine. I’d hate to lose your friendship.”

“My friendship?” The words didn’t make sense.

“Yeah, Mama. You’re my friend. Bear’s too. Lots of guys, and we ain’t exactly made it easy for you.” He frowned. “Fucking idiot.” He mumbled the words.

“What?”

“Dare’s a fucking idiot for refusing what he wants. But he chose. Time for you to choose.” Jericho’s tone held an edge. He challenged me.

“What choice?” I didn’t have one. I had to go, start over. It wore me out thinking about it.

“Leave. Work at the shop. Work for me somewhere else.”

“I’ve made a fool of myself. Everyone knows he blew me off, again.”

He stood and went to my fridge. “You don’t have any beer,” he called out.

“Don’t drink,” I yelled back.

“What are you going to do?” He now stood in the middle of the room.

“I never thought I had a choice.” Possibilities fired in me, but I wasn’t sure what to do. Stay or go?

Jericho sat back drinking his pop while I pondered my choices. My heart had made up my mind, but a voice inside me warned it was a mistake. But then all my life choices ended up mistakes, so any choice I made was likely to go sideways sooner or later.

I looked up at Jericho. “I’m staying.”

I’d never had friends before, and I didn’t want to leave them behind. My relationship with Dare had ended, and it hurt to even think of him—but the way I loved him, it didn’t matter how far I went, it would hurt all the same.

“Need a new job?” He folded his hands behind his head with a satisfied grunt.

I shook my head. “Not now. I need some time to get it all straight, but I’m not running. If it’s too awkward, then yeah, I won’t make the guys live like that.” I exhaled a big breath. “When we broke up, Bear offered to make me his ‘girl Friday,’ helping Ollie with the business side of JB Productions. I’ll do it, or find a non-club job in town. But I like working in the shop.”

“Done.” He leaned forward. “MJ hopes you’ll take a couple more breakfasts, but it means more time at the club.”

“I can’t do it. It’s hard enough to keep them away now. I had to use Bear to keep Vex away. Rock’s backed off, but not the others.”

“You’re a damn good cook.” His wistful tone made me smile. “I got an idea. Probably a bad one.”

“Yeah?”

“What if you take the shifts and tell any who ask, I’ve claimed you—more than the property tag I give all the girls.” His eyebrow arched and his lips curved up, scarier than any smile should be.

“You agreed we weren’t an option. I haven’t changed—”

“Me either. But it gets MJ off my back a few months and gives you space. Given how close Dare and I are, no one expects you to come to me anytime soon.” He rolled his eyes. “But this way, it sounds like when you’re ready, it’s my bike you’ll be on.”

“Dare?”

“Is a fucking idiot. But the girls I entertain will enjoy telling you about it.”

“I don’t care who you screw as long as it isn’t me.” I pictured the girls Dare fucked.

“Ouch. That’s hard on the ego.” His sarcasm was better than his smile.

“We can try it. But if Dare asks, tell him the truth.” I stared at him a long moment.

He nodded as he stood. “I’m glad you’re staying. We need you.”

Something about the arrangement felt off to me, but it solved my immediate problems, so I was game.

* * *

The first days of December brought light snow to town, but it melted almost as soon as it landed. Life was busy with cooking Monday, Wednesday and Saturday. Plus I’d started helping Avery design her store flyers.

Dare stormed in the shop five days after he’d rejected me. Neither of us was back to normal, and as a result, we spoke little and ignored lots. I was pissed he’d shut the door on our chance at happiness, and I planned to stay that way until it hurt less, or at least until I didn’t wish to curl up in a ball at the sight of him.

I used my friends and cooking at the club as a distraction, only having to use Jericho’s story once with Rebel. As Christmas approached, I discovered the club didn’t really do Christmas. They did New Year’s but ignored Christmas. I suspected those with families went home and those who didn’t, well, then the holiday sucked. On impulse, I decided I’d host an open house, and use the shop too. I’d ask Jericho about that.

No, I was done hiding from
him
. I’d ask Dare when he came into the shop. And I waited for four days until he finally came in for an appointment. Since my failed attempt to reconcile, he’d been at the shop less than usual. If this continued, I’d have to take a new job.

“Hey, Dare,” I called as he rushed past me.

He stopped and turned to me.

“I’m having a Christmas thing the twenty-third, I hoped to let the guests spill over to the shop?” I held my breath.

He smirked at me. “Yeah, Lila, that’s fine.” He went down the hall and I could breathe again.

I was having a party.

I made flyers and handed them out like candy at a parade to my new friends in town, bikers and anyone I could think of. Everyone was in the shop, even Weasel and Angel, two days before my party. We sat in the workroom and bullshitted. Dare walked back and leaned against the wall. I kept up my banter with Zayn and pretended he wasn’t there.

“If you’re cooking, I’m there.” Angel laughed and I did too.

I tilted my head toward Dare but didn’t look his way. “You too, boss.”

“Sure, Lila.”

Excited, I kept chattering with everyone until Weasel’s and Dare’s appointments arrived. I finally felt my feet were planted on the ground, and everything was okay. Zayn followed me to the reception area.

“Heard this rumor.” He looked all around.

“And?”

“You and Jericho?” He frowned at me.

“Are you judging me?” I asked, hating to lie to him.

“No, Mama, but you deserve... He’s not what he seems.”

“Everyone told me to pick, and I did, but it’s nothing going on soon. I want space between Dare and that, lots of space.”

He nodded. “Be careful. Jericho makes these schemes, and he does anything to see them through.”

I frowned but nodded at him. “I’ll be careful, but you know I’m a big girl? And know I stay out of your business?”

He flushed and nodded, leaving me as fast as he could.

* * *

At six o’clock my nerves unraveled while I waited for my first-ever party guests to arrive. Everyone would stay away because of Dare or the rumors with Jericho or because the town people didn’t like bikers. I worried over every possibility until Avery and Glory showed up, saving me from visions of disasters untold.

The girls trailed after me through my apartment and down to Marked Man. “Wow, you did a lot. It’s great!”

“Thanks. I might’ve gone overboard.” I bit my lip, worried about the party again.

“Nope.” Avery put her arm on my shoulder. “Everyone’s coming. Lila, those bikers worship you, well except the one you want.” She gasped. “Dammit, didn’t help.”

“Come upstairs and get your presents.” I urged them back up the steps.

I’d never bought presents at Christmas, just something for the guy I was seeing, but most years it was simply another day.

Avery squealed when she opened the vintage mirror set I’d found at a thrift shop. For a girl who dressed like a Goth, she loved old, girly things.

Glory hugged me and put the hand-painted combs in her hair.

Bear walked in first with a guy. I smiled wide and left the girls to greet them.

“Hey. Thanks for coming.” I flicked my gaze between him and the guy beside him.

“Easy, Mama.” He winked at me. “This is Ollie...my lover.”

Ollie hugged me. “Kyle talks all about you. Thanks for inviting us.”

Bear stared at me. “I’m trying to convince her to work with us, behind the camera.”

“You’d be great on either side, but yeah, we could share stories.” Ollie laughed.

People kept arriving. The stream was steady, and I barely had time to greet someone before others showed up. Finally when I had a moment, I grabbed the present for Bear.

“Hey.” I pulled him away from a conversation with several of the people he worked with. “I wanted to give you this. Merry Christmas. And thanks.”

Bear looked from the gift to me before stuffing it inside his jacket. “Thanks, Mama.” He kissed my cheek.

I stood back and watched with satisfaction as people who I’d come to know laughed together, drinking and telling stories. Warmth filled me and I felt happy for the first time in months.

Rachel walked up beside me. “You throw a good party.”

“Thanks.” I winked at her. “Girl toy?”

“Gone.” She shrugged. “Hey, I have a present for you.”

She handed me a small bag. Inside was a panty and bra set from Avery’s place.

“Wow, thanks, but you know I have no one to wear them for.”

She grinned. “That’s the point. Remember my philosophy—hot sex then say adios—and to do it right you need sexy panties.”

I hugged her and dragged her to my bedroom. I handed her my present—two tight-fitting scooped T-shirts I knew she loved to wear. One said Eyes Here. And the words were right on her chest. The other was a skull shirt that was deep purple, a perfect color for her.

“I love these. And I’m wearing this New Year’s Eve at Blue’s.” She held up the Eyes Here shirt.

We laughed, and I promised, with no intention of doing it, to get back on the program. We both needed to find new hot sex, but for me, I didn’t have an itch for anyone. However, I bet Dare found several girls to scratch his itch.

Not going to think about that
.

By ten, the bikers were set to stay, having claimed spaces in both the upstairs and downstairs.

I hadn’t realized how much I loved entertaining until now. The details, the happiness and most of all seeing everyone happy—this was my thing.

I made my hundredth trip down the stairs to where most of the guys from the shop hung out. I’d stashed presents for them under the counter.

It had been so fun shopping for them, and I’d spent so little, but for the first time since I was a kid, it felt like Christmas. I walked into the workroom with my bag of gifts, a little like Santa.

“Hey, I got you all something to celebrate with.” I handed out my gifts.

Dare frowned at me when he took his, but I pretended not to notice. Zayn opened his box first and revealed the naked lady with liquor in it. He laughed as the others opened theirs. I handed Jericho his gift. I didn’t see him as one of the shop guys, and probably I never would, but I got him a gift too—besides, otherwise the rumor mill might have started buzzing.

“I love a naked chick.” Zayn winked at me.

I handed Angel a smaller package—a pair of earrings I’d found.

“You bikers always want a naked woman full of liquor.” I smiled wide, loving my sassy line.

Laughter met my comment. Even Dare laughed. The sound lifted my heart, and hurt me at the same time.

Jericho frowned, opening his gift. “Where’s my naked lady?”

“You have no trouble finding those, but with that—” I pointed to the buckle “—you can keep your pants up until you get to the bedroom, at least.”

More laughter followed, and I left while they laughed. I needed to move on, or I’d crumble.

It hurt so damn much to see Dare’s smiling face.

“Mama, wait.” Zayn jogged after me.

I turned on the steps. “Yeah?”

“Thanks for the gift.” He kissed my cheek and handed me a wrapped box. “For you.”

I kissed his cheek. “Thanks. I’ll put it—”

“Open it,” he ordered me.

I tore off the wrapping. Inside were a pair of flower earrings, almost a duplicate of my tattoo. “Where did you find these? I love them.”

“I got connections.” His answer was muffled because I hugged him to me.

It was after two before my house emptied. I’d promised Bear I’d come out Christmas day, and refused several other offers, some of which required my using the Jericho line. I closed the door when the last guest left. An exhausted sense of satisfaction filled me. My first party was a success.