Enough (26 page)

In eight months I’d changed so much, and yet I found myself without a home, again. Dare had been right about one thing—I’d burned bright here. Now I was leaving sooner than I ever expected.

Tired and drained, I’d shooed Rachel out by nine and fallen asleep in minutes. A loud pounding woke me in the middle of the night. I sat up and turned on my lamp. Dare’s voice shouted through my closed door and his fists, most likely, rattled it.

And the freak show never stops.

I blew out a breath, steeling myself for the scene to come—not that I knew why he’d come. I opened the door to an incredibly drunk Dare weaving on his feet in front of me.

“Red, I need you.” His words slurred together.

I wished to be anywhere but here. His stark face was as beautiful as the first day I’d almost drooled over him in Marked Man.

I considered closing the door on his drunk ass, but then he’d be driving again. One day he might kill himself, but I wouldn’t send him out to drive when he had no business on the road.

I stood back and he stumbled inside and collapsed in the chair. He shut his eyes and laid his head back. I trudged to the kitchen and fixed him two sandwiches, hoping to soak up some of the alcohol. I grabbed more pain reliever and two bottles of water. This was the last time I could help him.

“Gotta talk to you.” He spoke slowly, his head weaving, like it was too heavy for him to hold up.

“We’ll talk after you eat and drink all of this.” I handed him the two PB and J sandwiches and a bottle of water.

He closed one eye and stared at me. I suppose he saw double. “Eat the food. I’ll be back.” I hurried to the bathroom and locked myself in. I stared at my reflection, wondering how to survive this.

You can do it.
Say goodbye to your heart and tuck him in one last time.
A
few days and I’ll only have memories.
One last glimpse and one more time to be there for him.
Yeah, I could do it.

I splashed cold water on my face, thinking I sucked at pep talks. The only way through was forward, so I’d push through tonight and soon I’d be safe, far away from the man I loved.

I walked toward him, hoping he’d passed out. Instead he appeared more alert.

“Did you mean it?” His words were crisper now.

“Yeah, I’m leaving. See the boxes full of my stuff?”

“No. You said you...loved me.” He stared down.

Son of a bitch.
I’d hoped it had sailed over his head during my tirade, but no such luck. I debated what to do.

Do I tell him the truth?
Sure
,
nothing to lose.

My love meant less than nothing because he didn’t love me.

“Yeah, I did, or do, love you. But it doesn’t matter, I’m going.” The words drained my energy and I sunk into the couch.

“I fucked us up so badly. Sorry, done it all wrong.” He still didn’t meet my stare.

“Apology accepted.”

“It’s my fault...no good. If you knew me, my secrets, you couldn’t love me.” I barely heard the words.

I stayed silent.

What to say?
He had to believe in us, and if he didn’t I’d never convince him.

He glanced up but quickly covered his face.

“I got to tell you about my past. If you can still love me...then I want to love you too.”

Joy surged through me. He loved me. I knew without a doubt nothing he told me would change my feelings for him. If it were possible, I’d have killed my feelings long ago.

Not so fast
,
stupid.
My brain shouted the words.
Never again.

My elation died a quick death.

“Stop.” I held up my hand. “You talk to me sober, or don’t talk to me at all. I don’t need half-remembered, drunken confessions.”

His hands scraped through his hair. “I’ve only told one person, and I was drunker than this. No way I can do it sober. No way.” He shook his head back and forth, back and forth. Fear fell with his words.

I sort of understood how hard this was for him, but I refused to accept less than everything. He’d torn me to shreds with his secrets and careless indifference. What if he left me again? I’d never survive it. He’d punished and I’d bled, and he’d bled too, but we needed to clean our wounds if we held a hope of starting over.

“Then we’re done. Dare, I may always love you, but I deserve your story from sober lips. Drunk confessions lost their appeal before I turned eighteen.”

“Where’s my soft Lila who helps everyone?” He mumbled the words.

“Gone. Along with the time for half-ass shit.” I banished my tears.

He tried to stand and fell back into the chair.

“You aren’t leaving this living room.” I stared him down. “Sleep on my couch. It’s the last time I can make sure you’re sober when you drive from here.”

“Why do you even care?” He stood again.

I grabbed his arm and swung him toward the couch before letting go. He stumbled back and thumped over the arm of my couch. Eyes full of unending sadness stared up at me.

After I covered him up, I traced his jawline. “I’ll always care but I can’t wait for you any longer. I’ll be gone in four days. You have that long to grow a pair and tell me sober.” I kissed his cheek. “Get some sleep. Love you.”

He grabbed for me but I moved away. I stared down at him, memorizing his face.

A single tear ran down his cheek.

I fled from the room. I couldn’t see Dare cry.

We were at a stalemate, and only he had a move left.

I woke the next morning to an empty apartment. A part of me hoped he’d be there ready to tell me whatever brought him to my door.

I survived Monday. Tuesday I met Bear and Ollie for Mexican in Ardmore. I’d driven myself. Bear had offered to give me a ride, but I needed to be able to jet, my emotions still hadn’t stabilized after Dare’s late-night visit.

We went up to a counter to order. A Hispanic couple were the only two workers. Ollie ordered first, rattling out a whole line of Spanish. The woman’s smile brightened and a rapid-fire exchange took place.

She grinned expectantly at Bear. “Tamales.” He frowned, arms crossed. Her smile dimmed and she looked to me.

“Tamales and pop, please.”

We sat down in a booth with Ollie and Bear scrunched together on one side. Bear frowned at me, but that was his default expression. “The whole fucking club are idiots. They should’ve just let you alone, so you could stay here.”

“Amen. I don’t get it, and at least you don’t chase me.” I grinned at Ollie. “If only he could convince his brothers.”

“I’m as gay as it gets, and I understand what they all want.” Ollie patted my hand.

Bear snorted. “You’d have to be dead not to, but it’s no excuse for Jericho to go bat-shit crazy and use you in his plan for world domination.” He rolled his eyes. “I’d give my life for him, but I came close to taking it, yesterday.”

“Good thing you didn’t.” Ollie’s stern tone surprised me.

“What are you talking about?”

“Jericho has plans for the future—”

“No duh, he wants to kick out his father, so obvious.” I got that much of why he’d manipulated me.

Bear whipped his head from right to left making sure we were alone. “Don’t say shit like that. And Dare—”

“Never said a word.” I snorted and crossed my arms. “The prick cornered me to stabilize the club.”

“Yeah, pretty much, and he could’ve done it any number of ways that let you go about life, but he snared you in a Jericho web.”

A bell dinged at the counter and I bolted for the food. Just hearing him confirm my suspicions had ruined my appetite. My stomach roiled and eyes filled, but I pushed that shit back down. Bear confirming what I knew didn’t change anything. I smiled at the man who stood behind the counter this time. He held out the tray, so I nodded and accepted it. “Gracias.” That was one of a handful of Spanish words I knew.

I sucked in a centering breath as I walked back toward Ollie and Bear, who kissed in the booth. They were hot, with Bear being model handsome and Ollie a true silver fox.

“Break it up.” I let the tray clang down on the table.

Bear jumped and Ollie laughed.

We ate in silence a few minutes, giving the delicious food its due.

“You know Rock stood next to Jericho when we had Church on Sunday.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I stood up in front of all our members and called Jericho out, telling him I didn’t approve of what he’d done to you. We settle shit with fists.”

I blinked back tears. Bear had stood for me, it touched me down deep.

“Dare stood up beside Jericho and Rock on the other side, as much as admitting they felt to blame for what happened.” Bear compressed his hands in and out, in and out, until Ollie settled a hand over his. “I punched Dare for being a stupid fuck.”

I bristled, thinking Bear had gone too far. Our fucked-up relationship had very little to do with the club and a lot more to do with our demons.

“I didn’t quit until Jericho hit the floor, then I walked away. I told Rock to stand down, he’d done right, but the stubborn ass stood there. Ten brothers took their shots at him, and Zero almost knocked him out except Thorn picked Zero up and moved him aside so
he
could knock him out.” Bear’s cold laugh gave me the shivers.

“Thanks for the support, but we both know I’d have had to go sooner or later. I’m not playing by the rules, and that means eventually I would’ve ended up here.”

Bear’s silence spoke volumes, basically agreeing.

“Well, we go to Dallas almost monthly, so you won’t be rid of us.” Ollie clasped my hands. “Kyle doesn’t like many people, but he likes you. We both do, and count on frequent visits.”

I left buoyed by the lunch and the guys’ support, but more Bear’s confirmation that I was doing the right thing—it gave me peace. Only two days until moving day and Bear, Ollie and Zero were all helping me move. They’d sworn not to tell anyone where I’d gone. A fresh start meant I didn’t need any of my old troubles following me to Dallas.

It shouldn’t, but Jericho’s beating made me feel better too.

Over the past couple of days, I understood something else about Jericho. He’d gambled with me, trying to make me work into his plans, trying to make Dare fall into line. When neither of us did, he refused to let it go. I couldn’t forgive the arrogant way he systematically tore apart my little world. He’d blown up my life when his schemes had been threatened and destroyed the first home I’d found in eight years.

I parked in front of the apartment late in the afternoon, planning to load boxes tonight. Walking into the hallway, I stopped short when I saw Dare sitting slumped on the bottom step.

He stood and stuffed his hands in his Levi’s. “I’m here. Sober. I’ll try...” His voice broke. “I’ll tell you anything you want to know, Red.”

Chapter Thirty-Two: Lila

Crumpled on my steps, he didn’t have the confident air that had been his constant companion.

Love swelled inside me. I’d given up hope he’d come back. “Come upstairs.”

He shook his head. “I can’t tell you anywhere I’m going to be again.”

I tugged his hand from his pocket and held it in mine. “Where are we going?”

One side of his mouth quirked up. “There’s a pond and fishing hut, if it’s too cold. I’d...I’d like to be outside when we talk.”

I had my coat on. “Let’s go. Want me to drive?”

He nodded.

At Dare’s direction, I turned down a gravel road and then a dirt path leading to a dock with a wooden bench. A crisp March wind blew, but I didn’t notice the cold. I was warmer than I’d been in months. Dare sat next to me, his thigh touching mine, his hand in mine.

He gulped and turned to face me. “Don’t touch me. Don’t interrupt. And no sympathy.”

“I can’t promise not to touch you, but I can agree to the other two. You definitely don’t need my sympathy. You’re too strong.”

He frowned at me then stared at the water. Standing again, he walked restlessly to the end of the dock, wrestling his demons.

Head down, he sat heavily, the weight of the world resting on his shoulders. “I can’t read or write much.”

That is his big confession?
I already knew.

But it had to be only the tip of what poisoned him.

“Yeah, I figured.” I kept my voice flat.

Brows raised, he turned to me. “How the fuck? When?”

I picked my words carefully. “I figured it out when you gave me the dragon tattoo. But I don’t understand what it means to you.”

“But, but you didn’t leave me.” He stuttered, pushing the words out.

I caressed his cheek. “No, I didn’t. I wouldn’t, but I also didn’t understand how it changed your life—like when I disappeared to Oklahoma City.”

He moved away from me.

“Help me understand.”

“Think about living in a country where you can’t read the language—I can’t read signs, road directions, a menu, my bills and groceries in the store. None of those make sense to me.”

My brave, scarred love. To stride through life chin jutted out with such a severe limitation... I had no inkling of the kind of courage he possessed.

“What I know is memorized, so every new experience terrifies me. Before the club, surviving on my own...so hard. I was headed for a jail cell or a tombstone.”

Scrubbing his face with his hands, he met my gaze. “I’m severely dyslexic and I also have dyscalculia. Numbers don’t make sense any more than words. It all jumps around and the order of letters and numbers doesn’t stay the same. I can barely read at a second-grade level.” He whispered the words, his expression full of shame.

Listening to him describe his world, ice replaced the blood in my veins. Only a strong man could make his life look easy.

“I admire you.” The words just flew out. “You show such strength in the way you face the world. No wonder you’re so brave.”

He stood and paced away. My words agitated him, but I didn’t know why.

“You should be ashamed of me. I’m stupid.” His words were angry. “Why aren’t you?”

I wanted to skin the person who’d damaged him with those ugly words.

“Stop it.” I stood chest to chest with him. “You aren’t stupid. A stupid man couldn’t figure out how to navigate this world the way you have. There is no shame in having dyslexia or dyscalculia. You didn’t choose it. It only makes me respect you more.” I touched his chest. “Love you more.”

“Goddammit, Red.” He strode to the end of the dock with anger in every movement. I stood silent while he settled, and eventually his shoulders relaxed.

“Tell me the worst part. Who made you feel this way?” I walked halfway to him, standing on the dock.

“I’ve never told anyone about it. No one.” He didn’t turn from the water.

“Then it’s past time to share it.” Fury fueled my words.

He turned to me, eyes wide and confused. “You’re pissed because of my...the way... How do you always know what I need to hear?”

I moved forward and lightly brushed a kiss on his lips. “I say what I feel.” I searched his face. “Will you share it with me?”

He struggled with the decision. Fear and anger warred in his expression. Did he fear I would stop loving him?

My bet was parents, they inflicted pain all the time.

“By second grade it was clear my reading sucked. First time they tried to hold me back. My father, my family, are rich and power hungry. I went to private school, and my parents paid lots for me to be educated.” He stared at the water.

I didn’t move, afraid to break the spell.

“My father threatened and bribed the school, who caved and passed me along. In fifth grade, they stopped promoting me.” His voice was so flat and hollow, almost as if he spoke of someone else.

It was one way I’d dealt with my ugly past.

“And shit got too real.”

I wondered what abuse his father, and his mother, heaped on him through those years. I longed to wrap him in my arms and hold him tight, but I didn’t think he’d reached the worst, yet.

“For the first time I was tested to figure out what was wrong.” He spat the word, like something filthy. “That’s when they said severe dyslexia and moderate dyscalculia. My father, a politician, refused to have a stupid son. They rejected every treatment suggestion. I went to another doctor.” He shuddered, lost in his memories. “He diagnosed me with autism and mental retardation.” His voice broke.

Nausea surged through me and I had to swallow the bile rising in my throat. They’d labeled him as incapable of learning when he’d needed their love and attention. Indignation burned inside me. Only monsters do that.

“I was twelve when they stuck me in a mental hospital.”

I gasped, unable to understand parents like his. I needed to touch him. When my hand touched his back he flinched away.

“Five years, I lived among schizophrenics, sociopaths and all other kinds of perverts. But the staff were worse. I was an attractive teen.” He shivered.

I longed to go to him, but he wouldn’t accept it now. I wrapped my arms around myself, trying to keep silent.

“They drugged me to keep me submissive.” His voice broke and he quieted for a minute. “If I got unruly they didn’t let me shave. I hated hair on my face. Once they didn’t let me shave for six months. The beard drove me crazy.” He rubbed his clean-shaven jaw.

“Two weeks after I turned seventeen, I was released with two months of pills, five thousand dollars and a bus ticket to Florida. I’d lived in Massachusetts.” He walked toward me, shoulders slumped.

I wrapped my arms around him, unable to be apart another minute.

He bristled and tensed.

“I need the comfort, please.” My strong man had endured so much and I ached for him. We moved to the bench. He sat with me in his lap, my face buried in his chest so he wouldn’t see my tears. He slowly stroked my hair.

“Addicted to a cycle of sedatives, stimulants and psychotics, unable to read or write, with no one to help me, I landed on the streets of Miami.” His heart thudded in his chest, completely opposite of his hollow voice. “I rented a place and used the money I’d been given to drink at a nearby bar. I liked the way alcohol mixed with the prescriptions. I started to fight in underground clubs for money, but mostly because of the rage in me. That’s when Jericho and another member found me.”

I hugged him tight, unable to let go. Awe pushed back my hurt and anguish. He’d survived the depths of hell and come out stronger.

I was proud of him.

“The club voted me a prospect after helping me kick the prescription addiction. Jericho made it a requirement I go to a dyslexia doc. I did it for three years until I was a member.” A tremor barely shook him.

“Then I never went back. The only person to know about any of this was Jericho. He swore he’d never tell anyone.” He squeezed me close to him. “He doesn’t know all I told you.”

The silence stretched between us. I had so much to say, but he wasn’t ready to hear it. The more I thought about his life the angrier I became.

Eventually the tight tension eased in him. I moved until I stood between his parted legs. His face was hidden by his hair. I gently tilted his chin until his tear-stained eyes met mine.

I needed him to see what I felt before I said it. “I love you more than I did before you told me.” I willed him to believe.

He tried to pull his head away.

“Please don’t,” I whispered.

Pain drew stark lines on his face. “How—”

“How can I not? You survived school, that horrid incarceration and addiction. Now you’re fearless, larger than life. I am proud you love me enough to share so much with me.”

His face softened. “I do. I love you so damn much, Red.” He pressed his lips together. “I tried not to love you. I failed. You deserve so much—”

“I deserve you. I love you. Please say you’ll love me and let me do the same for you.” I leaned my forehead on his.

Ultimately it was his decision.

He wrapped his arms around me, and I sunk into his embrace. My lips found his, and I kissed him with all the passion I’d locked away. Greedy for him, my hands ran over his arms and down his chest. I wanted to offer comfort, and for us, that had always been sex—the only place I’d seen Dare’s feelings freed.

I dropped to my knees, scrambling for his jeans button.

“Red, I want inside you.” He gasped when my hands squeezed him through the denim.

“Later. I need you in my mouth, now.” I had his fly open and tugged on his jeans. He lifted and I yanked them down past his knees. I’d missed his cock with its perfect piercing.

“Watch me, Dare. I need to erase these nightmare memories with pleasure. Worship you because you love me.”

He groaned, his expression fiery with desire.

I swallowed him and pushed it deep until his head hit the back of my throat.

“Red.” His hips pumped faster. “It’s coming quick. Missed you so goddam much.”

I caressed his sac and hummed deep in my throat. I needed him to feel bliss. I wetted my finger and moved past the taint to his anus. I pressed against it.

“Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.” He lost rhythm and his balls tightened. I felt the surge of come before his hot juices spurted into my mouth. I swallowed hungrily, pushing deep even as he shuddered under me. My finger continued caressing his pucker. He arched back with his head resting on the back of the bench. His hips moved slower.

His face relaxed without the tension he’d carried all day. I continued loving his cock with my mouth, needing him to understand my devotion to him. I stared up at him, mesmerized. He stared down at me.

“I love you, Red.” He caressed my hair. “It’s been so long.” He rocked slowly into me. “Hard to stop.”

I didn’t want him to ever stop.

Emotion swamped me. Relief and love filled me even as the dark tendrils of anger floated through me. I never thought I’d kneel in front of him again. Now we’d made it this far, nothing and no one would take him from me again, including the stubborn idiot in front of me.

He tugged me up as he stood. He possessed me with his kiss, and I was ecstatic to be claimed. Once he’d fastened his jeans, he cradled me on his lap. I snuggled into him, happy for the first time in a long time.

“How old are you?” I had never asked. “And I don’t know your name.”

He sat still a minute, and I thought he might not answer. “I’m twenty-seven and my birth name was Darren Forrester, but I never use it.”

I understood why. His parents had betrayed him in the worst way possible.

“Will you forgive me?” His blue eyes shadowed with remorse.

“Of course, shh.”

He leaned away from me. “No, Red, don’t give me a pass. Listen to me.”

I sat straighter. “I’m listening.”

“I didn’t understand how I’d hurt you until that night in front of the club.” He tightened his grip on me. “I knew, almost instantly, I’d upset you when I walked away.”

“Twice. You did it to me twice.” The words came without thought.

He nodded. “But I’m so fucked up. I thought I protected you by leaving. You deserved someone whole, someone better than me.”

His quiet words devastated me. He deserved more. “I thought you pushed me away because I wasn’t enough.” Emotion choked me. I swallowed it down. “So you left me.”

His hand caressed my cheek. “You’re so much more than enough. No one ever cared for me like you do, and it screwed with my head. Built up all this fear inside me.” He blew out a heavy breath. “Even after, you went out of your way to be kind. And I kept driving knives into you.” He hung his head. “Forgive me. There’s no apology for the pain I caused you.”

I absorbed his words. They pushed past the love that glowed around me like a shield, sinking deeper until they settled in the dark pit of my soul. He needed my forgiveness because he’d done serious damage, and he couldn’t repair it. But I had the choice to forgive him. Accept him.

I touched his cheek and haunted eyes searched my face. “I can forgive you and...” He closed his eyes like he awaited his sentence. “...need a promise from you. A commitment. You can’t ever push me away like this again. No matter what worries you, share it with me. Be open.”

He hung his head, and pain stole my breath. Had we come this far for everything to blow up?

“I can’t share club business. Red, I’d do anything for you but betray my brothers.” His hair hid his face, but I heard the regret in his voice.