Entangled (52 page)

“No one is better off alone.”

“Are you going to play some pool?” He gets off the chair and searches for a pool stick. We play each other a few games. Normally I’m competitive and cocky when it comes to shooting pool, but tonight, it’s more of a distraction.

On the way home, Spencer calls me. Maybe he has advice for me.

“Okay, so I saw this hot couple that was all hands-on, on the subway and I thought of you and Maddy. Just thought I’d check in with my favorite people.”

“Thanks Spence, what are you doing taking the subway?”

He laughs, “Hey, I like to take the subway, once in a while.”

“Well, I’m glad we were on your mind.” It feels good hearing his voice, it always makes me feel better after having negative thoughts.

“So, how are you two lovebirds doing?”

I pull up to the complex, and sit, not wanting to be alone. “Well, we’re…I don’t know what we are at this point. I mean, we’re good but not.”

“What happened? I know you guys like to fight a lot, but you always make up.” I groan, wishing it were so simple. We did fight in New York more than we did here, at least before our trip. I guess you can’t fight if you don’t talk and I hope it doesn’t come to that.

“I’m coming home sometime next month for a while. I don’t know how long.”

“Woah, what happened? Are you moving back here? Did you break up with her? Are you cheating on her? Noah, what the fuck?”

“God, no I’m not cheating on her. I haven’t broken up with her…yet. I just need some time alone, away from here. Being back home really brought so much shit and I brought it here and now I’m bitter and avoiding her because I know I won’t be good company.” My phone beeps and I take it away from my ear to see another text. I bang my head against the headrest a couple of times, soon realizing Spencer’s talking. “Sorry, man I gotta go.”

“Noah, please don’t do anything stupid. Don’t deny your love for her. The past is the past, and yeah, I can only imagine how hard it was for you to be here again and having to face your sperm donor, but don’t let it fuck up the best thing you got going in your life. If you need to come here to get your head out of your ass for a while, fine, you can stay with me and I’ll get you fucked up and we’ll party hard and you’ll have a great time and then you’ll forget about all your problems and go back home to her and all will be great with the world again. But don’t do anything rash yet. Just take time…let me know what you decide.” I laugh to myself at his advice but find it helpful.

“Jesus dude, did you even take a breath in between all those sentences?” He laughs, “I’m a pro, what can I say? Keep in touch.”

“I will, thanks Spence.”

“You’re welcome.”

“Oh, Noah I just love this table.” Aunt Linda beams as I show her the final product. I painted the table a dark wood color. It’s nice and thankfully, not too big to fit in the spot in the kitchen. Derrick and I take the old rusty table and set it on the side of the house. “I’ll have to get it to the dumpster.”

“I’ll take it to the dumpster over the week.” I tell her. She hugs me.

“Thank you. It’s beautiful.”

“I wanted to paint it burgundy but I think the brown goes with the brown cabinets pretty well.” Derrick sits down on the old table, I lean against the side of the house.

“It’s perfect the way it is.” We all go inside and sit around the new table. Aunt Linda makes a pot of coffee but I fix myself a glass of ice water instead. “So, how are you Noah?” I glance at Derrick, he looks away with a pained expression and I wonder if he’s told her anything yet. But then, why would she ask me if she already knew?

“Honestly? Not good.” She tilts her head, confused and before she can ask questions, the door bursts open, followed by Andi and Maddy. My heart sinks to the floor at the sight of her, she looks ghastly. Has she slept much?

“Oh hey, this is a nice table. Good job Noah.” Andi smiles, oblivious to the thick tension in the air. I just smile, unable to speak, with Maddy glaring at me.

She walks over to me and quietly says, “Can we talk?” I’m left with no choice but to oblige, feeling uncomfortable with everyone staring at me.

“Let’s go outside.” I suggest. She follows me to the swing and we sit. “So, you haven’t answered my texts lately or my phone calls. I’d begun to think you fell off the face of the earth. What’s going on?”

“I’m still here.” I look up at the sky, it’s getting dark and it’s chilly. There’s been snow off and on.

“Can you answer me why I feel like we’re drifting? I miss you; I want to spend time with you. But you seem to be on another planet, since we came back from our trip. I don’t feel like I know you anymore.” The swing slowly rocks back and forth. I stare at her shaking hands in her lap. I take them and kiss them, feeling irritation surface, with myself. “I’m sorry, just give me time. I’ll be myself again. I’ve got a lot on my mind.”

“Does this have to do with New York? With your father and what he said? Is it me?” Yes, and not just him but with the fact that this girl is so strong and incredible but needs to be put first and I can’t do that, right now.

I lie instead and say, “It’s many different things and I feel like I need time to sort through my feelings. I’ll be okay. I’m sorry for making you feel like we’re estranged. I’ll make it up to you, somehow. I just need space.”

“I don’t get it-“

“You don’t have to. Just give me space and this will be forgotten. We’ll be the happy couple we were before.” What a fucking lie and an asshole I am. I stand up and start to walk away but then stop and turn to face her. “Come here.” She hesitates, but then she walks into my embrace and I wrap my arms around her. This feels like it could be goodbye, so final, so damn hard to bear. I grip her waist tightly, not wanting to let her go. I inhale the scent of her shampoo, kiss her neck and abruptly let go, taking a step back. I want to tell her about me leaving; I want to tell her it will be okay, and that I’ll come back to her. But what if it’s a lie? God damn, this is
hard as fuck. I run back into the house before she can see the tears that will tell her that things are not okay. If I gave her a sense of hope for all to be okay, maybe she’ll be able to sleep. I’m a mess. I rush to the bathroom and wash my face. I look at my reflection in the mirror and glare, the person staring back at me is a pussy and needs to be beaten. I guess my father was right, I’m just like him.

“Noah?” I hear my aunt call from outside the door. I wipe the water off my face with a towel and leave the bathroom. “They’re gone.” Hearing those words feels like a punch to the gut. “Let’s go to the kitchen, so we can talk.”

We sit and stare at each other, neither of us talking. What can I say that will make this better? The air is thick and it’s stifles me, I have to say something. “I’m going back to New York.” I blurt out; looking at the table, but my focus is blurred.

“What? Why?” I detect panic or surprise in her voice. I hate to leave her. She’s been one of the best influences in my life, and I feel angry for taking off like that.

“I don’t know for how long, but I do know that I need it. Right now I just need to sort through some stuff.”

She glances around, uncertain how to respond. She sips on her coffee in silence, mulling over my plan. “I’m sorry Aunt Linda. I’m just so messed up right now. I need to be away from here-“

“From Maddy, right?”

I look up and see understanding in her expression. She does get me, and she’s sadder but at least, she understands. I nod, reluctant to admit it’s the truth. “I just think it’s better this way. She deserves someone who’s not messed up. I mean, I come back from our trip, screwed up.”

“You’re still dealing with emotional issues you’ve had all your life, it doesn’t go away, Noah. You may try to run away from it, but it always catches up.”

“I just wanna be normal and happy. Seeing my father again made me realize I might never be, I might never have that luxury of being in love and happy. I’m no better than him.”

“That is bull shit, Noah.” I flinch at her tone, and the fact that she hardly ever curses, except when talking about him. He always brings the claws out with this woman. “You are better than him, and once you see it yourself, you’ll feel freer, in control. You have to believe it, you’re a better man than he’ll ever be. I hate him for everything he’s done to you and your mother.” Her face changes from anger to sympathy and compassion. “I know you love Maddy, but sometimes it takes more than love to make a relationship work. You have to put her needs first and right now, you have too many emotional scars to carry along with hers. Maybe some time away from here will give you a better perspective.”

I smile sadly. “Yeah, I just hope I find all the answers I’m going to be looking for.”

“Your past needs to be dealt with in order to move forward, with anyone. You can’t have a future if you’re still stuck in your past. It’s sad that it has to be this way, but I’ll support you in any decision you make. I’ll make arrangements, and call your mom. She’d love to have you around, maybe you can go to therapy with her a few times. You two need to work out your issues too.” I nod in agreement.

“I’ll probably stay with Spencer most of the time.”

“This could be a good thing for you. It could help you heal-“

“Or it could hurt me.”

“You won’t know until you face it.” We finish our drinks and I sleep in the spare bedroom. I sit on the bed with my phone in my hand, and after a few minutes of contemplation, I make a phone call.

“Hey Noah, I was wondering how you were doing.”

“I’m coming to town in a few weeks or so, alone.”

“Is everything alright?”

“Not really, but maybe one day it will be.” I tell my mom about my worries and even though she tells me she is the last person to ask for advice, she listens. It’s all I need, is my mother to listen to me, without the influence of alcohol or men. Just her, my mom. Now I’m not expecting for us to get into a quick routine of and relationship. But it will help for when I’m there, I think. I hope. She tells me of her sessions and her therapist and her future plans of moving to a small apartment in the country outside of the busy New York city.

When we finally hang up, I fall asleep with a small piece of mind. One day at a time, is all I can take it. I just need to figure out how to tell Maddy.

Chapter 59

Maddy

Since we got back from New York, things between Noah and I have been really strange. It feels like we’re drifting apart and it scares the hell out of me. I don’t know whether to be worried or maybe I’m just paranoid. But every time I ask him to do something with me, he finds an excuse why he can’t. It doesn’t make any sense to me and I wish I knew what was going on, but asking him would mean that I’m concerned about our relationship. We had a great time, for the most part…during the holidays. Our Christmas was very low key this year. And of course he tried to take me out for my birthday but I just wanted to treat it like every other day. I hate that I can’t enjoy my birthday each year, but all it brings is sadness and tears and a lot of painful memories. You’d think by now, it would get easier, but it doesn’t. It hasn’t. I’m 24 now and just feel like I haven’t accomplished enough.

Actually, I have. I found love and I have a great job and surrounded by great people, and influences. I just wish I knew what was going on with Jim. Well, so far he’s been doing better lately; making progress. But who knows if it will last. He’s had good days and bad days. I just hope the good days last longer now. It’s been snowing here off and on the last couple months. It’s been beautiful. And it was so amazing to see snow in New York as well. The memories of being in the city with Noah makes me smile. Maybe I am being paranoid.

When I got off work today, I drove to the store for some paint. I wanted to surprise Noah and have a painting party. That’s if I can get him to agree, if he’s not too busy.

I changed in to old sweat pants and an old white t-shirt and quickly got in my car and sped to his apartment like a bat out of hell. Now, sitting here in my car, I feel confused. I remove the scrunchy from around the gear shift, pull my hair back, replacing the scrunchy in a bun on top of my head. A pain in my stomach of knotted nerves, I take a deep breath and reach in the back seat for the paint. I consider suggesting we order pizza. I haven’t eaten and he may be hungry too. I’ve got the pizza place on speed dial. I reach the door and stop, talking myself out of leaving. I’m gonna do this, and it’s gonna be fun. We need time together, time alone.

I knock a couple of times, softly at first. I look around to see people milling about the complex. When no one answers, I raise my hand to knock again about the time the door flies open. “Hi.” I say, hesitant. He looks disheveled, interrupted.

He sees the can of paint I’m holding and says, “What’s that?”

“Paint. I thought we could have another painting party, possibly order pizza or something. Are you busy?” He holds the door open and I step through, setting the paint can down near the door. “Hi.” I say again, noticing his change in demeanor. He usually has me in his arms by now, kissing me. But right now, he’s distant and I don’t like it.