Eternal (32 page)
Authors: London Saint James
“That is so wonderful,” I said. “I love when
life allows a happy ending.”
“Sweet, you will get your own happy ending, too.
You need to believe in that,” Philomena said.
I felt my smile fade and turned to glance out
the window. I saw the rain as it fell. “Sometimes we are destined to a lifetime
in the rain, standing outside the realm of the sun,” I replied.
Ackerly reached out and touched my hand
tenderly. “It’s true,” Ackerly said softly. “Every life has some rain but
behind every cloud there is the prospect of the sun. Not every day will be
filled with rain. The sun shall come.”
“My sun has come twice in my lifetime. I doubt I
can expect it again.”
“Sweet, tell us how you have come to be here?”
Philomena asked.
I looked at her and Ackerly, who were holding
hands in the kitchen of their flat. Time showing in the lines, wrinkles and age
spots of their skin yet their love, their devotion, had never faded and
decided,
why not?
They would understand. Keep my story their own. So I
proceeded to tell them the story of my shining sun. I told them about Austin
Carlyle and Cayden Cain.
Chapter Nineteen
Birthday
I dreamed about Cayden. He was beautiful,
smiling at me, telling me to relax and breathe while he ran his index finger
down the surface of my cheek. It was a good dream. I wanted to stay within my
dream world where we were together, perfect and happy but found I woke to the
sound of the radio. The feel of warmth over my face was the sun shining in
through my bedroom window, not the warmth of Cayden’s fingers. I touched my
cheek with the remembrance of the dream. It was as if I could feel his touch,
it was so real.
I let go of my cheek, stretched then patted my
stomach. “Good morning, my baby,” I greeted.
I took a long shower and to no surprise reveled
in the heat of the water. It was refreshing to my body. I rolled my neck along
my shoulders and enjoyed the water while it beat down on the muscles of my
back. It felt wonderful, and as usual, I had to pull myself from the sensation
and get on with my day. I found some comfortable clothes to put on. It was
strange to wear pants that stretch. I missed my jeans. But I knew as time went
on, my pants would be stretching even further, so I smiled.
As I always do, every day, I thought about
Cayden. I wondered how he was doing. I closed my eyes and remembered the color
of his clear blue-gray eyes. The warmth of his hands on my body, the way he
would kiss me. My moment was broken by my cell phone
buzzing
and bouncing
across my desktop. I grabbed it before it bounded off the edge.
“Hello.”
“Winter, how are you?”
Melissa’s voice trilled out over the surface of
my ear.
“Melissa, I’m fine. How are you?” I asked.
“I am wonderful!” She squealed in delight.
“It sounds like it. The last time we talked, you
were a little down. I am glad to hear you so happy. Let me guess why you might
sound so ecstatic.”
Melissa giggled in her girlish tinkle. “Okay,
guess.”
“
“Yes.” She laughed. “He has asked me out on a
real date. I said yes. We are going out tomorrow night.”
Melissa was gushing as she spoke.
“Melissa, that is so wonderful. I was hoping he
would pull his head out and get a clue.” I laughed because her laugh was always
infectious.
“Now tell me, Winter. Are you really fine?”
I felt my face turn into a scowl.
“You know the answer, Melissa.”
“Yes.” She paused. “I think you both should be
together. There has got to be a way.”
“Melissa,” I said.
“I know, Winter. I am still hoping for you two.
You know I believe in happy endings.”
“How is he?” I asked.
Melissa became extremely quiet, too quiet then
she said, “Well….”
“It’s okay. I already know the answer to my own
question.”
“Listen, I have to go but I had to tell you my
news, and I wanted to hear how you are doing. Winter, please take care of
yourself. I will call you in a few days. We will have a long talk then, okay?”
“Sure. You have a great time with
for you.”
With a smile upon my face, I made my way into
the kitchen, truly happy for Melissa. While
Thinking how nice it was to hear Melissa so upbeat, I tugged out my toaster
from the corner to heat an english muffin. The word ravenous explains my
appetite of late, so I made and ate two. By the time I glanced up to see the
time flashing on my microwave, it was too late to make a cup of tea. My morning
was slipping away. I needed to get a move on since I had an appointment.
I rushed into the bathroom and brushed my teeth
with speed, vigor as well as force. Either I pressed too hard, or I needed to
buy a softer bristled toothbrush. I glanced at my face in the mirror. Too pale.
I pinched my cheeks in an attempt to add some color then I gave up, added some
powder, a little blush, a dab of lip-gloss and some mascara. On my way to the
door, I grabbed my purse along with my keys, twisted my hair up with a clip off
my neck, and headed out.
Ackerly and Philomena were in the small front
yard of their flat, weeding their flower garden. Philomena did a finger
waggling wave in my direction as I made my way down the sidewalk.
“Off to the doctor?” Ackerly asked.
“Yep, I have an ultrasound today. The doctor is
going to take a peek at the baby,” I replied.
“Wonderful!” Philomena exclaimed with a bright
smile. “Your first peek.”
“And look, Winter,” Ackerly said. He pointed up
toward the sky. “The sun is shining today.” I smiled.
Today I turned thirty-nine. I glanced at the big
calendar that hung on the wall of the doctor’s office. Friday, June
twenty-seventh popped out at me in dark black ominous numbers. The only thing
that gave me solace was the fact Jewel, Claudia, and Bean would be coming to
visit me in a couple of weeks. I couldn’t wait to see them. They would be
surprised to find me with a belly, and more than likely have a lot of
questions. I wasn’t sure how I would answer them, but I’d deal with that later.
My cell phone
pinged
at me. I flipped it
open to see a text from Q.
Happy Birthday,
sugar plum!
The words switched over to a slide show of naked
muscle men, wearing some well-placed party hats. The background music was “It’s
Raining Men.” I had to laugh, leave it to Q.
“Good morning, Winter. Let’s take a look at that
baby, shall we?” the doctor said as he approached. I tucked my cell phone into
my bag.
“Good morning, doctor,” I replied.
Before I could blink, he pulled up my gown and
applied the clear jelly-like substance to my small protruding belly.
“So how have you been feeling, any further
morning sickness?” the doctor inquired.
I felt the strange sensation as he rolled the
wand over my tummy, plowing its way through the jelly on my skin. “I’ve been
feeling pretty good actually. I haven’t been sick in a while now.” I heard the
beating of the baby’s heart ring out over the speaker. It was clear and strong.
It made me cry. I cried for joy at hearing it then I cried with sadness because
Cayden could not hear it.
Doctor McConnell asked, “Would you like to know
the sex of the baby?”
“No. I want to be surprised,” I replied.
He gave me his sideways smile and handed me a
tissue for my tears.
“We have a strong steady heartbeat. Here, take a
look at the screen,” he said.
I adjusted myself to look at the monitor.
Wonderment of this moment washed over me as I observed our baby, Cayden and my
baby, move its little arms and legs. The shape of its tiny head became evident.
The baby moved its small hand toward its face and mouth. I saw a tiny nose.
“Amazing.” I breathed.
“Everything is looking good,” the doctor said.
I stepped out of the doctor’s office onto the
sidewalks of
still reeling at the sound of my baby’s heart, remembering the little arms and
legs as they stirred on the screen. I loved the baby I was carrying, but to see
it, watch it move inside of me, filled me with an overwhelming sense of love
that stunned me for a moment. Nothing in the world, not time or separation or
circumstance would ever change how I felt. This baby would always be connected
to me, be mine, be Cayden’s and we three would always be. Cayden was still with
me. He was a part of me in a way that was magical, so I would cling to this.
I glanced up as a bright red double-decker bus
passed down the busy city streets, followed by some taxicabs along with other
small compact cars. The city buzzed, horns honked, feet clicked upon the
pavement. I closed my eyes. I stood quietly listening to the sounds and
gathering the feel of the city.
eyes to see crowds of people pass me. They were all heading in differing
directions. All of them headed for their own lives, loves, their own dreams I
imagined.
I turned in time to see a tall well-built man,
who caught my attention for one moment. His build similar to Cayden’s. He was
wearing faded jeans with an old gray T-shirt sporting the Ramones printed
across the front. I watched him walk hand-in-hand with his girlfriend or
perhaps his wife. They were happy, smiling while they fed each other ice cream
from the same cone. Cayden and I were never free like that. Never able to walk
down the sidewalks together. Unable to enjoy a beautiful day in the city with
each other, out in the open.
I placed my hand to my stomach, assuring myself
today would be a good day. The appointment had gone well. The baby was fine
plus everything with the pregnancy seemed to be coming along as it should.
“Don’t worry, my baby. Today will be a great
day,” I assured, patting the belly that belonged to me.
I took my time and strolled leisurely, enjoying
the day and partook in some window shopping before stopping at a small café to
sit and rest with an orange juice, along with a newspaper. I read about
Cayden’s movie,
Eternally Yours
, the
movie I helped write. It will be released in the theaters in
the knowledge. How strange everything in my life seemed. Flashes of sadness,
greatness, pain, joy, loss, love, anxiety, peace, fear, strength filled me.
With each flash, a new memory flooded me.
I thought how life is really a series of
flashes. I understand how life moves fast, too fast, especially through all the
special parts, the great parts, those quiet moments held tight within our
lovers arms, the laughter you share with each other, the kisses, those first
glances when you realize how much you love them. Our life finds the joy of
friends; the love of family and the ties that stretch, sometimes break, but
somehow always bind us. I realized if we are not careful, we could miss some of
the necessary flashes to our lives. Maybe I was being sentimental, maybe too
philosophical but to love, one must live. I owed my life to Austin Wells
Carlyle and Cayden Aaron Cain. To love and to be loved in return is one of the
greatest gifts life gives us. I had been doubly blessed. For just as I loved
And amazingly I was deeply loved by both of them in return.
I finished my juice, experiencing the last burst
of Tang brush over my tongue then gathered my things from the small table.
Pausing briefly at the trash receptacle, I threw the bottle and my paper away.
When I opened the door to leave the café, I giggled to myself. An old cowbell
rang. The sound resembled the old bell that day long ago while eating ice cream
at the Vineyard with Austin and our friends. The thought of stopping at the
market for some ice cream before I headed for the Tube station on my way back
to my flat skipped through my mind. Perhaps I’d buy some waffle cones? My cell
phone interrupted the thought of the frosty treat as it rang. I figured it was
my mother calling to wish me a happy birthday, but when I pulled it out of my
pocket Zander’s number flash across the display. My hands began to shake. There
was the distinct possibility this was Cayden and not Zander.
I closed my eyes, took a breath….
“Hello.”
“Winter.”
A sense
of sadness as well as relief filled me at hearing his voice. “This is Zander,”
he said.
“Zander, how are you?”
“I am fine. I felt the need to check on you.”
I laughed. “I am fine.”