Ethan, Who Loved Carter (22 page)

He glanced back at the sign. He was upset now, so he might as well use the list or else Carter would think he was hopeless.

5. You are the most beautiful man I’ve ever known. Thank you for being in my life.

Ethan read it again. And again.

He tore the sign off the wall and raced downstairs, being sure to hold onto the railing. Seeing Carter on the couch, Ethan dove on top of him and kissed him.

“So you saw it?” Carter asked. He rested his hands on Ethan’s wet hips.

“I saw it.” Happiness wanted to burst from him. It welled up and spilled out in tears. Maybe this was why Carter had cried the first time they had sex. Thinking of Carter happy like this made Ethan even happier. “Thank you.”

“Did you finish your shower?”

“No.” He started for the stairs, stopped, and picked up the sign. In the shower, he put it back in its spot.

Over the next couple of days, Ethan found other notes.
“I love you.”
with directions for working the microwave.
“You’re perfect.”
alongside the entertainment system;
“You’re the best thing that ever happened to me.”
next to the breadbox with directions for making grilled cheese sandwiches.

Ethan scrawled out his own notes and stuck them between the pages of Carter’s scores.
“You make me feel like there’s nothing wrong with me.” “I want you every day.” “Your ass is amazing.”
He put a smiley face on the last one. Each time Carter found one, he gave Ethan a big kiss.

“E
THAN
!”
Vera threw her arms around Ethan’s neck, going on her tiptoes to do so. “You’re here!”

“Yeah,” Ethan said. He took his apron down from its hook and put it on. He didn’t know why she was surprised. She’d come to Carter’s house in the morning, stamped her tiny foot and said, “Everyone misses you. Get your ass back to work.” Ethan hadn’t even had a chance to tell her “no” before she slammed the door and left.

He wouldn’t have been able to come if not for his meetings with Dr. Sorensen. She helped Ethan understand what he was feeling toward his parents and talked to him about Mike and Douglas. He was angry at them too, but mostly he felt betrayed.

“Your friends and family love you,” she said, and they worked on helping him go outside again. His parents came over every evening. Ethan had started looking forward to it. Elliot came sometimes, or else he came after school. Carter seemed happier too, which was great. Dr. Sorensen said they could talk about medicine to help Ethan get hard, but first they should focus on what Ethan was going through. Carter came in for a few sessions and said he didn’t mind about Ethan not being able to have sex with him; he just wanted Ethan to be happy.

“Sex makes me happy,” Ethan said.

“I thought I made you happy.” Carter rubbed Ethan’s hand.

“Sex with you makes me super happy.”

Dr. Sorensen cleared her throat. Ethan beamed at her while Carter turned red.

He glanced over to Mike and Douglas’s table. A woman sat there now with her head buried in a book. Carter had driven him, but instead of dropping him off, Carter had taken a place at his usual table, which he’d covered with music sheets. He bent over a notebook with his pencil. Ethan walked over to him. “You don’t have to be here. I’m fine.”

Carter looked up. “One, I like it here. Two, I know you’re fine. Three, boyfriends visit each other at work.”

“They do?”

“Yes. Now go away so I can get some work done.” Carter squeezed Ethan’s hand.

“Okay.” Ethan headed for the counter to pick up another order. Andy was glad to have him back, too, which he said was because he was sick of doing Ethan’s work for him, but he gave Ethan a big hug and said, “Missed you, man,” and looked teary when he let go.

Pepper rubbed against Ethan’s legs when he went into the back, and she wouldn’t let him move a box until he stroked her. “Sorry I was gone so long.” She glared at him and nudged his hand with her head.

He recognized a lot of the customers too. They all asked how he was doing, so he told them how he found out he wasn’t hit by a car after all, but that made him think about everything that had happened since he learned the truth, so he started to get upset and Vera took him into the back so he could pet Pepper and calm down. Carter had left by then.

“Do you want me to call him?” Vera asked.

“No. I’ll be fine. Dr. Sorensen says I can’t hide from it. I just need a minute.”

“Take as long as you need.”

“But not too long,” Andy said, “there’s a spill in the back.” But he squeezed Ethan’s shoulder and pushed him down when Ethan started to stand. Pepper dug her claws into Ethan’s lap.

“I don’t think Pepper’s done with me,” Ethan said. He picked her up and hugged her against his cheek. “I’ll be out soon.”

“You know,” Andy said, “you could try not telling people the whole story, since it makes you feel this way.”

“What am I supposed to say?”

“How about, if they say it’s good to see you back, you say ‘thank you’, and if they say ‘what happened?’, you say ‘I needed to take some time for myself.’ That’s the truth, isn’t it?”

“Yeah. But it feels like lying not to say everything that happened when they ask me.”

“There’s a difference between lying and protecting yourself.”

Ethan jerked his head up to stare at Andy. “That’s what my mom said.”

Andy pressed his lips together. “Well, I’m not saying what your parents did was the right thing, but maybe it’s something you should try for yourself.” Bending down, he kissed Ethan’s cheek. “Come out soon. That spill might have dried by now.”

When he returned to the front, the customer who had been talking to Ethan before he started crying walked over to him. “I didn’t mean to upset you,” she said. “I’m sorry about that.”

“It’s okay. I cry sometimes and I can’t help it.” The woman was a regular, so she probably knew that.

“I’m still sorry. You know we think a lot about you. Everyone here does. We never want to see you upset.”

Ethan hadn’t known people felt that way about him. It almost made him want to cry again, but this time because he felt loved. “Thank you.” She made a sound like “eep!” when Ethan hugged her, but then she gave him a big squeeze in return. Ethan went back to work. He took Andy’s advice and only said “thank you” when people said “welcome back” to him and didn’t go into what had happened. It helped.

When he went home to Carter’s house, they sat curled up on the couch together.

“How was the rest of your day?” Carter asked.

“I got upset because I talked about Mike and Douglas.”

“Oh, Ethan.”

“I’ll talk to Dr. Sorensen about it.” Ethan patted Carter so Carter wouldn’t get upset too. “But after that, a lady told me how much everyone loves me.”

Smiling, Carter tugged him close by pulling on Ethan’s shirt and kissed him. “Of course they do. But not as much as me, right?”

Ethan pretended to think about it. “Well, I don’t know. She said they love me a lot—” He laughed as Carter pushed him onto his back with a fake growl and pounced on top of him.

“I’ll show you love, mister!” Carter said. Ethan flung his arms around Carter and hooked a leg around Carter’s. If they couldn’t have sex, kissing was the next best thing. Sometimes, Ethan thought it was better than sex. He loved Carter’s little sounds and the way he alternated between short kisses and long ones that made him gasp for air because he forgot to breathe during them. After one of those long kisses, Ethan made Carter stop. Carter hovered above him, his lips pink and his mouth open. “Huh?”

“I believe you,” Ethan said. “And so you know, I love you the most too.”

“I know.” Carter’s grin was huge. Ethan studied it, wanting to remember it always, and to always have Carter happy like this. Ecstatic, he pulled Carter back down so they could kiss more.

C
ARTER
looked up from his desk as Ethan burst into the living room. Alice was coming up for the weekend to stand over him while he finished a late score, and he wanted to get as much done as possible before she arrived. Elliot lay on the couch, headphones on, reading.

Ethan wasn’t wearing any pants. He stopped behind the couch, his smile brimming with joy. “My penis is hard!”

“I can see that,” Carter said. Ethan’s dick wagged beneath the bottom of his shirt.

Elliot pulled his headphones off and covered his eyes. “Please tell me he’s wearing pants.”

“Nope,” Carter opened his arms for a hug. Ethan raced around the couch. Carter grinned back at Ethan, too happy in Ethan’s joy to be embarrassed that it was all happening in front of Elliot.

Ethan dove into Carter’s embrace and lifted him to his feet. “I was just touching it like usual and then all of a sudden it happened!”

“I’m outta here. See ya.” Elliot fled, shielding his face with his hand to block them from view. Carter didn’t even pull back from Ethan’s hug to see if he’d closed the door properly.

“You want to do me right now, don’t you?” Carter asked.

“Yeah.”

Carter joined in with Ethan’s laughter. He kissed Ethan’s lips. “Go get the condom and lube. We have to be fast. I don’t want Alice walking in on you screwing me over the couch.”

Ethan held onto the banister for balance and ran up the stairs as fast as he could go. Carter went to check that the front door was locked.

When Ethan got back, Carter had his pants off and, as promised, was bent over the back of the couch so Ethan only saw his legs and ass. When Ethan didn’t touch him, Carter pushed himself up to look over his shoulder. Ethan was staring at his ass. “You’re beautiful, too,” Ethan said.

“You’re always looking at my butt when you say that.”

“Uh-huh.” Ethan moved closer to touch it. He lubed Carter up, stretched him with his fingers, put the condom on, and pushed in.

“Do it fast,” Carter said. “I want it hard. We’ve both been waiting for this.”

Ethan grabbed Carter’s hips and did everything Carter said.

Carter wished he was flexible enough to twist around and kiss him. Settling for stretching backward to touch Ethan’s arm, he said, “I love you, Ethan. You know. Love you.”

Ethan groaned out as his orgasm took him over. Carter felt Ethan’s heart pounding against his back as he collapsed down and pulled Carter backward to take him in hand. Carter came after a few fast strokes. “Love you too,” Ethan said. He caught Carter as Carter stood and turned around to land against Ethan’s chest. “So much.”

I
T
WASN
’
T
fair that Ethan had to go to work. He wanted to stay home and have more sex, but Carter had work to do too, and Ethan had to be responsible. Plus Alice was visiting, and she said Carter was really behind. Carter told Ethan that his butt hurt from being “out of practice,” but that was supposed to be a secret between Ethan and him. The shift dragged, even though Carter was there at his usual table. Near the end, Alice came in, waved at him, and headed for Carter’s table. She’d stayed in the guest room the night before, and Ethan was pretty sure she’d heard them because Carter was
loud
, and her face was scrunched up through breakfast like she was trying not to laugh.

“Ethan, can you take the trash outside?” Vera pointed at the overflowing trashcans, and distracted him from wondering if Carter would say yes if Ethan asked him a fourth time to come into the back and suck his penis.

Every other time Carter had said, “Mom’s rule,” meaning the one about not having his penis out in public places, and Ethan had wandered off to sulk.

“Sure.” Going to each of their three trashcans, he tied off the full bags, replaced them with new ones, and dragged the garbage out the back door. The dumpster was in the back of the parking lot, three car spaces away. He pulled the bags down, wrinkling his nose against the dumpster smell as he got closer. Opening the dumpster lid, Ethan hefted the bags in and slammed the lid closed.

“Ethan.”

He froze as he recognized the voice, that same voice that had made him cry—and that was before he’d known what Douglas should really mean to him.
Douglas was not allowed to be here.

“I’m not going to hurt you.”

He could throw something from the dumpster… but no, it was empty except for his bags, and he couldn’t reach them now. Turning around, he faced Douglas.

“You shouldn’t be here.”

“I know. Look, I’m staying back. I heard you were working again.” Douglas indicated that he had no intention of moving forward. He stood in front of the car closest to the coffee shop’s back door, while Ethan stood in front of the furthest car. “I just wanted to talk to you. Can I do that?”

Ethan didn’t see how he could get past Douglas, so he nodded. “Just don’t touch me.”

“I won’t. I wanted to tell you that I’m sorry. Not only for what we did, but for coming back. I told Mike it was a bad idea, that you’d find out and it would hurt you worse if you thought we were friends.”

“It did,” Ethan said.

“He wouldn’t listen to me. He thought, I don’t know, if he could come in and be nice to you, it would make a difference for what we did to you.” He wiped his sleeve across his nose. “It just… it made it worse.”

“You didn’t like me. You were always telling him not to hang out with me.”

Douglas laughed, but he didn’t sound happy. “I don’t have any fucking right to like you. I knew what being nice to you would do to you when you found out. When, not if, Ethan. I knew you’d find out eventually. Mike’s a fucking, I don’t know, he’s got ideas about how to make everything better that don’t mean much in the real world.” He stepped forward, but stopped when Ethan stepped back. Douglas scooted backward again. “Sorry.”

“So, you were mean to me because of that?”

“I wasn’t mean to you. Telling Mike not to hang out with you isn’t the same as being mean to you.”

“Yes it is.”

Douglas glanced at the sky. Clear blue day, the day that normally made Ethan see music. Today the notes hung drained and unsung. “I guess you would see it that way. It wasn’t how I meant it. I knew this would happen, and I wanted to stop it.” He tugged his sleeves down. “I’m sorry that I couldn’t.”