Euphoria (8 page)

Again, I just nodded. I wasn’t sure what to say really. I almost couldn’t believe that it was my Mason sitting in front of me saying those things. I knew what he said was true, just like it wasn’t Ash’s fault that I ran away after Evie’s death or Bentley’s fault that I slept with Max. I made the choices to react in the manners in which I did; I failed myself in critical moments of which my character was tested.

Heather’s voice pulled me from my wandering thoughts. “Scarlett, why did you come here to see Mason last week?”

I looked up at her, a bit befuddled. “Because I love him, because I care about him. I needed to see with my own eyes that he was here getting the help that he needed.”

“Not because you felt guilty or felt pity?” she asked.

“No,” I answered ardently. “I’m not saying that I don’t feel guilt because I do… or I have, but I would’ve come to see him no matter the reason or circumstances that he was here. And I’ve never felt pity towards him. I may not understand the things he does, but never pity.”

She looked at Mason, “I’m very proud of you today, Mason. I know saying a lot of that wasn’t easy, but it needed to be said for both yours and Scarlett’s sake. Now the last thing that needs to be discussed is where each of you see your relationship going in the future, if anywhere. If you both to choose that today is the last time you see one another, I feel confident that you can both put the past behind you. You’ve both apologized to one another, and you both seem to understand that it’s time to take responsibility for yourself and your own decisions. Many people are dealt really shitty hands in life, but there comes a time that you have to forget the past and take control of your future. Remember, in the end, it’s not about where you start, it’s about where you finish.”

Heather leaned back in her chair, and crossed her hands in her lap. She looked at me, then at Mason, and then back at me. “So the future… Scarlett, look at Mason and tell him how you see y’all’s relationship going forward.”

I slowly shifted my weight so that I was turned towards him. I took a moment before saying anything, as I gathered my feelings and thought about exactly what I wanted to say. “Mase, I can’t say what will happen or not happen in the future, but for now I want to be your friend. I want to get to know you, the inner you. I’m not sure what stage or what kind of love I have for you, but I know that I do love you. I care about you tremendously and I want you to be happy. I’m with Ash, and he makes me happy. He and I do have a connection on a cerebral level that you and I never reached. Mentally and emotionally, he’s there for me.” It took everything in me to not start crying while I said that, but somehow I made it through with dry eyes.

Not breaking our stare, he took his turn. “I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t want to try again with our relationship, to start over knowing what we know now, but I realize that isn’t what’s supposed to happen right now. I would love to be your friend. I would love to know what your favorite color is and if you have any siblings. I want you to be happy, and if Ash makes you happy, I’m okay with that. I know that I have a lot of work still to do on myself before I can even think about focusing my attention on someone else.”

We sat there for several minutes after he finished talking just smiling at each other. I honestly felt like we were going to be okay, both individually and together as friends. Heather offered one last piece of advice before excusing us both from her office.

“Many psychologists refer to euphoria as a state of intense happiness and self-confidence, a blissful self-clarity if you will, and most people throughout their lives search and strive for this feeling. Why many never achieve it is because they never learn how to love themselves. When you discover the true beauty of self-love, then and only then, will you experience pure euphoria. Today you both took a step in the right direction in your quest; don’t look back now.”

Mason and I walked out of her office hand in hand and headed towards the activities room. Neither of us mentioned what was talked about in the session for the rest of the afternoon, but I could feel the positive energy radiating from both of us. We attempted to play chess, but neither of us really knew all of the rules, so it ended with us both in a fit of laughter, and then spent the remainder of the time talking about our favorite books. Since he had quite a bit of free time in the center, he had been reading quite a bit over the prior few weeks, and I loved seeing the enthusiasm in his face as he talked about some of the journeys he had been on with the written word. It was no secret that I was a reading nut, so being able to share that exhilaration with him was awesome. We each agreed to read one of the other’s favorites over the next week even though our genres of choice were quite different. I downloaded Hopeless by Colleen Hoover on his e-reader for him and it appeared I was going to begin the Game of Thrones series. I didn’t care that I wasn’t a fan of supernatural type books, if he liked it so much, I was happy to give it a try.

Before I was ready, it was time for me to head to work, and I hugged him like I had the previous couple of times that I had visited, but this one felt different… genuine and without reservation. This time it was Mason that stood and watched me walk towards the door. Just before heading out into the parking lot, I turned around towards him and said, “It’s pink and I have one older brother, his name is Matt.”

He threw his head back in laughter as I disappeared into the sunlight.

CHAPTER NINE

February Seven ~ The Avett Brothers

Stomach Tied In Knots ~ Sleeping With Sirens

MASON

When Scarlett left the center that day, I felt better than I had in months. I knew that whatever she and I had shared in a romantic, couple-sense was over, but I still felt this overall sensation of calm and peace. I wasn’t naïve enough to believe that just because she and I had talked, that all of my problems were going to be solved, but I knew it was a huge move in the right direction for both of us.

I went back to my room and grabbed my journal and guitar once again, and let the song that was screaming inside my head out. Up until that point, Scarlett had been the muse for many of the songs that I had written, but most of them were dark and depressing, lyrics about lost love and broken hearts. I had written enough tear-inducing ballads in my time at rehab to fill up two albums. Suddenly, I had a song begging to be written that celebrated the time we had shared together, and I began to furiously jot it down. After the last line, I set my pen down and knew that I had just written my first single for when I resumed my music career. It was perfect. Just perfect.

I had a little more than three weeks left in the center than another six at home for outpatient treatment. Heather had already begun talking to me about joining a support group once I was out. I was still a little hesitant about the idea, I wasn’t a huge fan of the group sessions at the clinic as it was, but I wasn’t completely ruling it out either. I also knew it would be hard to be a consistent attendee of a group once I went back on the road with Jobu’s Rum.

I could not wait to get back to making music with my friends. It was my driving force now. I had been a part of the band for so long, I had forgotten what it was like to not be… and I hated it. I often found myself wondering what the guys were doing, especially Sebastian. I knew that he needed help just like I did. I only hoped that what had happened to me was somewhat of an eye opener for him. I had been scared to ask Cruz about it, but the more I thought about it, the more it began to eat at me. I picked up my phone and typed out a text.

ME: Hey man just thought I’d check in on you and the boys.

CRUZ: Doing good. Hows you Rat boy?

ME: Better every day. I’m writing more music than Jobu’s Rum will know what to do with

CRUZ: Awesome. Can’t wait til ur home

ME: Hows Bastian doin? Plz tell me hes getting some help.

CRUZ: Yeah he got real freaked out after Miami. Hes not in a place or anything but hes seeing someone and he’s been clean as far as I know.

ME: That’s what I wanted to hear. Tell everyone I said what’s up. I’ll see y’all in a couple of months.

CRUZ: Will do. Can’t wait.

An overwhelming feeling of relief came over me after reading Cruz’ texts about Sebastian; everything seemed to be falling into place for me. I had made things right with Scarlett, my friends were getting their shit together and ready for me to return, and the drive to make music was stronger than it had ever been. I was actually starting to believe that I deserved to have things work out for me. Maybe I could learn to love myself after all.

SCARLETT

After I left the center, I couldn’t stop thinking about the things that Heather had said in the session Mason and I had with her, especially the part about learning to love myself. If you had asked me prior to that conversation if I loved myself, my answer would have been “sure I do,” but once I really started thinking about it, I began to question it. Did I love myself? Did I respect myself? Did I truly appreciate the person that I was?

Sighing aloud as those thoughts continued to assault my mind while I sat bored at work, I decided that I was in desperate need of a Chocolate Bar rendezvous with Max. Since we lived together now and talked to each other regularly at the apartment about what was going on in our lives, we had ditched our weekly dates at the dessert shop, but I was in desperate need of some chocolate, a latte, and some good advice. I texted him a message asking if he wanted to meet up there after I got off. He responded quickly, like he always did, that he would see me there.

As soon as I locked up the music store, I headed straight there, anxious to talk to Max about my visits with Mase. Walking through the glass doors, I grinned as I saw him waiting at our old table. Hurriedly, I walked over to him and threw my arms around his neck.

“Well, I’m glad to see you too,
sweetheart
,” he said with the emphasis on the nickname.

I jokingly gave him a mean face as I sat across the table from him. “Hey
assface
, so glad you could make it.”

“Assface? Really Scarlett, are you twelve?” He started laughing hard at my comment which in turn made me get the giggles.”

“I have no idea where that came from, but I’m kinda liking it,” I teased. “It suits you.”

“No it doesn’t,” he protested, rubbing his hand over his face. “My face is quite gorgeous, if you haven’t noticed.”

“Nope, haven’t noticed,” I replied, rolling my eyes.

We continued to pick at each other back and forth for several minutes until he finally got serious and asked, “Okay Scarlett, really, why did you text me here? Something’s gotta be up. Talk to me.”

I drew quiet and looked down at my half-eaten chocolate covered twinkie, contemplating just how I went about saying what I needed to say.

Not coming up with any way to ease in the conversation, I looked up at him and blurted out, “I’ve been seeing Mase.”

His back straightened, his eyes got big and he pounded his fist on the table, startling me. “Damn it, what in the world is wrong with you? Why would you cheat on Ash, Scarlett?”

“It… it’s not what you think, Max,” I stuttered. “I didn’t mean like
seeing
him
… I’ve been visiting him in rehab.”

He relaxed a little in his chair, but I could tell he still wasn’t pleased. “I’m guessing you haven’t told Ash.” I shook my head no. “And I’m guessing that’s what you need help with…”

“I don’t know what to say to him to make him understand that we really are just friends, and that things aren’t like they used to be between us.”

Max shook his head and rested his forehead against his palm. “Well my first word of advice is to not start out the convo with ‘I’ve been seeing Mase.’”

I couldn’t help but laugh at how horrible it sounded when he said it. “Yeah, that’s probably not a good idea.”

“Honestly, Scarlett, I’m not really sure what advice to give you. I can tell you that he’s not gonna like it one bit. He thinks that even if you’re intentions are pure and innocent, that Mason’s aren’t… and I can’t really blame him.”

“But we went to therapy together and talked about everything. We got it all out… the past, the things we did wrong… what we want from the future… all of it,” I explained.

He raised his eyebrows and shook his head at me. “You’ve been going to therapy with him? Scarlett, how often have you been to see him?”

“Three times,” I answered. “And today was the first time I had gone to the session with him. But I’m not gonna stop seeing him, Max. He needs a friend and I promised that I would be that for him.”

“I know you mean well, but you have to think about Ash and how all of this will make him feel. I’m sure if the roles were reversed you wouldn’t be gung ho about him being the friendly support for one of his ex-bimbos.” He leaned forward and grabbed my hands again. “Look, I understand that you feel you have to save him, that you feel like this is at least partially your fault, but don’t ruin things with Ash over this. I’m telling you that as a friend. Talk to Ash, see what he says… shit, maybe he’s secure enough in y’all’s relationship that he’ll be okay with it. Just be prepared for an unpleasant reaction, okay sweetheart?”

I shook my head yes. I knew what he said was true, he wasn’t trying to sugar coat any of it. I also knew that I wasn’t going to let Mason down; I had to figure out a way to make everyone happy. “Thanks, Max. I’ll tell him when I see him this weekend.” We left the café together and went back to the apartment, never discussing the situation again.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Two days later, I went to visit Mase again and was pleased to find that the same progressive energy that I had felt when I left on Tuesday afternoon was still flowing freely between us. He was prepared for my arrival this time, it appeared he even styled his now shaggy hair and (gasp) put on socks. I teased him about it and got a kick out of the blush that covered his face.