Ever the Same (3 page)

“Oh. Compare.” He could hear the serious look on her baby face. God, he missed seeing her smile, watching her lips purse when she did something new.

For the thousandth time this week, Dixon gave thanks that Randi had been at the babysitter’s, that it had been them alone in the car. Ron had been killed instantly, and he was grateful for that.

“Daddy, stop pouring.”

He pulled back. “Did I make it?”

“You did good.” She mopped up his spill so quietly, but he still heard it.

“Okay. Cookies. Milk. Let’s sit and dunk.”

“Yay!” She tugged out the stools and they sat, carefully dunking cookies in milk.

She didn’t chatter much, and he sort of lost track of time, sitting there, daydreaming. He lost a cookie once and had to drink chunky milk by the end.
Yuck
. Now he remembered why he didn’t dunk cookies.

Still, Randi seemed happy, and she was more than willing to sit and watch cartoons while he sat on the sofa and tried not to freak out about everything.

When he heard Dalton come home, he was truly grateful for the distraction.

“Hey, Bro. Hey, monkey girl!”

Randi squealed as she disappeared off the sofa. “Uncle D! Uncle D!”

Letting them act like it had been days since they’d seen each other, he leaned back on the couch and closed his eyes.

I miss you, Ron. What am I gonna do now?

How was he going to raise a little girl when he couldn’t shave himself? He’d never been one for self-pity, but he was just damned scared.

“Quit fretting big brother. I’m home to….”

“To what?” He swore, if Dalton said take care of him—

“Help out.” Dalton clapped him on the shoulder, making him jump. “Dad texted. He’s stuck in Royse City picking up llamas. He’ll be home closer to five.”

Dixon rolled his eyes. “Dad can text?”

“Maybe the llamas did!” Randi said. “Uncle D and I can make supper.”

More hot dogs. Yay.
“I thought Gran was making fried chicken.”

“Oh gag.” Dalton wasn’t helping.

“Right. Gag.”

Randi made retching noises, and Dixon swatted at his brother, connecting with one leg, fingers catching in the holey denim strings. “You’re not helping,
Uncle D
.”

“I want pizza, man. Let’s go grab a couple at the Pizza Hut and bring them back.”

Dixon chuckled at his baby brother. “You spend all your money on pizza.”

“Nah, I spent all
my
cash on girls. I spend all
your
money on pizza.”

“No shit. You call Mom and tell her to eighty-six the chicken, and I’ll go with you.”

“Daddy, you said a bad word.”

“Uh-huh. I know lots.” He could outcurse Dalton, had, in fact, the second night he’d spent in his folks’ house. It had been fucking amazing.

“Come on, guys. I’ll call the parental units and tell them to have dinner out like grownups.”

Dixon tilted his head. “No date tonight?”

“Nah. Not tonight. Me and Joanna, we went after it, so I’m just letting it go for a couple days.”

“Ouch.” The vagaries of seventeen. “Just promise you’ll drive us slow and safe.” Dixon got a little white-knuckled in the car.

“Dude. Don’t be a pussy.”

“Daddy, what’s a pussy?”

“A cat.” Their mom came in, and he heard her whap Dalton on the head. “I can drive if you need me to. Where are we going?”

“Why would Daddy be a cat?”

“Mom! I can drive!”

“Gran!”

“You can not. Not with your brother!”

Randi started to cry. “Uncle D promised pizza!”

Dixon dropped his face in his hands.
Dear Ron. You left me here. You totally suck. Love you so much. Me.

Chapter 3

“Hey, buddy.”
Audie approached Grainger like a rodeo bullfighter coming at the back end of a bull. With extreme caution. “Have you made your list for your birthday party?”

“Uh-huh. Me and Bobby and Mike and Clayton. I want to go to the Chuck E. Cheese.”

Oh God, he hated Chuck E. Cheese. “No girls?”

“Nope. No girls. Just the boys.”

“Well, we got a problem, then, buddy.” He hated to do this too. Making his kid invite someone to his birthday party sucked, but it had to be done.

“What?” That little forehead crunched up.

“You know how we went to school and talked to the counselor lady?”

Grainger’s eyes rolled like dice. “Uh-huh.”

“Well, you know how she said you needed some more people to get to know.” He felt like such an asshole, but they were calling him in, saying Grainger needed social skills, that the older boys found him an easy target. Better to fix it now.

“Uh-huh.” He hated that look of distrust.

“Don’t be mad, bud. We’re inviting your cousin Sara and a couple of new kids from school. That boy who just moved in last week, and Randi White.” He rushed the last, feeling like he was the one turning six.

His son looked at him like he’d just killed the boy’s puppy. “Daddy, no. No, this ain’t your party. It’s mine.”

“I know that.” He spread his hands. “I used to have to have all three of my sisters at my parties.”

“I don’t have sisters.”

Audie fought his teeth, which tried to grind. “I know that, kiddo. That’s one reason you need to hang out with some girls.”

Grainger took his list and tore it up, then threw it in the trash, the action purely familiar. Grainger was his daddy’s son, bone deep, not an ounce of Marina in him. “You tell whoever. I ain’t having a party. I’ll just go on the road with PopPop.”

“Hey, come on, now. It’ll be Chuck E. Cheese. You’ll be so busy you won’t even know they’re there.”

Grainger gave him this look, like he was the biggest disappointment on earth. “Can I go outside?”

“Sure.” That had gone better than he expected, though.

Grainger headed out like a storm cloud, the screen door slamming hard. Then he heard the sound of Grainger’s little bicycle on the gravel, the training wheels rattling.

“Well, that went good.”

Audie glared at his mom when she walked into the room. “Yeah. Now I’m a demon.”

“He needs to make friends, Son.”

“He has friends he wanted to invite.” God, this sucked. Grainger wasn’t a serial killer in training, for fuck’s sake.

“So let him invite them. He needs to branch out, Audie, and Sara will need another girl there to play with.”

“I will. This whole thing is bullshit. It’s his goddamn birthday party.”

“Don’t you swear at Momma.” His sister Grace walked into the kitchen, and Audie rolled his eyes. Now they were ganging up on him again.

“Fuck you, Sister.” Oh, that felt good.

She grinned at him, her blue eyes twinkling with mischief. “You don’t like boobies so much, Potty-mouth.”

“What can I say. You girls scared me off early.”

“That’s enough.” Momma didn’t sound pleased. “You two are nasty.”

“No, you mean I am, because I’m queer. God knows we need to make sure Grainger starts hanging out with girls now so he don’t turn out that way too.” Audie grabbed his hat from the hook by the back door. “Y’all let me know how much the party will cost. I’ll leave the rest to you.”

“Audie Murphy Barrack!”

He ignored her and stormed out onto the front porch, where Grainger was doggedly practicing his bicycle. He had to have fallen at least a couple of times, because there was a skinned up knee and palm and tears, but his boy never looked at him.

His little cowboy.

Fuck, Audie was proud of him.

“You want to help me feed, buddy?” He knew Grainger might just ignore him, but horses were often a bridge for them.

Grainger looked at him, still unhappy. “Can I pet Ginger’s new foal?”

“You know it. She needs to be handled.”

“’Kay.” Grainger came to him, took his hand.

He breathed a sigh of relief. This wasn’t over, he knew, but the promise of baby horse was too much for Grainger to resist. The thing about having a kid just like him was that he knew how to get Grainger out of the dumps pretty quick.

They headed into the barn together, the horses starting to stamp and whinny in greeting.

“They always know, huh?”

“Uh-huh. You like horses better than cows, Daddy?”

“I do. Cows are easier, but horses are smart and you can ride ’em. What do you like?”

“I like horses. Cows just moo and poop.”

“They taste good, though.” Cows kept them in pennies too. Well, that and horse training, which paid better, really.

“Uh-huh. Did you know there are folks don’t eat no meat?”

“I did. What do you think about that?” His favorite question for Grainger, Audie must ask it ten times a day.

“I think you gotta have hamburgers.”

“Good deal.” He ruffled Grainger’s hair.

“I ain’t crazy, you know, even though I don’t got a momma.”

“I never said you were.” Grainger had a mom, she just didn’t give a shit. Marina wasn’t a bad woman, but she couldn’t cope with having a gay boyfriend
and
a kid.

“That’s what that lady at school is for, though. Crazy people.”

“No, she’s not. Who told you that?” Guidance counselors weren’t Audie’s favorite people, but they weren’t therapists, either.

“Everybody knows it. That girl, Randi, she has to go to her
and
another one after school, that’s how crazy she is.”

“She’s not crazy, bud. She’s mad and sad because someone she loved died.” The big advantage of having a ranch was that Grainger had seen a lot of death already, and Audie didn’t have to mince words.

“Yeah. That’s sad. She has his picture in her backpack.”

Ouch. Poor kid.
He couldn’t imagine leaving Grainger behind. He had to tease. “You mean you don’t have one of me?”

“Ew. No. I got a picture of George Strait.”

“I like old George.” They could both sing all of the man’s songs.

“Is he old as you, Daddy?”

“He’s older than PopPop, kiddo.”

“Uh-uh. Nobody’s older than PopPop.”

“Oh yes. Mr. Dillmon down to the feed store? He’s old enough to be PopPop’s daddy.”

Grainger’s eyes went wide. “For real?”

“Seriously.” He handed Grainger the hose. “Water everyone, and be careful, huh?”

“Yes, sir.” The little face screwed up, so serious, so determined to do things right.

He did love that boy. Grainger was the single best thing that had ever happened to him.
Please God, don’t let me screw this up. Not now. Not ever. He’s my reason.

Audie set to work, half an eye on Grainger, the rest of his attention on not getting bit or kicked.

Grainger was careful, steady, so worried about messing up. Audie had been that way. Hell, he still was, wasn’t he? He was celibate as a monk just so no one would bother Grainger about him.

He hadn’t been, once upon a time. Hell, him and Marina and Tim had been going hot and heavy, the three of them. Stupid, but Lord it had been fun. She’d had the paternity test on her own; he hadn’t had to ask. Now they were both gone, left town like it was on fire.

“Daddy, I’ve filled all the water.”

“Good deal. I need to put out a little more feed. You want to peek in on that foal?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Leave the stall door closed, okay?”

“Okay. Can I go in with you when you come?”

“When I get to that stall, bud.”

He heard Grainger talking to the foal, jabbering away. He grimaced when Grainger told the little foal about his birthday party.

That was going to be a giant pain in the ass. Huge. He’d already started to dread the whole damned day. He glanced at Sunny, the mare who liked to take a bite out of everyone. “This is gonna suck.”

Her head bobbed, up and down, like she understood him. More like she was about to take a chunk out of his ass.

“Don’t. No fucking biting, you evil nag.”

“Daddy, if you say the ‘F’ word, you have to give Granny money.”

“Only if you tell on me.”

“Will you let me not invite those people to my party?”

“Nope.” Audie wouldn’t be blackmailed by an almost six-year-old.

“Then I still don’t want a party, ’cause it’s not fair.”

Audie opened his mouth and his mother popped out. “Life’s not fair, buddy. You can still have a good time.”

“I won’t go, then. Parties suck.”

“Hey. I thought you wanted Chuck E. Cheese.” He was going to lose his shit.

“I did.” Grainger headed out of the barn, face gone all thunderclouds.

Damn it.
He should have left well enough alone. His mom would make Grainger go, and it would be a disaster.

He knew that much. Once his stubborn boy set his mind to something, it was going to happen.

Chapter 4