Ever the Same (4 page)

Dixon sat.
He was really good at it. He sat at the house. He sat on the porch. He sat in the car. Today he was sitting on the edge of his bed pondering absolutely nothing at all.

Christ, he was bored.

He couldn’t even go sit at Starbucks unless someone drove him, and then he had to worry about what he’d do if he had to take a piss. Of course, he’d get to sit down.

Humiliations galore.

His phone rang and he answered, fumbling a little with the slide. “’lo?”

“Hey, man. How’s it hanging?”

Daniel. There were two sets of brothers—thirty-four and thirty-two and then twenty and seventeen. The two at the top looked like Daddy, strawberry blond and freckled, while the bottom two were shiny blackbirds. Christ. Dan was stationed overseas, and Lord knew Dixon missed him like a lost tooth.

“I’m trying.”

“Trying to what?” Dan laughed, the sound like a braying jackass.

“Fucker. Shit, I’m trying to do anything. Anything at all.”

“Well, what’s your deal, Bro? It’s not like you can’t still play the guitar.” Dan was so black and white, so linear.

“Right. Because there are so many fucking opportunities here. I’m rolling in it.”

“Shut up.” Dan stopped laughing. “Serious, how’s it going?”

“I don’t know what to do, man. I’m fucking useless, and, shit, this is hell on earth.”

“That bad, huh? I’m sorry. I wish I could be there to help.” Dan had gotten compassionate leave just after the accident, but was back at work days later.

“I don’t want you seeing me like this either.” He just had to hold on for Randi.

“Why? Because you can’t see me making faces?” Dan paused, clearing his throat. “I would do anything for you, Bro. You know that.”

“I know. Tell me things—I don’t care what. Real things about life.”

“Shit, you know I can only say so much about over here.” Dan chuckled. “You want real life, call Damon.”

“Uh-huh. Damon. Mr. Kegger and Ride-My-Mustache-Baby. That kid’s a fucking beast.” Still, he laughed, didn’t he?

“He’s got more of a life than you or me.” Dan chuckled. “How’s Randi?”

“Pissed off. Fighting at school. Sort of terribly like me, which whoa, but then she’s amazing. She’s smart and wickedly funny, and she learned how to roller skate already.”

“Yeah? She had a chance to go riding or anything? Don’t girls like horses?”

“Yeah, well, shit. I’ll just take her out today. You do know Mom hates horses, right?”

“Oh. Right.”

“Yeah. I don’t think you can ride llamas.” He set his teeth together, shook his head. “What am I going to do, Bubba?”

“Learn how to be blind.” Dan sighed. “You’d never let us give up.”

“I want to. I won’t, but I want to.”

“I get it. I mean, I see a lot of guys get torn up here.”

“I fucking miss you, man.” Dan was his closest friend.

“I miss you too. I’m ready 0074o be Stateside.”

“I bet. You doing okay?”

“Tired, mainly. We don’t sleep a lot.”

“Yeah, goddamn you, being a hero. Is there anything I can do? Send?”

“Nah. I mean, if you want to send mail, go for it. Send something I can share with the guys.”

“So, no porn?” He had to tease, but two of four were queer as three-dollar bills, and it wasn’t the younger two.

“Fuck off, man.”

“I can’t even do that, okay?”

“Bite me. You can jack off in private.” Dan grumbled the words, teasing.

“Yeah, except, whoa. Five-year-old in bed with me nine times out of ten with nightmares.”

“Thank God she wasn’t in that car. I got to go, man. I love you.”

“Love you. Call anytime. Be safe.”

“I’ll try.”

They hung up, and he sighed, head down.
Please, Bubba. Be safe.
Their family couldn’t take any more tragedy.

“Everything okay, Son?” Daddy stopped by the door.

“Fine. Just… Dan says hi.”

“Good. Good, you want to come outside?”

“Yeah. I could use some sun.” He hated just waiting for something to happen.

“Okay. Come on.”

He stood and Daddy put his hand on one arm.

“Can you play for me? While I’m working, I mean. I miss it, listening to you.”

It wasn’t true, he knew it wasn’t, but it was the best kind of lie, because it was based in the truth. Daddy was a fair picker himself, but he only played red dirt stuff. Dixon loved the blues, R & B. Hell, he turned his nose up at the twangier side of music, but he wouldn’t say. “You should pick with me.”

“After I feed and water, I will.”

“Good deal.” He could do a little now, though, and it made him smile, Daddy giving him a job.

“Grab your guitar, then.”

“Yes, sir.” Three steps to the left, two forward. Flat on the top of the dresser. He made it there and back to the door without clobbering himself or the guitar, and Daddy took his arm from there.

“It’s going to get better.”

He tightened his lips against the words that wanted out. It wasn’t. It wasn’t ever going to be better. The best he had was what he had.

Daddy was being kind, though, so he kept his mouth shut.

They headed out, and he could feel the sunshine on his face, the heat. Hell, the world lightened from black to deep gray. He hated the strain, the way his eyes worked wildly to find an outline, a shape.

God, he was tired.

“Watch the ditch here.”

“Thanks.” They got out to the shed, and Daddy put him on a stool. Like a trained hurdy-gurdy monkey.

“Stop it.”

“What?” He didn’t follow.

“You’re blind. It sucks. You can do this.”

“I know I can. I will, for Randi. Doesn’t mean I can’t be down.” He wasn’t chipper. Sue him.

“No, it doesn’t. Hell, be pissed, I don’t mind. Just know that you don’t get to give up.”

“Will everyone quit saying that!” He needed to mourn, both for him and for Ron.

“Nope.” Daddy gave him a little shake. “You chose to have that little girl. You don’t get all the options now. Suck it up.”

“Jesus fucking Christ! I’m trying! What the fuck do you want from me?” Fuck him. He was so fucking tired, so scared, so goddamned lost and hurting, and no one gave a shit. “I lost him, goddamn it! He was my one and only, and the last thing I remember seeing was his dead body. Don’t you understand that? I fucking need him back!”

“Oh, Son, I wish I could do that for you.” Daddy pulled him close and held on. “I can’t, though.”

Dixon lost his shit, just lost it, screaming and sobbing, and it didn’t help. It didn’t matter because the pain inside was just too big. It was too big to hold on to, though, too big to bite off in more than the tiniest bitter pills, and it passed and left him headachy and raw.

When he could breathe again, Daddy held him, murmuring nonsense, the scent of manure and patchouli right there.

“Sorry.”

“Don’t be. If you can’t trust your old man, who can you trust?”

“Nobody, I guess.” Dixon unclenched his hands and smoothed his dad’s shirt. “I dropped the guitar.”

“It was in the case. It’s fine.”

“Oh. Good.” He sniffed, trying not to feel like a snotty five-year-old.

“Have my kerchief.”

“Is it clean?” He had to tease. Had to.

“Oh, you little shit.” Daddy chuckled for him. “Have a sit. I want to hear ‘Blowing in the Wind’ first.”

“Yes, sir.” He mopped up and tucked the kerchief away to put in the wash. He popped the case open, the smooth curves of his guitar one of the good things left in life. It didn’t take much to get her in tune and start playing.

Daddy hummed along, the sound solid and pleased and just family.

He could close his eyes and he wasn’t blind; he was just Dixon White, picking and happy.

That had to be enough for everyone right now. Including him.

It had to be.

Chapter 5

“So.” Audie
stepped up next to his mom, who was staring at Grainger, sitting in splendid solitude at the table inside Chuck E Cheese, his birthday hat on, his face stony. “Is this what you wanted?”

“He’s being a spoiled brat. Honestly, he’s so stubborn. Every other kid in here is having a ball.”

“Momma. He’s not spoiled, and you know it. Stubborn, yes.” Grainger had been polite to the guests. Had opened his gifts and thanked everyone. He simply refused to budge out of his seat or speak unless spoken to.

He wouldn’t eat his pizza. He didn’t smile. He didn’t touch his cake. He wore the stupid birthday boy hat and sat.

“He needs his butt popped.” Momma was embarrassed more than angry, he knew, but she’d gotten what she wanted. His niece Sara had a new fast friend in Randi, the little girl Grainger had fought so hard with. The little boy who was the new kid in town was playing video games with Grainger’s friend William.

The only unhappy one was Grainger.

“No spankings.” Audie gave her a stern look. “I’ll talk to him.”

“Fine. Just what I need, another stubborn one like your father.”

“Hey, you kept telling me I’d have a kid just like me.”

“Yes, well….” Her face eased, though, and he got a wink.

He kissed her cheek, then left her to her fretting so he could go squat down next to Grainger. “Hey, bud. Wanna take off that hat?”

“Yes, sir.” Grainger took the hat off, immediately, crushing it.

“That’s better, huh?” He couldn’t let Grainger know how guilty he felt. “Cake is good.”

Grainger looked at him, then looked down without a word.

Christ.

Audie glanced around, noting the little girl’s dad sitting there, a few chairs down, hands clenched in his lap. He looked about as tickled as Grainger.

Okay. Okay, he had to go say something to the guy. Had to. He wasn’t an asshole.

“Mr. White, did you get a piece of cake?” Great. Trite.

“No, but that’s okay. The kids need it.”

“Oh, you have no idea how much cake there is.” He looked pointedly at Grainger. Who harrumphed, kicking the chair.

“Yeah. I, uh, guess he’s unhappy?”

“Yes. He’s being a butthead.”

“I hope that it was okay that Randi came. She’s been… well, she’s not with me, and she’s not crying.”

“She and little Sara are having a ball. Sara is pretty new to town too, and her dad is deployed overseas.” Grace’s husband was so ready to get his ass discharged.

“Ah. That’s cool. She used to love making friends.” The man’s eyes moved constantly, like he was searching for something. It was fucking unnerving.

“I’m sure she still does. It will just take some time.” Again, he was being trite. “I heard about your partner. I’m sorry.”

He got a surprised, almost shocked look. “Thank you. I appreciate it. I don’t think we ever actually got introduced. I’m Dixon.”

“I’m Audie.” He didn’t know if he should hold out his hand or what, so he just went on instinct and grabbed the man’s hand up off the table to shake it.

Dixon’s eyes went wide, and then a sharp laugh escaped him. “Pleased.”

Now, look at that. The man’s whole face lit up when he was smiling. The stress lines faded when Dixon smiled, and the man was damned attractive. Audie stared and reckoned he was glad Dixon couldn’t tell. “Is there anything I can get you, man?”

“Could you… can you tell me where my Coke is?”

“Sure.” Audie paused. “Is it easier to give you direction or just put your hand on it?” He didn’t want to fuck up.

“Can you hand it to me? I’m dying of thirst.”

“You got it.” He grabbed the glass and pressed it into Dixon’s hand. “There’s a straw, so don’t poke yourself.”

Dixon found the straw and drank deep, damn near draining the drink.

“Let me get you a piece of cake, man. I’ll grab you another Coke too.” He wanted to help, somehow.

“Thanks.” He guessed Randi was purely Dixon’s, with the same curly red hair, the quick grin. How did that work here? Could they both have been Randi’s legal dads?

He had a ton of questions on the tip of his tongue, but they would all be rude, so he got a slice of cake and another Coke and kept his trap shut.

Grainger just sat, still as anything, and little Sara and Randi came up to him, his baby cousin all eyes and dark braids. “Grainger, you ain’t used your tokens.”

“You can have them. Here.” He pushed them over to the girls.

Randi bit her lip. “You sure? I don’t… I don’t want to get in trouble, and they’re ’sposed to be yours.”

“I ain’t gonna use them.” Grainger shrugged, the motion abrupt, angry.

Audie hoped to hell he didn’t have to break up a fight today of all days.

She just backed off, though, eyes on her daddy. It didn’t surprise him a bit when she went to him, grabbed him.

“Having fun, Bumblebee?”

“Uh-huh. I winned a rubber chicken and a horse toy.”

“You won.”

“Uh-huh. I did.”

“Good deal. Do I get to meet your new friend?” Dixon asked.

“Sara? Sara, you want to say hi to my daddy?”

Sara stared with huge eyes and shook her head.

“Hi, Sara. Nice to meet you.” It would have been more convincing if Dixon hadn’t been staring right at some woman with gigantic breasts.

“Daddy, Sara’s little. Down here.”

“Sorry.” Dixon moved his face, but the eyes didn’t focus. Which made Sara even worse.