Evernight (The Night Watchmen Series Book 2) (20 page)

“This mission, breaking the Holy Seal, it will require everything you have. The Darkyns are applying pressure, and it’s only a matter of time until we have no choice but to send you out into the field. When that day comes, you must be at your full potential. We have to know you can protect yourself—keep yourself from being taken by them—because in the end, you’re our only hope against them.”

The pressure’s back, the hands around my throat squeezing again.

I close my eyes, searching for strength within me. Trying not to think about how unbelievably tired I am. “How do you know I’m your only hope?” I ask tightly. “Predications can be read wrong. They can be altered. My mother is proof of that. So what if what the Divine Cecilia saw isn’t what you’re hoping for? What if you’re putting all your chips on the wrong person?”

I fight to open my eyes and look at him, barely breathing.

He smiles softly, patiently. Rubs his chin before approaching my ambush of questions. “It’s really rather simple, Faye. We, as living beings, all need something to believe in. Otherwise, the weight of this world and all the things we don’t know, especially the future, would crush us.”

He takes in a long breath and tilts his head to the side, looking at me so kindly that I almost don’t believe him. I haven’t seen this patience… this kindness, in so long.

“You’re the Everlasting, that much we know for sure,” he continues, smiling at me. “Do not, for a second, underestimate yourself and what you’re capable of. You may think you’re a monster because of what you can do, but with proper training, I know you will rise above this. You’ll learn to control your ability to drain life, and inflict it on those who deserve it. It’s within yourself that you’ll find true strength. Within the trials and tribulations you’ve overcome.”

In his words, I feel like there’s so much I don’t know. So much that he does and I’ve only just begun to see. He’s right about the future. It’s large, infinite, and it’s so hard to think about, kind of like space. It’s hard to see myself in control and not as a monster, but in his eyes, there is faith, and I pull on it as if it were a rope pulling me out of a deep, vast ocean.

“So… what now?” I ask, biting the inside of my cheek.

He smiles brightly. “You’ll train as an Elite with one of our leading tactical generals, and wait for the go ahead from our other generals as to when we will move ahead with the mission.”

“Thank you,” Jaxen says, looking over at me, eyes searching mine.

He stands, and Jaxen follows, bowing his head in respect.

Seamus’ eyes find mine. “It’s your job to blend in—to become just another—because that will be the only way we can prove that you should not be feared by your own. Can you do that?”

I nod, trying not to think about my time at the Academy. The time when Mack said something similar, and I wasn’t able to keep my promise.

“Good,” he says. “I will be in touch as soon as I have taken care of the matter of Clara. It won’t be easy to brush this under the rug, but that is not for you to worry about,” he says with a sure smile. “Report to your classes starting tomorrow morning.”

“Thank you,” I breathe out, still waiting for the moment when truth slips out of the dark corner.

But that moment never comes.

Jaxen takes my hand and links his fingers through mine.

“Good day,” Seamus says, and then we leave.

I
’M GOING TO HURL.

I’m that sickeningly tired. My mouth has this awful taste that won’t go away no matter how many times I swallow. Sort of like what I’d imagine death would taste like. Exhaustion constricts around my stomach, leaving me clenched so tight I can barely see straight.

I stop in place, press against my stomach, and reach out for something to steady me.

“What’s wrong?” Jaxen asks, covering the hand on my stomach with his.

I take in one steady breath, and the air alone makes me want to gag. I count to three.

“I think I’m going to be sick,” I rush out. Just speaking takes too much energy, so much that I feel lightheaded. I’m a perfect contradiction of hot and cold. A shivering, sweating mess. “I think-I think I need to lie down.”

The world begins to spin as my heart accelerates, despite standing perfectly still.

My eyes slam shut.

I grasp onto the sleeve of his jacket just as my knees give out from underneath me, but Jaxen moves with a speed I don’t think even light could keep up with. Before I ever even have the chance of slinking to the floor, his hands are under my legs and I’m hoisted up into the air, curled against his chest.

“I’ve got you.” His words are so tender, yet so full of strength. I’m sure they could fend off any ailment. They alone could make this sickness disappear. Vanish as if it never was. “Just relax. You pulled too much power.” He shifts until I’m settled in his arms as if I’m a part of his body. “I’m taking you back to my room so you can rest. It will pass with a little bit of sleep.”

“How do you know it will pass?” I ask, seeing no end to this agony in sight.

“Because this happened to me once.”

“When?”

We’re heading toward our living quarters, but I can’t see because I have my eyes squeezed shut. I know there are people watching as he carries me. I feel their energy just as clearly as I did inside those four metal walls. Only this time, it’s so much brighter. So much more intoxicating.

I should make him put me down, but I can’t bring myself to ask. Not even when the embarrassment takes over my cheeks like small, red flags signaling my internal emotions. I count the seconds, straining to hear Jaxen’s soundless steps. Anything to avoid thinking about being watched.

“When?” I ask again, just in case he didn’t hear me. He doesn’t answer me right away, and this makes me curious. “Jaxen?

His arms loosen a little in reluctance. “When I tried to go after you. After you entered the cave with Bael.” I hear murder in his hesitated words. Fear. Pain… so much pain.

I’m burning to ask how, but this is a topic I know he doesn’t like to touch on. Out of the few times I’ve asked him what happened after I went with Bael, he’s never answered once. And he’s always made it plainly clear he does not intend to talk about it.

So I don’t ask.

I hear doors slide open. We pass into our building and hope kicks in. I’m almost to his room. Almost to a bed. I nearly jump when he speaks again.

“We uh-we were being attacked by the Darkyns and demons Bael left behind to distract us. It felt like no matter how many I took out, they just kept coming. Kept reappearing. And every second I wasted killing them, was another second you were away from me, in the hands of Bael.” His voice is so low, filled with every moment of that day at Whiskey Hallow he has refused to talk about since.

I don’t dare say anything.

“The more they came, the angrier I got. I couldn’t see straight. All I could think about was killing them all and getting you back. I didn’t know what was happening to you, and I think that was my breaking point.” He stops in front of the elevator that leads to our floor. “You remember the night of your first hunt? When I helped heal you?”

My eyes flick open. “Yes,” I breathe out.

“I was able to pull from your power to do that. Mack said it’s because of our affinity link. I-I thought I could do it again, so I tried.”

My eyes are wide now. “Wait—you pulled from other living beings? Like me?” The words tumble out in a tangled whisper.

“It was an overload of sensory. A warmth that was fast-addicting,” he says, pulling the words straight from my mouth. Straight from my memories. “I felt so full, yet I wanted more. I ended up taking out every Darkyn around me. Six total.”

I can’t believe my ears, not knowing if this scares me or excites me. I think a little of both, and the excitement alone wakes me up a little.

“I can’t believe this. You can do what I can do. I-I wonder if Jezi can too. This is insane. This is—”

“I couldn’t sustain it, Faye,” he says, ending my excitement. “My body couldn’t handle it. Not like you. By the time the sixth body dropped, I was on my knees, feeling like I was burning from the inside out. My volation faded in and out. I was weak. That’s when I was shot. Luckily, Jezi and Cassie used my power drain as a distraction. They were able to weave a spell to blend us in with the forest long enough to get us back to the road. Gavin carried me the whole way. With a gunshot in his arm.”

“I-I didn’t know,” I say softly as he steps into the elevator.

“It’s not something I’m proud of. I let my emotions get the better of me. They took over my rationality, and because of it, I could have gotten us all killed.”

I didn’t think my stomach could clench any tighter, but it does. His affection for me… our relationship… it hindered him, and he knows it. He’s aware of it. I bite the inside of my lip as a knot forms in my throat.

“Pu-put me down,” I say. I shift in his arms until he lets me go.

“I can carry you,” he offers.

I back up into the corner, using the wall for added support. “I can walk. I’m okay now,” I say, lying through my teeth. It’s bad enough that he sees his love for me as a weakness. I don’t need to add to that. I don’t want him to see me as weak and helpless. Someone he has to save.

The elevator opens, and we make our way back to his room. Every part of my body feels like it’s walked the edge of death. Every part feels like it’s on the verge of seizing up into a Charley Horse.

But there’s still so much blood on me.

He walks me into the shower and helps me scrub away the evidence with such carefulness that it nearly breaks my heart. When the water runs clear, he wraps a towel around me and grabs one of his shirts and a pair of shorts. I have to hold onto the countertop just to stay balanced enough to slide the bottoms on. After I pull them up and put the top on, I drift back into his room.

When my head hits his pillow, I’m almost too scared to close my eyes. I’m afraid that when I open them again, I’ll be back in that metal room and Jaxen will be nowhere to be found. But I do close them, because I need to assure myself that this is real, and when I open them again, he’s still there.

And he’s holding me so very close.

I feel every inch of his body next to mine, and my heart feels so heavy, so burdened with guilt. It’s sinking to the floor, leaving me cold and shameful, and a little more than embarrassed.

“I’m sorry,” I say. My words are like sandpaper scratching at the back of my throat.

He pulls me closer, tucking me into him, and settles his chin in the curve of my neck. The warmth of his breath and the subtle scratch from his stubble is a comfort I’ve taken for granted. A feeling I never want to wish away again.

I can’t believe I was going to push him away. I’m tripping over all these words that need to be said. I need to erase all the awful things I told him earlier… the things I knew would hurt him.

I swallow thickly. Squeeze my eyes shut when the piercing heat surfaces. “She threatened your life more times than I can count, Jaxen. I watched you die. Over and over and over again. I watched you die, and I didn’t know what to do. I was—I was so weak. So-so pathetic.”

His strong arms squeeze me tight. “You’re not pathetic, Faye.” He chuckles a little, and I find myself flinching in question.

“You’re laughing at me?”

“Not at you,” he says, his voice quieting. “It’s just… you remind me so much of myself it’s scary. Crazy scary. I can’t say I wouldn’t have done the same. Shut you out, I mean. I’ve never been good with sharing my burdens.”

“I wanted to tell you. So many times,” I confess. “I just—I couldn’t. I—”

He plants a small kiss against my neck. “You don’t have to explain,” he says softly, his words a soothing whisper in my ear. “I know. I get it.”

I roll into him, searching for his eyes, for the one place I know I’m truly safe. I feel like I’m being pressed to death by my lies. I need to lighten the load I’ve been carrying for so long, need to expel what happened so I can finally rest.

“I hated lying, Jaxen. I hate her so much. I’ve never felt this before… never felt this much burning hatred inside of me. I could have killed her. If they hadn’t stopped me, I would have, and I wouldn’t have thought twice about it. That scares me because I don’t know that I can control it the way Seamus says I can. But what scares me more is that the Coven wants to use it. They want me to become a weapon, and I’m scared I’m going to lose myself in the process.”