Every Day a Friday: How to Be Happier 7 Days a Week (25 page)

Remember Romans 8:28: “All things work together for good to those who love God” (
NKJV
). The key word is
together
. A difficulty on its own may not make sense, but when it all comes together one day, it will make sense.

Nothing in life is wasted. God will use even your ten minutes of turbulence to your advantage. You’ve heard the saying “Bad things happen to good people.” That is true. But it’s also true that good people overcome bad things and come out better off than they were before. God will turn your test into a testimony. Your unexpected troubles are a sure sign that God has something amazing planned in your future. Remember, our God has unexpected favor, unexpected breakthroughs, and unexpected promotion!

A
couple moved into a new neighborhood, and one morning while they were eating breakfast the wife looked out the window and saw her neighbor hanging wash on the line to dry. She noticed the wash was dingy and dirty. She said to her husband, “That neighbor lady doesn’t know how to wash. Her clothes aren’t clean. I wonder if she’s even using any detergent.”

Day after day went by and she would make the same comments: “I can’t believe the neighbor doesn’t know how to wash. I can’t believe they wear those dingy-looking clothes.”

A few weeks later the woman looked out the window and the clothes were as clean and bright as could be. She was so surprised. She called her husband in and said, “Look, honey, I can’t believe it. She finally learned how to wash. I wonder what happened.”

The husband smiled and said, “Honey, I got up early this morning and cleaned our window.”

How dirty the neighbor’s clothes appear depends on how clean your window is. The Scripture says, “To the pure, all things are pure” (Titus 1:15
NIV
). If you can’t see anything in a positive light, if you drive up and down the freeway and see only the potholes, if you see only the scratch in the floor and never the amazing house, if you see only what your boss does wrong and never what he does right, then my advice is to clean your window.

The problem is not with everyone else; you have an internal problem.
It’s like the man who had an accident driving to work. He got out and said, “Lady, why don’t you learn how to drive? You’re the fourth person who has hit me today.”

At some point look in the mirror and say, “Maybe I’m the one who needs to change. If I’m always critical, maybe I’ve developed a habit of seeing the bad rather than seeing the good. If I’m always skeptical, maybe I’ve trained myself to be cynical and sarcastic rather than believing the best. If I’m always finding fault, maybe my filter is dirty. Maybe I’ve become judgmental and condemning instead of giving people the benefit of the doubt.”

This is especially important in relationships. You can train yourself to see people’s strengths or you can train yourself to see their weaknesses. You can focus on the things you like about your spouse and magnify the good qualities, or you can focus on the things you don’t like and magnify the less-desirable characteristics that annoy you.

This is why some relationships are in such trouble. People have developed a habit of being critical. They can’t see anything good. I heard about a man who asked his wife to make him two eggs, one fried and one scrambled. She made them and put them on a plate. When he saw the meal, he shook his head.

“What did I do wrong now?” she asked. “That’s exactly what you asked for.”

“I knew this would happen,” he said. “You fried the wrong egg.”

Some people have become so critical-minded that no matter what is done for them, it’s not right. They never see the good their spouses are doing. They’ve forgotten the reasons they fell in love. It’s because they’re magnifying the wrong things.

If you struggle in this area, make a list of the qualities you like about your spouse. Write down the good things your spouse does. He may not be a great communicator, but he’s a hard worker. Write it down. She may have some weaknesses, but she’s a great mother. She’s smart. She’s fun. Put that on your list and go over it every day.

Start focusing on those good qualities. Your entire outlook is poisoned when you operate out of a critical spirit. You won’t communicate properly. You won’t want to do things together. It will affect you in every area. You
have to make a shift. Start appreciating that person’s strengths and learn to downplay the weaknesses.

Everyone has faults and habits that can get on your nerves. The key is to recognize what you are magnifying. You are magnifying the wrong thing when you let the critical spirit take over. That’s when you’ll start complaining that the wrong egg was fried. There are relationships today where two good people are married. They have great potential, but a critical spirit is driving them apart. When you are critical you start nagging: “You never take out the trash. You never talk to me. You’re always late.”

People respond to praise more than they respond to criticism. The next time you want your husband to mow the lawn, instead of nagging, “Why don’t you ever mow the lawn, you lazy thing?” say instead, “Did I ever tell you that when you mow the lawn you look really good out there, and when your muscles bulge out of your shirt and that sweat drips down your face you look so handsome and so attractive?”

You praise him like that, and he’ll mow the lawn every day! People respond to praise.

Here’s what I’ve learned: A critical spirit follows you everywhere you go. You can’t get away from it. You can leave one job bitter, angry, and upset, saying, “They didn’t treat me right.” But if you don’t deal with the root of the issue, you’ll have the same problem at the next job. Because your window is tainted, you’ll think everybody is against you and they can’t do anything right and your boss doesn’t know what he’s doing.

I grew up with a woman who has been critical as long as I’ve known her. Even as a teenager she complained about things at school that I didn’t even think about. I never knew I had it so bad until she told me. I heard just the other day (and this is thirty years since high school) that she just left another job upset, saying the people didn’t treat her right. The sad thing is, she will go through the rest of her life bitter and frustrated if she doesn’t clean that window.

She’s looking through a filter that’s been clouded by years and years of criticism and judgment. Parents, it’s important that we deal with these issues ourselves and break any critical, faultfinding spirit so we don’t pass it down to our children. That’s what happened with this young lady. I remember going over to her house when we were kids. Her parents were the same way. They were always critical about something; critical of the city, critical of their neighbors. The father was critical of his employer. The mother was always complaining about the place where she worked.

A critical spirit taints everything. What’s the solution? Number one, recognize when your window is dirty. Number two, just as you’ve developed a habit of seeing the worst, retrain yourself to see the good. Don’t go to work focused on all the things you don’t like about your employer. Focus on the fact that you have a job. Be grateful that you’re not unemployed.

Don’t drive up and down the freeway and see only the potholes and construction and traffic. Train yourself to see the things that are good. Be grateful that you have a freeway to drive on. Be grateful that you live in a place where there’s law and order and you don’t have to fear for your safety. Look out at the beautiful trees, look up at the sky. Breathe in the goodness of God.

When the temptation comes to be critical, catch yourself. You have to deal with negative thoughts one at a time. If you see something or someone you don’t understand or you don’t agree with, don’t be quick to judge. Don’t allow that critical spirit to come out.

Switch over and say, “You know, I may not understand them, and I may not agree, but I will not be a faultfinder. I’m giving this person the benefit of the doubt.”

A few months ago I met a young man with his girlfriend after a service. They had more piercings and tattoos than any two people I’ve ever seen. The man had tattoos up and down his arms, all over his neck, and even on his face. The young lady must have had a hundred piercings.

They definitely did not look like our usual visitors. When you see people whose appearance is out of the ordinary, that critical spirit tries to rise
up and make you think,
Why do they look like that? They must have some real issues.

But instead of seeing them through my critical eyes, I looked at them through God’s eyes. When I did that I had a different perspective. I was glad they felt comfortable coming to our church. I was glad they took time to honor God.

When I talked to them, I realized they weren’t anything like I’d expected. They were the kindest, most respectful people you could ever meet. On the outside you could find a thousand reasons to be judgmental or critical. A religious attitude wants to point out all the faults and ask:
Who do they think they are, and what’s their problem?

But what better place for them to be than in church? Come to find out, this young man was the leader of a very successful heavy-metal band. They’d had a big concert at the arena the night before. He looked to be about thirty years old. He said, “I’ve never been to church in my life. This is my first time to ever set foot in a place of worship.”

He gave me one of his CDs and told me to listen to track seven.

“That’s a song I wrote from listening to you,” he said.

Don’t judge people by their outside appearance. When you’re tempted to be critical and find fault, remember that the enemy is called “the accuser of our brethren” (Revelation 12:10
NKJV
). Recognize the source of your criticism. That’s who’s giving you the desire. I don’t know about you, but I’m not getting on the side of the accuser; I’m staying on God’s side. I’m believing the best.

There may be a thousand things wrong, but I will search until I find the one thing that’s right. I’ve been forgiven much, so I try to love even more. If I err, I’m not erring on the side of judgment; I’m erring on the side of mercy.

I’ve learned that somebody may look rough on the outside, but you can’t judge a book by its cover. Give people the benefit of the doubt. After all, if it were not for the mercy of God, how do you know you wouldn’t be just like that person?

If I hadn’t been brought up in church by good parents, who knows where I would be? I’m not judging. I’m not finding fault. I’m keeping the Windex handy. I’m keeping my window clean.

But people today are quick to criticize, quick to condemn, quick to judge. If somebody is not just like them, if they’re a little different, some don’t understand. Instead of giving a person the benefit of the doubt, instead of believing the best, they look him or her up and down and pick out all the faults they can find.

I would never dress like that. I don’t know why they drive that kind of car. If I were them, I wouldn’t take a vacation in this economy. If I were them, I wouldn’t send my kids to that school. If I were her, I wouldn’t wear that much jewelry.

A visitor told me last week that his pastor had taken six weeks off to go on an around-the-world cruise. He just couldn’t understand that. He was complaining and going on and on, telling me how that just wasn’t right. The whole time he complained I was thinking the reason his pastor went on the cruise was to get away from people like him.

How someone spends money, what they drive, how they raise their children, where they go on vacation, what neighborhood they live in—that is all none of my business.

I don’t know about you, but I have a hard enough time trying to run my own life without trying to run somebody else’s. One of the best ways I can keep my windows clean is to mind my own business. If a neighbor takes four vacations a year, it’s none of my business. If a friend wears a ring on every finger and two on every toe, it’s none of my business. If a Lakewood member drives around in a limousine or comes to church in a boat, it’s none of my business.

Don’t be nosey. Nosey people are critical people. They want to know all the details and all the latest scoops, not so they can pray about it, not so they can help the person, but because they know there might be something in there that’s juicy. It will feed their judgmental nature.

They’ll go to work and say, “Did you hear what I heard? Did you hear what they said? Did you hear the latest?”

Your answer should be, “No, and I don’t want to hear. I don’t want to be poisoned. My ears are not trash cans to fill with garbage.”

Don’t sit there and be passive; a gossip
wants
to tell you something bad about another person. “I couldn’t help it. They wanted to tell me,” the gossip says.

Before they tell you anything bad, just say, “You know what? I just remembered I have an important appointment to go to.”