Every Day is Like Doomsday (19 page)

“Please take your positions. Class is about to start,”
said the teacher and all around him the students laid
down on their mats. He followed suit but he couldn’t rest.
Instead he spent the hour replaying the scene with Innya
and their almost kiss, except in his fantasies Brain never
interrupted them. And after he had taken her back to her
room and ravished her completely they would go to see
his father and his father would be so happy that he was
alive that he would advocate for Elliot’s release from the
VA. And after graduation from the Norm school, he and
Innya would get married and move to Italy so that she
could start her life in super Villainy.

Elliot was bored. Innya didn’t reappear after meditation hour or show up in the cafeteria for dinner. And
he had to admit that without her he didn’t know what to
do with himself. His room felt small and Vlad’s side was
kind of stinky, which considering there was no partition
between their two sides, made Elliot’s side kind of stinky,
too. So he decided to leave.

The VA campus was full of activity despite the fact
that it was so cold that the chill seeped into his bones even
through his coats, his jacket, his long-sleeved T-shirt and
thermal. From somewhere on campus the sick-sounding
creak of warping metal echoed off of the buildings. It
could only mean that Lester had gotten out of his muzzle
and was devouring yet another poor, unsuspecting mailbox. They really should make those things a little tougher,
he thought.

As he passed by the Use What You Have Available
warehouse he heard the crash of things breaking followed
by screams of delight. There were several people inside
practicing with the junk but Elliot couldn’t make out any
of the voices.

Twice Elliot passed small groups of students who
called out, “Hey Zombie!” as they passed. He waved a
half-hearted acknowledgement to the first group but
then he thought that such an acknowledgement was not
in character so when it happened again he just glowered.

Eventually he made it to the opening in the fence
but he was not the only one intending to go out that night
He slipped into the shadows of the trees and watched
several other students, some in groups but most alone, all
heading towards town.

Elliot meandered along, not really sure where he
was going until he arrived at the small park in the middle
of the town. Instead of entering the park he went across
the street to City Hall and sat down on the steps of the
boring, concrete block building.

What am I doing, he asked himself ? I shouldn’t be
out here by myself, away from the protection of Innya and
the school, dressed the way I am. What if someone takes
me for an actual Villain and challenges me to a duel? And
then he told himself to shut up, it’s not the 12th century
or whenever dueling was a big deal, so that was the least
of his problems.

He was trying to remember his history classes
when he thought he saw one of the Villains who got him
into this mess walk out of a bar across the street. It was
Billy, he was sure of it. Billy was too big and bulky and
lumbered in too specific a way to be mistaken for anyone
else. Plus, his coat was open as if he didn’t mind the cold
and beneath it he was wearing a red T-shirt that said in
large, white letters, “Billy.” Supposedly he and Greg had
already been shipped to Antarctica so his appearance in
town was highly suspect.

Elliot started to follow Billy down the street but
he had only gotten a few feet when the door to the bar
opened again and Craig walked out, followed by a stunning brunette in a long, black trench coat and high heeled
boots that were not weather-appropriate and several
burly-looking men in dark suits.The men walked together
and appeared to be in deep conversation but the woman
kept her eyes up and seemed to be scanning the area for
something. She glanced in his direction and Elliot froze.
He was standing on the steps, right out in the open.There
was nowhere to hide. She saw him. And then she smiled
the sort of enigmatic smile that Innya sometimes gave
him and Elliot recognized her. It was the woman he had
seen with his father at his old house.

She looked away from him and turned her attention back to the group of men surrounding her. What’s
my dad’s girlfriend doing with Craig, Elliot wondered?
What’s Craig doing with Billy? Then, does my dad know?
Would this break his heart? Does his heart deserve to be
broken? Unable to answer any of these questions, he set
out after the group, hoping to uncover a clue as to what
they could be up to.

A moment later he stopped. Who cared where
Craig was going? And if Senator Vane’s girlfriend was
cheating on him with a red-headed slime ball then what
business of it was Elliot’s? All he cared about was that his
father was not with them, which meant that if a call to his
dad was ever going to get through then now would be the
time. He tore off his glove and took his phone from his
pocket. He dialed his father’s cell number with shaking
fingers. It rang once and Elliot held his breath.
Someone answered. Elliot was about to say something when the phone was snatched out of his hand. He
whipped around to see Innya, the phone pressed to her
ear. In the cold, clear air the voice on the other end of the
line traveled and Elliot heard everything.

“Really, little girl? A call from a dead boy’s phone?
Am I supposed to be frightened?” mocked Craig.
Innya was unflappable. “So you believe me, then?”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“And the senator?”
“The senator doesn’t care.”
And then Craig hung up. Innya handed Elliot’s
phone back to him and asked, “So, you miss me?” in a
little girl voice that was altogether disturbing.
“Why did you do that?” he demanded through
clenched teeth.
“Does it matter? You dad didn’t answer, Craig did.
And how’d he do that, anyway?”
Elliot stared at his phone and resisted the urge to
chuck it out into the street. He wanted to hit something.
No, he told himself, he wanted to hit Craig. “I don’t know.
He’s just always there. Maybe my dad gave him his cell
phone after I stole Craig’s.”
“You stole Craig’s phone?”asked Innya.She laughed
as if the idea was completely preposterous. “When did
this happen?”
“When I snuck out that first night. I stole it when
he threatened to call the cops on me.”
“A minor bad deed but it still counts toward the
whole.”
“I didn’t mean to do it. It was instinct.”
“Instinct is a good thing. Especially here. Did you
try to call your dad using Craig’s phone?”
“Yeah but it doesn’t work. The battery’s dead or
something.”
“We can charge it. Geez, do I have to think of
everything?”
“Oh,” said Elliot. He had thought about charging
it but never followed through what with everything that
had happened since then. “I bet Craig would still answer
my call. I always assumed he answered because he was
always around but after tonight I don’t know. Now what
am I supposed to do?”
“Give me Craig’s phone. And also, stop trying to
contact your dad.”
“Why?” Elliot asked, the anger building once more.
It seemed as if every time he saw a window of opportunity it was slammed in his face. His continued failure
to do anything properly in his own defense was more
frustrating than anything he had ever experienced. Once
again he felt the urge to punch something.
“Because he probably thinks you’re dead and you’re
not Villain enough to play at being a spy. And for all we
know Craig could be the one who has taken out a hit
on you. So, me and the Dean are right, you need to be
careful until we find out who wants you dead. Do you
understand?”
“It’s ‘the Dean and I’,” Elliot offered, looking for
any way to gain the upper hand in a conversation that was
slowly descending into self-pity and melancholy.
“Since when are you the grammar police?”
“Why are you such a bitch? I’m dealing with a lot
here. I’m fucking dead for crying out loud! Cut me some
slack!” he screamed. And it felt good.
Innya smiled. “That’s more like it.”
“’Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to
anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering,’”Elliot
muttered, though why the words chose that moment to
pop into his head was beyond him.
“I’d say anger leads to the dark side, where live all of
the creative solutions to unsolvable problems.”
Elliot blinked hard. Innya appeared to be in complete earnest. “You’re kidding, right?”
“You should know by now that I don’t do kidding.”
“You love movies but you don’t know where that
quote is from?”
Innya looked bored and shook her head. Then her
eyes shifted to take in something behind him and the
boredom was replaced by a smile. “Let’s go find a constructive source for that anger.”
Elliot turned and saw Mr. Magnificent exiting the
same bar that Craig had just left. Once again he was not
wearing his super clothes but Elliot and Innya both knew
in an instant who he was.
“Want to get in touch with your alleged ‘dark side’?”
she asked.
Elliot narrowed his eyes and flashed a wicked grin
that felt perfectly evil and right for the moment. He had
no idea what she was planning and didn’t care to ask.“I do.”
To their disappointment someone else beat them to
the punch. As they drew closer to the superhero another
group of Villains jumped out of the alley and accosted him.
One of them was Red in his monster form, all huge
and red and veiny. “He looks wrong, doesn’t he?” Innya
whispered and Elliot nodded. Red’s backup was Sonic
and Crusher. Elliot didn’t see Ventriloquist anywhere,
which seemed odd, but he wasn’t going to go crazy looking for extra trouble.
“What are they doing?”Elliot whispered.“I thought
you were the only one with the balls to wander through
town and taunt the superhero.”
“They’re stealing our fun,” Innya sneered. “That’s
just not fair.”
“What should we do?”
Ahead of them Red said something to Mr. Magnificent that made his lackeys crack up.
“Now we decide what kind of a night we’re going
to have. Are we going to join with our own kind and take
out the decidedly
un
-magnificent town hero? Or are we
going to play the good guys tonight and beat the shit of
three very deserving, Villainous asshats?”
Elliot thought for a moment and said, “Let’s kick
some evil ass. Tomorrow we can go back to being the bad
guys.”
“Or in your case pretending to be the bad guy.
Which means that tonight you’ll be a good guy pretending to be a bad guy pretending to be a good guy. Your life
is confusing, you know that?”
“You’re telling me.”
“Let’s just go down there and make nuisances of
ourselves and see what happens.”
Innya started toward the group and Elliot followed.
His hands were shaking so he stuffed them into his pockets. He tried to think of some witty repartee that he could
spout in the heat of battle and came up with nothing.
Hopefully no one would force him to talk. Or do anything else for that matter.
“What’s up, boys?” called Innya when they were
close enough to hear what was being said. Crusher had
been punching Mr. Magnificent in the arm and asking,
“Does it hurt? Does it hurt?” over and over again and
Red had been trying to muss the superhero’s hair. Mr.
Magnificent, meanwhile, was batting ineffectually at both
of their hands. It looked like a scene from a kindergarten classroom, if kindergarten had been populated with
monsters.
But all that stopped when they heard Innya’s voice.
Elliot took a deep breath. Here we go, he told himself.
Panic hovered on the horizon of his mind but he managed to keep it in check. Innya didn’t need him cracking
up now. And besides, he was looking for some payback.
“Zombie,” whispered Crusher with reverence.
“Zombie, huh? You’re new in town? Nice makeup.”
Mr. Magnificent joked and Elliot bristled.
“Do not mock me, poor-man’s superman,” snapped
Elliot, really getting into being the bad guy.
“Don’t you know you’re not supposed to be off campus, boys?” When Innya said boys she deliberately looked
at Crusher, whose man-hands fell from their barrage of
Mr. Magnificent’s arm at the same time that her jaw hit
the sidewalk.
Crusher took a step toward Innya but Red stopped
her with a finger against her chest. His voice was so deep
it made him sound a little like Cookie Monster. “Ignore
her. The little girl doesn’t matter.”
Crusher smiled and Elliot was so infuriated by that
smile that he blurted out, “Has anyone ever told you that
you sound like Cookie Monster on speed?” Elliot couldn’t
tell if the comment had made him angry because his face
was already twisted into something horrifically pissed off,
but he could guess.
“Forget what I said. Get them,” Red said.
“With glee,” said Crusher as she came towards
them, her giant hands clenched into fists and raised
for a fight. Sonic said nothing and didn’t move against
them. He just leaned against the brick wall of the bar and
watched the action.
“What are you doing?” Red asked.
“Not my battle. Don’t care,” said Sonic. Then he
blinked agonizingly slowly.
“You don’t need to come to my aid,” called out Mr.
Magnificent, “I was doing just fine.”
Crusher swung her fist and the world went sideways as Elliot twisted to avoid the contact and fell into
the street. The asphalt was unforgiving against his cheek.
Over his head he heard the sounds of battle and opened
his eyes to see Innya flipping this way and that, incredibly
light on her feet, and Crusher swinging again and again
but her giant hands were just too slow to land a punch or
grab her.
Elliot was impressed even though he had seen her
do it before. She was so graceful. It was like watching a
prima ballerina except that this ballerina broke someone
else’s toes and nose and arm. Which she did just then,
grasping Crusher’s giant target of a hand, twisting it
behind her back, and yanking hard. There was a pop as
Crusher’s shoulder separated and she went down on her
knees in the snow.
Crusher screamed a scream that reminded Elliot of
rabbits screaming, which made him remember why he
was terrified of rabbits.
“What are you looking at?” asked Red, who was
suddenly standing over Elliot. “You and me have some
unfinished business, dead boy.”
“It’s ‘you and I’,” said Elliot, and then the strangest
thing happened. Suddenly he wasn’t afraid anymore. The
adrenaline kicked in and this time, for the first time, his
reflexes chose ‘fight’. He grinned. “And I am looking at
the most annoying, ugliest, stupidest piece of red dog shit
that I have ever seen.”
“And now you die for real, Zombie.”
Red charged and Elliot braced for impact, and
suddenly Mr. Magnificent was at his side. “We can stop
him, kid,” Mr. Magnificent said in his very over-the-top
manner. Elliot would have smiled if the situation had not
been so very grave. “Just put your arms up like this,” Mr.
Magnificent put up his arms as if pressing against a wall,
“And when he hits us, push back.”
Time seemed to slow down as the very real possibility of certain death came within view. In the background
Elliot was vaguely aware of Crusher sobbing and stumbling away from the fight, cradling her one arm with her
other. Innya was watching her leave, a satisfied smirk on
her face. Mr. Magnificent smelled like expensive beer,
the micro-brewed kind that Elliot’s dad used to have in
the fridge. And then there was the monstrosity coming
toward him. Red looked pissed off, which was pretty normal but it was a lot more terrifying to be the object of
such swiftly approaching crimson wrath. And the only
things that would stop him, allegedly, were Elliot and Mr.
Magnificent’s extended arms.
He told himself that this was not going to work and
just as he had that thought, Mr. Magnificent screamed,
“Push!” and that one word snapped his mind back into
real time. Red was right on top of them. Elliot’s hands
made contact with Red’s veiny, bulgy chest. In the
moment before he pushed with all his might he marveled
that Red’s skin felt like sharkskin and wondered if somewhere along his genetic line someone had gotten frisky
with a great white. Or a hammerhead. Beside Elliot, Mr.
Magnificent grunted and pushed and amazingly Red
flew backwards into a nearby dumpster. The front of the
dumpster collapsed and Red fell in a heap. He didn’t
move and Elliot wasn’t about to approach him to see if he
was still breathing.
Elliot exhaled and swallowed his heart and asked,
“Whoa, how’d we do that?”
“
We
didn’t,” answered Mr. Magnificent, not even
out of breath, “I did. But I thought it might score you
some points with hot pants over there if she saw you
chipping in.”
Elliot smiled, embarrassed that he had even
thought that he had helped. The guy had super strength.
As a superhero he was a douche but as a wingman Mr.
Magnificent wasn’t too shabby.
“Thanks.”
“Thanks for thinking you needed to come to my
aid and actually doing it. Maybe you’re not so villainous,
after all.”
Innya said, “We just took stock of who we hated
more. You’re just lucky that it was Big Red over there who
was accosting you or we might have walked away.”
“And the bitch rears her ugly head,” muttered Mr.
Magnificent. “What are you guys all doing out here anyway? There are far too many students wandering the town
at night than there should be. Is there a new open door
policy that they forgot to tell me about?”
Elliot couldn’t believe that they were standing here,
supposed mortal enemies, having a polite conversation.
“There’s an opening in the fence,” he said, pleased that he
could contribute something. “I guess word gets around.”
Innya didn’t appreciate his contribution and she
punched him in the arm. “Moron!”
“What?”
“Thanks. Now, I think you need to be getting back
to campus. And to show my gratitude I won’t even chase
you there.”
Innya replied, “Where’s the fun in that? If you’re
not going to chase us what’s our incentive to go back?”
Mr. Magnificent smiled and lifted the side of his
trench coat so that they could clearly see the Taser, the
nunchucks and the tranquilizer gun all neatly tucked into
pockets on the inside of his coat.
“What are the nunchucks for?” Elliot asked, truly
curious. “Who even uses nunchucks anymore?”
“They’re for being awesome but that’s not the point.
I’d prefer not to have to use any of this because you helped
me out tonight but if you make me I will shoot you both
with tranquilizer darts and drop you off in front of the
police station. It’s your choice, really.”
“It’s official. I’m bored. Come on, Elliot. Let’s leave
the dirty old man to his dirty old man pastimes.”
Innya turned and started back toward the VA and
Elliot fell in beside her. He knew that she was just saving
face but he would take it even though this latest brush
with death and his mounting frustration with Craig had
him all worked up. Maybe she’ll be all worked up from
the fight and ready to finish what we started earlier, he
thought. Or maybe I won’t wait for her to make a move.
Maybe I’ll just take her in my arms and…
His train of thought derailed at the sight of Dean
Woon standing near the hole in the fence, waiting for
them.
“Great,” said Elliot, all his plans falling apart in an
instant.
Innya punched him in the arm again. “
Schifezza
,”
she said.
“I must thank you, Zombie. Only minutes ago I
received a personal call from Mr. Magnificent stating that
the students have been sneaking out through a hole in the
fence.I’ve monitored this hole but as we have never encountered any problems from students sneaking out I never
bothered to close it. It gave the students firsthand experience in the art of passing, which is an upper-division class.