Every Tongue Got to Confess (13 page)

“Sho, sho.”

“Why, no,” I says, “this train ain’t running fast.”

We jumped off the train and run to Mobile and ast the ticket agent wuz we ahead of time. He says, “Why, yes.”

We jumped up and run back and met the train half way and rode on back to Mobile.

—G
ENNIE
M
URRAY.

We seen the Alabama River running so fast till the fish had to back paddle with their fins to bite the people’s hooks in Magazine Point.

—A
RTHUR
H
OPKINS.

On a hobo trip out in Texas one rainy night we were going down de track thout orders and we had passed de station where we wuz stopped to get our orders. When we found we had passed de engine blowed for de orders at de next station. When we got to de next station it wuz too late for de engineerman to get them, so the conductor and de caboose got ’em, wondering how he wuz going to get ’em to the engineerman without stopping. So the brakeman told the conductor, “You got to go round dis bend.” The engineer met de caboose at de other end and got de orders.

—W
ILL
H
OUSE
.

I seen a railroad so crooked till de fireman be throwing coal in de headlight instead of de fire-box.

—A
RTHUR
H
OPKINS.

My father sent me and my brother tuh de grist mill. We gits tuh de mill, but so much corn ahead uh us till it overlaid us and caused us tuh be night gittin’ home.

On our way back home dat night, we passed a cane patch. I repeated tuh him, “Ooo brother, whut nice cane!” I said to ’im, “Say, looka here, we want some of dat cane.”

He said, “We must have some,” and we ’cided we’d go dere an’ we went in. We cuts us a great turn of dat cane apiece, an’ we started back into de car wid de cane. And between de cane patch and de highway, there wuz a mud-mash, and goin’ thew dis mash de man fired uh gun, and firin’ uh dis gun, we made
such uh dash forrunnin’ dat us bogged down an’ breaks our legs off even wid our knees. But we didn’t stop—we kept right on runnin’. We built a fire an’ we chewed thirty-five or forty stalks of cane apiece. After chewin’ it, we decided tuh lie down, rise soon in de mornin’ by de four o’clock whistle. Then finally we had missed our feets when we reached down tuh git our shoes—we had run so hard dat we had lost our feets in de mud-mash.

—R
OBERT
B
AILEY.

I wuz gwine long one day cross de wood. I seen two blocks of ice come running and they were gatherin’ li’dard knots to make up uh fire and warm. I had tuh go he’p ’em cause I wuz ’bout to freeze tuh death.

—J
OHN
B
IRD.

There was once a man had a plantation up de country and de houses wuz built on each side of de creek, and they had a burning there—houses on both sides caught fire—and de creek got so hot, after the burning you walk along and pick up done (cooked) trouts.

—J
OE
W
ILEY.

Went down to the river today, took one match, set the river on fire. Burned it half up, took the other half of the water and put the fire out.

—J
OE
W
ILEY.

One day I was going through a field and I saw a man tie a butt-head cow’s horns to a tree.

—C
HARLEY
B
RADLEY.

I went down tuh de river wid my suit-case an’ I couldn’t get cross, an’ I wuz in uh hurry, too. There wuzn’t no bridge or nothin’. So I pulled out my forty-four forty an’ fired it off an’ jumped on de bullet an’ went cross; but I had done lef’ my suit-case. So I come back cross on de echo an’ got it an’ went back cross on de smoke.

—E
UGENE
O
LIVER
.

Once I wuz out batching, so I come in one evening, wuz kinda tired and made my fire. I forgot just how to put in mah seasoning, so I put in two boxes baking powder, one box soda, sack of salt, and made ’em up and put ’em in de oven and put mah lid on top mah oven. I went out to pick up some more splinters to put on top, and when I come back they wuz rising out through de top of de chimbley. So I went and got me a ladder to go on top de house to hold ’em down, and they riz so high wid me, took me twelve months to come down off de top of ’em, eating my way down.

—L
ONNIE
B
ARNES.

I wuz lost in de woods, and I wuz lost teetotally. I heard uh racket over in de thicket. I looked behind a log. It wuz de moon changin’.

—R
AYMOND
M
C
G
ILL
.

The largest sawmill I ever saw was thirteen stories high at a place by the name of Diddie War Diddie
*
owned by Jack. It had one band saw that extended through the thirteen
stories. The fly was so large that every time it made a revolution it was pay-day, paying off by the month.

So being in this town I visited the plant. Jack weighed two thousand pounds and his wife nineteen hundred. While there, they had a son born to them weighing only four hundred pounds at birth. So Jack ordered him killed—said he didn’t want no runts in the family.

So I goes up in the mill to the twelfth story and his daughter was setting head blocks on the carriage.

So one of the workmen taken me in the mess hall, and there was a molasses river running through the kitchen and a carriage hauling flapjacks and turning them with a steam nigger.

So it was payday and Jack had forty train loads of money switched in to pay off. Just after paying off, they started to playing the game they call skin
*
. So on that night John D. Rockefeller and J.P. Morgan came in and stopped the cards and said: “Put up a box car of money, two and one.”

The boys that worked for Jack said, “You can go in the kitchen. The cook and chauffeur are back there spudding (playing for small change).”

—J
OE
W
ILEY.

One time my uncle he belongst to de church. He wuz an ole member of it. So dey thought dey’s put him to doing something, him belongst to it so long. So dey put him to overseeing de young folks. So one night he says, “Son, less me and you go to church.” So I tole him I didn’t keer if we would.

So we went out and got in de ole Ford and he tole me to jump out and twist de tail. So I jumped out and twisted it—we
drove on. So we got to church about ten o’clock, so wese comin’ on back, it wuz two boys stayed in de house mighty rowdy. So he drove on by and stopped and he says, “Son, spose we go in here and see whuta all dis noise in here.” I told him I didn’t keer if we did.

So he went in and opened de door. First thing I looked at wuz uh forty-five pointed directly. So I curved round and in de old Ford. When I looked in de back, mah uncle wuz in dere, too. Course we didn’t makin’ but forty-five. I told my uncle I think we kin beat dis heah. So we runned de Ford outside and jumped out. Course we didn’t run none but we passed some people whut wuz running. And so a Chrysler got in de way and hit stayed in de way ’bout fifteen minutes. So we got home and went on and went to bed. So I woke up ’bout four hours and fifteen minutes after I got dere and I saw something dartin’ by de window. So I hunched my uncle. I tole him to wake up. He says, “Whut’s de matter?”

I says, “Look to me lak we havin’ trouble here.”

He says, “Whut?”

I says, “Don’t you see dem people dartin’ by de window out dere?”

He said to me, “Git up and see whut ’tis.” I looked at him and he looked at me. I tole him to make de thing more better less both of us git up and go see. So he looked up over de door and got his Winchester, cause he hadn’t had it but ’bout seventy years, and I grabbed de do’ and opened it wide and he thowed de Winchester right in de middle uh de do’. So we looked out and it wuz jes’ our shadders four hours and fifteen minutes late getting home.

—W
ILL
T
HOMAS.

Man went tuh huntin’ wid one uh dese muzzle-loaders. He didn’t have but one load uh ammunition an’ he saw two wild turkeys settin’ up in uh tree, an’ right over in uh pond
he saw some wild ducks, an’ over by de pond he saw uh deer an’ he heard some noise back of him an’ he looked round an’ seen some partiges (quail). He wanted all of ’em an’ he didn’t know whut tuh do. So he stood an’ thought an’ thought. He took aim, but he didn’t shoot at de turkeys, he shot at de limb they wuz settin’ on an’ de ball split dat limb an’ let dem turkeys’ feet drop right down thew de crack an’ de limb shet up on ’em an’ helt ’em right dere. De ball went on over an’ fell intuh de pond an’ kilt all dem ducks; de gun bust an’ de barrel flew over an’ kilt dat deer an’ de stock kicked de man so hard till he fell backwards an’ smothered all dem partiges.

He seen he couldn’t tote all dat game home so he went home tuh git his team. He tole his wife tuh put on de pot cause plenty rations wuz comin’. He loaded up de wagon, but he didn’t git in, cause he figgered de mule had enough tuh pull thout him. Jus’ as he got his game loaded it commenced tuh rain, but he walked on side uh de mule tellin’ ’im tuh come up till dey got home—about three miles.

When he got dere his wife ast ’im where wuz de game he wuz talkin’ ’bout an’ he looked back an’ seen his wagon hadn’t moved from where he loaded de game. De rain had done made dem traces stretch. So he jus’ took de mule out an’ wroped dem traces round de gate post an’ put de mule up an’ went on in de house. De nex’ day it was dry an’ de sun wuz hot an’ it shrunk up dem traces an’ about twelve o’clock they brought dat wagon home “cluck-cluck, cluck-cluck” right on up tuh de gate.

—L
ARKINS
W
HITE
.

My father wuz out huntin’ an’ he seen uh hongry bear makin’ dead at ’im. He ups wid his gun an’ fired, but he missed ’im an’ de bear kept right on comin’ so fast he didn’t
have no time tuh load uhgin. When de bear made tuh grab ’im, he run his hand down de bear’s throat and clear on thew de bear and out de other end, an’ caught hold uh de bear’s tail an’ give sich uh jerk till he turnt dat bear wrong side out, an’ he wuz runnin’ de other way (the bear was headed the other way.).

—J
AMES
P
RESLEY.

Uh man went huntin’ one day. He had one load, an’ all de shot he had wuz one bullet in de gun.

He saw fifteen wild turkeys on one limb. He wuz afraid he would miss ’em, so he went on.

He saw a bear, and wuz afraid de bullet wouldn’t kill de bear—an’ he went on.

He saw a cuvey of quails, and he wouldn’t shoot at dem—and he went on.

He saw a deer, and wouldn’t shoot at him.

He ’cided he’d go back and try de turkeys. So he did.

He took a good aim and split de limb, and caught all de turkeys by de feet. De ball went on and struck de bear, and in his scuffle he killed all de quails. De ball went on and killed de deer. De deer fell in de pond and knocked out fifty bushels of fish. De ball went down de river swamp and cut down uh honey tree. De tree fell cross de river and de honey sweetened de river ten miles up and ten miles down.

—J
OE
W
ILEY.

My father wuz a hunter, and whenever he seen a deer he would run along side of him tuh feel him to see if he wuz fat uh-nuff ’fore he’d kill ’im.

Whenever he’d shoot in target practice, he’d shoot and den go put up a target fur de bullet tuh hit after he shot. He uster git round pretty fast.

—F
LOYD
T
HOMAS.

I seed de coach whip behind de race runner one day and dey was running so fast de race runner set de broom sage uh fire, and de coach whip wuz sweatin’, and de coach whip put it out wid his sweat; and de race runner hopped in de river, and de coach whip hopped in behind him and they had to sprinkle de river, and outen de dust so he could swim. By that time de dust choked me so I had tuh leave.

—J
OHN
B
IRD.

My pa had a gun dat shoot so far he had to put salt down de barrel before he shoot it, so de game he kilt wid it would keep till he got dere.

—E. E
DWARDS.

A man went hunting and saw three thousand ducks in a pond. Just as he levelled his gun to fire, the weather turned cool and the water in the lake froze solid, and them ducks flew off wid de lake froze to their feet.

—P
ETER
N
OBLE
.

Two mens went out rabbit huntin’ an’ after they went a lil way, one said tuh de other one: “We needs yo’ dawg tuh jump dese rabbits fuh us. We ain’t got no gun.”

De other one says, “Thass all right. Ah got uh dawg in mah pocket dat’ll jump all de rabbits we needs.”

“Uh dawg in yo’ pocket! Man, you cain’t keer no dawg in yo’ pocket dat kin ketch no rabbits.”

“Thass all right, you jus’ wait till we needs uh dawg an’ you’ll see.”

After while dey seed uh rabbit an’ de man retched in his pocket an’ hauled out de dawg an’ set ’im down on de ground.
He wuzn’t no biggern yuh fist, but, man, he could cold
*
stroll behind uh cotton-tail. He got behind uh rabbit an’ he wuz runnin’ him so fast he run intuh uh tree an’ split hisself wide open. De other man said, “Now, whut we goin’ do?”

His friend said, “Thass all right, he kin be fixed.”

He took an’ picked dat dawg up an’ stuck dem two sides uh dat dawg tuhgether; but he done it so quick dat he stuck one side upside-down, so dat he had two foots up an’ two foots down, an’ one-half uh his tail wuz stuck tuh one side uh his head—an’ no matter which uh-way de rabbit run he didn’t have tuh turn round a-tall—he wuz headed right data way.

—L
ARKINS
W
HITE
.