Every Tongue Got to Confess (17 page)

—N. A. J
AMES.

—N
ORA
L
EE
W
HITE
.

Uh man tole uh tale on de boll weevil agin. Uh man wuz up on de hill an’ he heered uh turrible racket down de hill, an’ he went an’ run down de hill tuh see whut it wuz—an’ whut you reckon he found? Mister bool weevil wuz whuppin’ lil boll weevil cause he couldn’t keer two rows at a time.

—L
ARKINS
W
HITE
.

White man wuz drivin’ past uh cotton patch an’ uh boll weevil flew onto his steerin’ wheel an’ said: “Lemme drive yo’ car.”

White man said, “Why, you can’t drive it.”

“Don’t tell me Ah can’t drive it! I drove in uh thousand last year an’Ah’m goin’ tuh drive in two thousan’ dis year.”

—L
ARKINS
W
HITE
.

De Jordan car is de only car not named after uh man. Know how come it tuh be lak dat? You know when dey make a car dey take it out on de road and try it out tuh see whut it will do. So de man got his car all made, and he had a nigger workin’ for ’im. So he took ’im along tuh watch de speedometer.

He floored de accelerator an’ she shot un tuh seventy. De nigger’s eyes begin tuh pop out. De man ast him, “How am I doing, John?”

“You doing seventy, boss.”

He floored de gas again and she shot up tuh eighty. By dat time John wuz shaking lak he had uh chill. He seen death comin’ straight at him. So he hollered, “Git back, Jordan! Git away, death!” So de man named de car “Jordan”.

—W
ILLIE
R
OBERTS.

Once there was an old man, woman and boy. They were eating, and the old man got through first and he got his pipe and went on the porch and sit on the bannister. He fell off and broke his neck. The boy was de next one got through eating and he went on the porch. He saw his grandfather had fell and broke his neck, so he went and told his grandmother about it and she said: “Wait till I git through eating and I will bellow for him.”

—H
ENRY
E
DWARDS.

One ole couple wuz livin in uh house wid de kitchen built uh little off from de house, an’ dey had dey lil granson livin’ wid ’em.

De ole woman, she lakked her pipe. One night she wuz settin’ dere smokin’ when uh big blow uh wind come up, so she layed way her pipe an’ went on intuh de house an’ went tuh bed.

Pretty soon uh turrible wind come long an’ blowed de kitchen down, an’ kilt de ole man; but de lil boy got out an’ run intuh de house an’ tole his grandmaw: “Grandmaw! Grandmaw! De kitchen done blowed down an’ kilt grandpaw!”

De ole lady says, “Umph, umph! An’ Ah bet it broke mah pipe, too!!”

—H
ANDY
P
ITTS.

“Say, boy, when you die, what you be thinking about?”

“Oh, man, I want to be buried in the center of the white folks’ graveyard.”

“Yes, what’s that good for?”

“That’s the last place the devil goes to look for a nigger.”

“Yes, but when I die I want to be buried in a rubber coffin.”

“What’s that good for?”

“So I can go bouncing through hell.”

—J
ERRY
B
ENNETT.

There was a man that always went fishing on Sunday. The people told him not to go, but he went anyhow.

He baited his line and threw it overboard and tied the lines to his arm. The fish was so long in biting that he fell to sleep.

A catfish bit the line and he was so big till he jerked the man overboard and he was hollering. So the people came. He went down and came up. The last time he hollered, “Tell my wife—tell my wife to fear catfish and God.”

—G
EORGE
H
ARRIS.

“Tomorrow is Sunday morning, if we should all live to see it. Tell Aunt Jane to tell Uncle Tom to tell de cow to tell de sweet milk, to tell de clabber to tell de buttermilk, to tell de butter to meet de biscuits in de morning on de breakfast table. Tell Aunt Jane to see to it.”

—E
UGENE
O
LIVER
.

Once upon a time there was a poor ole lady and she didn’t have no husband, but she had five children. One day she said: “Well, Lord, I ain’t got no bread for my children to eat.”

So she went out to find some bread for her children to eat. So de children were saying: “My belly ake, my belly shake, I wish I had some cornbread cake.”

—L
OUVENIA
E
NGLISH
.

There was a man didn’t know what corn was. So one day he was out walking and one of his friends asted him to dinner. He went in and sat to the table. He had corn for dinner. The man ate all of the corn off the cob and said: “Lady put some more beans on my stick.”

—J
OE
W
ILEY.

Me and pa went to church. We started to church one Sunday and pa was late for church and he had a Ford car. He was driving pretty fast at the rate of eight miles a week. So pa went in church and went to sleep. A fat lady got to shouting and jumped in pa’s lap and pa grabbed her around the waist and hollered, “Son, step on the zillerater (accelerator)! I got the steering wheel.”

—A
RTHUR
H
OPKINS.

Do you know how come the Amercans are not in war?

No.

Because my father was a farmer. He raised most everything, but only one thing Uncle Sam could use. It was only sweet potatoes sent to France by the train load. But he raised one so big they couldn’t get it in a box car. Had to load it on the flat.

So they sent it on to France and the Kiza (Kaiser) saw it, and he got hongry right then and ast for a piece; and the lutant (lieutenant) heard him and run and told his soldiers: “Hang up the sword and hang up the flag, for the Kiza done ask for peace.”

—W
ILL
H
OWARD.

Once there were two men. One was larger than the other. They were traveling one day and they came to a pond of water which was too deep for the small man to cross. So the big man said, “Get on my back an’ I will take you across.”

So the little man did so. While they were in the middle of the stream the little man says, “Gee, yo’ breath stinks like karn (carrion).”

The big man ast him, “Whut you say up dere?”

The little man says, “I says yo’ breath smells like violets.”

As soon as they got across, the little man jumped down and said: “Yo’ breath stinks like a dead horse and I speck yo’ body smells worse.”

—F. B
RADLEY.

One time uh man wuz drunk an’ he had uh five gallon demijohn full uh whiskey totin’ it home, an’ he had tuh cross uh fence. De moon wuz shinin’ bright an’ he could see de fence, but he wuz too drunk tuh utilize hisself. When he got on top de fence he fell an’ dropped his jug; but he fell on one side an’ de jug on de other side. He wuz too fur under de weather tuh git up, an’ heard de likker runnin’ out de jug sayin’, “goody, goody, goody.”

He said, “I know yuh good, but I jus’ can’t git tuh you.”

—C
LIFFERT
U
LMER
.

Five men want six orders. One order pig ears, one pig foot, one pig tail, one chittlings, two hawg snouts. Tell dat to de cook. Hey cook, git your grease hot, fixing to throw one at you, one walking, one flooping, one switching, snatch one from the rear, two rooting and let her roll.

I want a chocolate cake with icing and jelly roll smeared over the top. Tell dat to the cook. Say, cook, send me a brown-skin
lady wid a thin dress on, doing the shinny-she-wobble serving sweet jelly roll.
*

—A
RTHUR
H
OPKINS.

Once there were two men that would steal. They were rogues. They had done stole everything they could think of. So one day they went to a church. One of the men went up to the pulpit. All he could find was a Bible and the leaves turned and the reading said: “Thou shalt not steal.”

The man called his buddy and said, “Read this.”

So he read it and said, “Oh hell, I’ll steal Thou.”

—C
HARLIE
B
RADLEY.

Once there was a man stole some sheep and they put him in jail. His lawyer told him he could clear him for fifty dollars. Say everything the judge ask him to say “ba-a.”

And the judge asked him was he guilty of stealing sheep and he said, “Baa-aa.”

So the judge said, “He is crazy; take him out of here.”

As he was going out the lawyer asked him for his fifty dollars, and he told him “baa” and went on down the street saying, “Baa, baa.”

—A
RTHUR
H
OPKINS.

De police thinks so much of buzzards in Charleston dat one took uh ham sandwich outa my hand, and de police hit me up wid uh blackjack cause I looked lak I didn’t lak it. De street cars turned wrong-side outers to keep from running over one.

—T
ARRYSON
P
ARLOR
.

Once they tried a colored man in Mobile for stealing a hog. So he was very poorly dressed and somewhat dirty. So the judge told him, “Six months on the county road, you stink so bad.”

A white man was standing there and he said, “Judge, he don’t stink. I’ve got a nigger who smells worse than a billy goat.” The judge told the man to bring the nigger over so he could smell him.

The next day the man took the billy goat and the nigger to the court house and sent the judge word that he had the nigger and the goat out there and which one did he want first. The judge told him to bring the goat. When he carried the goat in, the goat smelled so bad that the judge fainted. They got ice water and bathed the judge’s face until he revived. Then he told them to bring in the nigger. So when they brought in the nigger, the goat fainted.

—J
OE
W
ILEY.

My father had a red silk shirt. He washed it and hung it out to dry so he could have it tuh wear tuh Sunday-school. De billy goat et up de shirt. My daddy got mad and tied de goat on de railroad track so de train could kill him. When he seen dat locomotive bearin’ down on him, de goat coughed up de shirt and waved de train down.

—F
LOYD
T
HOMAS.

In de old days when folks was seeking religion they went to a mourning-ground. There was a big ole nigger name Ike used to lead all de mourners to de praying ground.

One right pretty gal wid big legs, she fell under conviction. So Ike didn’t lead her, he thowed her crost his shoulder and
toted her on down thew de swamp to ground. It was getting on towards night and he wagged on thew de woods singing:

He laid her down when he got there and got down on his knees. He was looking from side to side as hard as he could to see who saw ’im whilst he was easing up her dress.

Another man was out there seeking and he spied old Ike. He hollered at ’im, say: “Whut’re you doin there, Ike?”

Ike says: “I ain’t doin a damn thing, but you fixin to go off and tell a damn lie.”

—M
ACK
C. F
ORD.

A nigger name Sam useter work for a white man dat had a she mule. So he useter clam up on de edge of de crib and go wid de mule. He kept it up, every day, every day.

So one day another man dat could throw his voice caught him at it and he throwed his voice and made out like de mule said “Sam, git down off me and leave me alone, o’ I’m gointer tell de boss on you.”

Sam jumped down off de mule and fastened up his britches and went on up to de house. De white man was sittin on his porch smokin a seegar.

“Now, whut do you want, Sam?”

“Boss, I done heered ’em say dat mule uh yourn kin talk. If she come up here tellin her lies on me, dontcher b’lieve her.”

A man said, “Hey, Sam, did you go tuh de campmeetin’ like you said?”

“Yeah, man, I went.”

“Did you see a pretty girl over dere wid a big pink hat on?”

“Yeah, I seen her.”

“Well, I give her dat hat. Did you see dat swell dress she had on?”

“Yeah, I seen it. Sho was pretty.”

“I give dat tuh her. Did you notice them swell slippers she had on her feet?”

“Yeah, I seen them, too.”

“Well, I give ’em to her. And look, Sam did she have a fine fat baby in her arms?”

“Sho did.”

“Well, I give dat tuh her, too.”

—D
AD
B
OYKIN.

One time after Jack Johnson and Jeffries fought, my pa said to me: “You hitch my mule to the buggy. I am going down and fight Jack Johnson.”

I said, “Pa, don’t do that. That’s the champion of the world.”

“You hitch my mule to the buggy.”

So down the road we went and we met Jack Johnson. I said: “There he goes now.”

Pa said, “I want to see you, Jack.” So Jack got out of his car and pa got out of his buggy, and there was a fourteen feet wire fence on each side of the road. So pa said, “Jack, I’m going to whip you this morning.” And he begin to motion at Jack Johnson. Jack hit pa a uppercut and knocked him over the fourteen feet fence. So pa got up and come to the fence and said, “Mr. Johnson?”

Jack said, “What is it?”

“Knock my mule and buggy and boy over the fence, please.”

—J
OE
W
ILEY.

White Man: Hello, nigger, have you ever called a train?

Nigger: Yep, Cap, dass all I ever done. I mean nuthin but call trains.